Coming Out - Old (late 30's) and Fat as a Gay Man?

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Coming Out - Old (late 30's) and Fat as a Gay Man?

Unread postby OdinsHat » 17 November 2021, 15:31

I'm in my late 30's and for most of my life since I finished uni' I've remained tightly re-closeted after experiencing some terrifying homophobia from my first boss. It made living my life as a gay man quite difficult.

In my 20's I was a classic Twink with a good body. But I didn't really take advantage of my looks because I was living having to keep my sex life secret from my work life.

Because of these difficulties hiding my sexuality (I once had a straight boss join Grindr to see if he could find my profile cos he was convinced I was gay - it made life difficult). So I couldn't even join Grindr in my prime twink years and take advantage of my - erm - body's...'appeal'. Sorry I don't mean to sound arrogant!!! I was just a fitness nut who exercised every single day, so obviously my body was "healthy" looking - stating plain fact. I did have a sex life in uni but that was almost 20 years ago.

Then my 30's happened and I started to put on weight and lose my twinkness.

To put it bluntly these difficulties have stopped me from having ANY sexual activity for the past 15 YEARS!

Then Covid happened and I went from being a lithe 10.5-11st twink into a MASSIVE 18.5st tank in the space of a year.

Now I'm fat, in my late 30's and finally finding the confidence to come out - I think - but at the same time: Who the hell wants to have sex with a 38yr old fat puff like me? Who in the LGBT community - would even want to befriend me? We all know gay men tend to be fanatical about keeping fit and being disgusted by fat people - you see it in Grindr ads all the time. I think Attitude ran a study that showed 74% of gay men feel compelled to work out intensely to keep a certain level of attractiveness.

Not only am I finding it hard to lose this weight. I'm struggling to put myself out there for even basic friendship at this weight but at the same time I want to come out, be out and be accepted at this weight and as I lose the weight.

It's not even just about sex. I have literally ZERO (0) friends right now since I moved to Manchester. A new city I know no one in. I've thoguht about going to the variety of the local LGBT meetup events but I always think - "I'm a fat gay bastard - no one will want to know me".

Jesus - I sound so pathetic. Blame the 15 year dry spell if you wish.

Apologies if this is TMI. But can someone offer some kind words, some comfort, anything?


Also if anyone knows a good forum to get advice and help regarding this I'd appreciate it.
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Re: Coming Out - Old (late 30's) and Fat as a Gay Man?

Unread postby pozzie » 18 November 2021, 00:48

First off, welcome to this forum! I hope you can find some support and maybe make a new friend as well. While I can't say how many members are from Manchester, we are spread around the globe, but there's nothing wrong with making some online friends. I personally don't care what you look like: I care how you think and what you say on the forum. I'd perfectly happy to get to know you as you are today.

However, you shouldn't stop there. We all need friends in real life and moving to a new city means we need to make new friends.

Next, please stop shaming yourself. Shaming isn't motivation. It's basically self-humiliation. From what you've shared, it sounds like you're dealing with a bit of trauma. Have you considered working with a counselor or therapist or something? They would be best at helping you grow past your evil boss, work on ways to boost your confidence, and maybe even have good ways to help you make getting into better shape a success. (BTW, a couple decades ago I was at 245lbs/111kgs and in a wheelchair - today it's 170lbs/77kgs - so I know it IS possible.)

I found a couple threads that talk about weight and weight loss though honestly, I'm a bit tired and haven't read through them but you might check them out:

post118044/?hilit=weight%20wieght#p118044

post220161/?hilit=weight%20wieght#p220161

That second was started by a user who's still active and I believe he recently reported about his own success. So check it out and post your thoughts, okay?

Think positive. I know you can do it. You just have to really want to make the changes to get to a life you want to live. Don't lose hope: it is possible.
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Re: Coming Out - Old (late 30's) and Fat as a Gay Man?

Unread postby OdinsHat » 18 November 2021, 14:57

I just called my GP about a psychiatrist referral due to long term mental health issues. I was told I got rejected opn Sept 8th. Never thought to tell me.

I told the woman down the phone: "Do you realise the layers upon layers of fucking scars I have on my body from the years of cutting? Their isn't a single area of my body that isn't fucking scarred. I've lost count of the number of times I've tried to kill myself. I guess I won't get help from you unless I fucking kill myself will I?"

I hung up while she was saying: "It's not the end, we can...."

Fuck it.
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Re: Coming Out - Old (late 30's) and Fat as a Gay Man?

Unread postby pozzie » 18 November 2021, 15:46

Hopefully someone else in the UK can chime in with hints/helps on accessing mental health services.

I too had a miserable experience when I was dealing with the mental impacts of prescription opiates (taken as prescribed). Got a referral, long wait, annoyingly invasive intake, finally assigned a provider - oh, by the way, travel was like 75 minutes each way with long waits (NO beverages allowed!!!). We met three or four times and things were looking good. Got a phone call - appointment cancelled, no explanation. Some more weeks go by and I get another call. I have to start the process over, the provider is no longer with the agency. By start over, I asked what that meant - from initial intake. Insane. My response was exactly the same as yours.

Not sure how long it took, but my medical provider started to get concerned and he was able to get some near term, limited help. From there someone got me connected to someone who got me connected ... It was a pain, but basically I had to go to a couple "special" provider type agencies before I got someone I worked with for a couple years before he took another job outside of counseling. But that made all the difference. I was able to get things squared away in my own head enough that I could keep things from going under. Years later I decided to abandon the opiates (took two years to complete the process) and that was a decade ago.

That's how I was able to make it happen. It wasn't easy but what was easy was feeling like the world was stacked against me. It's a hard one to beat when you feel snowed under and unable to cope. I get that.

Do you have anything like a primary care provider (PCP) - that's what we call them over here? They are usually assigned as our single point of contact with the healthcare system. That was, and continues, to be my key to unlocking the keep.
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Re: Coming Out - Old (late 30's) and Fat as a Gay Man?

Unread postby OdinsHat » 19 November 2021, 18:27

I've got the referral. It's depressing you're the only person who's responded to my thread though.

I guess the histrionics put people off getting to know me as it always does.

So not only do I have to keep my feelings to myself I need to keep my sexuality to myself. Venturing outside of the flat gets tiring. Making the commute to the office for work is extremely exhausting.

It's like trying to keep a tornado in a bottle.

I'm rambling shit.
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Re: Coming Out - Old (late 30's) and Fat as a Gay Man?

Unread postby pozzie » 19 November 2021, 21:00

Surely I don't have to repeat any maxims about flies, honey, and vinegar, right? But I wouldn't rush to judgement about putting everyone (but me) off - I'd say it's been fairly quiet in the past week or so, even compared with not being what I'd call a super active forum. Lots of usual posters (for better or worse) haven't been showing up in the threads I'm reading. I've wondered if people are ill, away, just have nothing to say, etc. I've even wondered if my being (usually) the first to respond to so many threads has had an effect - up until this month though others were either liking or offering differing viewpoints without being argumentative, which I think is fantastic!

So, for a bit, step back from your personal negativity and look at some of the other possibilities I've mentioned. Also, I kindly suggest trying to frame questions a bit more positively. So, for an example, one could ask questions like: Is a guy's weight important to you when deciding to date/or/have sex/or/get married? How much weight do you consider too much weight? How many guys aren't into skinny twinks? (I'm guessing the answer is a few, but not that many. ;) ) On another front, you might ask if anyone else has had to deal with a homophobic boss or workplace and what did they do? Stuff like that.

So it's less about keeping your feelings to yourself and more about finding a way to engage others in the discussion that is, let's say, more inviting. There might have been guys who would have shared something but after a long day in the salt mines, they just decided to pass for the time being. Maybe they were just passing by to check in with their mates or maybe they were looking for something to lift their spirits. So it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to communicate with you personally - it's about them and their needs - and frankly, my experience on forums is a lot of what people do and say is about their needs. People come to forums to take - way more of them than those that come to give. Call it Pozzie's Rule F1. ;) And even when they come to post about why the feel this way about a social issue or support that candidate for office, it's still really about their own needs on many levels.

I'm glad you've got a referral! One step in the right direction and I'll keep my fingers crossed that it goes well. I'm going to offer some unsolicited advice though: please try to be more positive in your outlook and approach. It's perfectly okay to say you've been having a hard time - maybe you feel like the world hates you - but say you want to do, feel, be better. "I'm just having trouble making that happen." See where I'm going? Hey, and feel like you can practice here if you want, okay?
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Re: Coming Out - Old (late 30's) and Fat as a Gay Man?

Unread postby stevie1400 » 24 November 2021, 20:21

pozzie wrote:Do you have anything like a primary care provider (PCP) - that's what we call them over here? They are usually assigned as our single point of contact with the healthcare system. That was, and continues, to be my key to unlocking the keep.


That job would usually be undertaken by a General Practitioner aka family doctor here in England. Unfortunately it is quite difficult to actually see a doctor in the first place, and if you do, there isn't much therapy they can refer you for. Psychiatric services are severely lacking in this country.

Private self-employed therapists are a good bet, but many have been shut over the last 18 months.

OdinsHat wrote:It's not even just about sex. I have literally ZERO (0) friends right now since I moved to Manchester. A new city I know no one in. I've thoguht about going to the variety of the local LGBT meetup events but I always think - "I'm a fat gay bastard - no one will want to know me".


I wouldn't be too concerned about LGBT community groups. They tend to attract all sorts; when I went to one there was no shortage of older and fatter types. Back then I was in my early 20s and I was one of the youngest there, and I was also one of the thinnest.

I have put weight on over the last couple of years. I doubt I am an unhealthy weight, but I'm what I'd call "gay fat". But obesity is so normalised in this country that I am practically anorexic by many people's standards.

I've been to Manchester a few times this year (having never been before), and it seems like quite a nice place. Certainly a lot bigger than my nearest city (Sheffield) so I wouldn't be surprised if there are any community groups you could join, especially given the city's prominent gay village.

Whilst I admit I have a "liking" for hot twinks, in reality, most people are not like that. My limited experience of dating and hookup sites suggests that most people are what you would call 'average'. At the end of the day I'd much rather be with someone whom I get on well with, rather than someone who comes across as 'hot'.

On the subject of sex, there were a couple of people at my local LGBT community group who used to frequent the local gay sauna. One was quite elderly (>70, possibly >80), and another was age 40-50 and quite fat and unattractive. Both of them seemed to get plenty of sex at the gay sauna despite the ages/appearances.
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Re: Coming Out - Old (late 30's) and Fat as a Gay Man?

Unread postby PopTart » 24 November 2021, 20:43

GP's are out for the count sadly, I doubt they will ever be the diagnositicians they used to be. Many don't want a return to face to face practice. Go figure.

Mental health services in the UK are also woefully underfunded. This is a more long running issue that is both related to lack of adequate funding for some time and the sudden, very, very large increase in demand.

All I can say to the you Odinshat, is to not place as much emphasis on your appearance. It can be hard for those of us who have always been blessed with slim figures to imagine how anyone would be attracted to a, less optimal, physique. We've had the luxury of not having to think about it. Whereas those not so fortunate, have had to grapple with self esteem issues in a more visceral sense. It's easy to have confidence in yourself, when everything is bunched, tight and popping in all the right places. It's not hard to really believe that someone will find something to please the eye. Chances are, you liked what you saw when you were looking at yourself then too. Now you aren't seeing the same thing (probably all the things you see are the missing things you once liked seeing and what has taken their place and so you assume that's all anyone else will be seeing too!)

More often than not, it only really matters in those circumstances where the only things a potential somebody is evaluating, is the superficial, so sure, when your at a bar and someone looking for a down and dirty one night hook up, is going to put alot of emphasis on appearance, because what they are looking for, is superficial fun. This can often lead us to think, gay men are vacuous, superficial, appearance queens. Not so. Well, not always anywho.

But it has been my experience, that more intimate or meaningful connections with people develop regardless of one's appearance. There have been plenty of people who have not been my preferred "type" who I might otherwise not find attractive, that have hit my radar, because I have got to know them and as Pozzie said, who they are is sexy and that makes how they look, sexy too even if it's not my idea of the "ideal"

An example would be hairy guys. I'm not into hairy guys, but if I get to know a guy and I really like who he is, his being hairy can become sexy, where before it wouldn't have been.

Try going out and meeting people. Forget the apps. Look for your local gay bar and strike up conversations, be yourself and don't go out with the intention of hooking up or finding someone. Go out and socialise and build connections. Along the way, something will click with someone and it will happen on it's own.
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Re: Coming Out - Old (late 30's) and Fat as a Gay Man?

Unread postby Brenden » 26 November 2021, 12:19

OdinsHat wrote:Not only am I finding it hard to lose this weight.

Look into getting the book The Obesity Code by Dr. Jason Fung. His work is extremely well-researched, with hundreds of citations in the back of the book, and displays the best mechanistic understanding of the subject I've encountered, looking deep into how the body and its metabolic systems work.
Disclaimer: All views expressed in my posts are my own and do not reflect the views of this forum except when otherwise stated or this signature is not present.

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