Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including gays

Talk about anything and everything.

Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including gays

Unread postby star_trek_geek » 18 January 2020, 06:43

Myself & my partner have been living together a number of years, we got married around a year ago & we're very happy. I love him so much I never thought I'd ever meet anyone like this. Me & him are essentially a family. We live together, cook together, support each other etc. My husband is a mature student at university & I work from home.

Now comes the irritating part. :|

Whenever we meet anyone, whether it be gay or straight friends, acquaintances or strangers, they almost always have this line of questioning:

Them: "Why do you live in [city name]?"
Me: "Because [my husband] works at the University there."
Them: "So why do you live there with him? Why not live somewhere else like [suggests city name 200 miles away]"
Me: "I think I just answered that question."
Them: "What?"
Me: "My husband works & studies there!"
Them: "But you don't have to live with him."
Me: "Why wouldn't I want to live with my husband? Would you choose to live separately from your wife/husband?"
Them: "Good point, I hadn't thought of that."
Me: "Why is it people don't question it when it's a heterosexual couple, but when it's a gay couple it's like they don't take it seriously & see you as separate?"
Them: "Good point. I don't know why I thought of it that way [laughs]"

:confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

The reason I'm a bit peeved is because of the number of times this has happened. The above is a short example but sometimes it can take a good 15 minutes to get them to understand why we don't want to separate. :facepalm2: It wasn't just an idle comment from a stupid teenager, I've heard this from people of all ages, gay & straight. Tonight was the final straw.. my friend (who is a gay man) had this same line of questioning for me. He ended up laughing about it after I asked why it should be any different to a straight married couple (just like everyone does), and said "I guess so! Ha ha ha good point I didn't think of that..".

I'm just starting to feel people don't take my marriage seriously & feel a bit disrespected even within the LGBT community. It's like everyone treats it as a joke & we have to constantly explain ourselves and/or our decision to live together.
:werd:

A couple of weeks ago, my husband's friends had the same line of questioning (straight couple!). A few weeks before that, one of our gay friends questioned why we're living together.

Can you imagine if people questioned a straight married couple living together on a whim like this? It'd never happen.
star_trek_geek
 
Posts: 27
+1s received: 10
Joined: 18 January 2020, 06:05

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby René » 18 January 2020, 06:49

Coming up on our 10th anniversary and having lived in the UK for almost all of those 10 years, my husband and I have never experienced anything like this or felt disrespected in any way. We lived in Yorkshire for most of that time but are now in Scotland (Lanarkshire), where everyone has been especially lovely, from young people to old ladies. I don't think we've ever felt treated any differently than a straight couple at all anywhere in the UK except that many people are particularly happy for us (precisely because we are a gay couple) and pleased that we chose to settle down in their area, of all places, instead of in one of our native countries (Holland and America).

What area do you live in? Maybe the people there are just particularly thick for some reason? :P
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 5254
+1s received: 1459
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Lanarkshire, Scotland
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby star_trek_geek » 18 January 2020, 07:12

Thanks for the reply. The people who said these things were from different areas & countries and all live in different areas.. off the top of my head: English, Irish Chinese, Spanish, Greek... living in various cities around the UK & the world. Doesn't seem to be any correlation with area but it's even more frustrating if we are the only couple to continually go through this. The most recent guy was Greek. When I asked why he'd even suggest my living apart from my husband, he suggested I might be happier living in the other city.

One of my friends used to meet me for coffee every day and she'd suggest hooking me up with her gay friends all the time. I'd have to continually remind her I'm married and she'd laugh and say "OH yes I forgot sorry.". It started off being funny but has happened so many times it ended up really pissing me off because it's like everyone lacks respect for our marriage.
Last edited by star_trek_geek on 18 January 2020, 07:18, edited 3 times in total.
star_trek_geek
 
Posts: 27
+1s received: 10
Joined: 18 January 2020, 06:05

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby René » 18 January 2020, 07:13

Very odd! I can't explain or imagine your experience. Maybe others will have further insights.
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 5254
+1s received: 1459
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Lanarkshire, Scotland
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

PostThis post was deleted by star_trek_geek on 18 January 2020, 07:25.
Reason: wanna wait for more replies before I influence them

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby rogonandi » 18 January 2020, 10:50

I also think your situation is pretty odd. I’ve been married to my husband for over 12 years and no one has ever said anything like that to either of us. :shrug:
People love to follow fools; they don't feel so alone then.

Image
User avatar
rogonandi
 
Posts: 1468
+1s received: 970
Joined: 12 May 2016, 10:02
Location: Ontario
Country: Canada (ca)

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby star_trek_geek » 18 January 2020, 14:05

Are we really the only people experiencing this? It's somehow even more irritating to know that !

I'm clutching at straws now but we're usually affectionate in private, not in public, and strangers always think we're straight, but everyone knows we're married & we don't hide it- we wear rings! I'm sure there are plenty of straight couples who behave the same way but don't have this issue.

I just talked to my friend who said it yesterday, I asked him to explain why he said those things, to help me understand it. It was just a moment ago & I'll repeat it from memory:

Me: "By the way, why did you suggest I live separately from my husband the other day?"
Him: "I just thought you might be happier in a better city."
Me: "Without my husband?"
Him: "He could always follow you after he finished his studies in a few years"
Me: "What makes you think I'd be happier living alone without my husband for a few years?"
Him: "You wouldn't have to be alone but it isn't healthy to spent too much time together."
Me: "Why isn't it healthy to spend time with my husband?"
Him: "I don't mean it like that, I just meant it's good to have a break from each other from time to time."
Me: "But having a break from each other for an afternoon isn't the same as living separately 200 miles apart for 3 years. We haven't had any problems, rarely argue & this is the best relationship of my life- that's why we're married!"
Him: "True. Look I didn't say you have to do it."
Me: "I'm just trying to understand why you'd suggest it."
Him: "I guess what you said about gay couples is true, everyone thinks of straight couples as the same person but gay couples as separate people. Hahahaha"

:facepalm2:
star_trek_geek
 
Posts: 27
+1s received: 10
Joined: 18 January 2020, 06:05

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby lightnight » 18 January 2020, 15:51

Don't bother.
I don't think I'm qualified to give 'couples advice' but I think couples shouldn't have to respond to every silly thing people ask or say about their relationship. I know I just contradicted myself too lol, but it's for your welfare to not give much thought to their comments because they're probably not giving much thought about you either. I mean, one of your examples sounded like it was sort of done in a joking manner and another seemed to realize he was wrong.


It doesn't just happen to gay married couples by the way. When one of my friends became a dad, I saw people telling him what he should name the child (without him asking for baby names, lol). My sister has often been asked personal questions about her relationship with her husband too.

People just like to speak without thinking much and poke their noses where they don't belong. I've often done that too, but I've been trying not to.
Image
User avatar
lightnight
 
Posts: 1270
+1s received: 367
Joined: 18 May 2015, 02:39

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby Capt._Trips » 18 January 2020, 16:54

How does this come up in conversation? Surely they don't just start asking you this.
Do you not like the City you currently live in?
Kinda seems like they feel you don't like where you live and are just suggesting an alternative. I mean its a weird question to just ask someone. Really weird to be asked by multiple people.
"I hope your having fun" paul McCartney

"Castles made of sand slips into the sea,
Eventually" jimi hendrix

"We are star dust. We are golden" joni mitchell

Edna St. Vincent Millay — 'My candle burns at both ends;It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—It gives a lovely light!'
User avatar
Capt._Trips
 
Posts: 3528
+1s received: 2273
Joined: 30 September 2017, 16:43
Location: Pennsylvania
Country: United States (us)

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby star_trek_geek » 18 January 2020, 17:48

Capt._Trips wrote:How does this come up in conversation? Surely they don't just start asking you this.
Do you not like the City you currently live in?


It starts in different ways. Sometimes while a friend visits us for dinner, sometimes while we're visiting people in different cities. The person(s) start by asking "WHY do you live there?". They know my husband goes to University there so I don't know why they ask.

It's widely accepted there are better cities and we don't plan to settle here. I used to live in a nice city for 15 years and it's common knowledge we prefer it there. We hope to move somewhere better after he finished University. However, everything is dictated by personal circumstances at the time (finances, study location, job location etc.). Just because I work from home online doesn't mean I want to be without my husband- what's the point?!

Sometimes it's complete strangers at a bar, whom granted would be drinking. But even while drinking it's just odd.
Last edited by star_trek_geek on 18 January 2020, 18:33, edited 1 time in total.
star_trek_geek
 
Posts: 27
+1s received: 10
Joined: 18 January 2020, 06:05

PostThis post was deleted by star_trek_geek on 18 January 2020, 17:53.
Reason: mistake post

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby Marmaduke » 18 January 2020, 18:29

This thread is so odd. Is this an elaborate subterfuge to see if you can pass off scripted dialogue as believable? If it is, it’s not awful, though it’s definitely not natural and it doesn’t sit properly without foundational context.

If it’s not, did you maybe take a little artistic license with how regularly you’ve encountered this conversational stumbling block? I get that one time doesn’t seem like it’s worth talking about, but a pattern of this? I genuinely can’t believe it. However, “one idiot” is much easier to reconcile.

If this is reflective of a conversational calibre you genuinely regularly encounter, it’s an absolute phenomenon. On face value, it’s bizarre. I don’t know if you just keep awful company, but it’s not reflective of a broader homosexual experience.

Is it purely people just asking why you live where you do? Is where you live completely shit and you’re just attributing their wanting you to not live in a shithole with them dismissing your sexuality?
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
Marmaduke
 
Posts: 6538
+1s received: 1534
Joined: 23 December 2012, 17:56
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

PostThis post was deleted by star_trek_geek on 18 January 2020, 18:33.
Reason: forum error

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby star_trek_geek » 31 January 2020, 12:36

Marmaduke wrote:I genuinely can’t believe it.


I posted this for support, not as a script or fake story (I have no idea what the purpose of that would be, unless you're trolling me). I mentioned your comment to my husband. His response was that there are billions of people in the world many of whom have very different experiences to each other & it would be naive to think that just because you haven't experienced something that means it doesn't happen to anyone.

Can you imagine what it's like to go through something disturbing and then when you try to talk about it, you're accused of lying?

My husband confirmed this has happened to us, I'm not imagining it and he thinks I should ignore them all & also ignore you, especially your part claiming I'm writing a 'script'. After discussing with him I did ignore your comment for a while, which is why there wasn't a reply until now. I just wanted to make myself clear, if there are anymore insulting comments or accusing me of lying, I won't be goaded into replying any further.
star_trek_geek
 
Posts: 27
+1s received: 10
Joined: 18 January 2020, 06:05

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby René » 31 January 2020, 13:44

star_trek_geek wrote:I just wanted to make myself clear, if there are anymore insulting comments or accusing me of lying, I won't be goaded into replying any further.

Be careful, because when it comes to goading people into replying further, our Marmaduke is one of the very best. :P
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 5254
+1s received: 1459
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Lanarkshire, Scotland
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby star_trek_geek » 31 January 2020, 21:58

René wrote:Be careful, because when it comes to goading people into replying further, our Marmaduke is one of the very best. :P

:facepalm2:
star_trek_geek
 
Posts: 27
+1s received: 10
Joined: 18 January 2020, 06:05

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby Marmaduke » 31 January 2020, 22:06

I think the best advice I can give you is to try and take yourself a little less seriously. It doesn’t directly address the issue at hand, but we’re all about small steps here.

I’ve discussed it with my husband and he agrees with me and confirms that what I’ve said is true.
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
Marmaduke
 
Posts: 6538
+1s received: 1534
Joined: 23 December 2012, 17:56
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby star_trek_geek » 31 January 2020, 23:30

Marmaduke wrote:I think the best advice I can give you is to try and take yourself a little less seriously. It doesn’t directly address the issue at hand, but we’re all about small steps here.


So I shouldn't take an issue that's affecting me seriously? That doesn't sound healthy. You may think it sounds small, but when you're with a foreigner & almost no one takes your relationship seriously it only increases the anxiety you have that the authorities will do the same thing. Whilst you may think authorities simply follow set rules, every decision comes down to an individual or group or human beings, and those people have the power to split couples up. I didn't mention that in my original post but that's the problem with making fun of people- you don't know what they're going through. It is a very big deal to me especially as it took many decades to find someone I love.

Marmaduke wrote:I’ve discussed it with my husband and he agrees with me and confirms that what I’ve said is true.


Does it make you feel good to mimic people looking for support? You've made your point, you think the issue doesn't exist and is so small you're laughing at me. The irony of making others feel small through mimicry is that in psychology it's known as a means to make yourself feel bigger because you're not happy with how you see yourself. It takes a lot of courage to discuss a personal or emotional issue because you expose yourself to being laughed at by immature & insensitive people.

Also, just because someone can write with half decent grammar or spelling doesn't mean they're necessarily good a communication or expressing themselves effectively. Effective communicators know how to make anything appear serious, true or vice versa. Bullies take advantage of the former or make jokes at their expense just like you do, and don't realise (or care) about the long term effects you have on people.
star_trek_geek
 
Posts: 27
+1s received: 10
Joined: 18 January 2020, 06:05

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby Marmaduke » 1 February 2020, 09:42

You will note that I didn’t say try and take the issue less seriously. I said try and take yourself less seriously.

As someone that clearly struggles with a quite acute anxiety, the external factors you will encounter throughout your life will always tend to be beyond your ability to control. The only factor in the equation that is causing you all this distress that will always be in your control is yourself, how you view yourself in the world and how you allow these issues to affect you.

Yours is not an issue of everyone and everything in your life belittling your lifestyle, or reducing your worth. It’s that your perspective on everyone and everything in your life is apparently framing it that way. You can change that. You just have to acknowledge it and make an effort.

A good first step would be to try and take yourself, not the situation, not the entire fucking generalised existence of humanity, just yourself, a tiny bit less seriously.

And as a general point, I find mirroring to be a super effective way of demonstrating to people points that I’m trying to highlight. In this instance, I’m highlighting that your husband, what you said to him, what he said to you, it’s all wholly irrelevant to the point at hand. He is as good as fictional. Much like my husband.
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
Marmaduke
 
Posts: 6538
+1s received: 1534
Joined: 23 December 2012, 17:56
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Why is everyone so disrespectful of married gay couples including

Unread postby star_trek_geek » 1 February 2020, 19:12

Marmaduke wrote:You will note that I didn’t say try and take the issue less seriously. I said try and take yourself less seriously.


The irony is you think you know how seriously a stranger takes him or herself from a couple of online posts.

Marmaduke wrote:As someone that clearly struggles with a quite acute anxiety,


And you diagnosed this from a couple of online posts? :applause: :facepalm2:

I could very easily post exactly the same type of messages you do, in which case that'd mean you have quite acute anxiety too? We're all the sum of our experiences & I don't think you can tell what someone's like from an online post without ever having met them. For example, I'm sure in real life you aren't so presumptuous.

Let me demonstrate.

Marmaduke wrote:the external factors you will encounter throughout your life will always tend to be beyond your ability to control.


Not really. You may feel this way, but perhaps if you focus a little more on social skills, you'd realise you're not so helpless.

Marmaduke wrote:The only factor in the equation that is causing you all this distress that will always be in your control is yourself, how you view yourself in the world and how you allow these issues to affect you.


So if someone comes along, ties you up & slits your throat the only thing that's causing you distress is how you view yourself in the world? Something tells me if you faced anything I'd faced in life, you'd be crying like a little baby right now.

Marmaduke wrote:Yours is not an issue of everyone and everything in your life belittling your lifestyle, or reducing your worth. It’s that your perspective on everyone and everything in your life is apparently framing it that way. You can change that. You just have to acknowledge it and make an effort.


Yours is not an issue of actually knowing someone's problems or life issues. It's that your perspective on yourself is inflated & based on too little experience of the people you judge. You can change that. You just have to acknowledge it and make an effort.

Marmaduke wrote:A good first step would be to try and take yourself, not the situation, not the entire fucking generalised existence of humanity, just yourself, a tiny bit less seriously.


If I followed your advice, I'd be dead by now, my friend. A good first step for you would be to try and take people with an open mind & not presume to know the personality or life problems of strangers online.

Marmaduke wrote:And as a general point, I find mirroring to be a super effective way of demonstrating to people points that I’m trying to highlight. In this instance, I’m highlighting that your husband, what you said to him, what he said to you, it’s all wholly irrelevant to the point at hand. He is as good as fictional. Much like my husband.


That's interesting, lets put that into practise. I find mirroring to be a super effective way of demonstrating to people the points I'm trying to highlight. In this instance, you seem to know a lot about anxiety- I wonder why? I'm highlighting that your advice could be as good as fiction.
star_trek_geek
 
Posts: 27
+1s received: 10
Joined: 18 January 2020, 06:05

Next

Recently active
Users browsing this forum: Brenden, CommonCrawl [Bot], John27, poolerboy0077, Prince_G_24, Severelius, Sogou [Spider], Yandex [Bot], you&i and 78 guests