25 and social stress: where did I wrong?

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25 and social stress: where did I wrong?

Unread postby IchiNiDan » 23 August 2021, 21:45

I was never a guy big on relationships, on having a boyfriend or being married at a certain age. I was always about being successful, being a good student and finding a good job. I lost my virginity at 19 without caring if it was "late" and I mostly stayed out of hook ups and gay community till at least 22/23 as I was so self-loathing that I decided I didn't even want others to love me neither. Eventually; I started having a sexual life and it has been two years fulls of random hook ups, failed relationships and me pushing everyone aside if they even tried to talk to me beside sex. My biggest gripe at the moment is the fact that at 25 my longest relationship has been of 2 months and for 2 full years I tried to date people who ditched me after sex, leaving me feeling exploited and used. I feel lonely and unlovable and I spent last year convincing myself I was strong playing the femme fatale of sort, by saying I was a player who can have tons of partners without getting attached, when in reality I'm just a deeply anxious and insecure person who always feels like he could not be loved (Due to a very empty and tormented childhood who left its fair share of scars and emotional abuse). But this has fell apart and I have to confront with the random ghosting of people who I initially thought were into me, introducing me to their friends, inviting me to the parties etc... and I'm left wondering what's wrong with me, if it is my behaviour, if my face is not pretty enough or my body is not thin enough (useless to say, I went through BDD and anorexia). I blame also my lack of self worth, that makes me so dependable of others when they start to show me a bit of affection and my shyness, that makes me always so afraid to make the first step that I am sure others perceives me as cold and detached, when in reality I'm just scarred and scared. I feel like I'm not enough and I will die alone, and I'm bitter when I see people with much bigger emotional trauma eventually find a boyfriend that helps them when mine gets bigger and bigger every time I get used for sex or get deceived by sweet talk. I invite people to share their story, mostly by those who had their first real relationships later in their lives, and to aid me figure out a sense in mine, maybe telling what I most desperately need to hear: that I should stop being so gullible (for this, I blame the fact that I started being "active" later that other guys) and figure out other's real intentions before engaging in any kind of sexual interaction.
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Re: 25 and social stress: where did I wrong?

Unread postby Eryx » 27 August 2021, 22:09

Go to therapy, and/or try working out. Either one works for starters.
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