The step that I am afraid to take

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The step that I am afraid to take

Unread postby Thoughts » 4 May 2019, 09:04

I got my morning coffee’s worth of epiphany this morning. I did have my coffee before-hand, but this woke me up even better, even though it’s been probably a couple of weeks since I’ve had my last cup. I am not really sure what I actually had. It’s just made me look up the meaning of the word, because it felt like that’s what I feel. I am not a native English speaker, so I wasn’t entirely sure. What I really mean is that I feel like I need to channel something out of me and since I feel like I can’t exactly talk to anyone directly who would mean something to me, I just need to turn into writing. Just writing these thoughts and information out of me so it’s there. For anyone to read who wishes to.

A large amount of people will probably quit reading this after the next paragraph and it’s fine. I don’t blame anyone for what their unconsciousness does to them and how it makes them act. I it’s sure will-power that leads to that decision, it’s fine. We are not at a place in this world to be accepting of all things yet and I believe we should not always blame ourselves for that. It’s the history that has led us where we are now and even though we feel like we are in control of ourselves, we can be very surprised how long we still have to go to be in full control of our decisions and views.

I was born in a loving non-religious family that’s been through some more poor times and some more not-so poor times. My family has never been rich in money – that I can say for sure. I have never really known that though, because I have always had warm house to live in and enough food on the table to not feel hungry. I’ve grown up in a small village where everybody knows each other in someway, at least by stories. I’ve found some great friends along the way of me growing up and they still consider me as their friend and so do I. I didn’t have an easy childhood though and it still is having an effect on my life. To be honest, I am not sure how I am still so lucky to always find good opportunities in my life and leave those experiences with a humongous respect and love from the people I was sharing those with. I was bullied at my primary school and funnily enough, some of those bullies now consider as one of their best friends if not the best friend. It’s funny how life works and I feel like I have a front row seat in seeing it play out in front of me. The reason why I was chosen as the one to be bullied was very common – I was different. That’s why I find it really interesting to see how people were in their childhood, because they just are who they are and do not realize they need to change something or surpress a part of themselves before it is pointed out by the general society around you. Just to have a more comfortable experience as a child, it’s natural really. We are born as a blank sheet to this planet, but there have been people here before us. A lot of people. People who have designed they way this society works today. Sometimes I just ask myself why I should accept the fact that there are laws and ways of life that I never had any part of creating, but then I realize I am just spoiled. I have never had to spend my days trying to find shelter and food to survive. This is just what is necessary in order for me to survive. 1 against 7 billion is not going to help me survive. I was considered to be gay in my school. I did not agree with that, but it’s difficult to go against odds to explain people what you believe you are. We are still living in the anilmal kingdom and I was most definitely not the lion of the group. To be honest, even though I was confident and always willing to have my say to the people for what I believe to be true it did not help much. I wasn’t alone though. I had many friends and I like to believe I was popular among the people who cared for me. When you’re trying to be a confident person who loves his friends and wants his friends to love him back as well, it’s difficult when you’re getting pushed to the girls bathroom with the door being held. It’s an uncomfortable situation when you have to fight the bullies with the girls who have just finished peeing in the bathroom. After you’re done with your day and walking home, you notice small rock thrown at you and the words „faggot” yelled at you. This is ultimately probably what crushed me during my childhood and why I am a much more deep-thinking person in my life.

Now, at 24, I have major confidence issues, go tomato red form my face when I feel uncomfortable and have had to run to the emergency room because I was feeling completely anxious and physically awful for a long period of time, only to find out I am struggling with depression. The thing is though, that I love life. I love my family. I absolutely love the friends that I have right now and how I am developing myself in my career at that young age. I always find it so surprising how I am always getting the jobs I want and the promotions I apply for. Also the opportunities that have come to my life and how I grab a hold of them and just finish what I start and bring great friends alongside that.

Now I am at a position of my life where I have so many amazing people around me who really love me for who I am. Or who I seem to be for them. The thing is, around one point during my primary school, I did realize myself that I was actually gay. It’s funny – everyone was telling me this all along but I found this out very late. To all the straight people reading this, I have had a lot of time to think about this. At least 10 years worth of thinking, because this is roughly the amount of time I have been aware that I am gay, has confirmed to me that being gay is most definitely not a choice. If it was a choice, I would not choose that. I have not told anyone I am gay. It’s still just me. No one is bullying me gay anymore. Everyone is just enjoying my company. When discussion turns into gays and lesbians, it’s usually quite negative by most of the people. Unfortunately mostly by my closest friends. And I do sincerely love my close friends, even though they have these kind of views in their mind. I understand them. It’s not their aggressions, it’s just their lack of knowledge on the subject. I am not very strongly defending the gays and lesbians during those discussions, because I still have the habit of turning tomato-red from my face when I feel uncomfortable, so I usually just try to do something else or change the subject during that time.
Now to the main situation I am currently facing. I feel like I am being surrounded by friends who love me, who I am not sure would love me if they knew the real me. And this is a bad situation to be in. In the end you feel surrounded by all those great friends but are not even sure if any of those are even your friends.

I am surrounded by a loving family, but I feel they would reject me if they knew I was gay. Probably not my mom, but definitely my dad.

I know that I will never have children I can raise that are going to spend this life with me and support me when I am older.

I am afraid of telling the truth to the people, because I don’t want to lose those people from my life. I love them. But I feel alone.
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Re: The step that I am afraid to take

Unread postby rxxli » 4 May 2019, 11:07

Well that story is definitely quite similar to mine. Although I was never bullied for being gay. I was bullied just because, and I later also became friends with one of those former bullies.

I had my first real coming out experience last year when I was 25. I told my parents, even though I suspected that they may not be ok with it. But I did tell them because I wanted to bring some guy home and I didn’t want him to be “just a friend” (even though in the end he wasn’t even that). So I told them. What I got was my father pretty much telling me that he doesn’t like it and my mother laughing uncontrollably. That was pretty much it. We never talked it about again. I brought the guy home a few times and then I stopped bringing him. Nobody asked me why or anything. But the most important part for me is - they know now. Nothing has really changed though.

As for my friends (I don’t really have many). I told my best friend this year and he was fine with it. But I pretty much knew that he would be. The right opportunity just didn’t come before then I guess.

My advice... try to start with one friend. Possibly with one that you know will accept you for who you are.
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