Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

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Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby Blueknight » 21 February 2018, 19:12

Hi yall

I don't really post much online but I kind of feel like I need to vent and some advice.

So I recently started a new job. It has nothing to do with what I studied for but I thought it was a very good position to work in for a year or two to save up some money while I live at home with my parents. Before I move away to some other place, possibly a bigger city.

Everything about this job is great, the pay, the distance to commute and other work conditions like holidays, breaks, health and safety and so on...

The only problem that has been started to cause me anxiety (which I never had like this before) is the fact that I don't quite feel like I fit in with the people I'm working with.

I'm used to being friends with nerd and geek guys plus groups of girls. But pretty much all the people I am working with are a lot of straight guys and ain't nothing nerdy or geeky about them.

They have asked me if I have a girlfriend I said 'no' and feel quite uncomfortable coming out to them as I don't think that would make things any easier. They've also asked if I like football or go clubbing which honestly I don't know anything about football and I rarely go clubbing so it feels like there's no common ground and they seem to have no interest in talking to me. This wouldn't be that much of a problem if we were actually working all the time but the fact is that sometimes there are long periods of time when we just have to wait around for something to be sorted so people just do nothing but walk around and talk (or pretend to be working) which is when I honestly feel like an outcast. Not to mention that even when we work people like to talk and I really get the impression that they don't wanna talk to me.

And it's not like I haven't tried approaching people but I feel kinda helpless if when I try to talk to someone, they give short answers and then flee.

I don't know maybe some of this is just due to the fact that I can be shy in bigger groups especially when I don't know the people well or that sometimes I just don't know what to say, although I can be chatty.

If it wasn't for the pay I think I would have quit already I'm not sure what to do. Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? Any advice?
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby PopTart » 22 February 2018, 11:19

You sometimes find that some places can be abit cliqué with new starters. Might take some times and effort to get people to give you the time of day! Do you feel they would be offish with you if they found out your gay?
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby Sparecloud » 22 February 2018, 12:30

Don't worry. I think there's a solution!

When your chatting to a colleague and you get anxious about them knowing your sexual orientation, bring it up without making it about sex.

Example : when they ask if you have a gf, answer calmly ".. No, I'm single atm." if they ask you about your preference, remember there's no shame and say in a blasé way "I'm gay" and leave it there. Let them continue the conversation. In my experience it's if you say something like "I like penis" or "I bat for the other team" you might make them anxious. As long as your cool and calm they will be too. People's emotions bounce off one another.

As for the interests. Try not to dismiss the conversation if you think you have nothing in common. Keep it going by saying things like "no, I'm not into football, but I find xxxxxxxx(insert personal hobby) xxxxxxxxxx really interesting, what do you think about xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx?" by keeping it going and asking them a question about something you like, youre showing the other person that your friendly and interested and someone they can talk to. It might seem scary at first but in my experience, very few people are negative (especially in the workplace) if you show that you're keen to get along.
Good luck with the job tho!
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby Blueknight » 22 February 2018, 17:20

PopTart wrote:Do you feel they would be offish with you if they found out your gay?

I think some of them would be though I don't think they would say anything directly to my face.
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby Blueknight » 22 February 2018, 17:23

Sparecloud wrote:Don't worry. I think there's a solution!

When your chatting to a colleague and you get anxious about them knowing your sexual orientation, bring it up without making it about sex.

Example : when they ask if you have a gf, answer calmly ".. No, I'm single atm." if they ask you about your preference, remember there's no shame and say in a blasé way "I'm gay" and leave it there. Let them continue the conversation. In my experience it's if you say something like "I like penis" or "I bat for the other team" you might make them anxious. As long as your cool and calm they will be too. People's emotions bounce off one another.

As for the interests. Try not to dismiss the conversation if you think you have nothing in common. Keep it going by saying things like "no, I'm not into football, but I find xxxxxxxx(insert personal hobby) xxxxxxxxxx really interesting, what do you think about xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx?" by keeping it going and asking them a question about something you like, youre showing the other person that your friendly and interested and someone they can talk to. It might seem scary at first but in my experience, very few people are negative (especially in the workplace) if you show that you're keen to get along.
Good luck with the job tho!


Thanks, man, great advise.
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby Blueknight » 22 February 2018, 17:56

Update

So I think things have gone much better today. Still not perfect but a good day overall. There are a few guys that are quite a standoffish one I'm not sure but I think he might be intimidated by me or something and the other one idk just very cold, I don't think he likes me.
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 22 February 2018, 19:52

Many straight men, particularly over the age of 35, tend to bond by talking about sports. It’s quite unfortunate and it honestly makes me think less of them. I can see why that would cause anxiety. I don’t really know what or can do in that situation apart from taking interest in what they’re interested in (which I personally would not do). Have you tried sucking their dicks and seeing what happens?
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby Gandalf » 26 August 2020, 13:33

At my advanced state of biodegredation, recon I've larnnt a thing or three.... The ONLY person you need to keep happy is you!
To hell with the rest, what they say, what they gossip, what you think they think.... So long as you are happy.
Cheers mate
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby Jryski » 27 August 2020, 17:56

If guys ask me if I have a girlfriend, I’d be like, “Me? I’m ugly and broke. Why would someone be interested in me?” It’s a great way of getting compliments from straight guys. xD
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby Gandalf » 28 August 2020, 04:05

Straights never learn..............never "mix-it" with a bitchy-bar-queen....

So this dude (about 1/3 my age, and very much Junior to me ) comes over to me on the factory floor and <loudly> starts telling me all about how delicously nice and exciting it is to have hetro-sex.... :argh:

Obviously doing 2 things... Publically taking the piss out of me cause I'm same-sex and attracting attention to the fact, to "gain support"

Now I never engage in these discussions without a third even a forth person present, so there can never be any backlash, so I call 2 setters who where undercover-smiling over and say: -

Frikki's just told me allllll about pussy, and how nice it is.... <Turning to Frikkie> Frikkie, ever had sex with a man?

NO! NEVER! NOOIT! <Africkaans expression> exploded he.... <mental note to myself..... Hook line & sinker love, your ass is mine> :devil:

Says I to him.............. And here you are trying to teach me all about sex? :D

Left it up to the other two, to laugh & take the piss out of Frikkie..... Taking the piss out of frikkie? Went on all day.... :devil:

Frikkie? learnt his lesson....

Just saying... Man up, don't get hooked into the discrimination / scorn / derision / and all that stuff.... It exists between every different group you can imagine... <In South Africa> black on white / Blacks on Coloureds, coloured on whites / tall on short / fat on slender <and the outher way round> old on young / young on old........... LET IT GO..... It ain't worth the time you spend worrying about it....

Go to a seedy gay bar, learn how to bitch-back and live free.....

Just sayin...

RGDS
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby edj » 22 October 2020, 09:43

I had the advantage of working in quite a gay positive city: San Francisco. :P And I was working in a relatively nerdy environment: motion graphics. So I'm prolly not the best person to advise you. I was the only gay man in the company, as far as I knew. One of the directors is lesbian, but we pee-ons had very little interaction with her. I'm sure that if there was any hint of homophobic harassment, hell fire would rain down. Even so, I was shocked and a bit intimidated when it became evident to me that none of the men in my department had any filters whatsoever. One of them would make the most offensive (and inaccurate) imitations of an "Asian accent", even though I'm Chinese, and our then producer is Japanese. But we weren't offended because he would laugh just as hard when someone else made fun of him by imitating the Swedish Chef from the muppets (he's Danish). It soon occurred to me that there was a tacit understanding that no one in that department took the racist or sexist tropes seriously and just dropped them for shock value.

Something else he said when he once got frustrated with his work: "Oh, eat a bag of dicks." It wasn't directed at me, but without missing a beat, I said, "Mmmmm, just the one?" Nobody expected that, so it brought down the house.

He was also the in-house photographer. One of the interns was quite a delectable bear. Though he was straight, and a bit young for me, I let it slip once (beyond his earshot, of course) that I found him hot. I think this went around the company and probably found its way to his ears anyway. For one company marketing photoshoot, the Dane and he came up with the idea of shooting him in the nude with nothing but a teddy bear to hide his junk (It's a pretty progressive motion graphics company, what can I say?). I really think they did it to torment me. The Dane told me about it, and I swear he was leering because I think he was hoping I would ask to be on set for the shoot. And later, after the shoot, he offered to show it to me, and I declined because, goddammit, I had to work with the guy. So what does he do? He calls me over some weeks later, on the pretext of showing me some work thing, and then just flips this photo on full screen while I'm staring at his monitor ... and I'm like, "FUUUUCK!"

Another guy came from a relatively small town in a neighboring county, and hadn't had much contact with gay people. Once, out of the blue, he showed me a photo of a woman, posing provocatively, in nothing but 4 inch heals. He asked, "So, this does nothing for you?" And I said, "Nice shoes," which made him laugh and reply, "Interesting." Later I showed him a photo of Jack Radcliffe, (cropped to be SFW) and asked, "So, this does nothing for you?" He just looked at me and grinned. He got it.

But when anyone ever spoke seriously about his girlfriend or wife, and I had had a similar experience, but with my husband, I'd say so. And I think that just drove home to them that a gay relationship is no different from a straight one (with the exception of the matching set of organs). I think being willing to be open and joke about my own sexuality and shrug it off as something as ordinary as theirs broke a lot of ice.

I have to say I had a completely platonic great time with these guys, in and out of the workplace.
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby Jryski » 22 October 2020, 12:37

edj wrote:I had the advantage of working in quite a gay positive city: San Francisco. :P And I was working in a relatively nerdy environment: motion graphics. So I'm prolly not the best person to advise you. I was the only gay man in the company, as far as I knew. One of the directors is lesbian, but we pee-ons had very little interaction with her. I'm sure that if there was any hint of homophobic harassment, hell fire would rain down. Even so, I was shocked and a bit intimidated when it became evident to me that none of the men in my department had any filters whatsoever. One of them would make the most offensive (and inaccurate) imitations of an "Asian accent", even though I'm Chinese, and our then producer is Japanese. But we weren't offended because he would laugh just as hard when someone else made fun of him by imitating the Swedish Chef from the muppets (he's Danish). It soon occurred to me that there was a tacit understanding that no one in that department took the racist or sexist tropes seriously and just dropped them for shock value.

Something else he said when he once got frustrated with his work: "Oh, eat a bag of dicks." It wasn't directed at me, but without missing a beat, I said, "Mmmmm, just the one?" Nobody expected that, so it brought down the house.

He was also the in-house photographer. One of the interns was quite a delectable bear. Though he was straight, and a bit young for me, I let it slip once (beyond his earshot, of course) that I found him hot. I think this went around the company and probably found its way to his ears anyway. For one company marketing photoshoot, the Dane and he came up with the idea of shooting him in the nude with nothing but a teddy bear to hide his junk (It's a pretty progressive motion graphics company, what can I say?). I really think they did it to torment me. The Dane told me about it, and I swear he was leering because I think he was hoping I would ask to be on set for the shoot. And later, after the shoot, he offered to show it to me, and I declined because, goddammit, I had to work with the guy. So what does he do? He calls me over some weeks later, on the pretext of showing me some work thing, and then just flips this photo on full screen while I'm staring at his monitor ... and I'm like, "FUUUUCK!"

Another guy came from a relatively small town in a neighboring county, and hadn't had much contact with gay people. Once, out of the blue, he showed me a photo of a woman, posing provocatively, in nothing but 4 inch heals. He asked, "So, this does nothing for you?" And I said, "Nice shoes," which made him laugh and reply, "Interesting." Later I showed him a photo of Jack Radcliffe, (cropped to be SFW) and asked, "So, this does nothing for you?" He just looked at me and grinned. He got it.

But when anyone ever spoke seriously about his girlfriend or wife, and I had had a similar experience, but with my husband, I'd say so. And I think that just drove home to them that a gay relationship is no different from a straight one (with the exception of the matching set of organs). I think being willing to be open and joke about my own sexuality and shrug it off as something as ordinary as theirs broke a lot of ice.

I have to say I had a completely platonic great time with these guys, in and out of the workplace.

San Francisco is gay friendly for sure, but damn! Your work place sounds so fun! I think the Bay Area overall is a very gay friendly place. I worked in San Mateo and I had a coworker try to tease me. He was kinda cute but I tried not to think about it. Gotta keep it professional xD
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Re: Anxiety at a new job - working with a bunch of straight guys

Unread postby Gandalf » 22 October 2020, 13:01

Nothing professional at 60+................ Just "need to make hay" while the bugger still rises"!

Ther are 2 sides to where I'm at........ Sexual persuasion / orentation is SPECIFICALLY protected in our constitution. The other side is when does joking around become sexual harrasment? Me I make sure that when someone tries to take the mickey out of me, I call a few witnesses round.... Then it can't be harrassment.. Especially since there be a bunch.
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