Hello I'm lost but with a lust for now.

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Hello I'm lost but with a lust for now.

Unread postby Benjigalaxy » 11 January 2022, 14:29

Hello,

My name is Benjamin. Living in Brussels.
I'm 32, working as an artist (comics author, engraver, musician).
I was born and raised in Senegal where I often go whenever I have time and money, to see my dad.
My mother left from cancer a couple of years ago, thankfully her spirit is still alive in my little half brother and I.

I've been overlooking some threads and given answers on this forum : I saw a lot of care, thanks already for your attention.

A part of me always told me I was gay. It was a whispering voice in my head while high on weed (since 16 years old). I wouldn't listen, thinking I was just high and environed by my high school friends, entangled in a cis hetero mindset ; also by having my father (whom I lived with) being an alcoholic, himself suffering from some kind of voice inside of him.

I've been into relations with girls all my life but I was never satisfied (I could never find peace of mind, was feeling judged, felt like an usurper).
Today i'm writing because I just (yesterday and the day before) spent my soul and 150 bucks on a Russian (or Ukrainian) website to jerk off with girls on camera. Usually, I just watch porn - a lot : lesbian porn mostly, because I was disgusted to see men and dicks (I don't mean to be rude), and a lot of hardcore stuff relating to ass. This even though -having red King Kong Theory , I know I just wanted to take the girl's place.
I'm writing because I can't assume being bisexual in theory, when in acts I watch weird porn and don't feel good, knowing my way of being with girls is biased. I feel like I want to come out as gay but I don't love my self the way I built myself all these years.
There I am, I've lived twenty years without a part of me I desire. Today, I don't know, I think I should shave, dress, make up : I feel like I can't accept a man next to me if I'm not the man I want to be. That is a step, for I learned to hate superficiality (women ?) and worship essence. Then I will have to come out to my father, which is really important for me, but I'm scared it will lead to nothing. Hence, thank you for reading <3.

Besides that, I love all type of music but metal defines me right now (black metal, gothic...), all the anime crap (in the form of books mainly) and video games for sure (strategy, rpgs, jrpgs).

I am half black, born and raised in Senegal in an environment that almost secretly and consistently puts the black body and mind in the cheap part of the love game. I reproduced this scheme for 20 years, struggled with it, watching vanilla porn. I think loving myself won't go without rehabilitating the black part of me but I don't know where to start ; there is a deep hole in between black and white in me, and a lack of love, that's for sure. That also kept me away from any political commitment - the usurper strikes again. All this was just surviving.

Still I'm not desperate, and wish you all a marvellous life ! (song playing : "My whole world is coming appart" from John Maus)

Thank you for reading, it feels very good to write that down in a public space. Really looking forward to any similar experience or any hint.

Benjamin
Last edited by Benjigalaxy on 12 January 2022, 20:08, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Hello I'm Benjamin, lost but with a lust for now.

Unread postby René » 11 January 2022, 15:54

Hey Benjamin, welcome to the forum! I'm glad you've found a place where you feel you can talk about this stuff :)

I have to say, your post seems very focused on sexual feelings. Do you experience romantic feelings for men as well?

By the way, I'm always puzzled when people seem to relate traditionally feminine things like shaving their body hair and wearing make-up with being gay. From my perspective, they have nothing to do with each other. :P
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Re: Hello I'm Benjamin, lost but with a lust for now.

Unread postby Benjigalaxy » 11 January 2022, 19:13

Hey René, thanks for the welcome
and the reply :).

Do I have to understand by your answer that if I was only sexualy attracted, it can remain so and may not imply any romanticism ?
Because as long as I can remember, visual is what triggers me at first : still, I've been touched in my heart when I did not think so at first, through conversations, by men yes.

I agree, I was talking about my self, I did not intend to indentify gay and historically feminine usages.

Those are simple questions that you ask right now, and they are the most difficult to answer haha, because I can't refer to anything in my life to consider myself as gay, except a voice when I smoked, my first sexual experiences when I was a little boy, and the many stuff I did when I was discovering drugs while in Art school.
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Re: Hello I'm Benjamin, lost but with a lust for now.

Unread postby Eryx » 11 January 2022, 20:03

Very interesting post. Welcome to the forums. Do you already go to therapy? You definitely should. It's a good starting point to get in touch with your inner sexuality and learn to deal with it. After all, once you start accepting yourself a bit more day by day, the bad feelings start going away too, it's just a normal living experience with some caveats.

The way you write is pretty beautiful, I enjoyed reading this.

Anyway, yeah, have a lot of talks with yourself and go to therapy. It will do you wonders to build this bridge with a part of you you've neglected so far. You won't regret it.
Last edited by Eryx on 11 January 2022, 20:34, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Hello I'm Benjamin, lost but with a lust for now.

Unread postby pozzie » 11 January 2022, 20:22

I join René's and Eryx's welcome!

It's never easy feeling "in between": in between two countries, two cultures, two races, two parents, two sexualities. You're packing a lot internally and it's not going to be easy to deal with. If you ever find a half-Belgian, half-African, bisexual therapist or counselor, it would be great to pick their brain: some of us have lived "in between" in an aspect of our lives, but not as many as you are living in between, That makes it harder for us to completely understand the complexity though I think many of us are able to empathize and at least understand the difficulties superficially.

First and foremost, just be yourself. Your full self. Your whole self. The self you are most comfortable inhabiting. Second, be open to exploration, trying things out, having new experiences, getting to know new people. I can't tell you what your future holds, but you have the choice of how open or closed you want to be to life. Try to think of your situation positively: it's not coming apart, you're just seeing possibilities that might work for you.

I'd also hold off on talking to family unless people like your father are really cool, accepting, and not threatened by homosexuality. Can't say that of most of my own family and the negativity has definitely been harmful to me. (We no longer have any contact.) Until you are more certain of what you are personally comfortable with, I'd just hold off talking about it. Is your family pressuring you to marry or anything?

I do wish you only the best as you sort through all these things and we're here for you when you want to write about it. And like you've said, sometimes it's just good to get it out there rather than hold it inside, so there is always that as well.

Hope you feel free to join in our conversations too!
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Re: Hello I'm Benjamin, lost but with a lust for now.

Unread postby Benjigalaxy » 12 January 2022, 12:57

Hi Eryx,

Thank you for your reply and kindness, and you know what: that is actually exactly what I should do haha 😊. I tried to see a psychologist that combines all these traits, like Pozzie said (Hi Pozzie, thank you too, good to read your comments guys) – I was a little scared because she was a woman, but she wasn’t even available at all due to too much patients because of the pandemics. I’m putting that on the top of my list for when I will be back in Brussels.

Also, Pozzie, thank you about your thoughts and personal experience on coming out, I’ll take it that way and wait for forthcoming conversations with a proper therapist. This as I actually don’t suffer any pressure for marriage: my father, who is my family at the moment, does not put any pressure of any kind on me. I assume I’m expecting something of my proper legitimacy to be the way I want in his words, while I just have to reach for it myself.

Pozzie, Eryx, René, thank you all for your words and making me feel better and welcome.
I’ll keep an eye on what’s said in the forum for sure : two days talking to you and I feel better, I’m grateful.
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Re: Hello I'm lost but with a lust for now.

Unread postby asianduck888 » 13 January 2022, 15:24

your post really long but, i've read it all.

hey you are making comics, i am making animation yeah still amateur. but if you have any simple project we might can collab.
I think you just confuse and haven't find yourself. maybe lack of care you got from other people and you need some one who care and listen that you haven't got enough from your previous partner. i don't suggest you top smoking weed if you enjoy doing that, but the voices you heard isn't right when you are high. how you describe u are bi if you don't like to see men dick and ass, that is very strange

welcome!
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