Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

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Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby Bellesedai » 1 July 2021, 14:00

I'm a 33 year old NB with a uterus and some nice eggs I'd like to contribute to the cause of helping a nice gay couple become parents.

Surrogacy is generally a very expensive process. I have my own reasons for wanting to do this but I'm not eligible to be a surrogate through an agency because I haven't had a child before (and I don't want to have/raise any myself) but I'd like to pass on my genetics and set a child up with a good loving family. I'm not looking for any payment for such, beyond the medical and legal costs being covered.

I have no idea where to even begin looking for a couple who would be interested in this, but this seemed like as good a place as any!
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby Brenden » 1 July 2021, 16:06

What makes your genes particularly special and deserving of being passed on?

There are thousands of orphaned, abandoned, and taken-away children across the United States. Perhaps a gay couple desirous of the experience of children might want to consider adopting one.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby Bellesedai » 1 July 2021, 17:18

Sure. Some gay couples will choose adoption. Others want a child that belongs to one or the other of them genetically.

Why my genetics? Because I've had genetic testing done and have very little in the way of potentially deleterious genetics. I have good teeth. I have a high IQ and a neuroscience degree. I am a talented writer, a decent musician with the ability to match musical pitch, and have the genetics for the muscle composition of an elite power athlete. So a kid could do a lot worse.

Yes there are plenty of children needing adoption or fostering. And yet many people still choose to have children with their own genetics. Do you think gay men should automatically decide to raise children with no genetic relation to them?

At the end of the day this isn't for everyone. It's for a very specific type of couple. Yes there are many other options. But if you're not interested, maybe just move along instead of judging.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby Brenden » 1 July 2021, 17:30

Bellesedai wrote:Sure. Some gay couples will choose adoption. Others want a child that belongs to one or the other of them genetically.

Humans don't belong to other humans.

Bellesedai wrote:Yes there are plenty of children needing adoption or fostering. And yet many people still choose to have children with their own genetics. Do you think gay men should automatically decide to raise children with no genetic relation to them?

Well I don't really think any conscious beings should be brought into existence without their consent. Since it is impossible for them to consent, I believe it is unethical to intentionally create them.

Bellesedai wrote:At the end of the day this isn't for everyone. It's for a very specific type of couple. Yes there are many other options. But if you're not interested, maybe just move along instead of judging.

Judging is what I do.

You shouldn't expect to escape my judgement and criticism when you post without permission what amounts to a classified advertisement on this forum. ;)
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby Bellesedai » 1 July 2021, 17:41

You know what they say. Opinions are like assholes.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby Eos » 1 July 2021, 19:14

Omg this thread is going well.
The author just wanted some help to see what she can do to achieve this. It's not a matter of it's right or not.

And it's definitely not an ad.

Adopting is completely different. It cost a lot more time, and you're not even sure about finding a child in the end. And there has been cases of discrimination against gay couples.

Anyway, I don't really know what you can do, maybe find some associations where you could talk about it ? Perhaps simply meet gay folks ?

Also I don't think you should bring what's good about your genetics, I personally think it is irrelevant. Even if it changed anything there is always 2 people in the process and we never know how it ends up.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby Brenden » 1 July 2021, 19:50

Eos wrote:Adopting is completely different. It cost a lot more time, and you're not even sure about finding a child in the end.

If procreating cost as much time and effort maybe society wouldn't have as many problems as it does.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby Eryx » 1 July 2021, 20:36

What's the big deal about letting another person be a surrogate? It's a private deal. If you don't like the idea that's fine but I honestly don't think this is the place to air it out :shrug:

@OP, I think it's really cool that you're willing to do it for another couple. I'd take you up on the offer in maybe 5 years and if you were closer to here hahahah hope you find a nice couple to go through this adventure with you!
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby PopTart » 2 July 2021, 17:16

I'm with Eryx.

What a lovely idea.

I'd be reluctant to adopt. There seems to be alot of difficulties involved and in the UK atleast, there is a rising number of failed adoptions, with adopted children, often returning to their natural born parents, inspite of the limitations the law and adoption agencies put into place, to prevent such from happening, where doing so is appropriate.

I would also want a child to have some genetic relation to myself.

I wish you luck and success in your endeavoue Belle, but would suggest, that perhaps, this forum isn't likely to be the best place to canvas.

You could look into reaching out to your local gay community, via social groups and the like. Might involve some legwork, but if your determined.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 2 July 2021, 18:19

Bellesedai wrote:At the end of the day this isn't for everyone. It's for a very specific type of couple. Yes there are many other options. But if you're not interested, maybe just move along instead of judging.

I’m sure you didn’t like his answer, but it’s a legitimate point to raise. Your response was basically that you think you’re awesome and have the desire to see yourself in your offspring. Sorry but that’s not a really compelling response. Just because you can bring life into the world doesn’t mean you should. This isn’t just some random free choice in a vacuum; this is a potential life we talking about.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby PopTart » 2 July 2021, 19:16

poolerboy0077 wrote:
Bellesedai wrote:At the end of the day this isn't for everyone. It's for a very specific type of couple. Yes there are many other options. But if you're not interested, maybe just move along instead of judging.

I’m sure you didn’t like his answer, but it’s a legitimate point to raise. Your response was basically that you think you’re awesome and have the desire to see yourself in your offspring. Sorry but that’s not a really compelling response. Just because you can bring life into the world doesn’t mean you should. This isn’t just some random free choice in a vacuum; this is a potential life we talking about.

So, self assurance and a desire to propagate your genetic legacy, are bad?

I'm pretty sure that, if life has any kind of purpose, that is the bare minimum we can say with some certainty, it is about, surely?

I get that some people might balk at the "yay me" tone but does that detract from wanting to have something lasting of oneself, live on in the world beyond oneself?

Why should there be more reason than that?

I can totally see the OP listing her virtues (real or imagined, accurate or inflated) as a response to what is admittedly, a hostile reply. Who goes around asking people to justify their worthiness to procreate?

I might feel the need to big up my genetic credentials, when someone is demanding I justify my "as yet unconcieved" offsprings right to exist. :shrug:
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby Bellesedai » 2 July 2021, 19:55

If this were some random free choice in a vacuum, I'd go out to a bar, get any random dude in that bar to knock me up, carry to term, then give the baby up for adoption. It wouldn't be overly difficult. It would require zero thought or advanced planning. People do it all the time.

Instead, I'd like to help a gay couple that want
children that have a genetic relationship to them get a leg up on a process that is expensive and stacked against them because of systemic bias. That's actually a pretty thoughtful way to go about resolving a dilemma that others take the easy/thoughtless way out of, whether consciously or unconsciously. There are people who want children who require the contribution of eggs and the borrowing of a uterus to do it. It's still not a free process. It still isn't an easy process. No matter how you do it, when you're doing it intentionally it requires some effort to do it right.

All I'm saying is you'll never find someone criticizing a man for ejaculating into a cup and then letting others do whatever they want with it. I'm at least trying to be a little purposeful about where my donation of progeny gets placed. With someone who is likely to face higher barriers than others to have a child of their own and who isn't likely to choose to bring a child into their life unless they *really* want to be a parent.

There are plenty of other ways to go about it. I'm far from the only person in this world who desires the same. But I'm at least putting some effort into being thoughtful and ethical about it.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby PopTart » 2 July 2021, 21:17

The fact is, you shouldn't have to justify yourself.

Goodluck in your admirable and perfectly legitimate goal.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 3 July 2021, 15:26

PopTart wrote:So, self assurance and a desire to propagate your genetic legacy, are bad?

It isn’t that the attitudes are bad. Those are innate human qualities. What’s unjustified here is propagating your “genetic legacy.”

PopTart wrote:Why should there be more reason than that?

Because bringing life into the world isn’t some neutral act. It’s unjustified to will a person’s existence without their consent (which is impossible to do beforehand) given the inescapable costs to it.

Bellesedai wrote:If this were some random free choice in a vacuum, I'd go out to a bar, get any random dude in that bar to knock me up, carry to term, then give the baby up for adoption. It wouldn't be overly difficult. It would require zero thought or advanced planning. People do it all the time.

There are plenty of other ways to go about it. I'm far from the only person in this world who desires the same. But I'm at least putting some effort into being thoughtful and ethical about it.

Okay, let me be clearer because the initial criticism seems to be taken in a completely different direction. The point here isn’t to make you feel bad for having a desire to pass on your genes and it’s perfectly true that you’re in the majority when you express these sentiments and that, moreover, you’re giving it some consideration in comparison to others. No, the point is that bringing life into the world carries enormous costs that are not offset by listing ones desires to have one. These costs are shouldered by both the life itself in potential suffering and the environment and society. There is already existing life ready for adoption if you feel the need to help. There’s no reason why anyone, man or woman, should be contemplating bringing life into the world without a compelling reason—a reason which I find very unlikely to exist. There’s no need for it’s creation other than the stubborn insistence of realizing one’s innate desires. So the criticism isn’t the manner in which you feel compelled to bring life, it’s the very act itself.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby PopTart » 3 July 2021, 15:54

So, life is harsh and brutal so people should stop having children? That is one of the most retarded arguments I have ever heard.

Thank goodness our ancestors didn't make that ridiculous choice. Or none of us would be here. Because people think they have suffering now?

What a load of self indulgent, overly privileged, existential bullshit.

This is why humanity can't have nice things.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby pozboro » 3 July 2021, 21:17

PopTart wrote:So, life is harsh and brutal so people should stop having children? That is one of the most retarded arguments I have ever heard.

Thank goodness our ancestors didn't make that ridiculous choice. Or none of us would be here. Because people think they have suffering now?

What a load of self indulgent, overly privileged, existential bullshit.

This is why humanity can't have nice things.


are you familiar with the anti-natalist movement or anti-natalism? I actually stumbled across it a couple years back when I read about an Indian man trying to find a court that would accept his lawsuit against his parents for bringing him into the world. Never heard that he found a court willing to take up the case - I might be phrasing things badly since I'm not at all knowledgeable how the legal system works in India. BTW, both his parents were working barristers or something like that.

Anyway, it got me curious about this relatively new (to me) movement and I did some reading. Not sure I can put my feelings onto an agree-disagree spectrum, but it got me thinking about the programming I've received relative to birth and life. Like so many things in our lives, they are social constructs and we have social constructs around birth and life as well. Take the social construct around monogamous coupling: for the gay community, it's much easier to question this social construct since we've undermined one of it's basic tenets - that such a relationship requires and can only be successful if it has a man and a woman.

And beyond that, now that the biological mechanism has been short-circuited by an unusual pairing, it's only natural to question another tenet, that of bringing off-spring into the world. I don't see such discussion as prima facie offensive since much like religion or political belief, this is a highly personal decision people have to, and should be allowed to, make for themselves.

I've mostly avoided this discussion for a number of reasons, but since I don't have a dog in this fight, I just wanted to point out that there is logic and emotion - which is just as valid and thoughtful - on different sides of the discussion.

I will say our current trend of an ever-increasing population is creating problems and if one believes more people = more problems then it's only natural to question if we need more babies. ;)
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby PopTart » 3 July 2021, 22:07

Yes, I've heard of Anti-natalism too.

Stupidity in short.

Birth, life and death, are not social constructs, they are, without doubt, clear, biological functions. Procreation is not a social construct. Biology is not a social construct.

The makeup of a family unit, is a social construct, but that isn't the point here. It's the idea that someone should feel they are entitled to procreate.

I don't buy into the idea that we face planetary overpopulation. The earth, could potentially sustain a population in the trillions, if we lived our lives more efficiently.

That we don't, isnt grounds for ending the species after the current generation.

Castigating people for wanting biological children, citing existential mumbo jumbo, seems selfish. After all, we are here. We got lucky. Had we not, we wouldn't be here to talk about it and I don't know about you, but I think existing is a damn sight preferable to the alternative.

Ofcourse, plenty of people might disagree. That's why the word suicide exists. But it seems to me, those that are so opposed to procreation, seem to object when the one doing the not existing is, you know, someone else.

Bet they wouldn't be so quick to volunteer to sacrifice themselves for sake of the planet/society/high minded concepts.

The OP wants to leave something of herself for the future, that's the biology part. She doesn't want the social construct part. She would be happy to give those who don't have the chance to procreate naturally, the chance to do so.

For that, she has been judged and a demand has been made, to justify her right to procreate.

I think that says alot about the people making the demand.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby Bellesedai » 3 July 2021, 22:32

My outlook on it is this:

I don't think the world is going to get better through purely accidental procreation that leaves children in the hands of people who aren't responsible enough to be parents.

The more people who find ways to forge intentional families, genetically related or otherwise, the better.

Do you judge men who provide semen to lesbian couples who want a baby this hard? If not, why? Certainly they are at least in part operating from the same desire.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby pozboro » 4 July 2021, 03:01

I'm not judging anyone - just sharing a differing viewpoint.
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Re: Looking for a gay couple who want to be parents

Unread postby pozboro » 4 July 2021, 03:09

PopTart wrote:Yes, I've heard of Anti-natalism too.

Stupidity in short.

Birth, life and death, are not social constructs, they are, without doubt, clear, biological functions. Procreation is not a social construct. Biology is not a social construct.


No, but viewing life and birth as "a gift" ARE social constructs.

And simply writing off a viewpoint as "stupid" is well, pretty much just that.

However, I thought @Brenden's tone a bit harsh, but hey, this is the Internet and when one puts something out there, one has to be prepared for a harsh retort.
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