How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

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How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby JackG95 » 23 July 2019, 14:07

Hi everyone!

I hope I'm posting this thread in the correct section. I'm seeking for some helpful advices...

As a gay guy, I'm really scared of what will happen in my life in the future... I have been doing a lot of reserch on internet and sadly I have seen that homophobic attacks still happen nowadays all over the world and when I say "all over the world" I mean, they happen in any country, it doesn't matter where you are because sadly there isn't any country that's 100% tolerant towards homosexuals.

This is a problem for me because I have a feminine personality, I'm sensitive and I feel like I can't defend myself when something happens to me. I feel very afraid of going outside and people would start telling me homophobic slurs and even maybe violence. At this moment, I haven't experienced any kind of homophobia because I'm still single and no one knows about my sexuality, but when I start living on my own and when I have a boyfriend I feel like I will suffer from homophobia.

I don't really want to deal with homophobic people, so I would need some advices in order to avoid homophobic situations, I have been thinking a lot about it and I think the best option would be trying to hide my sexuality the best I can to people I don't trust and not showing affection towards my boyfriend when we will be in public, just only we would do it privately: When we are at home. Do you think this is a good idea?

Do you have any other ideas in order to feel safe?

I plan moving to the Netherlands in the future, I'm currently from Spain. Do you know if the Netherlands is a safe place to be gay?

Also, I would like to know if you feel safe as a gay person.

Thank you in advance and I hope asking all this is allowed on this forum. I really need to hear experiences and advices from other fellow gays.

Take care everyone! ;)
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Eryx » 23 July 2019, 15:17

No place on Earth is perfectly safe, but I would argue that Spain and the Netherlands are basically the best places you could be to be a gay person.

Of course anything could happen anywhere, but for most places in those countries (and in Western Europe, basically) you're very unlikely to run into any problems. You should start looking for places where there are more gay couples living, places where younger crowds usually visit and LGBT-oriented venues, where everyone will also be gay or at least an ally.

If you feel like you're unsafe and can't defend yourself, start taking steps to change that. Take up martial arts, especially defensive ones, build up your strength and learn how to be always alert with your surroundings, the best ways to get help and avoid risky situations -- walking alone in the middle of the night, going to less developed areas where foreigners from homophobic countries or homophobes might hang out at.

I don't think you would need to hide that you're gay in most places in Europe. To be honest that's quite an overreaction. I live in a capital city here in Brazil. I'm not really feminine but I'm not big or masculine either, I hold my boyfriend's hands everywhere and we kiss anywhere we go too, the worst that has happened to me related to homophobia in all my life was a group of guys honking at us as they drove by.

Twice, two older women approached us at bus stops telling us that we were being disrespectful for holding each other in public, and to both of them we just said "fuck off."

I doubt you're going to run into any serious trouble, but if you do run into a verbal altercation, stand your ground, do your best to diffuse the situation and leave if you can. If anything gets physical, be ready to call the police and make a conscious effort to always be around friends or in places with a lot of people.

When people get scared about homophobia, they typically mean Eastern Europe, Africa, the Middle East, not Western countries.
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Iamjava » 23 July 2019, 17:56

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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby lightnight » 23 July 2019, 19:15

I might be speaking from a place of privilege (having never been physically attacked in my adult life for being not masculine enough), so forgive me for saying this, but imagining problems is sometimes worse than when they actually happen.

Maybe take some self defense class if you feel unsafe. Carry pepper spray or some other tool if you have to. I doubt you'd have to use them if you're not living in a really unsafe environment though. I've learned that one of the best things about adulthood is that most people are too busy minding their own business to actually go and bully others for their appearances and choices.

But then again, I might be speaking from a place of privilege as I live in a middle class neighbourhood, don't really go out of my way to stand out, nor do I have many chances to interact with strangers.
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 23 July 2019, 21:03

Have you tried a safe space?
Blow: "Nowadays even Liam can release an album of his screechy vocals and it'll probably go #1..."
Ramzus: I can admit that I'm horny just about 24/7
homomorphism: I used to not think your name was deshay and that Erick was just being racist
Hunter: sometimes I think I was literally born to be a pornstar
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Yeauxleaux » 25 July 2019, 01:52

Eryx is right. If you really want to feel safer then the best thing is taking up self-defense classes, learning how to fight if you need to.

I actually support discreetly carrying weapons for self-defense too, and I hate how ridiculous my country is in banning literally anything that could be considered a weapon (seriously even pepper spray is illegal here). If I lived in America I'd be pro-second amendment. I think having means of defending yourself against a violent attacker is a basic right.

I could talk about how I'd love to live in a beautiful little pacifist world where there's flowers and rainbows all day, but the cold hard reality is that's not the world we live in. You could possibly be attacked, and more than likely if/when that happens there police aren't going to be right there for you. If/when shit goes down you can't be scared of fucking someone up if they come at you violently.
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Eryx » 26 July 2019, 00:06

I considered carrying my swiss knife for some time, but I was afraid that it could end up being used against me if I didn't act fast. The robbers here are way more experienced about inflicting pain than me. But since I stopped walking around alone at night and going to trashier places, I haven't run into any bad situation. Sometimes I even feel like my city's getting safer in general, but I know that's probably not true, it's just an effect of my change of habits.
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Dextroque » 26 July 2019, 07:10

The main part starts at 5:05 :flame:

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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Brenden » 26 July 2019, 09:49

Yeauxleaux wrote:I actually support discreetly carrying weapons for self-defense too, and I hate how ridiculous my country is in banning literally anything that could be considered a weapon (seriously even pepper spray is illegal here). If I lived in America I'd be pro-second amendment. I think having means of defending yourself against a violent attacker is a basic right.

Living in a society where weapons are commonplace does not make you safer just because you're allowed to carry one yourself. It massively increases the risk of violent death.
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Brenden » 26 July 2019, 10:06

The Netherlands Institute for Social Research wrote:In contrast to media reports of an increase in homophobic violence, in reality we see that over the past five years (2012 to 2017) lgb people experience less disrespect. At the same time, the percentage of lesbian/gay people who have been the victims of violent crime has fallen to such an extent that in 2017 there was no difference between lesbian/gay people and heterosexual people in this regard. This trend does not apply to bisexual people, who still experienced more violent crime than heterosexual people in 2017.
Source: LGBT Monitor 2018: The life situation of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in the Netherlands
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Brenden » 26 July 2019, 10:37

In 2017, Spanish police reported 271 hate crimes against LGBT+ people. Other sources reported 142, of which 105 were violent personal attacks, which is 74%. Applying the 74% figure to the police unspecific total of 271 gives an estimate of 200 violent attacks against LGBT+ persons in Spain in 2017. According to this research firm's survey, 6.9% of Spanish people identify as LGBT in 2016. The population of Spain in 2017 was 46.4 million, so the LGBT population was roughly 3.2 million. That gives a rate of violent attacks against LGBT people as 6.2 per 100,000. For comparison, the burglary rate in Spain is 376.79 per 100,000, so you are 61 times more likely to be burgled than to experience a violent hate crime for being LGBT.
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Brenden » 26 July 2019, 10:55

In 2017, Dutch police reported 731 hate crimes against LGBT+ people. Other sources reported 10, of which 10 were violent personal attacks, which is 100%. Applying the 100% figure to the police's unspecific total of 731 gives an estimate of 731 violent attacks against LGBT+ persons in the Netherlands in 2017. According to this research firm's survey, 6.4% of Dutch people identified as LGBT in 2016. The population of the Netherlands in 2017 was 17 million, so the LGBT population was roughly 1.1 million. That gives a rate of violent attacks against LGBT people in the Netherlands as 66.5 per 100,000.
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby jimbo_xix » 27 July 2019, 18:09

None of us are completely safe. I recommend taking self defense classes. I live in the U.S. and also carry a gun.

I favor preemptive measures. Quite frankly I advocate gangs of faggots committing random assaults on lone heterosexual males walking the streets at night. Maybe after we beat the crap out of them we could spray paint their faces with the rainbow colors. It would send a message.
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Eryx » 27 July 2019, 21:22

Rainbow-colored skinhead. That's cute.
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Iamjava » 28 July 2019, 04:30

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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 28 July 2019, 06:15

JackG95 wrote:...

As a gay guy, I'm really scared of what will happen in my life in the future...


I used to think I had it bad here in the US, but then I heard stories of where it is much worse. You hear about how parts of Africa got pretty anti-gay with the encourage of extreme right-wing US preachers. I met a married gay Arab from Saudi Arabia who wanted to talk about being gay. He explained to me that traditionally the punishment for m2m sex among adults was to throw the participants off of the highest building in the town. In Iran, they are much more tolerant of transsexuals than gay men. There have been reports of gay men being pressured into having a sex change operation (yes I know the politically correct term is gender confirming surgery). Imagine how great their pressure must be that they have to give up their male parts to be allowed to be with a man.)

I had never imagined that in modern times such attitudes existed in the world.

Also note that EPIX Cable channels has a free pre-view weekend with my Dish Network subscription , and that included a documentary about Russia's anti-gay attitudes during the 2014 Winter Olympic Games there. The comment was made that some of the local LGBT activists felt somewhat betrayed that gays from the west who came to the Olympics didn't push harder to protest the Russian laws. It seemed like many gay visitors were simply scared from taking a more active stance against the Russian policy.

Anyway, as to your own concerns, you have to do whatever it takes to protect yourself. You said you have somewhat of a feminine personality. Does that include your attire, and your mannerisms (ie walk). You might want to "butch it up", when you are in areas where you feel threatened. I'm not saying I buy into the idea that the victim is responsible for their own victimization. I'm just saying to try to minimize your risks of standing out when you are in an extremely hateful anti-LGBT area. You are fine as you are, its the bullies who are the problem. However, if they cannot detect you are gay, then you are left alone.

Also, there is comfort in numbers. I wouldn't travel alone in an area if I felt threatened. There are women who get concerned about their own safety that they don't typically go somewhere unless they are in a group.

It is good advice to take self-defense lessons. As to gun ownership, I am a gun owner, but only to kill predictors who attack my livestock. I wouldn't feel comfortable with a gun for self-protection because I always feared someone would mistake ME for a shooter, and shoot ME.

In all honesty, I should add that perhaps another reason I rarely ever felt threatened is that I'm tall and fairly a big guy. I also can have a pretty mean and intimidating look. Thus probably more back off from me as they aren't sure they want to take on an intimidating guy.

I recall a few gay guys over the years who asked me if I would walk them to their car. All of them I recall had in common that they were smallish guys. -- that stood out more than where they would score on some sliding masculine scale.

One guy actually admitted that he was once hit over the head and knocked unconscious by haters when he left a gay city bar. Now bats, guns, knives, etc do not make a distinction over one's height, musculature, etc. Rather, bullies try to pick on the easiest target. So if you are a smallish man, you may want to reinforce the idea that you should go places in a group of friends. Also I noticed the popularity for single women to have large breed dogs. I'm not talking necessarily about more aggressive breeds such as pit bulls, but at least a big dog. Perhaps you would like to have a big dog as a pet.

I'm not in your shoes at all, but if you are intimidated you need to do whatever you think is necessary to feel safe. You are so young (23), and should have many HAPPY years ahead free of fear for your safety. Only you can figure out what you need to do to get to that point. I may have focused on some negative stuff I have heard about, but to be honest, I think most of us who have been around a while have had more good times than bad. Life is typically good for many of us, even in a world with way too much hate.
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Jryski » 28 July 2019, 07:45

jimbo_xix wrote:None of us are completely safe. I recommend taking self defense classes. I live in the U.S. and also carry a gun.

I favor preemptive measures. Quite frankly I advocate gangs of faggots committing random assaults on lone heterosexual males walking the streets at night. Maybe after we beat the crap out of them we could spray paint their faces with the rainbow colors. It would send a message.

But what kind of image would you be presenting? Is that how you would like to be portrayed as?
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby jimbo_xix » 5 August 2019, 06:58

Iamjava wrote:
jimbo_xix wrote:None of us are completely safe. I recommend taking self defense classes. I live in the U.S. and also carry a gun.

I favor preemptive measures. Quite frankly I advocate gangs of faggots committing random assaults on lone heterosexual males walking the streets at night. Maybe after we beat the crap out of them we could spray paint their faces with the rainbow colors. It would send a message.


Interestingly enough, many gay and tranny beat the crap out of haters in my prison. It didn't change their attitude.


You've been in prison? So have I and proud of it.
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Jryski » 5 August 2019, 10:44

What did you go to prison for?
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Re: How to feel safe as a gay person? I need advices

Unread postby Iamjava » 5 August 2019, 17:02

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