I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

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I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 25 April 2014, 10:55

So in Genesis there's the story of Abraham and Isaac that I'm sure you're all familiar with: God commands Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, Abraham binds him to an altar, an angel stops Abraham at the last minute, the angel explains it was a test, Abraham sacrifices a nearby ram instead.

Now, God in the Hebrew scriptures, specifically in the Decalogue, says that one shall not murder. It is considered a sin. Yet here God makes an exception to his rule because he commanded it and has the power to alter his own rules, presumably. This is probably why Christian apologists like William Lane Craig adhere to "divine command theory" which states that whatever God commands is good simply because he commanded it.


So here's what came across my mind: What if Abraham was told to give his son a blowjob? :0

Divine command theory would have to concede that that would not only be ethically permissible, but required. They couldn't also say that God would never order this. I mean, murdering an innocent person is already wrong regardless of whatever a religion says. Murdering your own son is even worse. So why would it be inconceivable that God would order someone to suck their son's cock? In fact, it's much more ethical by comparison.

By the way, Abraham would totes suck his son's dick. Check out these two fags:

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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Simon » 25 April 2014, 10:57

First!
Derek wrote:I infer from your tone that an incisive blow has been dealt to my interpretation but I am unable to perceive it.
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Mod » 25 April 2014, 10:58

Third!
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby c1ask0 » 25 April 2014, 11:00

I think you're really bored.

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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 25 April 2014, 11:02

Hater

You don't deserve to have your dad blow you. Yeah, I went there.
Blow: "Nowadays even Liam can release an album of his screechy vocals and it'll probably go #1..."
Ramzus: I can admit that I'm horny just about 24/7
homomorphism: I used to not think your name was deshay and that Erick was just being racist
Hunter: sometimes I think I was literally born to be a pornstar
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Brenden » 25 April 2014, 11:19

:psyduck:

That there is one massive non-sequitur jump to fellatio.
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 25 April 2014, 11:26

Brenden wrote::psyduck:

That there is one massive non-sequitur jump to fellatio.

Non-sequitur jumps from deistic God proofs to Christianity are made all the time in religious apologetics. I guess I should be lauded by Answers In Genesis.
Blow: "Nowadays even Liam can release an album of his screechy vocals and it'll probably go #1..."
Ramzus: I can admit that I'm horny just about 24/7
homomorphism: I used to not think your name was deshay and that Erick was just being racist
Hunter: sometimes I think I was literally born to be a pornstar
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Lucas » 25 April 2014, 11:56

Pooler I think you've just proved God is into gay BDSM. It's like Da Vinci code up in this bitch.
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Will » 25 April 2014, 12:55

I love you. :lol: At any rate, yes, according to Divine Command Theory, Abraham would be morally obliged to suck Isaac's cock. It's a shame that God didn't just command that and then not send an angel to stop it, I imagine it would have been far less traumatic for Isaac. I mean, no one wants their dad to suck their cock, but that's significantly more desirable than being murdered by your dad.

On a related note, which part of the Bible deals with Isaac's psychological trauma from his particularly twisted near-death experience? Was there a passage, or was it just sort of brushed over?
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Josiemonster » 25 April 2014, 14:14

This whole thing is ridonk.

Both the original story, and Pooler's reinvention.... :lol:
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Derek » 25 April 2014, 14:41

I think a more nuanced method of exegesis would hold that the story is largely symbolic in nature, with God's messenger representing Abraham's higher consciousness and ability to discern right and wrong. Child sacrifice was extremely common among the Canaanites and it wouldn't have been out of character for one of their gods to demand it, which would help explain Abraham's resolution. The fact that Yaweh prevented it is extremely significant, both in that it signaled a shift in divine ethics, and that this shift was commensurate with Abraham's own sense of morality, so that obeisance and righteousness were no longer incompatible. If that were the case, then the fact that God commanded Abraham to kill Isaac rather than blow him is an essential component of the narrative.
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Paragon » 25 April 2014, 18:40

Dood, the Hebrew god is totally new and came out of nowhere and is totally unrelated to other similarly-named Caananite deities and such worshipped by pagan city-states in the Bronze Age. Everyone knows this and it's fact.
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Derek » 25 April 2014, 19:12

I infer from your tone that an incisive blow has been dealt to my interpretation but I am unable to perceive it.
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Eirik » 25 April 2014, 19:23

Paragon wrote:Dood, the Hebrew god is totally new and came out of nowhere and is totally unrelated to other similarly-named Caananite deities and such worshipped by pagan city-states in the Bronze Age. Everyone knows this and it's fact.


Well that's not totally true, actually. Old Hebrew conceptions of the divine are exactly that- the product of a historical process wherein the generally accepted idea of God was gradually matured and refined. Christianity, OTOH, is based on the revelation of God by himself (in Christ) and not an evolution of ideas.
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Brenden » 25 April 2014, 19:36

The ideas of the early Christians were quite diverse and certainly evolved over the course of the first few centuries after Christ, especially as Christians/ity migrated toward Rome and adapted Roman rituals and beliefs.
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Eirik » 25 April 2014, 20:01

A lot of what one might call peripheral aspects of Christian belief were diverse, but the central conception of God as revealed in the person of Jesus was common to all of them, and that's the point.
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Nam » 25 April 2014, 21:05

'...and lo, the lord have sayeth "sucketh your sons naughty rod, else encounter my wrath, for I am your lord and I like this shizzle, for it is my command". And so abraham did sucketh upon the rod of the chosen one betwix his legs and lo, it was good;though'eth it be against the morals of many an individual in future times...."
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 25 April 2014, 21:12

Derek wrote:I think a more nuanced method of exegesis would hold that the story is largely symbolic in nature, with God's messenger representing Abraham's higher consciousness and ability to discern right and wrong. Child sacrifice was extremely common among the Canaanites and it wouldn't have been out of character for one of their gods to demand it, which would help explain Abraham's resolution. The fact that Yaweh prevented it is extremely significant, both in that it signaled a shift in divine ethics, and that this shift was commensurate with Abraham's own sense of morality, so that obeisance and righteousness were no longer incompatible. If that were the case, then the fact that God commanded Abraham to kill Isaac rather than blow him is an essential component of the narrative.

You could make a similar case about temple prostitution. My blowjob point still stands. :oface:
Blow: "Nowadays even Liam can release an album of his screechy vocals and it'll probably go #1..."
Ramzus: I can admit that I'm horny just about 24/7
homomorphism: I used to not think your name was deshay and that Erick was just being racist
Hunter: sometimes I think I was literally born to be a pornstar
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Brenden » 25 April 2014, 21:36

Eirik wrote:A lot of what one might call peripheral aspects of Christian belief were diverse, but the central conception of God as revealed in the person of Jesus was common to all of them, and that's the point.

Well, that point is wrong.
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Re: I just had an epiphany concerning Christianity and blowjobs

Unread postby Eirik » 25 April 2014, 21:43

Well known tome on theology is wikipedia :lol:
Anything that isn't orthodox Christology is heresy, and not Christianity.
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