Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Talk about anything and everything.

Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Retroman76 » 14 April 2019, 16:49

From most any of my past postings, one can surmise that I am not, by and large, a very likable person. That's because I show my truest, ugliest colors here, because I have nothing to prove or gain here...except maybe, occasionally, a wailing cyberwall.

But as we all know, those colors do not change when covered. They remain there, unappealing and unflattering, until the candy coating--so to speak-- inevitably cracks or gets licked off--so to speak--and there's nothing left concealing them.

Everyone has a few ugly colors in their personal palette. I have two extremes: very vibrant, beautiful colors and hideously dark hues. There's really no middle ground. And in prior messages, I've expounded upon that.

I know that for a whole laundry list of reasons previously noted how unlikely I am to ever attract a long-term partner. Middle age alone is first and foremost, and really the only necessary one. Gay is a young man's game, and I stopped being young twenty years ago.

So, intellectually, I have accepted this, along with the possibility that I will always be alone...and that I am probably better off for it. As is an untold number of prospects.

But how do you narcotize your emotions? How do you put them to sleep as you would a suffering pet, and stoically rise to meet the rest of your life without the pain of "getting sentimental" in weak moments?

Case in point: the other day, I stopped into a hair salon within walking distance of my home for a fresh buzz. I had been there before. It was raining, and I had taken my glasses off to dry them when a blurry male figure stepped into my view and welcomed me. It was classic. I could see even in my nearsightedness that 1) he was new there and 2) he was more than easy on the eyes, if not my usual type. I put my glasses on and looked him up and down. Yeah, cute as a bug's ear...around mid-thirties...elaborately-styled hair with blonde highlights...very chic glasses...adorable face and nose, and friendly, genuinely welcoming smile. When he invited me back to a chair, I couldn't help flipping on the charm as I had not in months, making an actual effort to have a conversation, show off my wit, and even--DRUMROLL--flirt a little.

He mentioned that I looked familiar to him, from the location where he had moved to this store from (he was an assistant manager). I admitted that I may have been to the other store, having also lived close to there. He told me about a haircut sale early in May to come back for. I agreed to do that, and talked a little about being a job coach. No really personal information or numbers were exchanged. He reminded me of the sale again at the counter, and I bemusedly reminded him that he had told me of it already. I tipped him five bucks. He was worth it, because he made me feel so good that afternoon, in many ways.

I haven't stopped thinking of him in two weeks.

Having his first name on my receipt, I Facebooked it to a fare-thee-well, trying to find his profile. No easy task, but I was Sam Spade on speed. And at last, I found him. Not surprisingly, even from his own and other's posts on his wall, I could tell that he was Everything I Am Not And Never Will Be. VERY attractive. Kindhearted. Giving. Social. Wanted. Upbeat. It's not hard to pick up on such things just from Facebook. You know what I mean. I held my breath searching around for references to a significant other (yes, I knew without a doubt he was gay) and...I found those, too. As of at least a year ago, he was taken. And oh, they looked so good together. That's because they probably belonged together.

I would never belong with this sweet and gentle man because I am the opposite of everything he arguably stands for. It is a fact that I have taken pride in being called my county's gay Maleficent. And it's no mistake that I played the Wicked Witch of the West in WOZ locally some years ago.

Needless to say, it hurt. I sat there for a while in my living room thinking, "Goddamn it, you let your guard down again!" Because I had. Despite all my attempts in recent years to close/lock/bolt the door on romance and "soft" feelings, following all the trouble and pain they had caused me in the past, they had found a chink in my armor.

My conscious mind shot to its feet and marched forward, hands on hips. "When will you finally get it in your ditsy head that you are not the type that anyone of any gender or preference would want to date? You're everything they RUN from, for Chrissake!!! You're consumed with bitterness and anger, you don't like people, you don't like socializing, you don't like really DOING much of anything, and you have no clue about how to GIVE rather than take!!! You never have!!! Add to all that the fact that you're getting older, and less and less attractive...and how can you kid yourself that you're anything but SUNK???? Oh...and remember how you were told once: 'DEPRESSION...ISN'T...SEXY!!!!!' Your friend with the bleach-blonde hair, even if he were single and available, would put up with you EXACTLY THIRTY MINUTES--the length of a coffee date--MAXIMUM. People like him have no time for people like you! Oh, sure, it all might be rainbows and cotton candy at first...but sooner or later, you would drag him down and suck the life out of him as you have just about every other close friend or lover you've ever had!!! Would that be fair to him?? ALL RIGHT!! So try doing something UNSELFISH for once and just take succor in the knowledge that he'll never bear scars from your claws!!!!" THAT is the most loving gift YOU could POSSIBLY give HIM!!!!

Truths, all.

Of course, I hadn't hoped for much, certainly not anything significant or long-term. Common sense told me even as we talked that this fellow was not likely to figure in my future, not no way, not nohow. But I guess my heart was hoping, albeit against hope, just a very teeny, weeny, tiny, feeble-minded bit.

And now again, the question: how do I drive a stake through my forty-two-year-old, not-very-warm, narcissistic, achingly oversensitive and dysfunctional heart? How do I cut my losses once and for all and put these useless feelings of longing and loneliness to sleep...and live the rest of my life alone AND at peace?
What a World, What a World...
-My Epitaph (if the fam doesn't want me to haunt them till the end of their days and then slap them hard when it's THEIR turn to cross over)
User avatar
Retroman76
 
Posts: 36
+1s received: 12
Joined: 6 January 2018, 00:59
Location: Ohio
Country: United States (us)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Retroman76 » 23 April 2019, 23:36

You're all a hell of a lotta help. Bet if I'd volunteered what kind of underwear I have on or what my last sexual act was my inbox would be chock full. Typical vapid, shallow shitheads. You make me wish I were a straight man and glad I work with them. Jesus wept.
What a World, What a World...
-My Epitaph (if the fam doesn't want me to haunt them till the end of their days and then slap them hard when it's THEIR turn to cross over)
User avatar
Retroman76
 
Posts: 36
+1s received: 12
Joined: 6 January 2018, 00:59
Location: Ohio
Country: United States (us)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Derek » 24 April 2019, 04:22

You make me wish you were a straight man too.
User avatar
Derek
 
Posts: 5289
+1s received: 1438
Joined: 21 December 2012, 02:12
Country: United States (us)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Eryx » 24 April 2019, 05:30

Maybe your post didn't get any replies because you just don't want to help yourself. No one thirty, or twenty, or fifty is in any obligation of liking you or finding you attractive, so it's not their fault if they don't respond to you flirting. Have you actually considered dating someone your age or older? My current boyfriend is 40 and I have no problems with his age, mostly because he doesn't either.

If you're unhappy about who you are, what you do, what you need and how to get it, the only person who can help you is you. I can't pat you in the head, I'm nearly half your age.

And I don't give a damn about your underwear, either. It's rich of you to call everyone on the forum collectively shallow while you've spent your time making a wall of text fishing for pity and/or validation from people you don't even personally know.
Image

Image Image

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
— Harlan Ellison
User avatar
Eryx
 
Posts: 1692
+1s received: 744
Joined: 20 December 2012, 21:48
Location: Belo Horizonte, MG
Country: Brazil (br)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Retroman76 » 24 April 2019, 12:17

It is Not. ALL. My. Fault. Some of it is. But just as much is due to circumstances beyond my control. Still, that doesn't make the pain any less. And I wasn't looking for pity or validation. I was in search of insight. My mistake. Go back to your discussions of dick size and Game of Thrones...didn't mean to make your little heads hurt from thinking too much.
What a World, What a World...
-My Epitaph (if the fam doesn't want me to haunt them till the end of their days and then slap them hard when it's THEIR turn to cross over)
User avatar
Retroman76
 
Posts: 36
+1s received: 12
Joined: 6 January 2018, 00:59
Location: Ohio
Country: United States (us)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Marmaduke » 24 April 2019, 12:56

I think if you hadn’t spent the first three paragraphs patronisingly beating us around the head with laboured similes describing contrast, more people probably would’ve read the whole thing and offered more input from the off. But you didn’t, and that - like a lot more than you’re apparently willing to concede - is your fault. Not ours.

You’re thinking obsessively about people you find appealing because you’re lonely. Deny it though you might, and no doubt will, it’s pretty obviously the case. You’re lonely because you’re defeatist and seemingly think it’s a point of personal pride that your a grumpy asshat. It shouldn’t be. Being an asshat is not a circumstance beyond your control, and striving to be better tomorrow than you are today is certainly a more constructive strategy than apparently aspiring to sociopathy.

You can’t kill your feelings, you can only reconcile through constructive action to remedy the areas in your own life that are obviously beneath where you want them to be.

Everything is entirely in your control. Your big mistake is seeing that as a bad thing. It isn’t. You’d be less lonely if you didn’t push everyone away and not doing that is as easy as deciding not to. Then we’d perhaps give your problem a moment of consideration between our chats about dicks and game of thrones.

Feel better. Or don’t. Whatever.
User avatar
Marmaduke
 
Posts: 6080
+1s received: 944
Joined: 23 December 2012, 17:56
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Retroman76 » 24 April 2019, 13:37

Labour THIS, limey. :nono:
What a World, What a World...
-My Epitaph (if the fam doesn't want me to haunt them till the end of their days and then slap them hard when it's THEIR turn to cross over)
User avatar
Retroman76
 
Posts: 36
+1s received: 12
Joined: 6 January 2018, 00:59
Location: Ohio
Country: United States (us)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Retroman76 » 24 April 2019, 13:50

In truth, you would never know how much I look forward to your deservingly harsh replies to my rants. I am a masochist, along with everything else, and so I respect and appreciate tough love, if you want to call this that.

I often wonder if my therapist isn't too gentle on me. We've worked together for so long that we like each other too much to really be honest. I know it's true in my case. I don't want her to think badly of me for behaving badly.

But all you say is true. I need to hear it and that's why I keep coming back even when I don't like what you have to say. It's like pressing on an aching tooth with my tongue.

More...more...harder.
What a World, What a World...
-My Epitaph (if the fam doesn't want me to haunt them till the end of their days and then slap them hard when it's THEIR turn to cross over)
User avatar
Retroman76
 
Posts: 36
+1s received: 12
Joined: 6 January 2018, 00:59
Location: Ohio
Country: United States (us)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Eryx » 24 April 2019, 14:46

You can't complain about people pulling away from you and then giving them a reason to with pleasure. Those two simply don't go together.

As for your backhanded comments, I know you're fully aware and pretending you aren't, but people can talk about trivial subjects and still be able to provide useful and thorough insight. One can love watching cartoons and debating astrophysics. One doesn't impede the other. I can talk about dick size all day if I want, it won't take away from my opinions on more serious issues.

Let us know if you only want a roast thread or if you're actually willing to make an effort, because if you aren't, then I won't waste any more of my time.

(On a related note: is this what a gay incel's supposed to be like?)
Image

Image Image

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
— Harlan Ellison
User avatar
Eryx
 
Posts: 1692
+1s received: 744
Joined: 20 December 2012, 21:48
Location: Belo Horizonte, MG
Country: Brazil (br)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Derek » 24 April 2019, 15:25

Eryx wrote:(On a related note: is this what a gay incel's supposed to be like?)

We could do a study. Be the first to write an article for Vox. "Meet the gay incel: a new breed of toxic masculinity takes shape in the recesses of the web"
User avatar
Derek
 
Posts: 5289
+1s received: 1438
Joined: 21 December 2012, 02:12
Country: United States (us)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Retroman76 » 24 April 2019, 15:56

All right. So, one of my favorite musicals is Cabaret. My favorite song in it...Maybe This Time. Really, it is. Never would have expected that, eh? But it is. It makes me cry.

There is a salvageable person somewhere inside me. But the trouble is, I can rarely believe in him, and thus, others rarely can, either.

So I'll sign off with a question which is the title of another song from Cabaret. What would you do...if you were me?
What a World, What a World...
-My Epitaph (if the fam doesn't want me to haunt them till the end of their days and then slap them hard when it's THEIR turn to cross over)
User avatar
Retroman76
 
Posts: 36
+1s received: 12
Joined: 6 January 2018, 00:59
Location: Ohio
Country: United States (us)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Derek » 24 April 2019, 17:23

Retroman76 wrote:All right. So, one of my favorite musicals is Cabaret. My favorite song in it...Maybe This Time. Really, it is. Never would have expected that, eh? But it is. It makes me cry.

Why wouldn't we have expected that? It's weird and sad, so it's on brand.

So I'll sign off with a question which is the title of another song from Cabaret. What would you do...if you were me?

Repeat every pattern stemming from my resentment and insecurity ad nauseum for the rest of my life?
User avatar
Derek
 
Posts: 5289
+1s received: 1438
Joined: 21 December 2012, 02:12
Country: United States (us)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Retroman76 » 25 April 2019, 11:57

Sadly, that is what is most likely to happen.

Everyone has wounds. I have more than my share, and they go deep. At the root of all my "asshatness" is a damaged soul that will never fully heal. I don't look at things the same way others do. It is extremely hard to find optimism, especially in matters of the heart.

Rejection has been the bane of my existence. I guard against it by keeping to myself. And I never, never approach others...they approach me. Or they don't. That extends to phone calls and even texts. I want to be the one in a position to shut the door.

That's why this recent experience has stuck with me so. Again, a chink in my armor was violated. I don't want that to happen again. I want to close off, shut down, so that I won't hurt like this anymore.

As I said, I don't know that most of you really get it. When even therapy and medication don't do the trick, what else is there but pulling away? I'm fine with that...as long as nothing pulls me back. That's what I want to stop.
What a World, What a World...
-My Epitaph (if the fam doesn't want me to haunt them till the end of their days and then slap them hard when it's THEIR turn to cross over)
User avatar
Retroman76
 
Posts: 36
+1s received: 12
Joined: 6 January 2018, 00:59
Location: Ohio
Country: United States (us)

Re: Putting My Feelings to Sleep

Unread postby Eryx » 25 April 2019, 13:19

Learning to deal with rejection is an important thing in life. Everyone gets rejected, even the most beautiful men out there. People get rejected for job openings, scholarships and especially in relationships. We get rejected by family, by friends, by groups, by teachers even. Sometimes it's because we're gay, or a different skin color, or nationality, or just because. Sometimes we're rejected because the other person finds us ugly, but that's their opinion and we can't do anything about it.

By living among other human beings, we have the option to accept rejection as an indispensable part of life or stay afraid of it forever. Those who choose to avoid rejection altogether never get accepted because they don't even try. That leads to frustration and stagnation. Finding the strength to face rejection with resilience is the only way to actually get somewhere.
Image

Image Image

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
— Harlan Ellison
User avatar
Eryx
 
Posts: 1692
+1s received: 744
Joined: 20 December 2012, 21:48
Location: Belo Horizonte, MG
Country: Brazil (br)


Recently active
Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot], bjornl, Brenden, clearlove, CommonCrawl [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Prince_G_24, Severelius and 53 guests