New And curious bisexual member from Michigan

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New And curious bisexual member from Michigan

Unread postby NickLace23 » 3 October 2020, 00:37

Hi, I’m new here.
Honestly I just want to write something to let it out, and hopefully I can get some advices?
I’ve been attracted to men for a while now but my life and its surrounding are my obstacles of me coming out. When I get a chance and privacy, I’d cry about it. But as soon as someone enter the space then I’d have to turn back to the person that they are accustomed to. :(
I can’t just be the only one with this problem. Is anyone here went thru this?
Thanks for having me here.
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Re: New And curious bisexual member from Michigan

Unread postby René » 3 October 2020, 01:15

Hey Nick, welcome to the forum :)

I'm curious... How does the real you differ from the person people are accustomed to? Does being bi make that much of a difference in day-to-day situations?
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Re: New And curious bisexual member from Michigan

Unread postby NickLace23 » 3 October 2020, 02:00

Because I am married with kids. Asian culture is very harsh on the idea of homosexuality.
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Re: New And curious bisexual member from Michigan

Unread postby René » 3 October 2020, 02:21

Ahh, you mentioned Michigan so I didn't see the Asian connection!

Does it really change how you behave at home, though? I mean, I hope you love your wife and kids. In a way, being attracted to men is no different from occasionally finding another woman than your wife attractive, surely?

It's like... I realised I was gay at age 14 when I was living with my parents and siblings, but that didn't suddenly make me a different person or change anything about the way I interacted with anybody, really.

I hope I'm making some sense?

I can see how it would be more problematic if you'd realised you were gay, but it seems like being bi should be compatible with the life you've been living... unless I'm missing something?
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Re: New And curious bisexual member from Michigan

Unread postby NickLace23 » 3 October 2020, 02:37

No, I think I’d still be the same person. I loves my family so much, that I think the idea of me coming out would just destroy them. :( that’s why I cries.
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Re: New And curious bisexual member from Michigan

Unread postby René » 3 October 2020, 03:13

NickLace23 wrote:No, I think I’d still be the same person. I loves my family so much, that I think the idea of me coming out would just destroy them. :( that’s why I cries.

Awww... :hug:

If you think they'll react poorly... does it feel very important for them all to eventually know?

Are they likely to be affected by the fact that you're bi?
Or does it just feel sort of dishonest not to open up to them about this part of yourself?
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Re: New And curious bisexual member from Michigan

Unread postby NickLace23 » 3 October 2020, 04:14

Dishonest to myself yes. And I don’t know if it’s affect them, I just think it would. At first I thought to myself that this is just a phrase that eventually will go away. 7 years now and I’m still dealing with it in secrecy
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Re: New And curious bisexual member from Michigan

Unread postby ChrisWanderby » 3 October 2020, 04:18

:) Hi Nick,

I'm so sorry that you cry about this, but I understand how much torment it can create. Social conditioning brings all kinds of challenges for people who don't see a place for themselves in society w/out a sense of shame.

I think Rene touched on perhaps a key point, in that there's likely a sense of guilt that when you feel that same sex attraction it somehow betrays your marriage vows and likely your best friend, i.e. your wife.

I wouldn't say I'm attracted to men on the street, but the thought of it is extremely arousing. Of course there are many places on line where one can indulge in somewhat disconnected sex with other men. In the past when home alone for a week or so, I've cammed with other men, but carry an awful lot of guilt around it if I bring it to a climax, so to speak. ;-) I avoid doing that these days as it sits better with me in terms of guilt.

My wife knows that there are elements of same sex that'll turn me on, if for example we see a movie where there's a gay theme or encounter. She knows that the sex we'll have will be me imagining I'm with a man. The first sex I had was with a man in pantyhose, and have enjoyed wearing all kinds of nylon and lace over the years, but beyond being on a few websites, I've never felt the need to actually do anything more about it.

I think what I'm saying overall, and hopefully it's of some comfort is that it is an awful lot easier when your partner knows and still feels safe in the relationship. You mentioned being from an Asian culture. How does your wife react if you see some gay encounters on tv or in a film. Does she ever comment on it? What does she say?

Further, as Rene also says, it's not at all binary. We're all on a spectrum and even where one sits on that spectrum fluctuates depending on the environment. I know for a fact that if I happened upon two men making out, and especially if they were dressed in nothing but pantyhose I would be hard pushed to not strip off and join in, I know I would, full stop. If I went to Club Linger in London, UK for example, I would dress up in hose and play with other men, no question, but am I about to do actually do that or is the fantasy of it enough and would potentially be spoiled by the reality? Maybe, maybe not... Even if I did, I don't think it would define me, or how capable I am of love and lovemaking with my wife.

Given sexuality's non-binary nature, I don't think you need to come out as gay to your family.

My advice overall? Try to hold it a little lighter. Don't beat yourself up, life's too short.
:-)
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Re: New And curious bisexual member from Michigan

Unread postby NickLace23 » 3 October 2020, 10:55

Thank you all for yours advices, and for taking your times to write them. I guess I still has a lot of thinking to do.
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