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Unread postby UndercoverLover » 17 May 2019, 14:52

Hello everyone! I joined here a long while back but have been away from social media and stuff like that for a while. (I only made a few posts anyways) You can call me Mike. Anyways, I'm 31 and I live in Baltimore, MD. I'm new to the LGBT community as I'm not fully out yet. (Honestly, just admitting that I'm gay to a bunch of strangers is hard enough for me) When I say that I'm not fully out, I mean that not everybody in my life knows my sexuality yet..Especially my family, who are hardcore Christians and I grew up with a father that constantly said "at least you're not gay!" and "I don't know what I would do if you or your brother were gay." He's not a bad guy. He's just been raised a certain way and is stuck in his ways. Anyways, since I was a kid I would secretly put on my babysitters clothes and loved it. At first I thought it was just a fetish thing too and maybe I wasn't gay. Maybe in some universe, some straight men like wearing women's clothes.. Plus I was only a kid.(I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body... But I'm too tall and masculine that I doubt it's possible for me to ever become passible.. Even to a blind man.. Although it would be a dream of mine to become a trans woman) I went on into high school only dating girls because that's how I was raised. I never thought of boys in that way...that is until a guy in my class was indirectly flirting with me and would mention gay things about his gay brother and his brothers boyfriend to see how I'd respond to things involving gay sex. (I say this because years later I found out he never had a brother, but was just testing the waters) He talked about a girlfriend he had, that wanted him to get a guy for a threesome.. But the catch was that she wanted me and him to do stuff together too. At first I was like "oh hell no! No way!" But then I thought about it... The idea was kind of hot.. Really hot actually. But I couldn't take him up on it because we knew the same people and I was afraid people would find out. Still, I wanted to be with a man, sexually. So I met someone on AOL instant messenger who was local, but didn't know anyone I knew. This is when I had my first gay sexual encounter and from then I was hooked. This was when I became a sexual deviant. I hooked up with any gay man willing to have sex with me. (With protection of course! My age at the time was usually the only hang up for them) I was like a crackhead except with dick lol. Anyways, I just played it off in my mind as "ok I just like having sex with guys. It's ok. People experiment." But this guy at school kept flirting with me. I never pursued it though until we were both out of school. We hooked up in my car and he was shocked because he always wanted to, but he never thought I would. I couldn't blame him for thinking that... I made him wait long enough. I felt bad because I was giving myself to every gay man around besides the one guy who genuinely liked me. I was out being a slut while this guy actually cared for me. But after that, that's when my worst fears came true. Someone came to me and said "so XXXXX said you had sex with him. Are you gay?" He outed me. I trusted him and he said he wouldn't tell, but he did. I quickly denied it and immediately blocked him from my phone and everything. I was hurt. I was scared. Did he have proof? Would this information spread to everyone? I didn't want to talk to him about it because I was so scared that he would save or record a conversation as proof. Maybe he thought what we had with each other would just turn into a full blown relationship and we wouldn't have to hide anything if he outed me? Later on I let my feelings for him override the fact that I was beyond pissed off at him and I talked to him. He apologized and of course made me forgive him with sweet talk and mind blowing sex. (He always knew how to win me back over) Eventually he moved away with his family, who he had to take care of because of health problems. I was heartbroken. Today he is married. I often wonder what could have been. His husband is a very lucky guy. (I always cry when I think about that. I try to tell myself to get over it and that it was mostly lust, even though deep down I know my feelings for him are there. We still talk sometimes, but we don't see each other because he doesn't think it's a good idea since he's married. I think he still might have feelings too.)
Fast forward some years.. still out there pretending to be straight. Because of this, most men I met only wanted sex... Which I understood, because who wants to hide a relationship? Nobody wants to be with someone they have to be secretive with everywhere they go. I get that. I was ok with that though. Then I got married, to a woman. I thought I could un-gay myself. We did love each other, but things just didn't work out. (go figure... She just recently came out as a lesbian herself and is happily engaged.) At one point over the years, I got severely injured and hooked on painkillers and ended up in jail as a result of my addiction. I was trying to call a family member to try to help bail me out but I didn't have a phone account set up and my 1 minute free call expired. This insanely hot guy (who also was struggling with substance abuse at the time) helped me out. Later on I recognized his name on Facebook when I saw that we had a mutual friend. We started talking and he admitted how attracted he was to me. (He was very direct even though I never told him I was gay. I was still married to my ex wife when I first met him in jail but at the current time we were talking I was divorced) In our texts, he flirted and I flirted back and once he knew I was gay, he asked if I wanted to come over to hook up. He was so sweet though because he saw how nervous I was and we talked for hours before we had the best sex in my entire life. We fell asleep in each other's arms. We continued talking and besides just mind blowing sex, we also had many long conversations and spent time together getting to know each other. I loved him. I still do. Things didn't work because I told him I couldn't keep making him put his life on hold for me because I was too scared to come out. I didn't know and still don't know when I would be ready. I had dreams of being with him and being open about it. He is the only guy I can say that not only did I love him (and still do) but I was 100% comfortable just being me around him. That leads me to today...a gay, in the closet sex addict who let the only two men I truly loved get away because I'm too scared to come out. I know I wrote a novel of a post, but I just wanted to explain myself.
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Re: Hello all

Unread postby Eryx » 17 May 2019, 16:39

Maybe in some universe, some straight men like wearing women's clothes
You don't have to look for another universe, there are straight crossdressers in this one. It's no big deal.
I always cry when I think about that. I try to tell myself to get over it and that it was mostly lust, even though deep down I know my feelings for him are there. We still talk sometimes, but we don't see each other because he doesn't think it's a good idea since he's married. I think he still might have feelings too.
I don't think he's really worth it. Outing you to other people without asking you, going against your request and not caring about how you might feel seem like troublesome behaviors. Maybe now he's gotten better as a human being, but he wasn't that when he was with you.
I loved him. I still do. Things didn't work because I told him I couldn't keep making him put his life on hold for me because I was too scared to come out.
If you really love him, try to move forward for him and yourself. It's nearly impossible to be truly happy without being honest about your feelings. You're dragging yourself down because of other people who are living their lives unsuspecting of all the hurt they're causing you. You're giving away your time in this world for others' feelings, losing the time that you can't know you'll ever be able to recover. You might reach your 60 years old still in the closet having missed the opportunities to raise a loving family and to truly know what love and partnership are. And all... for your father, who actually got to live it all. Worth it to live in fear? It seems to me you already know the answer.

Welcome to the forums, I hope you stick around, and I wish you the best. Please work on that nerve of yours, you deserve to be happy and it's heartbreaking to see someone on their 30s still struggling to do something that can be so simple and so profoundly meaningful.
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Re: Hello all

Unread postby René » 17 May 2019, 16:52

Hey Mike, welcome (back) to GFO :keke:

Just a little tip for the future, when reading long posts it's helpful to have some paragraph separation. I hope you don't mind, I've gone ahead and added some random blank lines below :D

Act I: A beginning
Hello everyone! I joined here a long while back but have been away from social media and stuff like that for a while. (I only made a few posts anyways) You can call me Mike. Anyways, I'm 31 and I live in Baltimore, MD. I'm new to the LGBT community as I'm not fully out yet. (Honestly, just admitting that I'm gay to a bunch of strangers is hard enough for me) When I say that I'm not fully out, I mean that not everybody in my life knows my sexuality yet..Especially my family, who are hardcore Christians and I grew up with a father that constantly said "at least you're not gay!" and "I don't know what I would do if you or your brother were gay."

He's not a bad guy. He's just been raised a certain way and is stuck in his ways. Anyways, since I was a kid I would secretly put on my babysitters clothes and loved it. At first I thought it was just a fetish thing too and maybe I wasn't gay. Maybe in some universe, some straight men like wearing women's clothes.. Plus I was only a kid.(I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body... But I'm too tall and masculine that I doubt it's possible for me to ever become passible.. Even to a blind man..

Although it would be a dream of mine to become a trans woman) I went on into high school only dating girls because that's how I was raised. I never thought of boys in that way...that is until a guy in my class was indirectly flirting with me and would mention gay things about his gay brother and his brothers boyfriend to see how I'd respond to things involving gay sex. (I say this because years later I found out he never had a brother, but was just testing the waters)

He talked about a girlfriend he had, that wanted him to get a guy for a threesome.. But the catch was that she wanted me and him to do stuff together too. At first I was like "oh hell no! No way!" But then I thought about it... The idea was kind of hot.. Really hot actually. But I couldn't take him up on it because we knew the same people and I was afraid people would find out. Still, I wanted to be with a man, sexually.

So I met someone on AOL instant messenger who was local, but didn't know anyone I knew. This is when I had my first gay sexual encounter and from then I was hooked. This was when I became a sexual deviant. I hooked up with any gay man willing to have sex with me. (With protection of course! My age at the time was usually the only hang up for them) I was like a crackhead except with dick lol. Anyways, I just played it off in my mind as "ok I just like having sex with guys. It's ok. People experiment."

But this guy at school kept flirting with me. I never pursued it though until we were both out of school. We hooked up in my car and he was shocked because he always wanted to, but he never thought I would. I couldn't blame him for thinking that... I made him wait long enough. I felt bad because I was giving myself to every gay man around besides the one guy who genuinely liked me. I was out being a slut while this guy actually cared for me.

But after that, that's when my worst fears came true. Someone came to me and said "so XXXXX said you had sex with him. Are you gay?" He outed me. I trusted him and he said he wouldn't tell, but he did. I quickly denied it and immediately blocked him from my phone and everything. I was hurt. I was scared. Did he have proof? Would this information spread to everyone?

I didn't want to talk to him about it because I was so scared that he would save or record a conversation as proof. Maybe he thought what we had with each other would just turn into a full blown relationship and we wouldn't have to hide anything if he outed me? Later on I let my feelings for him override the fact that I was beyond pissed off at him and I talked to him. He apologized and of course made me forgive him with sweet talk and mind blowing sex. (He always knew how to win me back over)

Eventually he moved away with his family, who he had to take care of because of health problems. I was heartbroken. Today he is married. I often wonder what could have been. His husband is a very lucky guy. (I always cry when I think about that. I try to tell myself to get over it and that it was mostly lust, even though deep down I know my feelings for him are there. We still talk sometimes, but we don't see each other because he doesn't think it's a good idea since he's married. I think he still might have feelings too.)

Act II
Fast forward some years.. still out there pretending to be straight. Because of this, most men I met only wanted sex... Which I understood, because who wants to hide a relationship? Nobody wants to be with someone they have to be secretive with everywhere they go. I get that. I was ok with that though. Then I got married, to a woman. I thought I could un-gay myself. We did love each other, but things just didn't work out. (go figure... She just recently came out as a lesbian herself and is happily engaged.)

At one point over the years, I got severely injured and hooked on painkillers and ended up in jail as a result of my addiction. I was trying to call a family member to try to help bail me out but I didn't have a phone account set up and my 1 minute free call expired. This insanely hot guy (who also was struggling with substance abuse at the time) helped me out.

Later on I recognized his name on Facebook when I saw that we had a mutual friend. We started talking and he admitted how attracted he was to me. (He was very direct even though I never told him I was gay. I was still married to my ex wife when I first met him in jail but at the current time we were talking I was divorced) In our texts, he flirted and I flirted back and once he knew I was gay, he asked if I wanted to come over to hook up.

He was so sweet though because he saw how nervous I was and we talked for hours before we had the best sex in my entire life. We fell asleep in each other's arms. We continued talking and besides just mind blowing sex, we also had many long conversations and spent time together getting to know each other. I loved him. I still do. Things didn't work because I told him I couldn't keep making him put his life on hold for me because I was too scared to come out. I didn't know and still don't know when I would be ready.

I had dreams of being with him and being open about it. He is the only guy I can say that not only did I love him (and still do) but I was 100% comfortable just being me around him. That leads me to today...a gay, in the closet sex addict who let the only two men I truly loved get away because I'm too scared to come out. I know I wrote a novel of a post, but I just wanted to explain myself.

I'll read your post now!
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Re: Hello all

Unread postby René » 18 May 2019, 22:25

I think I did okay with the random enters :D

Anyway... :hug: :hug: :hug:

I agree wholeheartedly with Eryx. You seem like a really great guy and the thought of you being so lonely is just... really sad. Don't let this go on. It has been my experience that the longer you let things like this go on, the more you build them up in your head and the bigger the mental barriers you create for yourself will be. It's not going to get any easier. At some point, you have to start living your life — either near the people you've been around so far or away from them. You deserve so much more than you're getting.

I think you're going to make someone really happy. :3

And eventually, your family will have to see sense. Actually, it seems to be pretty common for religious conservatives to stop being homophobes once someone close to them turns out to be gay. I've seen this in my own family, in fact. My family is full of orthodox and evangelical Christians, and some of them made their anti-gay feelings pretty clear. Then I came out as gay, one cousin came out as a lesbian, one cousin came out as bi... now we've all got a partner of the same sex, and our family members treat us all with love. I haven't heard anything homophobic out of them in many years. Even my 87-year-old very orthodox Christian grandmother couldn't be any happier for us.
(It may be a little different on this side of the Atlantic, particularly I suppose in the Netherlands where I grew up, but I've heard quite a few stories like this from the US too.)

I also hope you'll stick around and that you'll get something out of being here. :keke:
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