LONG POST- I like my cousin's husband

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LONG POST- I like my cousin's husband

Unread postby Gavstar79 » 7 November 2022, 18:47

I recently professed my feelings to my cousin (girl)'s straight husband Miles.

Miles knows I'm gay and has been very open and welcoming about it. In fact, when we are hanging out and drinking, he likes to ask me all so sorts of questions about my lifestyle and even makes gay jokes towards me (which I have no issue with - it's fun actually).

He's not gay but I think he enjoys the attention I give him.

I began developing feelings for him these past 4 years (I've known him for 14 years total) and yes I would flirt with him here and there.
We went to a Bachelors party last March and during that trip, on 3 occasions when there was no one else around, Miles came and sat beside me, and put his arm around me. I pulled into him and began playing with his knee cap and leg - in all 3 instances and never did he turn away. I even tickled his feet, putting my fingers down his sock. As soon as people came into the room we stopped.

That's as far as it went.

Afterwards we would text and I'd throw some flirts here and there - commenting on how cute he was etc.

Anyway this past summer we had a problem. He invited me to his place to spend a week. When I got there, he mentioned he also invited a family friend -Allan (who I know as well from years back) to also spend some time and bring with him a girl he was "talking to". (The girl happens to be family with Miles & his wife, so they are trying to hook Alan up with her).

Unfortunately, I had 2 jealous outbursts on Miles during my trip and I am not proud of it.
The first occurred when Miles myself , Alan and the girl went to a bar one night......Miles was telling me how Alan and the girl should date etc. Anyway, Alan said lots of girls watch him and Miles made a joke to Alan "I watch you too!". And they all laughed.
I got upset at that comment, I said , "What? What do you mean you watch him? What about me?" And I Miles replied "joked backed that I don't exist and laughed". I stormed out of the bar and he ran outside to ask me what's wrong....I asked him why he would say that, and he said - he was just joking and he how I should know he kids around alot (in fairness Miles always makes jokes - he is the comedian in the family).

We returned home and him and I still kinda were arguing...I essentially asked him why Alan is here and that had I known he was going to be here also, I wouldn't have come. Our original plan was to have me stay here - not Alan. They replied that they thought bringing Alan would be fun b/c he would add to the entertainment and they didn't want me to be bored. Alan is a very arrogant and conceited person and frankly rubs me the wrong way. Would it be fair to say I am jealous of him? I guess yes.

The next morning, Miles was very cool and sweet with me. I was in the backyard chilling at the pool and he came out with breakfast for me. We kinda spent the day hanging out , driving around and getting stuff at the store as we were having a pool party on the Saturday. I wanted to bring stuff up during the day with Miles, but didn't...I kinda just wanted it to fester off. I was still upset about Alan being around but kept my cool.

That night we all went downtown to a club and had a great time. When we got back home , we were hanging out in the basement. Miles is a DJ and began playing music in the basement and we drank and danced - myself , a few cousins , Alan and the girl. As the night progressed people started to knock off to sleep and Miles, Alan and I were left.......at this point everyone was drunk. I was about to call it a night for me, when Miles took his shirt off and I think ( I can't exactly remember) I said something along the lines of "Oh , you wait for me to go upstairs and then you decide to take your shirt off?!" I also may have kinda touched his waist or something...

...it was then where Miles flipped out. He yelled at me that "I'm not gay!!!!" and told me to get out of his house..he was very aggressive and got in my face. He didn't hit me, but I can't recall if I was slightly pushed. I was hurt, but I packed my bags and left.....I woke my other cousin up and we left....on a 1.5 hr drive back to their place.

Let me add that I live in Canada, and was visiting Miles in US.

The next morning, Miles called my cousin and asked him to bring me back to their place...my cousin said he'd only do it if I wanted to. Miles then called me and asked me to come back. I asked him why he kicked me out! He said "We'll address that when you come back". I told him I wanna speak to him alone when I come. He said cool.

So I went back- day of the pool of the party. Miles and I went to go to talk in the car out front where no one could here.

It was there I decided to finally profess my feelings. I told him that I have feelings for him and its been developing and that's why I lashed out on him twice. Miles was shocked and didn't know I felt this way ( a point I question b/c honestly I gave him hints all this year ! Either his is very oblivious or really did know but was just playing dumb). Nonetheless, he said its never gonna happen and how I need to get this stuff taken care of....talk to someone when I go back to Canada and get help to overcome this. He also apologized for asking me to leave, he said he was drunk and shouldn't have done that. I totally forgave him for that..I know he didnt mean it.

He asked me if we are cool - twice, and I said yea we cool now.

We went back to the pool party.

At the end of the pool party, I decided to leave Miles place for good and go to my cousins place and spend the remainder of my trip there and from there go back to Canada...so this was the last I'd see Miles and family.

I went to say bye to him and he didn't even look at me as I shook his hand. He was upset I was leaving but it didn't register.
Next evening I texted him to see if he and his family would wanna drive down 1.5 hrs to come have dinner with my cousins and I before I left. However Miles IGNORED my text and didn't reply.

I returned home to Canada the next day and still no text from Miles to see if got home safe or anything. His wife did reach out though.

I gave it a few days to let things cool off and finally texted miles a LONGER text.....essentially thanking him for all he did, acknowledging that I know he's upset and even telling him he doesn't have to reply to this text, in fact don't - but at least hear me out and I'll leave him alone. I told him I never wanted to leave his house that day, just that I thought you may not be comfortable with me there anymore. I realized in retrospect I was wrong. I apologized for leaving pre-maturely.
I also told him there are things I need to work on and I will! I told him,, of all my cousins- he is my favourite and always will be.

Miles replied with the following response:

"Hey thanks for coming to visit. It didn't go as planned but I think we both learnt a lesson. I'm very sorry we didn't get to complete the week planned but I believe everything happens for a reason. I am willing to move forward as long as you are willing to do the same. Life happens and we learnt and move on!............always a blast hanging with my Canadian family and I hope it continues to be the same. Until next time, Miles aka the fav cousin!"

I responded how I wanted to still do so much at their place and that yes I am willing to move forward b/c I don't want to lose our connection. We then texted regularly about life and then the convo ended.

I initiated a new fresh convo a few days later and we would chat normally.....and then that convo ended.

2 weeks later I initiated a new fresh convo letting him know I am coming back to America on a road trip with some friends..I asked him if he'll be in town next week and if so I'll pop by to say hello and maybe spend the night. He said sure - to come and that more the merrier. I told him I'd come but leave Sunday morning to return home........I told him I can't make it to our mutual cousin's baby shower ( that same weekend was my cousins baby shower). Miles replied "There's no such thing as can't, you don't want to"

Basically he was implying that I could make it to our cousins shower Sunday afternoon but that I chose not to b/c I didn't want to!

And that was not true, of course I would want to attend if I could - (the reason I couldn't is b/c my friends wanted to head back to Canada early Sunday). Anyway I ignored Miles comment b/c I didn't wanna risk an argument and brushed it off.

The next morning Miles replied that unfortunately it turns out they won't be home that weekend after all.

So I said 'no problem. all good -I understand".

I wasn't upset , b/c it was last minute and I can appreciate if they aren't free.

It turns out I was able to make it to my cousins shower b/c my friends were flexible. I showed up at the shower and surprised Miles who was totally shocked to see me. I made it a point however not to hover around Miles too much. I gave him his space and I hung out with my other family. Miles dj'd the baby shower and was busy playing music anyway.....

We were getting ready to leave and my friend went to say bye to him and Miles said to my friend he's going to play MY favourite song. A few minutes later I now went up to Miles to say bye to him and he said " I'm gonna play your song". And he played it for me....so of course I had to stay back from that.

It was a very sweet gesture. After the song, I then went and said bye to him and he said "cool....we'll talk".

And I left.

A week later - no contact. It was his birthday though the following Saturday and I ended up sending him 3 texts that weekend:
Text 1: Was at 12:22 just after midnight a simply quick "Happy Birthday!"
Text 2: Was at like 9pm later that night and I simply sent him HIS favourite song this time (as it was common for him and I to send each other music files over the years) . He didn't reply to that one.

Text 3: Was the following day where I asked him how the birthday was and that I went up north for the weekend to hang with friends. He replied with 4 short words "It was good. Nicee enjoy"

I replied, "Ah cool - , thanks so much!

That was around September 27th time.

Since then I have not messaged him and nor has he. Since getting back to Canada after my Summer trip, after the argument - as you'll see above we did text but I was the one always initiating the convos.

Thoughts on all of this? I don't know what to do and what this means. Despite him saying he is willing to move forward, it seems to me that he just wants to avoid me? Forever?

To be clear, I am not interested in pursuing Miles anymore. He's not str8, he's family and he's not mine to have. I realize all this is not worth the stress and pain. I do however miss my cousin relationship and that's what I hope to get back. But I fear I've lost that now. I don't hear from him anymore unless I send a message. There were times when he would initiate messages.
It hurts b/c he will however message my brothers but I'm being left out.

I know I was wrong this summer and it's his right to message or not message anyone. But we've had 14 years of times as family and this 1 incident mess things. up.

I was thinking to maybe give it a few months and message him on New Years Eve - would that make sense?
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Re: LONG POST- I like my cousin's husband

Unread postby Marmaduke » 7 November 2022, 19:13

Consistently, I will tell people on here not to pursue romantic feelings with acquaintances they’d be upset to lose from their lives. I give that advice because this happens. Once you cross that line, once you make it uncomfortable for someone, especially in a family context, there’s no putting the pin back in the grenade. You’ve blown this relationship up.

You’re an adult, how you thought flirting with your cousin’s husband was a good idea beggars belief. Why you thought professing your love for your cousin’s husband after he had already ejected you from his home to the angry exclaimation “I’m not gay!” was a good plan is a full order of magnitude more baffling.

I would imagine your cousin’s marriage has a good degree of communication in it, and it’s more than likely that they are well aware you tried to seduce their husband and - quite fairly - side with him in finding your continued presence uncomfortable and unwelcome.

Move on. Live with the situation as you’ve made it. You’ve fucked this up enough, let’s not make it worse.
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Re: LONG POST- I like my cousin's husband

Unread postby Gavstar79 » 7 November 2022, 23:06

I understand. I made mistakes which I've owned up to. I'm not proud of them....and I've made a commitment to do better . We had 14 years of good times, and something got a hold of me this year and I made a mistake. My hope is there is space for forgiveness and a re-set of boundaries - hopefully a reconciliation one day after some time and space have passed. I have been no contact for over a month in an effort to respectfully give that space and time.
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Re: LONG POST- I like my cousin's husband

Unread postby Marmaduke » 7 November 2022, 23:18

You say “we had 14 years of good times” as if it’s the source of hope in this cautionary tale. It isn’t. It’s the dead weight stopping things moving. It’s the anchor.

You’re not owed forgiveness for the sake of the 14 years you didn’t do a terrible thing. The terrible thing is made terrible mostly because in doing it you showed that you put your own selfish urges ahead of that 14 years. That 14 years meant nothing to you when it stood in the way of you getting what you wanted.

You might get forgiveness if you’re lucky, but I don’t see that you have any business hoping for it, or planning any way at any point down the line of making things work. It’s not up to you anymore. Not at all. It’s going to take a lot longer than 4 weeks of quiet. I can’t believe how naive you are.

You need to start getting to grips with the idea that you’ve dropped the priceless vase and it’s smashed into a million pieces. You didn’t need to touch it. Nobody knows what you were thinking going near it. It’s not going to un-smash itself because you said sorry and told it you really enjoyed it for the 14 years before you broke it.
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Re: LONG POST- I like my cousin's husband

Unread postby Gavstar79 » 7 November 2022, 23:45

Thanks..I never said I was expecting anything from him in 4 weeks though. Just that I've been giving him his space for 4 weeks thus far and will continue to do so....
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Re: LONG POST- I like my cousin's husband

Unread postby Marmaduke » 8 November 2022, 00:10

No, you said you were thinking about texting him and looking for guidance on how long to wait. Do not. Leave the man alone.
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