New to forum and to the “culture” but not to messing around with guys.

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New to forum and to the “culture” but not to messing around with guys.

Unread postby pppppp42 » 27 June 2021, 19:15

I’m not even sure what I’m all trying to do here on this board, free therapy maybe? I dunno.
Sorry since I can tell this will get really long.

I’m 40 so I feel old, maybe too old for most of the social culture I see.

I’m bi and always have been and I have gotten the slight feeling from various sources that I would be frowned upon by both sides for not picking one or the other. I want to experience emotional and physical connections with all sorts of people freely so I couldn’t imagine eliminating half the potential population.

I’m also very unhappily married to a woman and it feels more and more temporary every day and its really just my six year old daughter that keeps me sticking with it.
It’s not the fact that she is a woman that causes me to at least be not physically attracted to her, she totally let herself go physically after we were married whereas I am the opposite and feel I should keep myself in the best shape I can for her which I do by exercising for at least an hour every night.
More importantly she is also the type of person that genuinely can’t understand other peoples desires and emotions and I either go along with everything she wants or I get called mean.
The worst part is that its not a malicious sort of thing, its truly just her being empathically clueless.

As far as my experience I really enjoyed and got good at messing around in bed with my guy friends when I was in my teens and twenties. Moving to horrible country bumpkin conservative hick podunk (can you tell how I feel about it? :) ) for financial reasons pretty well cancelled all that, though I would have done more of it if it wasn’t so near impossible here.
Besides what is a legitimate sex addiction and a craving for the physical pleasure and closeness, I truly loved the much deeper emotional connection that I had with the friends I was sleeping with back then. That’s strangely the part I miss most now as I have almost zero emotional connection now in my current relationship.

I happen to be almost a 50/50 split of the rarest and possibly most emo personality types, INFP and INFJ (both -t) so being in an emotionless relationship is a bit of a nightmare and I’ve given up on my one sided efforts to make it work. It’s sort of in my nature to be there for other people but you eventually just burn out. I always feel other peoples emotions and connect with them which always made sex soooo much more enjoyable when it was someone who was open and available emotionally.

I think what is driving me back to the gay culture is the fact that I really want friends that are actually emotionally available. It’s not even just a desire for sex, I’m pretty much depressed all the time now and some times I just really want a freaking hug and a good listener. Good luck finding that in a straight guy out where I’m stuck living, and trying to balance that sort of relationship with another girl would be a nightmare especially while I’m still married.

I am super intimidated by strangely rigid and overly complicated culture I would be getting to if I got gay friends, but thats a topic for another thread.
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Re: New to forum and to the “culture” but not to messing around with g

Unread postby Jzone » 28 June 2021, 10:19

Welcome to the forum. That is a fucking sad story. Are you sure you want free therapy here? Sometimes we get what we pay for.

I can be very blunt and tell you what I think about anyone staying in a miserable marriage (from the sound of it) for the sake of their child. I hesitate to do that before establishing at least a little trust and respect through some less serious threads, but you jumped right in. Maybe a little light-hearted banter about movies, music, pets, cooking, or what made you laugh today would be a wiser start. If you don't want to beat around the bush, that's ok too.

Hopefully you will find some value in the forum, one way or another.
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Re: New to forum and to the “culture” but not to messing around with g

Unread postby Eryx » 28 June 2021, 17:03

First step definitely seems to be getting a divorce. Most kids grow up with divorced parents now, it won't be that awful for your kid if you handle it all well.
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Re: New to forum and to the “culture” but not to messing around with g

Unread postby pppppp42 » 28 June 2021, 17:27

I debated saying less, but I figured what the hell, I’m not going to run crying if people were mean to me or something.

Funny thing is the board is actually somewhat therapeutic for me even from day one since I am somehow stuck with the programming in my head to help people that seem to both really need and deserve it, and just trying to give people whatever advice I have on their problems or encouragement in their lives or even just someone to listen to them makes me feel good.
I do get along fine with my wife, but we are more like roommates. If things were really ugly I would split but I am so reluctant to when its just my happiness that is the issue and I won’t put that over someone else’s.
I think if I could pull off finding a small group of nice gay friends that had the sort of emotional openness and understanding that I crave I could get by just fine at least until the kid is older.
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Re: New to forum and to the “culture” but not to messing around with g

Unread postby Jzone » 29 June 2021, 04:05

pppppp42 wrote:Funny thing is the board is actually somewhat therapeutic for me even from day one since I am somehow stuck with the programming in my head to help people that seem to both really need and deserve it, and just trying to give people whatever advice I have on their problems or encouragement in their lives or even just someone to listen to them makes me feel good.

Glad to hear you are getting some positive effect from sharing here. I don't go in for the Myers Briggs stuff. There are things you can change about who you are, and if always putting others first leaves taking care of yourself out, I recommend trying to change that.

I do get along fine with my wife, but we are more like roommates. If things were really ugly I would split but I am so reluctant to when its just my happiness that is the issue and I won’t put that over someone else’s.

"Just my happiness..." What else do we have? Happiness may be overrated but your well-being is your responsibility and you can't help others from a position of weakness. I do not honor ongoing self-sacrifice. Ideally a marriage is a mutually beneficial relationship, with a tender balance between both partners.

I think if I could pull off finding a small group of nice gay friends that had the sort of emotional openness and understanding that I crave I could get by just fine at least until the kid is older.

That sounds hopeful, but is it realistic where you live? If you find some nice gay friends will you be tempted to seek the physical intimacy you crave from them? When exactly will the kid be "older"? When does the potential of having an emotionally healthy father outweigh the benefit of having married, but unhappy, parents? Tough questions, and I don't pretend to have your answers.
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