Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

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Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby acpro » 24 February 2022, 02:21

Warning: This is a wall of text. It's about stupid social media drama lol...but I would love some advice.

Guys I need your help! I have a friend who I've known online for about a year. We live about 2 hours from each other but we're in the same state.

Well, she's super nice and she is really into a specific type of flower. When I met her she was creating a youtube channel for this flower type. I happen to be a YouTube nerd so I know a bit about how the algorithms work and stuff like that...just from watching so much YT since it's inception. So I helped her A LOT setting up her YT channel. It's grown pretty well. She created merch. I was the first person to buy something. I try to be supportive where ever I can. I liked almost all of her videos and almost always comment something, sometimes on multiple accounts to help her engagement. She is aware of this. She supported me when my dad died and bought me a gift card.

I'm not a fanatic for her type of flower that she has created her YT around. I like them but it's not my thing...I just like all of the flowers. But if I was going to narrow it down I would say I like cut flowers and vegetables. However, her flower could go under the umbrella of cut flowers.

So with her social media's related to her YT, she created a physical calendar which has proceeds that go to a charity. Very nice. Well, I didn't buy it. To be honest, I didn't really know about it until Feb. But it wasn't on sale until Feb either.

Fast forward to today. I was telling her about how this author, who is like one of the leading cut flower authors sells their book from their website much cheaper than it is sold on Amazon. On Amazon it's like $150. On the site it's $50. Great deal, right?

After I tell her about this book she says "wait a minute, you bought a $50 book and you didn't buy my calendar?" I was soo taken back by this. I just said, I had already bought a calendar for this year and the book I bought isn't like a picture book, it's a reference book...the author has a phd and all that. I made that distinction because the calendar is like a photo thing. It does benefit charity though. So after I say that she says nothing!

This is ironic because I've warned her about how these communities on Youtube and social media in general have lots of drama over petty stuff. So I feel like the drama was just brought to me. I guess, I always just felt like she realized I was just a flower newbie and not a fanatic for her flower type, so I didn't think she'd mind if I didn't buy her calendar.

One thing that really bothers me about the calendar is that she quotes herself on it. And to be honest, even if I had the disposable income right now to buy her calendar (which I don't), I'd just feel so cringey having a calendar where someone quotes themselves on the front cover. I don't think she realized the level of social faux pas this is. Obviously, I'm not going to mention this to her now. But omg if this was 10 years ago, I would have been so offended that someone was calling me out by not supporting them, I would have brought this up, and ruined the friendship.

I'm supposed to meet her for lunch in two weeks. What do I do now? She never responded to me. I feel like I let her down but I sort of thought there was an unspoken boundary where I was glad to help her where I could but her level of devotion to this specific flower way surpasses mine.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby pozzie » 24 February 2022, 06:10

Wow, talk about a really weird way to nuke a friendship. Isn't there an aphorism about mixing business with friendship? Maybe if you guys can find a way to talk through this, things will be okay again. I'm just at a loss for suggestions on how to approach the topic without it spinning out of control. Seems fairly trivial in the grand scheme of friendships, but clearly she was hurt. At least that my read on what you've shared. Maybe approach it by saying sorry?

BTW, I'd avoid mentioning a lack of money as a rationalization for why you didn't buy the calendar. Probably same goes for most other reasons you've shared. My guess is any rationalization will just dig the hole deeper.

Are calendar's like self-published books on Amazon? Sales matter since the more you sell the more likely Amazon will promote. It's also about support. I remember a friend's book launch/reading. Her family and friends literally drove hundreds of miles to attend and the crowd literally bought every copy the bookstore had. My family, on the other hand, couldn't be bothered to even read what I published on my website. Which author do you feel was buoyed by love and support of the people in her life?

I don't think it really matters how into something one is or isn't in these kinds of situations. It's about affirming the work she's put forth no matter how you actually feel about the product. Finding something to love about what she's doing is probably a good way to help mend the rip in the friendship.

And just to be clear, I'm not saying she's right and you were wrong - far from it - but alas, how much wrongheadedness has ended up destroying friendships or relationships? If I ended up in your shoes, I'd really weigh the pros and cons of just what such a friendship meant to me. If everything else more than made up for the obsession and misplaced expectation, then fine, figure out a way forward. Otherwise, idk, seems like maybe moving on wouldn't be such a terrible thing.

Last, it's kind of sad that it takes money to be seen as supportive, but it's the world we find ourselves in. Can't say I'm shocked, just saddened. Good luck whatever you choose to do next.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby Brenden » 24 February 2022, 10:32

She sounds toxic as hemlock. Is that her favourite flower? Nightshade? Wolfsbane?
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby acpro » 24 February 2022, 13:49

pozzie wrote:Wow, talk about a really weird way to nuke a friendship. Isn't there an aphorism about mixing business with friendship? Maybe if you guys can find a way to talk through this, things will be okay again. I'm just at a loss for suggestions on how to approach the topic without it spinning out of control. Seems fairly trivial in the grand scheme of friendships, but clearly she was hurt. At least that my read on what you've shared. Maybe approach it by saying sorry?

BTW, I'd avoid mentioning a lack of money as a rationalization for why you didn't buy the calendar. Probably same goes for most other reasons you've shared. My guess is any rationalization will just dig the hole deeper.

Are calendar's like self-published books on Amazon? Sales matter since the more you sell the more likely Amazon will promote. It's also about support. I remember a friend's book launch/reading. Her family and friends literally drove hundreds of miles to attend and the crowd literally bought every copy the bookstore had. My family, on the other hand, couldn't be bothered to even read what I published on my website. Which author do you feel was buoyed by love and support of the people in her life?

I don't think it really matters how into something one is or isn't in these kinds of situations. It's about affirming the work she's put forth no matter how you actually feel about the product. Finding something to love about what she's doing is probably a good way to help mend the rip in the friendship.

And just to be clear, I'm not saying she's right and you were wrong - far from it - but alas, how much wrongheadedness has ended up destroying friendships or relationships? If I ended up in your shoes, I'd really weigh the pros and cons of just what such a friendship meant to me. If everything else more than made up for the obsession and misplaced expectation, then fine, figure out a way forward. Otherwise, idk, seems like maybe moving on wouldn't be such a terrible thing.

Last, it's kind of sad that it takes money to be seen as supportive, but it's the world we find ourselves in. Can't say I'm shocked, just saddened. Good luck whatever you choose to do next.


Yes, you're right, I'm not going to keep giving her reasons about why I didn't buy it...it would make me look guilty of something I'm really not guilty of.

She's been really cool up until yesterday. I'm sort of hoping she comes to her senses and is apologizes to me...or who knows maybe I'm reading this wrong? I don't think I am though. But it was all through text messaging. I'm going to wait for her to say something.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby acpro » 24 February 2022, 13:50

Brenden wrote:She sounds toxic as hemlock. Is that her favourite flower? Nightshade? Wolfsbane?


Yeah this does sound super toxic, right? Why do people do dumb stuff like this?? Ahhhhh

It's an english rose.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby Brenden » 24 February 2022, 14:41

Roses aren't even that great IMHO, especially the ones (in-)bred for appearance of the flower — they tend to lose their lovely scent and the rest of the foliage starts to look emaciated.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby PopTart » 24 February 2022, 15:32

I'd ignore her temper tantrum. Let her bring it up, if she insists on holding onto this upset.

When she does, demonstrate how surprised you are at the depth of her outrage, given that you gave so much time and effort supporting her in her venture in more tangible and meaningful ways than throwing money at a calender, that is no doubt lovely, but that you don't need, remind her of how much you helped her.

What does she want? A friend who is there to support her, give her sage advice and encouragement, or another, single sale? Sure, you could give her both, but you don't have the money and surely, the former beats out the later any day of the week.

Is she toxic? You'd know better than we would, maybe she lacks impulse control and has a thin skin? :shrug:

Either way, it needn't be the end or a friendship that otherwise has been good on both sides. You just need to remind her to use her head and not be reacting like a little bitch.

Edit: left out an entire sentence. :facepalm2: long week.
Last edited by PopTart on 24 February 2022, 16:47, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby acpro » 24 February 2022, 16:37

Brenden wrote:Roses aren't even that great IMHO, especially the ones (in-)bred for appearance of the flower — they tend to lose their lovely scent and the rest of the foliage starts to look emaciated.


The problem I have with English roses is that many of them are grafted so instead of lasting 30+ years how they would on their own roots they tend to last about 5 years...and then die. So sad. Also, most of the ones I've bought from David Austin, although super pretty as a shrub, do not make good cut flowers. They do have roses that make good cut flowers but they're not available to retail shoppers. They're only sold to specific greenhouses who then sell them to florists for events like weddings.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby acpro » 24 February 2022, 16:44

PopTart wrote:I'd ignore her temper tantrum. Let her bring it up, if she insists on holding onto this upset.

When she does, demonstrate how surprised you are at the depth of her outrage, given that you gave so much time and effort supporting her in her venture in more tangible and meaningful ways than throwing money at a calender, that is no doubt lovely, but that you don't need.

What does she want? A friend who is there to support her, give her sage advice and encouragement, or another, single sale? Sure, you could give her both, but you don't have the money and surely, the former beats out the later any day of the week.

Is she toxic? You'd know better than we would, maybe she lacks impulse control and has a thin skin? :shrug:

Either way, it needn't be the end or a friendship that otherwise has been good on both sides. You just need to remind her to use her head and not be reacting like a little bitch.


That's good advice. I'm not saying another word until she does....as of now at least. I kind of want to make light of the situation and by like joking with her that she's being dramatic or that she needs to toughen her skin. This is something that we've talked about before in general. She is overly sensitive. For example, a jerk in the comments section can really upset her. This is normal though for new YouTubers I feel like. A lot of them won't even read their comment section after awhile.

I don't think she's toxic. I think this particular thing she did is toxic though. The rose community can be just as crazy as the beauty community on social media lol. I don't know if she's gotten too deep into social media or what. I've only known her for a year and this is the first time she's ever called me out like this though.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby PopTart » 24 February 2022, 16:53

acpro wrote:
PopTart wrote:I'd ignore her temper tantrum. Let her bring it up, if she insists on holding onto this upset.

When she does, demonstrate how surprised you are at the depth of her outrage, given that you gave so much time and effort supporting her in her venture in more tangible and meaningful ways than throwing money at a calender, that is no doubt lovely, but that you don't need.

What does she want? A friend who is there to support her, give her sage advice and encouragement, or another, single sale? Sure, you could give her both, but you don't have the money and surely, the former beats out the later any day of the week.

Is she toxic? You'd know better than we would, maybe she lacks impulse control and has a thin skin? :shrug:

Either way, it needn't be the end or a friendship that otherwise has been good on both sides. You just need to remind her to use her head and not be reacting like a little bitch.


That's good advice. I'm not saying another word until she does....as of now at least. I kind of want to make light of the situation and by like joking with her that she's being dramatic or that she needs to toughen her skin. This is something that we've talked about before in general. She is overly sensitive. For example, a jerk in the comments section can really upset her. This is normal though for new YouTubers I feel like. A lot of them won't even read their comment section after awhile.

I don't think she's toxic. I think this particular thing she did is toxic though. The rose community can be just as crazy as the beauty community on social media lol. I don't know if she's gotten too deep into social media or what. I've only known her for a year and this is the first time she's ever called me out like this though.

Certainly sounds like she is being a tad immature, for certain. Best way to deal with immaturity is to ignore it.

As to English roses. They do tend to be quite picky about the soil they grow in.

We have tons of chalk on the soil here in Kent and Roses of all descriptions thrive. Infact, they can thrive a little too much.

My grandad always swore by two things for long lasting and vibrant roses in the garden. Bone meal and beef blood. Sounds grim, but I had a rose Bush that loved the stuff. Kinda hard to get the blood these days, since most butchers don't even stock it and most of those (butchers) have been pushed out of business by supermarkets. But I digress.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 24 February 2022, 17:44

She’s being a bit of a daffodildo if you ask me. I would say just ignore it and move on. She’s being petty and dumb. It isn’t like you haven’t helped her out at all — which you didn’t need to anyway, but you did so it counts for something.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby pozzie » 24 February 2022, 19:07

Lots of good advice to consider. Just one final thought, if you try to convince her she's the one with the problem, the chances of things going under will increase. If she brings it up - and it makes good sense to just ignore it until she does - I'd suggest listening and filing away the information for next time. You're not going to change her or her behavior. Only she can do that.

What's the joke about the woman who asks, "Does this make me look fat?" Most men have learned to be very careful of such questions. I'm not sure her asking, "Was I in the wrong?" will be much easier to parry.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby acpro » 25 February 2022, 02:06

PopTart wrote:
acpro wrote:
PopTart wrote:I'd ignore her temper tantrum. Let her bring it up, if she insists on holding onto this upset.

When she does, demonstrate how surprised you are at the depth of her outrage, given that you gave so much time and effort supporting her in her venture in more tangible and meaningful ways than throwing money at a calender, that is no doubt lovely, but that you don't need.

What does she want? A friend who is there to support her, give her sage advice and encouragement, or another, single sale? Sure, you could give her both, but you don't have the money and surely, the former beats out the later any day of the week.

Is she toxic? You'd know better than we would, maybe she lacks impulse control and has a thin skin? :shrug:

Either way, it needn't be the end or a friendship that otherwise has been good on both sides. You just need to remind her to use her head and not be reacting like a little bitch.


That's good advice. I'm not saying another word until she does....as of now at least. I kind of want to make light of the situation and by like joking with her that she's being dramatic or that she needs to toughen her skin. This is something that we've talked about before in general. She is overly sensitive. For example, a jerk in the comments section can really upset her. This is normal though for new YouTubers I feel like. A lot of them won't even read their comment section after awhile.

I don't think she's toxic. I think this particular thing she did is toxic though. The rose community can be just as crazy as the beauty community on social media lol. I don't know if she's gotten too deep into social media or what. I've only known her for a year and this is the first time she's ever called me out like this though.

Certainly sounds like she is being a tad immature, for certain. Best way to deal with immaturity is to ignore it.

As to English roses. They do tend to be quite picky about the soil they grow in.

We have tons of chalk on the soil here in Kent and Roses of all descriptions thrive. Infact, they can thrive a little too much.

My grandad always swore by two things for long lasting and vibrant roses in the garden. Bone meal and beef blood. Sounds grim, but I had a rose Bush that loved the stuff. Kinda hard to get the blood these days, since most butchers don't even stock it and most of those (butchers) have been pushed out of business by supermarkets. But I digress.


I like them! I like David Austin. That's how I met this lady. It was my first year growing them last year and I was looking for advice. I'm not sure about the UK but in the US blood meal is one of the top ingredients in a lot of fertilizers. I'm pretty sure you could find it isolated if you needed it. Try a garden center.

Also, you're so lucky because you can go to the MAIN DA nursery! I'm going visit it next time I'm in the UK. Last time I was in the UK I wasn't allowed to leave my sister's house bc of quarantine (my sister lives in Oxfordshire).
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby acpro » 25 February 2022, 02:07

poolerboy0077 wrote:She’s being a bit of a daffodildo if you ask me. I would say just ignore it and move on. She’s being petty and dumb. It isn’t like you haven’t helped her out at all — which you didn’t need to anyway, but you did so it counts for something.


I'm ignoring it. But we had a pretty good friendship. I can't imagine it ending over a calendar. I thought for sure she was going to message me today and say something like, "omg, I'm so sorry I was drunk last night and I didn't mean anything I said" ... but of course that did not happen.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby acpro » 25 February 2022, 02:11

pozzie wrote:Lots of good advice to consider. Just one final thought, if you try to convince her she's the one with the problem, the chances of things going under will increase. If she brings it up - and it makes good sense to just ignore it until she does - I'd suggest listening and filing away the information for next time. You're not going to change her or her behavior. Only she can do that.

What's the joke about the woman who asks, "Does this make me look fat?" Most men have learned to be very careful of such questions. I'm not sure her asking, "Was I in the wrong?" will be much easier to parry.


lol you read my mind. I was wondering how I would address it if she started messaging me again. Probably not a good idea to try to re-hash it over and over again explaining how wrong she is. I really just hope she comes to her own senses and realizes she is acting like a nut. I know that won't happen though.
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Re: Help to Avoid Drama with Friend!

Unread postby acpro » 2 March 2022, 15:27

UPDATE! This morning, I was doing my seasonal car jump, which I have to do every 3-4 months because my car always dies from not being driven lol...and I got a text from my flower friend. She said "Opps I don't know how I missed that text. I've been swamped with house work for the last week". And I was like, "omg I thought you were mad at me" And then she joked about how crazy it would be to be mad at someone who didn't buy her calendar.

I'm not sure if she's being honest about not seeing my last text...which only said something like, "don't worry this isn't a picture book it's a reference book on how to plant just about anything". Maybe she just needed a week to cool down? Who knows?!?!? Whatever, I'll just go on as usual lol...although this is the longest we've never spoken to each other since we've known each other.
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