As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife crisis

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As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife crisis

Unread postby Crisis_Jay » 2 December 2018, 07:11

I just stumbled upon this place while hoping to get some input from other people who've maybe been in my shoes. Or at least can give some advice.

I'm 44 years old and single, living in rural America. It's pretty much a death sentence as far as finding a relationship, or any other gay people to hang out with, period. Most people assume I'm straight in my early 30s and I don't even tell many my real age because of the odd looks I get when I do, and I'm not the most mature person in the world on top of it.

But anyway, I know how the gay community can be as far as age goes. I've been browsing online singles sites just to see if anyone is out there in my area (no one seems to be), and the profiles I check are mostly looking to meet younger people. Even older people are putting down they want to meet others younger than themselves. Many of the profiles seem fake anyway so I really don't want to go that route, but I find that sort of thing discouraging since like everyone else I won't be getting any younger so that makes it seem much more hopeless as far as meeting someone.

I work a lot of hours; don't get much time to go out and mingle. I've never been into the club scene, but the nearest one that caters to people like me is over an hour away. I really don't see the whole thing going well if I decided to go, but what else can I do besides being single forever?

It's taking a toll on me psychologically. I've only been with 1 guy my entire life who I met at a former job over 20 years ago. We were off and on for quite a few years, still keep in touch, but he's simply not the one for many reasons. The physical relationship was more one of convenience due to the area in which we live being seemingly devoid of anything for gay people. Homophobia is also still rampant here and I have no doubt there are tons of closeted people, so how do you tell who's up for being asked out?

Sorry for the long post (I could really go on forever), but to sum it up, how do I find someone considering my situation? I really don't want to wake up one day a senior citizen, alone with no amazing experiences to reflect on. If I stay on my current path that's exactly what's going to happen. I've never had that moment of, "Wow, I think I could stay with this person forever" unless it was some seemingly straight dude I had a crush on, which is absolute hell.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby erti » 2 December 2018, 07:36

have you thought about moving where there are more men out there like yourself?
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby Crisis_Jay » 2 December 2018, 08:26

erti wrote:have you thought about moving where there are more men out there like yourself?

Having a mortgage and most of my family here makes it hard to get up and go, but I've thought about it. If I stay here anything short of wearing a t-shirt saying "I'm gay ask me out" is hopeless.

Right now it's even harder as far as the psychological aspect since someone at work with a fiance and kids (who's probably playing around?) keeps making sexual comments that I may be taking the wrong way, and it's driving me insane. I mean comments that straight guys wouldn't normally make, like telling me I should hook up with someone from work and he wants to have a work affair (there are virtually no woman there, absolutely none I'd consider remotely attractive), sticking things in his behind, telling me to put Brokeback Mountain on youtube, and a lot of other really dirty things I'm not sure if I could mention here. Not sure if he can tell I'm gay and is messing with me or if he's wanting to actually do something, but I wouldn't feel right considering he's not single.

But yeah, that's the type of thing I get mostly. Not quite to that extent, but I've had married men say some really questionable things over the years. And when it happens I go into a state of depression and really hate being alone. Anyone I think could be interested in me and vice versa is unattainable.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby erti » 2 December 2018, 08:34

maybe finding someone from another area who is willing to move is your best bet?

i wonder why seemingly straight men would make advances towards you? are they unhappy with their relationships or something?
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby Crisis_Jay » 2 December 2018, 08:44

erti wrote:maybe finding someone from another area who is willing to move is your best bet?

i wonder why seemingly straight men would make advances towards you? are they unhappy with their relationships or something?

I must give off a "gay vibe" without realizing it so maybe it's curiosity on their part. I can only assume there are more bisexual people out there than we realize, and many choose to have a cookie-cutter heterosexual relationship than hook up with someone of the same sex permanently. That's what's expected of us.

I really can't blame them. It's much easier to appear straight than gay in our society. When I was looking through the singles profiles a lot of the guys had kids or were divorced, I'm sure everyone has heard those stories, so who knows how to tell what a person really wants.

The whole meeting a potential partner online no matter where they're from seems like such a crap shoot.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby erti » 2 December 2018, 09:02

i find myself in more heterosexual relationships than i do with homosexual. mainly because there are more heterosexual and bisexual men out there than there are homosexual and bisexual women out there... at least those who are willing to date me. so what you said makes sense.

i wouldn't shoot down internet relationships too quickly. just got to watch out for the regular catfish.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby Crisis_Jay » 2 December 2018, 11:17

erti wrote:i find myself in more heterosexual relationships than i do with homosexual. mainly because there are more heterosexual and bisexual men out there than there are homosexual and bisexual women out there... at least those who are willing to date me. so what you said makes sense.

i wouldn't shoot down internet relationships too quickly. just got to watch out for the regular catfish.

Yeah with heterosexual relationships it's not that hard to find someone to at least ask out of you wanted to without as much risk. I've gone out with women but to me it was more of a "hanging out" thing, like people I knew through work who wanted to do something or friends of friends I've hung out with, and some ended up wanting more so I wish I was bisexual. I came out to a couple and they seemed cool with it, but we eventually drifted apart.

I'm not completely shooting down finding someone through the internet. It's just the location thing that may be a problem. I'd hate to drive 2 hours to meet someone only to be catfished as you mentioned. I guess it'll just take some work and research. And learn to take more risks maybe.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby xrayspex78 » 2 December 2018, 13:27

Howdy Jay!! I can fully relate to your situation! First time ever on this forum :lol:

Same thing, mortgage, crazy work hours, and a rural area. Not much time to get out either. Clubs scene doesn’t do it for me either. Seems hopeless right?

Don’t get discouraged friend. This is a very wonderful place here. Please stick around and make friends. Ill be your first friend! Hang in there we’ll help you through it.

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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby PopTart » 2 December 2018, 13:41

Welcome Crisis_jay

I understand how hard it must be for you, work and the rural setting, it can make meeting people challenging.

But I echo what Erti said, don't be discouraged at the prospect of meeting someone online, it can happen. I'm not a fan of Apps myself, they don't tend to be ideal for meeting someone in a more positive context.

But I for one have met one or two special people through this very forum :thumbsup:

So it's not impossible.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby Satsuma » 2 December 2018, 13:53

Hi Jay,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I know it's not easy but from the way you write and your description of yourself you seem like quite a catch, honestly. It can be so hard to meet people these days away from the internet, so sorry to sound condescending which I probably do but it's nothing on you :hug:

Being here is a good step, talking to other people about it and getting other points of view. I know it may not seem like it but you will find someone, I know it.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby Eryx » 2 December 2018, 14:33

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's crazy how a location can make life be so different. I've always lived in big cities or progressive countrysides, so I was never really in your position.

But since you're in a crisis, it seems like you've reached a point where you're questioning the priority of things. You have a mortgage, family. How about selling the house? Visiting them once in a while? Do you have to care for elderly relatives or are you using those as anchor excuses?

Do you need to change your reality and finally live a real relationship? Is that something you prioritize and will regret that you didn't pursue it when you're older? Can you take advantage of the fact that you're a 30-something-looking guy in his forties? My ex-boyfriend sure did, and I'm really happy for him that he chose to live his life to the fullest.

Dude, just decide. Sometimes a crisis is exactly what we need to shake things up. Fear of change is natural and universal, but it's also quite easy to overcome once you step out of your city limits. It feels wonderful, actually.

Welcome to the forums! Rural America can be a little homophobic and lonesome, but it sure is pleasant. As long as you're there, take the time to smell the aroma in the air and look at the fields.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby Crisis_Jay » 2 December 2018, 14:59

Eryx wrote:I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's crazy how a location can make life be so different. I've always lived in big cities or progressive countrysides, so I was never really in your position.

But since you're in a crisis, it seems like you've reached a point where you're questioning the priority of things. You have a mortgage, family. How about selling the house? Visiting them once in a while? Do you have to care for elderly relatives or are you using those as anchor excuses?

Do you need to change your reality and finally live a real relationship? Is that something you prioritize and will regret that you didn't pursue it when you're older? Can you take advantage of the fact that you're a 30-something-looking guy in his forties? My ex-boyfriend sure did, and I'm really happy for him that he chose to live his life to the fullest.

Dude, just decide. Sometimes a crisis is exactly what we need to shake things up. Fear of change is natural and universal, but it's also quite easy to overcome once you step out of your city limits. It feels wonderful, actually.

Welcome to the forums! Rural America can be a little homophobic and lonesome, but it sure is pleasant. As long as you're there, take the time to smell the aroma in the air and look at the fields.

My parents are in their early 60s and probably have another 20-30 years left before they'll need care, but I would feel kind of guilty just leaving. I've thrown the idea around in my head for years and realize I have to live for myself, not to satisfy the needs or wants of others, but that nagging guilt is still there. Maybe it is just an excuse. I have a good idea of where I'd go with a support group of 2nd cousins who live in a more urban area close to a major city. It's over 2000 miles away, so maybe I need to force myself to step outside the comfort zone and just do it. Being someone who's mostly spontaneous, it would be one of those things I get up and decide to do one day then worry about selling the house later. I do like my current job, but the hours are making it hard to do anything to rectify the situation I feel I'm in. I'd have no problem leaving that place and starting over.

As far as age goes, I wouldn't lie to anyone about it. If I don't feel like disclosing it when asked I simply say something like "old enough" and leave it at that. Under a normal setting in the actual world it really wouldn't be an issue at all and shouldn't be. I just don't want to be judged by anyone because they have it set in their mind that over 35 or 40 is over the hill, even if they're over that age themselves. I guess I really shouldn't base this on what I've seen on dating sites, but that's how it feels right now.

And yes, I definitely feel if I don't try to find someone soon I'll regret it later on. I regret the years I've spent being single already.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby Eryx » 2 December 2018, 15:13

My parents are both engineers, and my dad pursued his career, so that made us move a lot. Before I was 10 I had already lived in three different cities, thousands of miles apart. When I was a teenager my parents sent me to the US for an exchange, after I came back I went to Rio to live on my own with an ex-boyfriend, my parents moved to the Northeast of the country (really fucking far) and I went on to live in different cities until I ended up in my birthplace.

I said all that to make it clear to you that my understanding of belonging, moving and feeling close are completely different from yours. I have no issue with moving or being far from my family, as long as we keep seeing each other. I noticed over the years that some people have a really hard time with that, I've met friends my age telling me they gave up on living in another country like I did just because of their parents. Crazy! notion to me.

So there's no problem with you feeling that way. I kind of get it. But you can overcome that if you feel like it's the time to do it. Selling a house is a big step and a final decision, so I understand that it's a really hard thing to do. But if you plan things ahead, it will definitely make more sense in your head. Instead of acting on impulse, make a plan and stick to it.

I'm not suggesting you should just do what I tell you to, but I really think that, with the problem you've presented us, you should do something. And moving might be the best option. Maybe you'll just get out of your crisis and settle with what you've got, but I think you could do more with your future than that. Personal opinion.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby Crisis_Jay » 2 December 2018, 15:40

Eryx wrote:My parents are both engineers, and my dad pursued his career, so that made us move a lot. Before I was 10 I had already lived in three different cities, thousands of miles apart. When I was a teenager my parents sent me to the US for an exchange, after I came back I went to Rio to live on my own with an ex-boyfriend, my parents moved to the Northeast of the country (really fucking far) and I went on to live in different cities until I ended up in my birthplace.

I said all that to make it clear to you that my understanding of belonging, moving and feeling close are completely different from yours. I have no issue with moving or being far from my family, as long as we keep seeing each other. I noticed over the years that some people have a really hard time with that, I've met friends my age telling me they gave up on living in another country like I did just because of their parents. Crazy! notion to me.

So there's no problem with you feeling that way. I kind of get it. But you can overcome that if you feel like it's the time to do it. Selling a house is a big step and a final decision, so I understand that it's a really hard thing to do. But if you plan things ahead, it will definitely make more sense in your head. Instead of acting on impulse, make a plan and stick to it.

I'm not suggesting you should just do what I tell you to, but I really think that, with the problem you've presented us, you should do something. And moving might be the best option. Maybe you'll just get out of your crisis and settle with what you've got, but I think you could do more with your future than that. Personal opinion.

I totally get where you're coming from as far as moving. It's good you had opportunities early in life to prepare you to take more plunges than you may have otherwise. Although I've traveled across the country a few times, the idea of moving that far away seems alien, but something I've been wanting to do for a while. It's just a matter of making a plan and sticking with it as you say if I don't simply snap one day and pack my things and go. That idea has been crossing my mind. I'm currently in a great place financially to take a break from working and see what's out there.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby Eryx » 2 December 2018, 16:41

Well, if you need anything, we're here for you! Keep us updated.
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Re: As the username suggests, I think I'm going through a midlife cris

Unread postby mxguy01 » 2 December 2018, 17:22

Crisis_Jay wrote:
Eryx wrote:I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's crazy how a location can make life be so different. I've always lived in big cities or progressive countrysides, so I was never really in your position.

But since you're in a crisis, it seems like you've reached a point where you're questioning the priority of things. You have a mortgage, family. How about selling the house? Visiting them once in a while? Do you have to care for elderly relatives or are you using those as anchor excuses?

Do you need to change your reality and finally live a real relationship? Is that something you prioritize and will regret that you didn't pursue it when you're older? Can you take advantage of the fact that you're a 30-something-looking guy in his forties? My ex-boyfriend sure did, and I'm really happy for him that he chose to live his life to the fullest.

Dude, just decide. Sometimes a crisis is exactly what we need to shake things up. Fear of change is natural and universal, but it's also quite easy to overcome once you step out of your city limits. It feels wonderful, actually.

Welcome to the forums! Rural America can be a little homophobic and lonesome, but it sure is pleasant. As long as you're there, take the time to smell the aroma in the air and look at the fields.

My parents are in their early 60s and probably have another 20-30 years left before they'll need care, but I would feel kind of guilty just leaving. I've thrown the idea around in my head for years and realize I have to live for myself, not to satisfy the needs or wants of others, but that nagging guilt is still there. Maybe it is just an excuse. I have a good idea of where I'd go with a support group of 2nd cousins who live in a more urban area close to a major city. It's over 2000 miles away, so maybe I need to force myself to step outside the comfort zone and just do it. Being someone who's mostly spontaneous, it would be one of those things I get up and decide to do one day then worry about selling the house later. I do like my current job, but the hours are making it hard to do anything to rectify the situation I feel I'm in. I'd have no problem leaving that place and starting over.

As far as age goes, I wouldn't lie to anyone about it. If I don't feel like disclosing it when asked I simply say something like "old enough" and leave it at that. Under a normal setting in the actual world it really wouldn't be an issue at all and shouldn't be. I just don't want to be judged by anyone because they have it set in their mind that over 35 or 40 is over the hill, even if they're over that age themselves. I guess I really shouldn't base this on what I've seen on dating sites, but that's how it feels right now.

And yes, I definitely feel if I don't try to find someone soon I'll regret it later on. I regret the years I've spent being single already.


First, try not living life with regrets. I can clearly say regrets fix nothing. It is good to recognized something is not what you want as a first step. Second step is figuring out what you want to try to fix it. Third is having the courage to try. At some point you realize this is a rinse-n-repeat until the day you die or just give up.

Second, in a time period of less than a year, I found a couple decent relationships online. Funny one is what I would say is my first true crush because well he still owns my heart. I would say the apps are sooooooo much effort weeding out the garbage that it makes everyone normal question if it is worth the effort. My approach going forward is meetup groups but I live in a different area than you.

The area of significant gay life here is that Castro in San Francisco. Takes me about an hour or more if I take light rail (Bart).

Although not anything like your situation, I too think about moving just so that I can be in a more comfortable environment wrt being gay. But then I realize there are other things in life important that I would be giving up that are equally important to "being who I am". You can only try to figure out what's best for you and try to give it a go to see if it really is.

Another point, no parent should expect their children to take care of them in their old age IMO. I do see so many parents that expect their kids to take care of them, even well before they really need it. There is zero reason they can not continue enjoying their lives into their old age but doing things like keeping the house when they can no longer maintain it themselves is stupid. There comes a time to give up the home and move into an nice little easily maintained apartment. With the right situation you would be surprised how self sufficient they can be for as long as they can be <- and this is healthy, mentally and physically for them. My mother did just fine all by herself until the final year or so. My mother was a very independent person. She was going to have her own place even if that was in an assisted living facility. I can't imagine thinking of having my kids hold back on anything in life because of me. I want them to chase life for everything it has to offer them, everything they want to go after.

So to go back to where I started. No regrets. Regrets will mentally take you down which is not what you are looking to achieve.
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