Late night thoughts

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Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 11 November 2020, 03:34

TW - Could be triggering...

Venting... (triggering talks of sexual and other types of abuse)


Lots of thoughts plage my head. If it isn't one thing it's another. I've been abused and bullied most my childhood and teen years. On top of it... mental illness. I don't want to be pitied... I want to be known as strong. I've been sexually abused from around the age of 2 up until I was 7... It was bad... My first memory of it was when I was 3... I remember telling my mom that it hurt but probably didn't know what I was talking about... Then I remember having thoughts of stabbing my moms ex boyfriend when I was like 5 or 6 years old... He beat on my dog. He and my mom would get into fights and at times physical while I hide in my room. I had nightmares of sexually abused when going to bed as a kid when it was happening. I know one thing though... when I first started my period at the age of 12 1/2 I hid my bloody underwear. It triggered something in me from when I was younger... he raped me and I'd hide my bloody underwear so when my period started I tried hiding it like I did as a kid... (sorry if it's tmi). This is probably why I see spirits of little kids sometimes who are all bloodied and bruised... They are attracted to me. they tell me to help them but sadly I can't. It's scary.... the visions the voices of spirits. if they're not insulting me they're asking me for help. I try to put my trauma aside but this doesn't help. I'm a little girl in my head asking for mommy when mommy can't save them. I'm helpless and hopeless. I love you mom...
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby Marmaduke » 11 November 2020, 07:25

What is it you want us to do with this, Erti?
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 11 November 2020, 14:33

Not so much looking for advice... I plan on showing my Councelor this... It’s easier to open up here. I want to gradually be able to open up in real life.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 12 November 2020, 02:37

Is it really schizophrenia? Idk... I think every part of me is saying that I’m actually seeing and hearing these spiritual entities? That they’re real. It makes sense in my head... I talk to people in real life... but the thought goes away and things get jumble of up. I don’t make sense to them... sometimes I don’t make sense while typing... it too is a sign of schizophrenia... idk my dx is undifferentiated schizophrenia I believe... I’m not catatonic so mixture of paranoid and disorganized schizophrenia... or whatever... I think the DSM5 got rid of the subtypes... then again idk anyways... every dx they throw at me I’ve looked up... I’ve been a guinea pig for over 11 years... I feel like a lost cause.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 13 November 2020, 01:31

I want to run away from my problems and keep them behind me. I feel like things will never get better. I've lost friends due to mental illness. Seems like death is the only way out sometimes. Self harm is a desperate attempt to stay alive and keep the demons appease. I don't want to do either because I will disappoint my friends. I'm a lost cause. I realize my behavior is off and bizzare but I can't help it. I am looking for happiness but that won't happen without going through a lot of shit first. I don't know what the meaning of life is but I know there's something to it besides death. We all deal with shit... and as they say "god" gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldier... which I have a hard time believing.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 14 November 2020, 03:02

any slightest change it could mean life or death... I'm trying to work on not focusing on death... I'm trying not to romanticize death... Death is scary. Death is the only thing that is permanent. I've been having a hard time with emotions and paranoia. I'm having trouble regulating thoughts and emotions. What is real and what is in my head. my thoughts come and go in mid sentences. I talk to the voices in my head. I tell them to fuck off. Sometimes the lights look brighter than normal. things sound louder than normal. Stimulation overload. Schizophrenia or not I'm living hell inside my head.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby GearFetTwinkRomance » 14 November 2020, 15:35

Just wanted to say I am sorry you had been put through all this shit and violence, when you were a kid. No kid should have to go through this. Must have shattered your soul.
The Voices could be manifests of introjection, too.

I hope the venting works for you.
If ya want to hang with me, let's go windsurfing!

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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 14 November 2020, 16:22

GearFetTwinkRomance wrote:Just wanted to say I am sorry you had been put through all this shit and violence, when you were a kid. No kid should have to go through this. Must have shattered your soul.
The Voices could be manifests of introjection, too.

I hope the venting works for you.


Thanks... and it does. I'm not sure if I want to focus on trauma or with other mental health issues. it's like PTSD and Schizophrenia had merged and I don't know what to focus on... then there's self esteem and greef stuff I need to focus on too.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby PopTart » 14 November 2020, 17:41

I can't offer much advice erti, which is just aswell you aren't seeking any! :D I can only offer sympathy aswell, but if it helps to know that someone is reading whatever you write here, you can count me amongst those that are. :hug:
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 14 November 2020, 18:11

PopTart wrote:I can't offer much advice erti, which is just aswell you aren't seeking any! :D I can only offer sympathy aswell, but if it helps to know that someone is reading whatever you write here, you can count me amongst those that are. :hug:


Thank you! It does help. At night time here my mind wanders into thoughts of self pity, delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, thought blocking, here lately depression and anxiety.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 15 November 2020, 01:51

Sometimes it feels like there's no other ending than death. I feel like I'm being pressured into things that I don't want to do to avoid arguments... I can't tell people no. I'm too much of a people pleaser. It's my fault for not saying no.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 15 November 2020, 23:21

in a panic attack with my voices. Listening to music... It's calming down. I hope I'll be alright tonight.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby Eos » 16 November 2020, 06:54

erti wrote:Sometimes it feels like there's no other ending than death. I feel like I'm being pressured into things that I don't want to do to avoid arguments... I can't tell people no. I'm too much of a people pleaser. It's my fault for not saying no.

Do you have some examples you're thinking of when writing this ?
I don't know which people you're talking about. Maybe you don't have to please them without consequences. Maybe you do and should look for independence.
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 16 November 2020, 16:40

Eos wrote:
erti wrote:Sometimes it feels like there's no other ending than death. I feel like I'm being pressured into things that I don't want to do to avoid arguments... I can't tell people no. I'm too much of a people pleaser. It's my fault for not saying no.

Do you have some examples you're thinking of when writing this ?
I don't know which people you're talking about. Maybe you don't have to please them without consequences. Maybe you do and should look for independence.


Mainly lending people money without asking it back in return... Avoiding relationships with my friends friends who seem to take an interest in me.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby Eos » 16 November 2020, 16:56

I know it's easier said than done, but with some work you should be able to stop lending money to too much people. I understand how it can be difficult. But it is not your responsibility. If you are not interested in meeting your friend's friends then you can just tell them without hard feeling, I'm sure good people would understand that you're simply not feeling like it.
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 17 November 2020, 03:37

I'm crazy... but I didn't choose to be...? does anyone even choose to be crazy? Crazy for me is seeing demons, dead children, gods/goddesses, shadow, and random smoke in the air. lights get brighter... I smell rotting flesh, voices of spirits telling me that I should sacrifice myself to the greater good. I'm fighting a battle that is never ending. It's scary... One moment I'm ok and the next moment I'm plagued with these demons and spirits. I'm destined for hell they say. I need to sacrifice myself. I take 7 pills in the morning, 3 pills at 2pm, and 8 pills at night time. I take them no matter how poisonous they are. A desperate way in hopes pills work. DO they work? I'm not quite sure.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby Eos » 17 November 2020, 07:17

It is true that it can be annoying to be always taking meds. Sometimes they make you feel sick than actually better, especially if you're used to taking them. I remembered feeling much better when I stopped taking them a long time ago. It might not be wise in your situation though, I don't know how it can affect you. You might need them to be able to focus on yourself.
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby erti » 17 November 2020, 18:12

Eos wrote:It is true that it can be annoying to be always taking meds. Sometimes they make you feel sick than actually better, especially if you're used to taking them. I remembered feeling much better when I stopped taking them a long time ago. It might not be wise in your situation though, I don't know how it can affect you. You might need them to be able to focus on yourself.


Finding g the right meds is half the battle. Then the other half is therapy and support from friends and family. I’m not crazy or am I? We’re all a little mad here - Cheshire (Alice in wonderland)
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke
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Re: Late night thoughts

Unread postby Marmaduke » 17 November 2020, 18:33

Fictional cats are not sources of quotes to live by, regardless of whether or not they’re grinning.
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