mental health awareness

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mental health awareness

Unread postby Iamjava » 2 June 2019, 06:29

"clarity of mind helps one to better understand their flaws." - me, 2019

at my first volunteer meeting for the us forrest service in april, i was made aware that may was mental health awareness month.

i want everyone to know that mental illness is not limited to the serious disorders. stress, depression and anxiety are also conditions people should be aware of. know the symptoms and seek help if you experience it.

_____


i dont claim to be a story writer. so ill try to make sense of mine. (there is a gap in time. there are parts that have been omitted.)

my first experience with mental illness started at the age of 13. my dad had lost his great paying job, and our family had begun to crumble. my parents argued a lot. since my brother is a natural suck up, i started catching the blame for everything.

i guess it started taking a toll, because i started suffering from depression. at 14 i finaly had enough. it was my first of 3 suicide attempts in 10 years. (i was never hospitalized--i only told someone of an attempt once, a month after.)

the depression continued, and in my mid to late teens, my energy began ramping up and i started being plagued by insomnia. imagine going weeks at a time with little to no sleep. for me, i barely felt fatigued for the most part.

by this time my school grades and attendancd were in the tank. my parents thought i was just being rebellious, so i got punished but never saw a doctor about it. (therapists later blamed the childhood sexual abuse plus the bipolar disorder.)

at 17 i finally asked my doctor about the depression, but the wellbutrin didnt help much. besides, there were a lot of times that i felt just fine. i mean, the insomnia didnt suck. video games all day everyday? what kid wouldnt want that?

i ended up being diagnosed with bipolar disorder in jail at 19. the mania had, unknowingly, finaly had consequences. a front page article in the paper featured bipolar disorder. i couldnt believe it.. it sounded like my life at that point.

i saw the jail psychiatrist, was prescribed meds that worked. my moods stabalized (by that i mean extreme energy and depression were less extreme) and i began feeling normal. that said, it wasnt a cure.

people with bipolar disorder are notorious for not taking their meds, and im certainly that way. its the mania. it feels so damn good! it feels like you can do anything! when i work out i can do twice the execises; when i drink, i can drink harder, etc. and then you crash.

at 22 and 23 i crashed. hard. it was the lack of a relationship. i tried suicide again. ironicly it was a quack psychiatrist that taught me what i did wrong the first two times. (that bitch also caused me to severely mistrust psychiatrists..)

now in my 20s, my wonderful illness has expanded to psychosis and the occasional hallucination that seems to grow slowly in frequency.

thats my story, such as it is. one last fact before im done: bipolar disorder, more often than not, is originally diagnosed as depression. the mania is so very often overlooked.

thanks.
Last edited by Iamjava on 2 June 2019, 17:37, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby erti » 2 June 2019, 16:19

I've been in and out of hospitals over 20 times in the last 10 years. It was my senior year of high school I went to the hospital for cutting. Was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and PTSD at the time. BPD was mainly because I was cutting but the only reason I was cutting was because spirits told me to. I managed to graduate high school and started my first job at a retail store. Even though I sucked at my job and was consistently absent from work due to hospital stays. During those stays I was diagnosed with depression with psychosis and PTSD. I then I saw a therapist who brought up the S word (schizophrenia) and that was all it came to. Despite the schizophrenia being brought up I was diagnosed with many things before that became the main diagnosis. Ruled out Borderline. Possible mood disorder... possibly schizoaffective. It all depends on the doctor at the time.

Eventually I moved an hour and a half away in a different city in Ohio to an art school. Stress got the better of me. I quit my job and stopped going to school and left my dorm/apartment in the middle of a winter night because spirits were telling me that someone was out to torture and kill me. So I ran off into 10F weather snowing. Had to been out there for 3 hours and I walked about 5 miles and with my luck and gods grace I passed a hospital while walking in the middle of the night. I was cold and nothing was open so I walked in. I came up to the lady at the desk and she asked why I was there. I told her I was confused. I told her I was confused and they took my vitals but they could't take my temperature because I was that cold. Long story short I was sent to a hospital near by and spent two weeks in there until they released me to a homeless shelter. I had no money to pay for my prescriptions

After a restless night with the spirits the people at the homeless shelter gave me a bus pass to the hospital to find a way to get my meds. I almost ended up back in the hospital again at the time but told them I didn't need it and that I just needed my medication. They ended up writing me a prescription to a cheaper antipsychotic which I had no money to pay for to began with and sent me on my way. After a couple days my boyfriend at the time threaten to break up with me if I didn't move back to Columbus with him. So I moved my happy ass back to columbus. I eventually made it to a clinic with a sliding scale which gave me free samples on psych medication and a counselor. I eventually got on medicaid and ssi after moving back in with my mom.

After moving in with my mom I ended up moving back in with my dad. After a hospital stay that lasted 3 weeks I moved back in with my mom. I'm now living with my mom. I've had many hospital stays. All have said the same thing... schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder bipolar/depressive type and PTSD and lets throw in personality disorder not otherwise specified for shits and giggles. Tried multiple psych meds and still nothing's helping. Still struggle day to day. Some days I'm "delusional" and "hallucinating" and in denial about my illness... other days I have some insight. Right now I'm ok but ask me later I have none and things get worse.
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby Iamjava » 2 June 2019, 16:45

thanks for sharing! its just so hard.. all of it. and i agree with you. when the mania hits me, its so easy to toss the meds (like i did this week.)

im going to reconstruct my first post. now that im a bit more clear, and having seen ertis post, i know i can do better than the shit i posted..
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby Eryx » 3 June 2019, 03:29

I'm so sorry you've got those cards thrown at you, Erti. You're a wonderful person and you don't deserve any of it.

I guess this is why I like being so skeptical. My one and only attempt at suicide was so clinical that I don't think of ever getting there again. I looked at the wall and thought, "Okay, I better get out of this god-forsaken town or die today. Do I have the guts to write an e-mail to my parents? If not, do I have the guts to hang myself with the rope on the backyard?" And then I began wondering about the after. I don't think there's anything. I don't think there are spirits. I would simply lose my only chance to be alive, a living colony of cells made out of atoms, and my journey would be over while the rest of the world keeps strutting.

I couldn't do it. It's just that black and white. And that's what I use to remind myself of reality when depression starts clawing at me. I tell myself, "I am sick. This is temporary. Tomorrow is a new day..." and all those cliches. Most of the time it works. But everyone's different, so I don't expect such a tongue-in-cheek story to revolutionize your life and make it all different. Because I can't even imagine the thing's you've gone through. And you shouldn't have.
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby Derek » 3 June 2019, 05:05

Iamjava wrote:i want everyone to know that mental illness is not limited to the serious disorders. stress, depression and anxiety are also conditions people should be aware of. know the symptoms and seek help if you experience it.

Doesn't literally everyone experience stress and anxiety? If I met someone who didn't, I'd try to have them committed.
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby Iamjava » 3 June 2019, 05:22

everyone does. not everyone understands it well enough. did you know there is good and bad stress? did you know that, if untreated, stress will literally kill?

my brother is a great example. at the ripe age of 30, he started having major heart issues. why?

while attending college to become an accountant, he was working 50+ hours a week stocking for publix. he worked with the kids at church and volunteered at the food bank. at 29 he moved to lakeland to work at publix corporate and signed up for every volunteer position he could at his new church.

this man that worked out often has been to the doctor 5 times in a year due to a stress-related heart condition.

the point is, these are simple issues with complications many are unaware about. which is exactly the reason they should be dealt with asap. does that mean seeing a therapist or doctor? no. it simply means being informed about the best methods of dealing with your issues as they arrise.
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby erti » 3 June 2019, 10:46

Eryx wrote:I'm so sorry you've got those cards thrown at you, Erti. You're a wonderful person and you don't deserve any of it.

I guess this is why I like being so skeptical. My one and only attempt at suicide was so clinical that I don't think of ever getting there again. I looked at the wall and thought, "Okay, I better get out of this god-forsaken town or die today. Do I have the guts to write an e-mail to my parents? If not, do I have the guts to hang myself with the rope on the backyard?" And then I began wondering about the after. I don't think there's anything. I don't think there are spirits. I would simply lose my only chance to be alive, a living colony of cells made out of atoms, and my journey would be over while the rest of the world keeps strutting.

I couldn't do it. It's just that black and white. And that's what I use to remind myself of reality when depression starts clawing at me. I tell myself, "I am sick. This is temporary. Tomorrow is a new day..." and all those cliches. Most of the time it works. But everyone's different, so I don't expect such a tongue-in-cheek story to revolutionize your life and make it all different. Because I can't even imagine the thing's you've gone through. And you shouldn't have.


Thanks Eryx, and I'm sorry you had the terrible feelings of suicide. It's hard and to get to the point where suicide seems to be the answer. I'm glad that your thinking has kept you out of attempting suicide. I've had quite a few attempts and it came to the point of not being able to go on any further with it and put down the guns, the rope, the pills, and the blade. I got scared so I stopped myself from going any further. Fear is why I'm still here today. I fear the pain it'll put be through before the end it is near. I fear the gunshot to the head would backfire and I'd be left alive with horrible disfigured head and brain damage due to the gunshot. the few minutes of asphyxiation if the rope didn't break my neck and kill me immediately. The side effects from overdosing on medication because that doesn't just kill you in your sleep like many tend to believe. Unnatural death is uncomfortable and painful and there's no guarantee that it'll kill you. At least that's what stop me from going to the point of killing myself.
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby Iamjava » 30 June 2019, 04:12

i had another psychotic break on friday. why do i have to deal with this fucking shit??
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby Koftruecross » 30 June 2019, 23:51

To Iamjava....I have already shared my experience of being hospitalized with schizophrenia. That being said I doubt if sharing my own experiences would be helpful to you.... Especially since he have different diagnoses. I have been around several bi polar people over the course of the last thirty years.. I cannot say anything to make the pain go away.. All I can say is don't give up.. I know that's easy for me to say.. My friend Mike gave up and he lost his wife as a result..
My aunt did not give up even though it took her about 15 years.. And she lost her husband as a result....Then she was able to rebuild the damage that had been done to her life.. And she found a new and better husband...When the the illness was at its worst I would have never imagined there would be any hope for her... And yet she totally turned her life around.. I will keep you in my prayers..
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby Iamjava » 1 July 2019, 02:09

thanks. im such a control freak over my body. its so wierd waking up and having someone tell me i did something i cant remember..
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby Eryx » 1 July 2019, 15:13

Iamjava wrote:i had another psychotic break on friday. why do i have to deal with this fucking shit??
Can I give you a call? Send me some contact info privately. I'd love to chat with you.
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby erti » 1 July 2019, 21:24

Iamjava wrote:thanks. im such a control freak over my body. its so wierd waking up and having someone tell me i did something i cant remember..


I've had that happen when I drank too much. Last I talk to you on the phone was when you were drinking. Drinking and mental health don't go great together. Especially the medication you're taking. Take care of yourself. I know coming from me it's hypocritical but it's the truth.
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Re: mental health awareness

Unread postby Iamjava » 1 July 2019, 22:53

its not the alcohol, trust me. it happens when i dont drink, just not as freaky. usualy its something as mundane as playing video games..
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