I need REAL advice or input about friend(s) and anxiety

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I need REAL advice or input about friend(s) and anxiety

Unread postby HelpPlease » 27 July 2021, 04:07

Hello. This is going to be a long post and I only signed up to post this. I am at ends meet with a friend and I don't know what to do. Im so lost. I have also been having horrible nightmares, depression and anxiety.

We've been friends for about two years now. I met him at my current job. He no longer works there but we still stay in contact. When we first went out with each other, it was with a big group of people. The first time we hung out by ourselves was some few months later. It took a little bit for us to warm up to each other but afterwards we started to click pretty well.

Going forward a bit, him and I hang out whenever we can. We talk about many things and he's the best guy friend I have had in a while. one think we talk about a lot is our personal and sex lives (who've we've been with. our experiences. who we think is hot. etc.) We have a really strong bromance. We would joke around each other a lot and I would quite often flirt with him but it was never serious like "omg I love you so much." It never made him too uncomfortable and didn't have any real issues with it but there we're times he would say please stop and I wold stop. there we're boundaries and I crossed one one time and I didn't realize that I did. he said hey please don't do that again.

Going forward a bit again, last week (Sunday) I was with my him. so he offered me to give him a blowjob. I was excited, nervous, and not really expecting it. there were times were i thought he wanted to ask but I never truly believed it. we were talking that Sunday about our sex lives again and he was sexually frustrated. Since Im always with him, I guess he got tired of waiting. he said he was even going to ask me the week before but it was late and I had to work the next day. I didn't know he was going to ask me but he had it planned for a while. I'm not sure how long he thought about it. but him and his gf broke up about 5 months ago.

I told him "I know we fuck around with each other and I joke with you but I don't want you to feel like I pressured you or anything. I was not expecting this."

he said "well I haven't had a bj in a while and and you said you haven't given one in a while. so its homies helping homies and if I don't like it use don't have to do it again." I said "If we do this it cannot ruin our friendship." He said "It won't. a girl and I messed around and once and we didn't like it and were still friends." I said "okay. if your offering ill take it."

so we do our thing. he mentions that he's enjoying it a lot and needs to happen again and this could be a thing. when we finish, on the drive home he said "we don't have to talk about this okay?" I said "we don't have to talk about it ever. if you don't want it to happen again we don't have to." It wasn't an awkward ride home but it was quiet. I drop him off and we say bye.

Things seem really normal at first. snap chatting like we always do. but Monday night he left me on read for the first time and THIS NEVER HAPPENED. we never ever ever ever left each other on read. I snap him again and he leaves me on read again. it became really hard for me to sleep and I didn't wake up to anything from him. I started to feel depressed and angry with myself.

for the rest of the week, this has been happening. he did start two new jobs recently. so on Wednesday after being eaten alive by all these thoughts, I ask him why he's leaving me on read. he said he's been doing that to everyone. I said it feels like I'm bothering you and that I am good. so I felt a bit better. the next day I asked "Why are you leaving everyone on read for?" he said "Idk just am." and then I was left on read again. I

Three nights this week, I have had nightmares about my friends killing themselves and I almost got into a horrible car accident too. I have been asking him more than usual to hang out. I asked him numerous times and I feel like I'm bothering him.

yesterday, I didn't talk to him about the BJ experience but about the nightmare I had about him earlier that week, why is he leaving me on read I also kind of talked about what happened indirectly without mentioning it. I told him I was depressed and having really bad anxiety. he Said "I am good. I am all okay. don't worry." then I sent him a snap saying "I know were good I just needed to know that you're Okay." he said "Dude were good!" I felt better almost instantly. but he kept leaving me on read again. so I invited him out to go get ice cream and it would be my treat. he Said he couldn't. I said the offers valid all night. he just laughed. we were snapping regularly and I went to get ice cream. I asked him if he wanted anything. he send a snap with a smile saying nahhh. for a bit and I thought things were okay because I got everything off my chest. I was getting left on read again.

today, I was off and I asked him what he was up to. he said, "nothing but if you're going to ask me next to hangout I really don't feel like it." I said "I'm sorry. I've been weird. ill leave you alone and give you your space." he said "I just don't feel like hanging out." I just left him on read.

because how much snap chat in the past and present has been on my mental health, I posted on a private story that I was deleting it and if anyone want to talk anyone can text me. I don't know if he even saw it because I deleted it later and under viewers he didn't see it. so I just deleted the app and not the actual account.

snap is our main form of communication. he responds to that more that texting. Now I'm getting anxiety if he sends me something, he's not going to know I deleted the app.

I've been so depressed over this for over a week, none of my friends wanted to hang out, once told me I only talk to her when its convenient for me which is not true. I work until 8 most days and she's always out and doesn't invite me anywhere anymore and she sends me snaps of her being out and that makes it even worse. and some others friends have been lying to me and they don't invite me out anymore unless its a huge group. and this guy was always there to go out whenever we could. I leaned on him to get out of the house and do whatever. I think him having two jobs now, he cant get up and now since he's working he's more tired and I'm not use to it. I told him that too.

thankfully some friends I reached out to gave me some advice but I cant get over these feelings. he's suppose to be my best friend and I don't want to lose him.

I made things worse than good and I believe just not talking to him for a bit and keeping my snap gone is the best thing.

Ive cried and cried and cried every single day since last week. I think this affected me and he's completely fine. This all started when communication died down. I know he's working and has new jobs but when he's home he's leaving me on read. now I'm just backing off and waiting a week to talk to him again. its killing me that I'm not going to talk to him for a while. I'm sick of feeling depressed. I'm sick of the nightmares and anxiety. this all started when he started leaving me on read. I'm such an ovethinker. I did more damage than good and cutting off communication for a bit is the best thing I think to do right now.

Ive been depressed because I feel like I'm losing him and its my fucking fault.

PLEASE don't tell me I messed up. I know I fucked up. give me your honest responses but please don't attack me.
HelpPlease
 
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