Gay and Aging

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Gay and Aging

Unread postby pozzie » 12 June 2021, 20:32

Since I'm new here, please forgive me if my search failed to turn up a relevant topic (and mods, feel free to move if there is a better place for this).

Are there m/any users on the board over 50? Maybe I should say over 60, since that's more how I feel day-to-day. (I've been HIV+ for over 25 years and it's taken a toll.) While I'm not certain what I'm looking for in this thread, I guess I would like to chat about being older, a "confirmed bachelor" (was in a relationship in the 80s-90s but nothing long-term since), and gay though I don't socialize much (even before Covid).

Of course younger guys are welcome to join in - I know one of the scariest things when I was 20 was thinking about being the age I am now. Even knew guys who swore they wouldn't get to my age: some were right, wonder what happened to the rest. For the most part, aging hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought and no birthday has been as bad as when I turned 30 (and realized that my life wasn't shaping up the way I'd planned).

Maybe I'll come up with some questions after a few folks say hi.

In the meantime, how does aging differ for people who identify as LBTQIA etc?
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby René » 13 June 2021, 01:35

I can think of two prominent members in their 40s and 50s, but most are younger (mainly ones who grew up around home computers, I suppose).

The prospect of aging does seem to be a source of anxiety for many gay guys especially, which is pretty sad.
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby pozzie » 13 June 2021, 02:10

Well, maybe some will want to 'talk' about it. :)
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby OutsideIn » 13 June 2021, 06:08

I don't know what there is to talk about. Aging is a fact of life. Maybe in the segments of the gay community where physical appearance is a high priority, growing older might be a dreaded occurrence. But I don't think you can characterize all gay people that way. I am always puzzled why the gay community itself wants to box us all into these stereotypes. Hasn't that been done enough to us already?
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby Cali Ed » 13 June 2021, 09:17

"Confirmed bachelor" is an odd way of saying "free from the shackles of a repressive, heteronormative society." Never feel regret or failure for not living up to the mediocre standards of a greeting card world. Enjoy the small things in life — whether it's a furtive blowjob in a park toilet or just a particularly erotic Only Fans page — without setting yourself up for pass/fail based on the ideals of a bad Hollywood rom-com. I rejected the concept of monogamy as a gay teen who had only the glint of a life of debauchery in his eye and haven't regretted that decision a day in my life.

Sure, now that I'm turning 45 at the end of the year, I might look back wistfully on decades of "straight" guys not seduced, bubble butts never penetrated and the bathhouse basements untested. I could have been sluttier, I tell myself, a tear in my eye and a rivulet of pre-cum on my dick. (If only we had Truvada for PrEp back then! And sorry it came too late for you.) But I also have had some amazing times, and though they may come less frequently, I always cum when they come. A connection for an hour or a day can be as fulfilling as a lifetime together (especially if he is filling you with over 8 inches, but I digress) — even better as most people tend to get more annoying the more time you spend with them. For those who believe in soul mates, more power to you, but it doesn't diminish experience for those of us who prefer hole mates.

Some people might joke that 45 is middle age for straights, but old age for gays. I mean my liver certainly feels twice as old. But then I stay young at heart by having guys half my age pump their cum down my throat and up my ass. Fight aging with semen vampirism!
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby Brenden » 13 June 2021, 13:30

pozboro wrote:In the meantime, how does aging differ for people who identify as LBTQIA etc?

Aging itself doesn't differ, but the perception of aging differs due to how vain, nymphomaniacal, and superficial many gay people tend to be in their interpersonal relationships.
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby pozzie » 13 June 2021, 14:30

Cali Ed wrote:"Confirmed bachelor" is an odd way of saying "free from the shackles of a repressive, heteronormative society."


LOL. I decided to use that phrase mostly because it seems so old fashioned though I don't think the connotation is quite the same for me as you describe. I'm more of the mindset "better no relationship than a bad relationship." It took some time for me to get comfortable being on my own even though I've been pretty independent most of my life.

My sexual life pre-dates HIV, but only by a couple of years and you bring up an interesting point that doesn't get discussed much - and alas, I'll probably end up hijacking my own thread - but it sure seems that a lot of gay men in the 70s were all about leaving the straight world behind in as many ways as possible and that included the picket fence and 2.5 kids though I think a lot still wanted someone "special." So yeah, it's felt pretty strange to see so many wanting to "marry" and buy a house and, well, be just like straight folks.

It's interesting the responses my question has generated. One of the things I'd like to hear about is how aging affects Trans people and I'm not really talking about six-pack abs and all that comes with the ideal 20-something life. So, from my own experience, there is some evidence that PWAs age more rapidly than our negative counterparts though I think this is something of bleeding edge science. Do Trans people age more rapidly than the cisgender people around them?

Other thoughts/questions have to do with what we thought our lives would be like 20-30 years ago and how it's actually turned out - is it what you expected? Or put another way, would you do it all over again, mistakes and all? I know that's a popular statement (just like "there's somebody out there for everybody"), but do people really believe that in their hearts?

IDK, is being 55 and LGBTQ somehow different than what you see in the heteronormative world surrounding you?

Maybe that will move to conversation away from the "no one wants me any more because I'm old and not 20-beautiful anymore." That's not really what I was going after.
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby Jzone » 13 June 2021, 15:43

Welcome to the forum, poz! Always nice to see someone else twice the age of the average forum member here. Being over 50 does give one a different perspective on life, the universe, and everything.

I can't give you much insight on your main question on being gay and aging. I am bi, and have known that for 40 years. If not for the AIDS scare in the 1980's my sexual life might have taken a very different turn. The fear of AIDS and the homophobia of the time were enough for me to repress my attractions to men and only pursue women, romantically and sexually. I married a woman, bought a house, had two kids, etc.

The perspective of age served me well after my divorce at 45. I was comfortable with who I was and my place in my community at that point — comfortable enough to openly explore a romantic relationship with a man. We were both in our mid-40's. He has been openly gay his entire life, and is very active in the LGBTQ community. Our intimate relationship lasted 6 months, and we remain close friends. Now I am in a relationship with another woman.

There are many gay stereotypes which do not age well, but no reason for gay individuals to do the same. I know aging gay couples who are entering the later part of life as gracefully as any hetero couple. It is great to be living in a time when the idea that "love is love" is more widespread and accepted than it was when you and I were 20 years old.

[Edit] I just saw my profile pic and realized it is a statement on your thread topic. It's not what my body looks like, or what I aspire to, although I like to stay fit. I took it from an ad for some miracle diet that showed different "ideal" bodies for different ages. It made me laugh.
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby reddawn » 13 June 2021, 16:31

I'm 37 myself and that feels really old in the gay community at times.

Luckily i date older men so that doesnt bother me
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 25 June 2021, 21:19

Aging isn't fun, but it sure beats the alternative: I have no desire to be 6 feet under any sooner than necessary.

At 61, I don't like the fact that I have health problems that I didn't used to have. My partner has his own health problems. He is exactly 5 months older than me, and is less than two weeks away from his 62nd. I just hope we have many more good years together and at our farm. I do realize that for both of us having animals to take care of is becoming more and more of a chore. The thought of having to give up my farm animals makes me sad, but it may be necessary sometime in the future. Not just from harder to take care of them, but also the expenses.

Money is another thing to think about. I've been unemployed for sometime now and living off my savings as I'm not old enough for Social Security (old age money from the American government based on how much you earned over your life time for those who are not familiar with the American system). When I heard my partner tell his parents someday he will retire, I got rather concerned as he hasn't saved like I have all my life. Again, I should try to find something, but I was spoiled because I used to make decent money, yet work remotely.

I think another concern is should one of us or both need to go to a nursing home some day. How would a nursing home treat a gay couple? While we are not 100% out, I would hate to think that I we would have to start treating each other as "just" friends just to avoid offending someone or get kicked out of the facility.
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby pozzie » 25 June 2021, 23:42

I wish you good luck with the animals and farm. I'm involved in another forum dealing with animal companions and this theme also extends to pets. There people are concerned about a beloved pet dying and then being alone. These aren't inconsequential problems, especially if one's alone after losing a pet. But it sounds like you need a bit of help (or will) to keep the animals happy and healthy.

I know there are various organizations working on the nursing home/assisted living/etc issue for the LGBT+ community though I've mostly heard of options in metro areas - not necessarily just in the city, but also in the 'burbs. So you're not alone in this concern and can't say that a lot of senior focused places have quite caught up with the move towards acceptance of sexual minorities and their relationships. However, depending how long you're able to successfully keep up with the farm, maybe such facilities will also grow more comfortable with non-heteronormative couples. ;) At least we can hope. I'm glad you have each other!
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby pppppp42 » 27 June 2021, 21:45

40 now and already totally feel the pressure. What I am realizing is, as was somewhat mentioned, the online active culture and the most high visibility people tend to be younger and it can give you the feeling that you missed the bus somehow and the fun gay life is for the teens and twenty somethings.
The hookup culture can be pretty toxic for a lot of peoples view of things too.

I’m feeling like I’m on the exact same path and schedule as Jzone was actually.
I have no idea whether my future is with a man or woman but I like both so I’ll just let my feelings decide.
I do know that I intend to surround myself with really decent close gay friends either way.

As far as the worries about acceptance in a nursing home, more bigots are dying and being replaced with open minded youth every day. I expect the situation to be notably even better in twenty years than it is now for acceptance.
That said get yourself near a more progressive city. It sucks here in conservative hick land, and not in a fun way.
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby stevie1400 » 29 September 2021, 12:53

From a biological point of view, gay men will age the same way as straight men. From a social point of view, there will be some differences; for instance, gay couples can't have children, so we won't end up with children and grandchildren to watch growing up. I have also heard of issues with care homes, in fact, I was reading a booklet about it from Age UK (an elderly people's charity) recently.

I'm 30 so I don't know what its like to get 'old' yet. Intriguingly, I do get quite a lot of interest from the over-50s on dating/hookup sites. The most recent one who I met on a fetish site was married (to a women), with children, for many years, before finally accepting he was gay. The previous one had always acknowledged his gayness but had never really had a long term relationship.

I used to go to an LGBT community group when I was in my early 20s, and I think, for the several years that I went, I was the youngest there. It was mostly people who were over 40.

I've no idea what things will be like for me later on in life. When I was a teenager I didn't anticipate making it past 21, and yet, here I am at 30. I'm just taking life as is comes.
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby Eryx » 29 September 2021, 17:20

stevie1400 wrote:gay couples can't have children
At least in the West this is totally a personal choice at this point. Even if you don't have the means and money for surrogacy or shared parenthood or even biological kids (in vitro sister + partner), you can always adopt. Not ever having kids isn't a definitive fate for gays at this point.
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby ethanroy011 » 30 September 2021, 05:03

Well, I dont think so if you will take care of yourself.
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby Jzone » 30 September 2021, 05:56

Now in my mid-50's, I have lived through the loss of both parents. Most of my friends have either lost theirs or are living through their parents' final years. What strikes me (sadly) is how few people are prepared for their own aging and end. Other than taxes, these are all we can rely on with certainty.

I don't have the strength, stamina, and physical flexibility that I used to. I do have more knowledge, experience and perspective than ever before. These are hard won, and I value them. As a bisexual, my gay friends and exes have only added to my experience, and I am grateful for that.

Stress is one of the greatest factors in aging. If someone experiences more stress because of their sexuality then that will have an effect on their long-term health. People who live in supportive families and communities will generally be more healthy.

Accept yourself, seek love and support, live long and prosper.
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby PopTart » 1 October 2021, 22:12

Jzone wrote:I don't have the strength, stamina, and physical flexibility that I used to. I do have more knowledge, experience and perspective than ever before
Which is precisely what has convinced me, that if there is a higher power or intelligent design to human life, it was engineered by a really shit comedian, or a cosmic equivilent to a child with a magnifying glass and an ant collection...

Who else would make it so, you would be furnished with knowledge, experience and wisdom, while simultaneously being robbed of the capacity to fully utilise it? :crazy:

An arsehole, that's who. Fortunate I'm agnostic really, less stress that way, so perhaps I'll suffer less ill health. :shrug:
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby McTaggartfan » 1 October 2021, 22:24

PopTart wrote:
Jzone wrote:I don't have the strength, stamina, and physical flexibility that I used to. I do have more knowledge, experience and perspective than ever before
Which is precisely what has convinced me, that if there is a higher power or intelligent design to human life, it was engineered by a really shit comedian, or a cosmic equivilent to a child with a magnifying glass and an ant collection...

Who else would make it so, you would be furnished with knowledge, experience and wisdom, while simultaneously being robbed of the capacity to fully utilise it? :crazy:

An arsehole, that's who. Fortunate I'm agnostic really, less stress that way, so perhaps I'll suffer less ill health. :shrug:


You should try reading some of the more religiously themed letters written by Seneca the Younger. I suspect it might give you a more learned perspective on the interrelations between aging, wisdom, and God.
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby PopTart » 1 October 2021, 22:34

McTaggartfan wrote:
PopTart wrote:
Jzone wrote:I don't have the strength, stamina, and physical flexibility that I used to. I do have more knowledge, experience and perspective than ever before
Which is precisely what has convinced me, that if there is a higher power or intelligent design to human life, it was engineered by a really shit comedian, or a cosmic equivilent to a child with a magnifying glass and an ant collection...

Who else would make it so, you would be furnished with knowledge, experience and wisdom, while simultaneously being robbed of the capacity to fully utilise it? :crazy:

An arsehole, that's who. Fortunate I'm agnostic really, less stress that way, so perhaps I'll suffer less ill health. :shrug:


You should try reading some of the more religiously themed letters written by Seneca the Younger. I suspect it might give you a more learned perspective on the interrelations between aging, wisdom, and God.

On the one hand, I do like stoicism, superficially, but on the other hand, I don't really care much about the interrelations between God and... prety much anything else, hence the agnosticism really :P
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Re: Gay and Aging

Unread postby ThatNomad » 10 October 2021, 14:14

pozboro wrote:In the meantime, how does aging differ for people who identify as LBTQIA etc?


It only really differs, IMO, when one buys into the mass produced, white washed, gym body obsessed "gay culture" that is presented in media at an alarming rate. I am 36, and honestly feel better, and look better than I did in my twenties. I'm also happier, and more fulfilled, and don't see that changing just because I get older. I think it's mostly a mindset, and also does depend on the caliber of people you surround yourself with. If you choose to be around the type of person I mentioned above life in general is going to be miserable no matter what age, but certainly it will be god awful as one gets older. If you choose to surround yourself with quality people then your age won't matter to them, and they will see you for who you genuinely are, instead of the ignorant box of preconceived notions they've got about what makes someone valuable or worthy.


Cali Ed wrote:"Confirmed bachelor" is an odd way of saying "free from the shackles of a repressive, heteronormative society." Never feel regret or failure for not living up to the mediocre standards of a greeting card world. Enjoy the small things in life — whether it's a furtive blowjob in a park toilet or just a particularly erotic Only Fans page — without setting yourself up for pass/fail based on the ideals of a bad Hollywood rom-com. I rejected the concept of monogamy as a gay teen who had only the glint of a life of debauchery in his eye and haven't regretted that decision a day in my life.


Just because that works for you doesn't mean it works for everyone, and your condescending attitude about it is uncalled for and incredibly insensitive to people who may think differently.

I'm reminded of a character in a television show I watched once who treated their significant other to comments like this, belittling their attempts and romance, and things of that nature, telling them they were just buying into the bullshit conventions of "heteronormative society" and such. It was cringe to watch it on a television show, and it is even more cringe to watch someone actually act like that as a real human being.

While I do respect your right to have your opinion I still feel it necessary to point out that being a dick doesn't generally come across as trying to be helpful to anyone.
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