Joke of the Moment

Talk about anything and everything.

Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Lucas » 10 March 2015, 03:59

Posts jokes you like in this thread. I send random jokes to people on here sometimes and so a few of you might have already heard these ones.

What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from an 80 year old grandmother have in common?

You don't look down



What is the difference between an Islamic sex doll and a Christian sex doll?

The Islamic sex doll blows itself up



The only good time to yell out "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble



Getting a handjob from a girl is like watching the Special Olympics. You keep cheering them on, but deep down inside, you know you could do better.



and here is a more PG one my dad used to tell us as a kid, it's a goofy one, and only makes sense if you live where there aren't any tigers hahaha



My dad used to wake up really early every morning and go out onto the front porch and yell out all kinds of loud obscenities and threats.

Confused by this, one morning I asked him why he did it, and he replied "to scare away the tigers"

and I said "but dad, there aren't any tigers"

and he said "exactly"



Add some
Lucas
 
Posts: 4134
+1s received: 103
Joined: 21 December 2012, 19:08
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Country: United States (us)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Ciniselli » 10 March 2015, 06:02

A favourite of my grandfather's. And my father's:

A man is at home one evening reading the newspaper, when he hears a knock on the door. He gets up and answers it, only to find a man outside who asks him if he can borrow a fork.

A little strange, but he obliges. He gives the man a fork and sends him on his way.

Shortly afterwards, there's a second knock on the door. Pertrubed, he gets up again and answers it. A second person is standing there, and hurriedly asks him for a fork. Without thinking, our kind host darts into the kitchen and produces a second fork - he gives it to the man, who runs off.

Some time passes. He hangs around near the door, expecting another caller. But nothing happens. Just as he sits down again, he hears another knock. This can't go on all night. So he gets up and opens the door.

"I expect you want a fork, do you?"

"Actually, I was wondering if you had a straw."

"Well, certainly. But why?"

"Someone has been sick outside and all the good bits are gone."
Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself.
User avatar
Ciniselli
 
Posts: 311
+1s received: 3
Joined: 8 March 2015, 16:17
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Quoewlh » 10 March 2015, 07:22

Two men were fishing, one of the men spent hours and hours waiting for a good catch, but gets nothing, the other man keeps catching every minute. The man without a catch asks:
"How do you catch so many fish?"

The man with the fish said:
"What can I say? I am a master baiter"
Image
Quoewlh
 
Posts: 203
+1s received: 5
Joined: 3 March 2015, 16:21
Country: Netherlands (nl)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Nicholas » 11 March 2015, 19:10

One of my kids told me this corker today:

I went to the ice cream van and asked the man for an ice cream and he replied "hundreds and thousands?" so I said "I'll just start with the one, thanks."
Rocket_raccoon wrote:and Marmaduke you are a bitch.
User avatar
Nicholas
 
Posts: 1185
+1s received: 59
Joined: 31 March 2014, 18:33
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Welp » 11 March 2015, 19:28

...
Last edited by Welp on 9 May 2017, 06:33, edited 1 time in total.
Welp
 
Posts: 1614
+1s received: 1
Joined: 31 December 2012, 01:25

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Ciniselli » 11 March 2015, 19:29

Pfft. Americans :P.

(Hundreds and thousands are a kind of icecream in the UK - it just refers to sprinkles)
Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself.
User avatar
Ciniselli
 
Posts: 311
+1s received: 3
Joined: 8 March 2015, 16:17
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Nicholas » 11 March 2015, 20:04

Welp wrote:^I don't get it. :shrug:

"Hundreds and thousands" are a popular topping that is traditionally put on ice creams in the UK:

Image
Rocket_raccoon wrote:and Marmaduke you are a bitch.
User avatar
Nicholas
 
Posts: 1185
+1s received: 59
Joined: 31 March 2014, 18:33
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Welp » 11 March 2015, 20:11

...
Last edited by Welp on 9 May 2017, 06:33, edited 1 time in total.
Welp
 
Posts: 1614
+1s received: 1
Joined: 31 December 2012, 01:25

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Nicholas » 11 March 2015, 20:12

WOW EVAN I'LL TELL THOMAS YOU TOTALLY RUINED HIS JOKE THANKS A LOT!
Rocket_raccoon wrote:and Marmaduke you are a bitch.
User avatar
Nicholas
 
Posts: 1185
+1s received: 59
Joined: 31 March 2014, 18:33
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Lucas » 11 March 2015, 20:19

So I was eating out my grandma the other day...


...And I realized it tasted like Horse Cum. Then I remembered, "Oh yeah, that's how grandma died!"
Lucas
 
Posts: 4134
+1s received: 103
Joined: 21 December 2012, 19:08
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Country: United States (us)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Nicholas » 11 March 2015, 20:25

Lucas wrote:So I was eating out my grandma the other day...


...And I realized it tasted like Horse Cum. Then I remembered, "Oh yeah, that's how grandma died!"

:gaping:
Rocket_raccoon wrote:and Marmaduke you are a bitch.
User avatar
Nicholas
 
Posts: 1185
+1s received: 59
Joined: 31 March 2014, 18:33
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Lucas » 11 March 2015, 20:51

Nicholas wrote:
Lucas wrote:So I was eating out my grandma the other day...


...And I realized it tasted like Horse Cum. Then I remembered, "Oh yeah, that's how grandma died!"

:gaping:


:rofl:
Lucas
 
Posts: 4134
+1s received: 103
Joined: 21 December 2012, 19:08
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Country: United States (us)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 12 March 2015, 03:57

Michael Jackson was sailing on the Titanic when suddenly it struck an iceberg.

Captain: ALL WOMEN TO THE BOATS!

MJ: What about the children?!

Captain: Screw the children!

MJ: Do you think we have enough time? :shifty:
Blow: "Nowadays even Liam can release an album of his screechy vocals and it'll probably go #1..."
Ramzus: I can admit that I'm horny just about 24/7
homomorphism: I used to not think your name was deshay and that Erick was just being racist
Hunter: sometimes I think I was literally born to be a pornstar
User avatar
poolerboy0077
 
Posts: 9577
+1s received: 2604
Joined: 20 December 2012, 21:20
Country: United States (us)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby Lucas » 12 March 2015, 22:46

My boyfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down


Got approached by a prostitute today who said that she would do anything for $10. Guess who just got their car washed?
Lucas
 
Posts: 4134
+1s received: 103
Joined: 21 December 2012, 19:08
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Country: United States (us)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby louisjoe » 12 March 2015, 23:09

Looooool.

Am I the only one who's heard millions of jokes and thought every time "Ahhh I must remember that one"

All that sticks are the racist jokes, and that's not how you make friends.....
User avatar
louisjoe
 
Posts: 15
Joined: 12 March 2015, 21:54
Location: London
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby waffles » 12 March 2015, 23:12

louisjoe wrote:Looooool.

Am I the only one who's heard millions of jokes and thought every time "Ahhh I must remember that one"

All that sticks are the racist jokes, and that's not how you make friends.....


I don't even remember those :p

and those joke will help you make friends... just not the kind you like (or I like, at least)
Image
User avatar
waffles
 
Posts: 306
+1s received: 1
Joined: 12 February 2015, 20:26
Location: Belgium
Country: Belgium (be)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby louisjoe » 12 March 2015, 23:27

waffles wrote:I don't even remember those :p

and those joke will help you make friends... just not the kind you like (or I like, at least)


:wide-eyed: okay, I'd better sit on those comedic gems then. Sorry I have nothing to offer
User avatar
louisjoe
 
Posts: 15
Joined: 12 March 2015, 21:54
Location: London
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby René » 17 March 2021, 00:02

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are driving along when a cop pulls them over.

Cop: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.

Cop: You were doing 55 in a 30.

Heisenberg: Great, now I'm lost.

Cop: What's in the trunk?

Schrödinger: My cat.

The cop opens the trunk.

Cop: Your cat is dead.

Schrödinger: Well it is now, thanks a lot asshole.

The cop then arrested them. Ohm resisted.
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 7409
+1s received: 2619
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Maryland, USA / Lanarkshire, Scotland
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby McTaggartfan » 17 March 2021, 18:28

A fitting joke seeing as Pesach is coming up soon:

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this crap?"
User avatar
McTaggartfan
 
Posts: 205
+1s received: 77
Joined: 7 February 2021, 02:12
Location: Washington, D.C.
Country: United States (us)

Re: Joke of the Moment

Unread postby McTaggartfan » 4 April 2021, 19:23

Okay, okay, this one honestly made me laugh a bit. It's just most of my Jewish friends and I have joked about how silly it is that people who keep kosher do this. Why, when the sages were compiling the kashrut (dietary laws) did they think to include this stuff?? :lol:

God: And you must always remember Moses, in the kashrut, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel and abhorrent.
Moses: Ohhhh! I see! So you are saying we should never drink milk, or eat other dairy products, together with meat.

God: No, what I'm saying is this. Never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
Moses: O Lord, forgive my abundant ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to drink milk or eat dairy products, so that the two are not together in our stomachs.

God: No, Moses, what I'm saying is this, and this alone. Never cook a calf in its mother's milk!!
Moses: O Lord! Please do not strike me down for my foolishness; cast not aside Israel for my stupidity. What you mean is that we should have a separate set of dishes and utensils for milk and other dairies products, and another set for meat; and also, that if we make a mistake in these matters we must bury the defiled dish or utensil outside.

God: Okay, Moses, you know what, just do whatever you want...

:lol: :lol:
User avatar
McTaggartfan
 
Posts: 205
+1s received: 77
Joined: 7 February 2021, 02:12
Location: Washington, D.C.
Country: United States (us)

Next

Recently active
Users browsing this forum: 1840_NO, Bing [Bot], Brenden, CommonCrawl [Bot], OutsideIn, poolerboy0077 and 90 guests