Uncertain of my place in the world

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Uncertain of my place in the world

Unread postby spacegymrat » 1 December 2018, 23:45

Hello to everyone. I would like to start off by saying that I really don't want to offend anyone here. That being said, I have been living with a lot of shame and negative self image for many years. If it seems that I am negative about my sexuality, it is only my pent up feelings and I am not trying to direct them at anyone else.

I have been hiding the fact that I am attracted to other men for my entire life. I am 28 years old now and it feels like it is time to face reality, because it feels like every year that goes by, the weight I am carrying gets a little heavier. When I was a child in 5th grade, one of my teachers noticed that I acted "more feminine" than other boys and brought this to the attention of my parents. I still remember how humiliated I felt when they talked me be about it, although they weren't cruel. They were simply trying to discover what was going on with their son. After that day, I made a conscious decision to be as masculine as possible. I would start fights with other boys just to prove I was "tough". In high school, I took up weight training and have been lifting ever since; something I am quite proud of. Although I'm not always so pleased about what goes on in my mind, I am quite proud of my body. I am strong and powerfully built and I like the feeling. The truth is masculinity is important to me. I know the term "masculine" gets a lot of hate today, and I don't understand why. If it is acceptable to take pride in being "feminine" why shouldn't we be proud to be men? I know these last few sentences are probably going to really annoy someone but I am sorry. I am proud to be a man. I really like my penis, and I like my powerful muscles and even my facial hair!

What is difficult for me to accept is the fact that I am a man who likes other men. I know in this day in age it is okay to feel this way, but it is hard for me all the same. One of the best experiences of my life was with another man while I was deployed. We went to an unoccupied tent together and shared mutual ecstasy. He was also a very good friend but I severed contact after the deployment due to feelings of intense shame. I have spent the last several years telling myself that I am straight. I do also enjoy women by the way... I love their luscious curves and smooth skin and the way they can be all so submissive.. I even have a girlfriend I live with. I haven't mentioned any of this to her and always have to remember to clear my browsing history when I am done using my laptop for entertainment...

Anyway, I felt like venting and there is no one I feel comfortable being honest with at the moment; possibly not even myself. I am sorry for just dumping my issues onto your forum. I would like to know if anyone can relate at all. I do feel a little isolated in life at times. Thank you all very much for your consideration and understanding. Once again, I apologize for anyone this post may offend.
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Re: Uncertain of my place in the world

Unread postby xrayspex78 » 2 December 2018, 00:34

Howdy spacegymrat and welcome to GFO!! Glad to have ya here friend! :)

So I feel you are taking a great first step in recognizing your attraction to men. A very big kudos and it’s a very positive thing.

I don’t have any experience in your situation. But wanted to offer kind words and encouragement.

You’ve come to a very wonderful place that has a wide variety of folks. Different beliefs, values, and opinions.

I personally don’t find your pride in being a man or being masculine offensive at all. Don’t feel ashamed to be a man. No man ever should.

You were deployed?
I would like to thank you with great sincerity for your service.

Hang in there friend! There are a lot of wonderful folks here that can be of better help. :hug:

All the best!

Sincerely,
Brian
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Re: Uncertain of my place in the world

Unread postby Jzone » 2 December 2018, 02:10

Welcome sgr,

If anyone is offended by your intro, that is due to their issues. You are simply telling your own story. Thank you for that.

I suspect your story is all too common, even in these enlightened times. Some teacher of yours with a crushingly limited understanding of human sexuality, expressed their concern to your parents. Parenting is the hardest job on the planet, and your folks over-reacted with concern about you, their parenting skills, and how they might be perceived as parents. You, in turn, protected yourself by suppressing aspects of your personality that you then identified as "bad" or "wrong", and striving to appear stereotypically masculine. Now you get to live with the challenge of unraveling this tangle or continuing to live with suppression, now self-imposed. Could be worse.

My sexuality is fluid, and I am attracted to both men and women. I wouldn't say that I am proud to be a man, any more than I am proud to be right-handed or have steel-blue eyes. None of that is any of my doing. I do embrace my masculinity, and it is usually masculine features that attract me to other men.

You have a difficult situation in living with and loving a woman who doesn't know these details about you. It's not easy to hide your thoughts, emotions, and browsing history day after day for very long. That takes a toll. Once you are honest with yourself, can you be honest with her?

That probably sounds scary. It can be. I live with a woman who knows about my bisexuality. I told her on our first date. (I don't necessarily recommend that, but it seemed right that night.) We were able to talk about it and she was able to consider if she wanted to take on a relationship with a bisexually experienced guy. 5 years on, here we are.

Another question: are you ready to commit to a relationship with a woman without exploring more intimacy with another man? This is about self-discovery and expression, not right or wrong. I hope you find help in the forum with what you are facing.
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Re: Uncertain of my place in the world

Unread postby Tommiebee » 2 December 2018, 02:20

Jzone wrote:Welcome sgr,

If anyone is offended by your intro, that is due to their issues. You are simply telling your own story. Thank you for that.

I suspect your story is all too common,
even in these enlightened times. Some teacher of yours with a crushingly limited understanding of human sexuality, expressed their concern to your parents. Parenting is the hardest job on the planet, and your folks over-reacted with concern about you, their parenting skills, and how they might be perceived as parents. You, in turn, protected yourself by suppressing aspects of your personality that you then identified as "bad" or "wrong", and striving to appear stereotypically masculine. Now you get to live with the challenge of unraveling this tangle or continuing to live with suppression, now self-imposed. Could be worse.

My sexuality is fluid, and I am attracted to both men and women. I wouldn't say that I am proud to be a man, any more than I am proud to be right-handed or have steel-blue eyes. None of that is any of my doing. I do embrace my masculinity, and it is usually masculine features that attract me to other men.

You have a difficult situation in living with and loving a woman who doesn't know these details about you. It's not easy to hide your thoughts, emotions, and browsing history day after day for very long. That takes a toll. Once you are honest with yourself, can you be honest with her?

That probably sounds scary. It can be. I live with a woman who knows about my bisexuality. I told her on our first date. (I don't necessarily recommend that, but it seemed right that night.) We were able to talk about it and she was able to consider if she wanted to take on a relationship with a bisexually experienced guy. 5 years on, here we are.

Another question: are you ready to commit to a relationship with a woman without exploring more intimacy with another man? This is about self-discovery and expression, not right or wrong. I hope you find help in the forum with what you are facing.

Highlighting a portion of this quote...
not only is it fairly common from what I've seen, many of us have lived an entire lifetime of lies, myself for example, having masqueraded masculine roles for over 60 years.
I can relate to the shame, disgust and self-loathing. It's necessary to get beyond that, learn to accept and love yourself and your appetites in order to live a better life.
I can testify that it's difficult, but coming into the light makes it all worthwhile as you begin to heal.
I am a work in progress. I am so thankful for the opportunity to live my live my own way.
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Re: Uncertain of my place in the world

Unread postby Eryx » 2 December 2018, 15:06

You weren't offensive at all at any point, just sharing how you feel and who you are. That's okay. Yeah, some people don't agree or feel differently about what "masculine" entails, but that's their business, just like it is mine. We ourselves define what that word means to us and the value of it in our lives.

Okay, so you also like girls, you're a bisexual guy and you've been carrying some guilt. You know the world has changed, right? You lucked out in the birth lottery, your country is pretty well-off and somewhat progressive.

Are you religious? Do you think that may have made it more difficult to accept that you're attracted to both genders?

You're in a relationship, so other attractions shouldn't really matter. Masturbation is where everything goes, even actual straight guys venture into some weird shit sometimes. That's a personal time.

I'd only have an issue with you if you tell me that your embarrassment with being bisexual (which is absolutely, completely and perfectly natural) leads you to make fun of gay guys, homosexuality in general or femininity. If your personal issues with accepting yourself are affecting the lives of others, then that's a problem. We can only help you with feeling more comfortable in your own skin.

Welcome to GFO!
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Re: Uncertain of my place in the world

Unread postby spacegymrat » 2 December 2018, 16:45

Thank you guys for your support and taking the time to respond to my post! I was definitely nervous to post and was uncertain how everyone would respond. To answer some questions, it was my privilege to serve in the Air Force for six years. I believe some of our best people are in the military and I am fortunate to have met and worked with some of them.

I have been religious for most of my life although I have always taken issue with the fact that many members of the church use fear to control people. My view on the world has been changing a lot lately and I can certainly no longer consider myself a member of the Catholic Church. In truth, I haven't been attending church for sometime but have been slow to completely sever my emotional ties. Upon reflection, I have realized that the only reason I have been calling myself religious is because I am afraid of some kind of divine retribution against me. Like God himself is going to take the time to smite me. I know this probably sounds silly and illogical, because it is! I have nothing against religious people but I do take issue when they threaten people with divine punishments, like hell. As if they have been given permission by God to sentence people in his name. It just makes me so angry!

I'm sorry for going off on a tangent there. I don't post on many forums and I feel like I am mostly just venting. I really do appreciate everyone's support. This is a strange time for me because I am reconsidering a lot of my social and political views I have had in place for a long time. I have used some of these views to define myself as a person in the past and now I find that without them, I am a little uncertain. Hopefully all those judgmental people weren't right and the ground beneath me doesn't give way, so that I find myself falling into the ole lake of fire!
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Re: Uncertain of my place in the world

Unread postby Crisis_Jay » 2 December 2018, 17:38

SGR, I have a few years on you and I still hide it mostly. Are you thinking you'd rather be with a man than a woman at this point, or just trying to deal with the fact that you're attracted to men which is bothering you? Because you'd rather not be? From what I gather it's fairly common for people living a straight life to also find the same sex attractive. It's just not something that comes up around the water cooler so they feel isolated in feeling that way and at times ashamed of it.

There's nothing wrong with having those feelings. It's completely natural and out of your control. I know that's an easy thing to say, but when you've been conditioned by society to believe certain things are bad it's hard to grasp. You're definitely not alone at all.
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Re: Uncertain of my place in the world

Unread postby Eryx » 3 December 2018, 13:49

That's an important step you're taking there. Lots of people go through that uncertainty, when they break away from old expectations and ways to see things and start developing their own lens for the world. Good on you for being brave and getting away from your comfort zone!
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