Grindr

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Grindr

Unread postby MC » 23 September 2020, 16:30

I am new to this board but I have a question about the fascination that gay guys have with Grindr! I am bisexual and only the last 5 years have I been in a homosexual relationship. Unfortunately my boyfriend I've been with for over a year is obsessed with Grindr...we met on that app and I only used it as a way to find someone with similar interests. Now Grindr nauseates me and the level of deception and promiscuity is astounding! I have never had a heterosexual relationship with a woman that would accept that kind of behavior. It seems every gay man I know is either having sex with strangers on a regular basis or is trying to. My boyfriend is constantly on Grindr and when I see his face pic on the lineup of potential hookups my heart sinks. I think maybe it's time to switch back to women because the guys I've met are so promiscuous and they lack the common decency to control their sexual desires in a manner consistent with a steady relationship. This is just my experience and I don't mean to paint the entire gay community in a negative light but in my 5 years the main attraction men have for me is sex...oh they love me for that period of time and after that I'm on my own lol go home!....how shallow and superficial love has become lmfao no fool like an old fool!
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Re: Grindr

Unread postby René » 23 September 2020, 16:44

Hey MC, welcome to the forum!

Sorry to hear that's been your experience :(

If you didn't agree to an open relationship, that's cheating. Plenty of gay men aren't like that. Personally, I've been married to my husband for over 10 years with, I can confidently say, no cheating on either side.

I imagine it has something to do with the place where you're finding boyfriends. I'm sure a guy you find on an app like Grindr is much more likely to be sexually promiscuous than a guy found elsewhere. I think you have to get quite lucky to find a guy who isn't like that on Grindr considering the main thing that app is used for is finding hookups!

You may well have more luck deleting Grindr and trying Tinder. There'll still be promiscuous guys on there, but I think the proportion is probably much lower.

Hope this helps! Good luck! :hug:
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Re: Grindr

Unread postby René » 23 September 2020, 17:02

Noticed your edit.

MC wrote:This is just my experience and I don't mean to paint the entire gay community in a negative light but in my 5 years the main attraction men have for me is sex...oh they love me for that period of time and after that I'm on my own lol go home!....how shallow and superficial love has become lmfao no fool like an old fool!

Sex is great and everything but I think love, affection (cuddling, holding hands, spooning) and shared
interests/hobbies are much more important. I'm not alone.
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Re: Grindr

Unread postby Eryx » 24 September 2020, 14:46

Yeah it's a problem, but no, not every gay guy is obsessed with sex, hookups and Grindr.
The problem is you allowed it at some point. You've been together for a year, that's enough time to set up some boundaries.

If I saw someone after that long a time on Grindr for a first time, I'd say I don't accept it and that it's a problem. If I saw it for a second time, I'd quit the relationship, simple as that.

Someone being online on Grindr, even if they say it's just for talking, doesn't sit well with me. That talking is probably about sex which isn't very different from doing cam sex online or talking to random people for self gratification. And if you're in a relationship, I think porn and masturbation should be enough, unless both parties are interested and enjoy open relationships.

If your boyfriend feels lonely and just wants more gay friends, there are many better ways to do it. He's on Grindr for a reason, and that reason isn't being faithful.

I found my boyfriend on that app as well, but the thought of keeping it installed after we became official was so absurd in our minds that we didn't even have to discuss it.
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Re: Grindr

Unread postby geordiebiboi » 29 September 2020, 23:16

In my book, if you're both exclusive then if he's still on Grindr looking for casual encounters, that still counts as cheating. When you're with someone, you shouldn't be looking at other people, whether it be men or women.

If he's doing it right in front of you then he has no respect for you or the relationship.
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Re: Grindr

Unread postby jake.wriley » 1 October 2020, 11:59

Hey MC,

Welcome to the forum, and I'm sorry about these challenges in your relationship and the frustration of potential promiscuity.

Everything I'm saying here is my own opinion based on my own experiences and the experiences of gay couples I know. I'm NOT at all trying to say that my boyfriend and I are the model gay couple and have everything figured out. Beware of those guys — such as the many on this forum — who project their personal experiences as absolute truths about gay culture. One person's definition of cheating may be different from yours, one person's ideal relationship is likely different from yours, etc.

I completely agree with the above posts in that not all gay/bi men are sexually promiscuous. There are certainly gay men — myself included — who value sexual commitment to one another and don't pursue sexual intimacy (whether it be in person or virtually) outside of the relationship. On the other hand, I know plenty of gay couples — new couples, long-term couples, and even some married gay men — who have open relationships and are perfectly happy sleeping with other people aside from their partner.

I personally think either side and everything in between is perfectly acceptable and just depends on what one person and their partner desire.

I think the CRUCIAL thing for this though is open communication. In my first relationship with another man, we never had an explicit conversation about keeping our relationship exclusive, and infidelity was an issue. One of us was looking for sexual monogamy while the other wanted to keep things open. I don't think either of our desires was wrong, but we were simply looking for different things in a relationship. Had we talked about that from the beginning — as I think is necessary for any healthy relationship — a lot of pain and difficulty could have been avoided.

Since then, and in my current relationship, this is a conversation we have had before we ever made our relationship official. We have discussed whether or not we want to keep the relationship open, if we feel comfortable talking about previous sexual encounters with each other, if we're okay with each other watching porn, etc. In my experience, the open communication between us is something fundamental in every healthy relationship I've seen, the importance of which I have learned for myself the hard way.

All that said, I don't think it's unhealthy for one or both partners in a relationship to use Grindr if and only if it is something both of them have talked about. If it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable that he continues to use Grindr, then I think it is monumentally disrespectful of your boyfriend to keep using it after you have talked about it. That can be incredibly painful, and I'm sure you deserve better than that. In my experience and aside from this pain and frustration in and of itself: if he disrespects you in this way sexually, it's just a matter of time before that disrespect manifests in other ways too.

Although a forum post only gives me so much information about the context of your relationship, it seems unlikely that your boyfriend will stop using Grindr anytime soon even after discussing it, but who knows; he might leave the app after you talk about it and explain how you feel. In the former case, please rest assured that not all gay men want hookups and casual sex. In my experience, there are many, many gay men who value exclusive relationships such as yourself. I think such men are much harder to find, but we're definitely out there.

I wish you the best of success with your current relationship and any future relationships, whether with a man or a woman, and please remember that your desire for exclusive, sexual intimacy deserves respect from your partner. I've seen too many people in relationships compromise their values for the sake of pleasing their partner. Your desire for sexual monogamy from a man or a woman deserves respect, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I hope you find that soon :)
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Re: Grindr

Unread postby René » 1 October 2020, 14:26

jake.wriley wrote:Beware of those guys — such as the many on this forum — who project their personal experiences as absolute truths about gay culture.

Jake, I thought you wrote a very awesome, friendly, constructive post, apart from this bit here where you undermine that by quite vaguely insulting the rest of the members of the forum... (before going on to say you agree with the main point others made and to give examples of your own in support.)

Just thought that was a shame. :sadblue:
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Re: Grindr

Unread postby jake.wriley » 1 October 2020, 17:21

René wrote:
jake.wriley wrote:Beware of those guys — such as the many on this forum — who project their personal experiences as absolute truths about gay culture.

Jake, I thought you wrote a very awesome, friendly, constructive post, apart from this bit here where you undermine that by quite vaguely insulting the rest of the members of the forum... (before going on to say you agree with the main point others made and to give examples of your own in support.)

Just thought that was a shame. :sadblue:


This was not intended as an insult to the rest of the members on the forum; hence why I said "many on this forum" and not everyone on this forum. For the people on the form who do, however, claim that their opinion is the truth, then it's good that sentence offended you.

If one finds themselves insulted by my post, perhaps they should evaluate their arrogance behind the "advice" they share. In my mind, simply stating something like "in my opinion" or "in my experience" to remind the reader that what is being said is just an opinion would suffice. Instead, providing definitions of concepts like infidelity can suggest to some that their own definition is incorrect. Defining personal values in gay culture is difficult enough; my point was just to hopefully remind us that our own values and definitions don't speak for everyone.

As an example from Eryx as to what I mean:
If I saw someone after that long a time on Grindr for a first time, I'd say I don't accept it and that it's a problem. If I saw it for a second time, I'd quit the relationship, simple as that.

I REALLY appreciate how you say what you would do in the situation. It's very clear to me that this is based on your own opinion, that you're providing advice based on your own values in a relationship, and that you're not telling anyone what to do. It's advice presented in, what I think is, a very humble way. (Eryx, I always appreciate your comments and ideas on this forum, btw).

And just to recapitulate something from my post above: I provide advice I think is good (I wouldn't intentionally share advice I thought was bad or misleading), but it's based on my own opinions and experiences. It is advice which has worked for me and others, but it's not the only correct or healthy way to view things. All I'm trying to say is that I wish others would take this same perspective on the advice they give.

For many of the members on here who are new to the gay community and seeking advice, they don't yet have personal experience against which to weigh the advice given by others, thus making it easy to buy into one's advice without a healthy level of discernment.

I'm just trying to look out for the innocent, little guy on here and encourage them to not be swayed by the overly emphatic posts by some.

Sorry, MC, for possibly derailing your original and very important post. I just find this particularly relevant here since the original post mentioned a lot of absolutes regarding gay men and their sexual intentions both inside and outside of relationships, and I wanted to make sure MC was being heard and not provided with yet more "absolutes" about gay culture, what cheating is, how people should use Grindr, etc. We can provide our opinions, but MC's values in a relationship are the most important here.

In my mind, describing a certain behavior and stating "... that is cheating" — as was done in this thread — is overgeneralizing; regarding this situation, it depends on MC's definition of cheating, not how anyone else defines infidelity.

I personally appreciate everyone's opinions on here and the values you all have for relationships, sexual intimacy, etc. I just don't like when it's stated as a fact when it's simply an opinion, for not every reader can clearly discern between the two, and I'd hate for someone to be misled.
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Re: Grindr

Unread postby PopTart » 1 October 2020, 17:33

jake.wriley wrote:In my mind, describing a certain behavior and stating "... that is cheating" — as was done in this thread — is overgeneralizing; regarding this situation, it depends on MC's definition of cheating, not how anyone else defines infidelity.

I personally appreciate everyone's opinions on here and the values you all have for relationships, sexual intimacy, etc. I just don't like when it's stated as a fact when it's simply an opinion, for not every reader can clearly discern between the two, and I'd hate for someone to be misled.
Since there is only one post in this thread, that comes close to saying what you have quoted here, i would like to defend that person since, the post you are refering to, quite clearly prefaces "....that is cheating" with the statement, "In my book..." which I think satisfies your requirement for ensuring that people clarify the opinion shared is a personal one, in their opinion, from their perspective.

Perhaps this is a case of misunderstanding and jumping to conclusions. :shrug:
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Re: Grindr

Unread postby Eryx » 1 October 2020, 23:33

It's a difficult line to define at times, but I think in general the ideas given here are supposed to be taken as suggestions, never truths. In fact, I think that's how one should approach pretty much everything online.

For example, we're a gay forum. But occasionally we discuss transexuality, which is a hot topic. I might get into a heated discussion for some reason when it comes to that, but whatever I read or understand on the topic is instantly compared to my own world views and whether or not a certain contribution adds to it. If it doesn't, I'll either disagree with it or just carry on.

Honestly, if people just did that, like it used to be with forums a decade ago, many lost friendships, family members and protests wouldn't even have happened. Obviously that advice is something not even I followed when I was younger, so I understand why people are confused as to how to discuss peacefully and actually pay attention to other opinions.
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Re: Grindr

Unread postby edj » Yesterday, 16:02

Whose opinion can I express but my own? Phrases like “IMHO” are redundant. It wouldn’t make sense for me to write “in your honest opinion,” or “in his honest opinion,” would it? However, there are ways to phrase things that don’t make one come across as pedantic—not posting text walls, for one random example.

I was with my husband for 28 years, married since 2014. I can’t say I was 100% faithful, but my transgressions were few and far between, and always committed in secrecy and shame. But I’m not a good liar, and my husband always found out. Finally, he told me he didn’t mind, and he didn’t want to know, as long as I always came back. Strangely, after gaining the permission to seek sex outside the relationship, the need dissipated. I don’t know if it was just me aging, or because I felt liberated. I just know that what mattered in our relationship was honesty, respect, compassion, and unswerving commitment to each other.
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