Out...but hiding.

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Out...but hiding.

Unread postby Disappearing » 2 September 2019, 03:19

My husband and I have been married for 5 and in relationship for 10 years. He is from another country where you can't “be out.” He can't be out to his parent, family or friends. He has always interacted with my gay and straight friends from my work, church, and from various stages of my life. Fortunately, I was able be out at work, partly because of my work environment and partly because of my mindset about who I am. I’m not a flamboyant gay, although I can be…lol, and my husband isn’t either.

We moved from the comfort of my/our family and friends and from a “Blue” to “Red” (hopefully purple soon) state. Being retired I volunteer on the average of 10 hours a week and am out to many people there. I didn’t make a general announcement but as I felt more comfortable with individuals, I interjected “my husband” into the conversation. So far, I can say, to my knowledge, all the people I told and interacted have absolutely “no problem” and often ask about and include “my husband.”

For 5 years, my husband has been calling his family and friends almost daily. He has traveled with friends and family here. When they would be in “our” town, he met them at their hotels or restaurants. We had to re-decorate for video phone calls. I cannot be his “friend” on FB. We could not post any photos online of our wedding. I must be super careful and selective for the few pictures I have put online about “us.” I appreciate and understand that he (we) have to be on the “down low” but now coupled with the fact that we have “no friends” to interact here and his family is talking about VISITING!

He recently took a part-time college course here. It consisted of working and employment seeking, men and women from 30 to 60 years old. Besides interacting in class, there many hours of out of class “project” time and lunches, dinner and entertainment time. Several times he drove my distinctive car to class and when classmates commented on it, his response was “it’s not my car.” But classmates knew about our 2 dogs…knew where we lived…knew where he immigrated from… and I’m sure other little tidbits we get from our interactions with people.

I knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t “come-out” to his parent and family and I didn’t ask or expect him too. I thought he might “come out” to selective friends someday. I daydreamed about “our” interactions with them…lol. And now we are talking about something ever more severe when family visits. I’m beginning to feel erased! Is this how I should feel?
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Re: Out...but hiding.

Unread postby NvM » 2 September 2019, 08:18

so it took 5-10 years for you to become erased?

FaceBook and things are really international. So if your husband is from that anti gay country best just white these things out of your lives?

-I agree with you he should be more out locally. Just after 5-10 years and he has not moved out of the closet maybe he never will will but pick your arguments. You might speak to him about accepting himself, think it starts there. I am not the most gayest person but some days you just have to wear that bright pink t-shirt to homeDepot to feel good about your self.
-Having been in a past straight marriage i will not now treat my husband any different than my wife.
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Re: Out...but hiding.

Unread postby Disappearing » 2 September 2019, 22:05

Thanks NvM for your response.
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Re: Out...but hiding.

Unread postby LonelyPince » 3 September 2019, 19:23

Wow... this feels so stressful for him and for you... Im worried if it also affects your marriage as well.... I would be extremely sad if something similar happened to me... I am a young man who havent had a relationship yet, I battle with my own 'demons' and I usually get so sensitive about anything, imagine if I was in your position..hahah.. I am so scared for my future; I live in a country that is not very gay friendly as well... I thought that older people might be more respected and cool with themselves but I guess homophobia affects everybody.
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Re: Out...but hiding.

Unread postby Disappearing » 3 September 2019, 22:33

Thanks doe sharing your thoughts with me.
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Re: Out...but hiding.

Unread postby mxguy01 » 3 September 2019, 23:52

I would have though you being together for so long would have resolved the "being out" issue between you two at this point. It sounds like it's really troubling you. Yes, I think you have a right to feel being erased. His being closeted is in ways being forced upon you. Sure, all well and good for his safety and comfort BUT what about you <- you have a right to ask this! Honestly his not going out and meeting friends, co-workers, etc is BS to me. I think this is especially true when you had have your own difficulties in the past with the "out" thing. I assume there are quite a few like me where going back to being so closeted is not in the cards. But those kinds of things you need to work out. Needs to be give in take on both sides and sounds like on this issue it's totally one sided and is effecting you. Say something and do something about it.
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Re: Out...but hiding.

Unread postby Disappearing » 4 September 2019, 03:33

mxguy01 Thanks for your reply. You know when we have talked about this his first and only response/solution is," Oh, I'm not making you happy ...I"m a burden to you...I'm not a good husband...I am a disappointment to you...we might as well end this," and that's not what I want or I am looking for either. So I will continue to try to discuss this with him.
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Re: Out...but hiding.

Unread postby mxguy01 » 4 September 2019, 04:14

First you do need to consider you. Do you need to live out? If it were me, I'd say absolutely. But like everything else there are degrees. Perhaps you can tolerate it if no other choice? At any rate do not allow yourself to become isolated (not see or have other friends) over this.

What I'm saying is you need to be prepared to let him know what your needs are too. They have to be met as well. Comments like you mentioned he says in response are only meant to defer/deflect the argument and that is BS IMO.

I'm like NvM thinking all this time and it's becoming an issue. To me that also says you've been keeping it suppressed for a while now making it all the worse.
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Re: Out...but hiding.

Unread postby Jryski » 4 September 2019, 23:33

One thing I can't help but mentioning, he is no longer in his country. It's like he left but brought his country with him and is almost in a sense forcing you to live in it with him. You're his husband and you're his main family now. I think it's about time you have a serious talk with him about this. None of that boo hoo hoo I'm a terrible husband shit either. He is an adult and needs to be able to have a serious conversation in a mature way without resorting to manipulation.
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PostThis post was deleted by NvM on 5 September 2019, 14:35.

Re: Out...but hiding.

Unread postby Disappearing » 6 September 2019, 23:07

Thank you jruski, my thoughts exactly!
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