12 years hetero married but bi

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12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby MattPSmith » 12 January 2020, 13:45

Im really feeling lost right now and i was hoping i might find some help here, where to begin?

I'll try and keep this short. So i am bi, the first real relationship i was ever in was with a guy, it lasted 5 years, then out of nowhere he just up and left, not long after i met this GREAT woman we had so much in common blah blah blah anywho we got married and had a child.

When we met i told her i was bi and i had to fight hard to keep her ( she kept thinking i would cheat BECAUSE im bi) I love my wife and son to death and i will never cheat on her, but lately i find myself looking at men alot! for the last year or so any "dream" i have is men, sex feels like its just for show, i can only masturbate to gay porn etc.

I tried speaking to her about it and she got very upset telling me that she thought i was straight now :facepalm2: i cant speak to her about it and she is my bedt friend wtf do i do??
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Re: 12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby MattPSmith » 13 January 2020, 21:55

:werd:
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Re: 12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby Eryx » 14 January 2020, 12:44

Sorry dude, I read your post and I wish I could help, but I don't know what I'd do in your situation... I mean, having feelings for other people after so long must be normal in any case, right? Even if you were exclusively straight, from what I could observe of other people's relationships, you're around that time when other people start being attractive again. Some couples decide to suck it up and stick to their partnerships, and some couples have a conversation and decide to try for love yet again.

All I think you can do is weight everything out in a balance and figure out what are the most important aspects of your life. Is it being with her and caring for your child together? Is it having both things and managing to convince her through dialogue that you both should be able to see other people casually? Is it changing your family and seeking happiness through different paths? Only time and yourself will tell.

Good luck!
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Re: 12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby MattPSmith » 14 January 2020, 14:57

Fuck!

Thanks for atleast replying, i guess i was just hoping for a gay yoda or something...
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Re: 12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby René » 14 January 2020, 21:15

MattPSmith wrote:Fuck!

Thanks for atleast replying, i guess i was just hoping for a gay yoda or something...

I think Eryx may be the closest thing we have!
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Re: 12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 15 January 2020, 06:16

Have you thought about finding a good counselor to ta

lk this out with? Like with any serious life affecting event, only YOU can decide what to do because you are the one that has to put up with any consequences. All the more reason to pay someone to help you figure this out...

I'll mention my thoughts, just to give a different perspective, but it should only be taken as my own personal thoughts -- not something that you should necessarily follow by any means...>

I just turned 60, so I'm a lot older than you. If you must label me, I guess you should use the term gay. I do not find the female body gross by any means as some gays claim to feel. Rather, my attraction for men is so much more stronger physically and sexually.

For MANY years for myself, I was very unsatisfied with gay relationships -- they were so temporary/fleeting... In my 20's I was determined that m2m love would never give me what I wanted -- which was a place to call home that included another man. So I had a 3 pronged approach:

1) find one of those groups that believed sexuality could be changed.

2) Try it with a woman.

3) Make sure I was fertile, and if so go find a woman I would want to marry.

Well on #1, I tried two different groups. Note they were based on a religious "cure". Perhaps all of them are that way. All I know was that these two were that way.. The first group I tried had a leader who was strange. He stated he was str8, but called by God to "save" homosexuals. The weird part was that he loved to touch my hair and saying it was beautiful. Ok, perhaps he was a str8 heterosexual hair stylist in a prior life. ANyway, it was just SO non-str8 to me, that I wondered if he was an EXTREME closeted case. I am glad someone likes my hair, but it is JUST hair. There is nothing so much better than my hair than someone else's, and now at my age, my hair is thin at the crown, etc. Anyway, I decided I passed that particular group as being "more str8 acting" than the so-called "str8" leader. So then I found another group. That leader was so much my type physically (hairy galore!). To not stare at him, I had to focus on the charastics I didn't like about him. He had a stereotypical gay love of shopping. His eyes would get large, and his face would have a glow about it whenever he talked about shopping -- and no I don't mean for lumber, cars, computers... Rather the usual stuff like clothing, etc. So I would focus on that and not obsess with him.. Well about two or three months later, he disbanded the group. What happened is that his "best friend" (another "former" homosexual) confided to him that he was madly in love with him. It freaked him out to the point he couldn't deal with it. Well about 6 months later I ran into him at a cruise park, and he said he was there to prove that "str8" men like himself had just as much right to be at the park as homosexuals. Anyway, he was hungry, so I took him to a restaurant. I figured it was the least I could do since he had hosted all those meetings in the past. Well he talked about his "budding" heterosexually and kept staring at the waitress. It seemed SO FAKE and rehearsed. Anyway, he needed a place to stay for the night, so I let him stay in my spare bedroom. Some of my relatives (female) were staying with me at the time. He asked if they would wash his clothes... It seemed like such a sexist request. I simply told him not to worry. His clothes would be washed. I simply did it myself. Not because of some effeminate characstic of mine, but simply because it wasn't appropriate to ask my elderly relatives to do it simply because they were female. He left the next day, and I never saw him again.

I figured I kind of passed that first phase as I was less messed up than the leaders of BOTH groups.

So then on to phase #2: I did have sex with a woman, but it was strange as her husband was also present. He simply enjoyed men -- either getting them off himself or bring his wife in and having her fucked. It was ok, but she was rather loose -- I kind of felt like I was getting off with wet pile of loose feathers. Well I figured I passed that too, after all I couldn't categorize all women based on a woman in her 50's (I was mid 20's) who had given birth to multiple children...

So then on to the last phase.... I failed miserably. My sperm count was so low -- it was in the 10's -- not 100's or 1,000's or 10,000's. I don;t know why as I never got injured nor had mumps. I had all sorts of tests including a testicle biopsy. I simply don't produce much sperm.

That ruined the idea of getting married to a woman. I had always wanted to sire kids. Perhaps it was for the wrong reason. I wanted to prove the family story wrong, that my male ancestry simply wasn't cut out to be loving to their own sons. For years, I had fantasized about loving a son, unlike the way my dad was towards me.

I still regret that I could not sire kids. Now i suppose that assuming I still produce a tiny amount of sperm, that perhaps with modern science and surrogacy, it could be accomplished. However, IF possible, I would spend more money on the creation of a child instead of providing for him/her -- since I'm not wealthy..

It would have been possible for me to love a woman. It just wouldn't be as intense as my longing for a man. For me, my particular desire for men is probably magnified because of my history of having bad relationship with my dad, and the fact that my dear grandpa who I lived with as a child died when I was only 7.5 years old.

Note, I sometimes wonder if I would have been a horrible dad. Perhaps I would have been SO depressed when it was time for him to move out and become his own person. Then perhaps I would have become an undesirable husband once there was no other man/boy in the household.

Though siring children will always be my biggest failure, I had no control over it. Note, I continued to have m2m relationships that left so much to be desired after I found out I was infertile...

Then about 17 years ago, I corresponded with my man, and eventually we moved in together. I'm so happy that he had the opportunity to be married and have kids. His whole demeanor isi so happy when his son and grandkids are around him.

If tomorrow a miracle happened and suddenly I was fertile and able to sire, I wouldn't have the heart to leave my man. (Well, I suppose I could make a sperm donation. However, now with my diabetes, I doubt that any woman would pick my sperm)

I do wish you well on your difficult journey. If I had the opportunity to have a wife and son when I was your age, I just wouldn't have the heart to end the relationship -- at least while the children were growing up. Childhood goes by so fast, and I cannot imagine how difficult it is for week-end fathers. Plus at a certain age, kids have their friends and activities, so parents have to squeeze in time before their kids are all grown and gone.

As I said when I started this, the answers of what to do have to come from within you. I would hope a good, fair counselor for just yourself, might help you get to those answers you seek.

Best Wishes on your journey!
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Re: 12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby René » 15 January 2020, 06:44

NobodySpecial wrote:I do not find the female body gross by any means as some gays claim to feel.

What's this claim business? :oface:
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Re: 12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby GearFetTwinkRomance » 15 January 2020, 07:01

MattPSmith wrote:I tried speaking to her about it and she got very upset telling me that she thought i was straight now :facepalm2: i cant speak to her about it and she is my bedt friend wtf do i do??


It may help her to learn that sexual orientation usually does not change just by living with a certain sex of partner. Like hopes to wean off the m2m desires or something, doesn't work like that. Maybe try to work your way toward her find acceptance, as she was okay to marry and life life with you as a bisexual man all that time.
As long as you don't secretly cheat on her, there could be some possible solution toward threesomes, house friend or something. If it would even be just watching m2m porn and do a little J/o game, once in a while.

I guess, else, there's the option to break up, but I guess, that is what you want least, and just for some hopes on adventures to throw away one's relationship, could one be so desperate? Just my thoughts, I don't know what this must be like.
----------------------
NobodySpecial wrote:Well on #1, I tried two different groups. Note they were based on a religious "cure". Perhaps all of them are that way. All I know was that these two were that way.. The first group I tried had a leader who was strange. He stated he was str8, but called by God to "save" homosexuals. The weird part was that he loved to touch my hair and saying it was beautiful. Ok, perhaps he was a str8 heterosexual hair stylist in a prior life. ANyway, it was just SO non-str8 to me, that I wondered if he was an EXTREME closeted case. I am glad someone likes my hair, but it is JUST hair. There is nothing so much better than my hair than someone else's, and now at my age, my hair is thin at the crown, etc. Anyway, I decided I passed that particular group as being "more str8 acting" than the so-called "str8" leader. So then I found another group. That leader was so much my type physically (hairy galore!). To not stare at him, I had to focus on the charastics I didn't like about him. He had a stereotypical gay love of shopping. His eyes would get large, and his face would have a glow about it whenever he talked about shopping -- and no I don't mean for lumber, cars, computers... Rather the usual stuff like clothing, etc. So I would focus on that and not obsess with him.. Well about two or three months later, he disbanded the group. What happened is that his "best friend" (another "former" homosexual) confided to him that he was madly in love with him. It freaked him out to the point he couldn't deal with it. Well about 6 months later I ran into him at a cruise park, and he said he was there to prove that "str8" men like himself had just as much right to be at the park as homosexuals. Anyway, he was hungry, so I took him to a restaurant. I figured it was the least I could do since he had hosted all those meetings in the past. Well he talked about his "budding" heterosexually and kept staring at the waitress. It seemed SO FAKE and rehearsed.


:D I find this quite an amusing story, especially that about the hair game. :lol: Probably he was a keratomaniac, a hair-addict. He should have joined hair fans anonymous.
Although it should be sad that you have tried these quack groups to get your orientation changed. Been close to try something similar in my young life, including ideas on brain surgery to be found. Yet that time in Canada progressive people got me to learn, that a Catholic brainwash was not a mindset to keep to, like in forever!
The story sounds a lot like I would have expected those religious quack groups to be like. Everyone acting in rehearsed kind of ways, even training to stare at boobs and that like - oh dear!
Wasn't there some dude in the US even, who was a leader of one of such groups who came out as gay after claiming ( there's the claim game, again ) he was cured for like many years? Don't remember the name, I read of him on a queer news site.
I guess nearly all of them Ex-Gay-groups are in some way religiously delusional. Actually their beliefs may be the reason for the whole problem on acceptance they face. Never read of anyone that had a reasonable, non religious based opinion on why they thought of anyone's orientation to be wrong. Except maybe the weird ego-dystone cases in psychiatric sciences.

Glad you seem to have come around without troubles from them tries!
Sperm count would not be much of a relevance to invitrofertilizsation, for example, if you would produce enough functioning sperms that can be selected. Depends on DNA related factors.
And I guess, depends on health insurance benefits, whether it's affordable.
If ya want to hang with me, let's go windsurfing!

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Re: 12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby xeil » 15 January 2020, 12:40

I think what you are having is not more different than people in exclusive relationships (married or not) that are still attracted to other people. I mean just because you are exclusive doesn't mean you are not attracted to anyone anymore.
About the part straight/bi/gay, there is a huge mistake. If you are bisexual, you are bisexual. It doesn't mean anything if you are with a woman or a man. It's your sexual/romantic orientation, it's to whom you are attracted to. Being in a relationship with a woman doesn't change the fact that you are still attracted to guys.
So aside from that, I don't find anything different than straight married men finding other women attractive...
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Re: 12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby MattPSmith » 15 January 2020, 15:28

Thanks for all the replies!

Just to clarify i don't want to leave my wife or cheat on her and i especially don't want to open the marriage. I still love her with all my heart.

Im just really concerned that as time goes on lately im finding women less and less appealing, is it possible to just turn completely gay? Seems ridiculous to me. Could it just be that i am denying myself something that i have always enjoyed, like a child being told no, i just want it more?

I have tried to convice my wife to use toys on me, hoping that would snap me out of this rutt, she says its gross! :(

The whole "i thought you were straight now" line really pissed me off and makes me think a little less of her and that doesn't help at all.
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Re: 12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby Eryx » 15 January 2020, 17:08

No one knows, everyone goes through different paths in life. There are bi people who fluctuate between one gender and the other, some are always 50/50, it's up to you and your brain really. Even if someone comes here and tells you that they actually went 100% gay at some point in their lives, that is no guarantee that the same will happen to you, or that it happens to every bisexual person.

I've always been gay, ever since my formative years, and I've never felt attracted to women in any way, shape or form, but that's just my reality, I can't speak for others. Same for you.
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Re: 12 years hetero married but bi

Unread postby Tommy Pickle » 10 February 2020, 00:17

Hi, this is my first post here, I came on about a similar issue that I've been having recently and came across this post so I figured id give you my 2 cents for what its worth.

My situation is a little different in the sense that I didn't really accept or believe that I was gay/bi, and thought I was very open minded or knew what an attractive guy was, or had a lot of kinks, basically it just all denial.

But I met a woman 8 years ago as a straight guy, and I married her, and we now have a 1 1/2 year old son. Over the last 2 1/2 years I started to come to terms with the fact that I was Gay/bi and felt that I needed to be with a man rather than a woman. I still love my wife and really didn't want to hurt her by ending the marriage but my journey took me to a dark place where I decided that to survive I had to be honest.

So 4 months ago I did what still feels like the most selfish thing I could do and ended the marriage. I still see my son all the time and am still offering support to my wife, but she has found the whole thing extremely difficult. Shes absolutely broken in pieces, and I am riddled with guilt. Obviously all of these things are still raw right now and will get better over time, but I cant stress ow difficult it has been, and in many ways I've felt that it wasn't worth all the pain for my own sexual satisfaction.

In terms of my advice that I would offer.

If you don't think you can be with her long term due to your sexuality or what ever way your floating sexually, you should do it sooner rather than later so she doesn't waste too many years and can still possibly move on and meet someone.

If you really don't want to leave her and think you can maintain the relationship then you need to be open and start talking. Perhaps couples counselling, but ultimately she needs to know that you need more in the bedroom. I know my wife would usually be very vanilla, but she put some massive stuff on the table sexually when push came to shove in order to try save the relationship. So perhaps she might change her mind about stuff being gross if its to fulfill you sexually and save the marriage. You have to talk in order to solve this one way or the other.

Sexuality if a very strange thing to label at times and I still struggle to label mine. But if you only masturbate to gay porn, sex with your wife is for show and you're dreaming about being with men then perhaps being straight really isn't fulfilling your needs.

I wish you well whatever you end up doing, I hope it all works out in a way to make you happier.
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