40 and feeling a bit lost

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40 and feeling a bit lost

Unread postby Scotsguy » 25 December 2019, 19:13

I turned 40 this year and with that come a lot of reflection and soul searching. Ive always considered myself a serial monogamist as I've had multiple long term relationships since I was 18. I was in a relationship for a year with a great guy but I never loved him, it just never happened for me, there was no spark so I ended it 4 months ago. I see all my friends around me happy with partners and babies and it's all I've ever wanted but at the same time I'm not ready to settle. On dating apps I either get guys who only want sex or guys my age who have totally let themselves go and I'm not physically attracted to them. I feel like I'm gonna be on my own forever and feel a bit lost at the moment. Ive just spent Christmas Day with my sister and her family and although it was nice, it was her family and not mine. Any other guys a similar age feeling like this?

I have a good career as a mental health nurse, my own house and car and money in the bank but feel a bit empty as I've no one to share my life with.
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Re: 40 and feeling a bit lost

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 27 December 2019, 06:29

Scotsguy wrote:I turned 40 this year and with that come a lot of reflection and soul searching. Ive always considered myself a serial monogamist as I've had multiple long term relationships since I was 18. I was in a relationship for a year with a great guy but I never loved him, it just never happened for me, there was no spark so I ended it 4 months ago. I see all my friends around me happy with partners and babies and it's all I've ever wanted but at the same time I'm not ready to settle. On dating apps I either get guys who only want sex or guys my age who have totally let themselves go and I'm not physically attracted to them. I feel like I'm gonna be on my own forever and feel a bit lost at the moment. Ive just spent Christmas Day with my sister and her family and although it was nice, it was her family and not mine. Any other guys a similar age feeling like this?

I have a good career as a mental health nurse, my own house and car and money in the bank but feel a bit empty as I've no one to share my life with.


Gosh how I would LOVE to be 40 again! I just turned 60 almost 3 weeks ago. Sure times can be trying especially at 40, but as you get much older you have to deal more with friends and family dying, your own health, etc.

I'd say perhaps you need to see a counselor to help you. For myself, I never found it of much help as I'm a deep thinker anyway, so they never pulled anything out of my head that I hadn't thought of before. However, it might be different for you.

You say you have been a serial monogamous since 18, yet you aren't ready to settle down. That seems hard to follow. If you have been a serial monogamous all this time, then you actually have settled down -- several times. Were you the one who always broke it off, or have you had your heart broken too?

You also mention dating apps with either guys who just want sex or have let their bodies go. Don't you find some guys in between? Note, that the older you get, the more most of us have to cut back drastically in the amount of food we eat. That has more to do with it than exercise. There just isn't enough hours in the day to exercise to make up for a slowing metabolism...

If someone's focus as they get older is to maintain peak attractiveness to entice sex partners, they aren't going to have time for taking care of aging parents, taking care of kids if that is in the equation, let alone spending time on building a relationship. Unless your wanting a gym partner/lover I'm not sure how that is to work out. Relationships take a lot of understanding as well as simply time together.

I met my current partner of 16+ years when I was 43. We both do not look as good as we did back then. However, love is much more important than sex, and this observation is coming from me -- someone who was always oversexed. Most of my previous relationships involved a lot of self-pleasuring because I didn't want to come across as a partner who was too sexually needy -- a pain in the ass (pun intended). Sadly now, I have ED, but my partner still puts up with me. Even if my dick was working again, and some gym jock approached ME, I would have no desire to stray. It isn't superb bodies that keeps us together. It's the duration of true love. I have seen him at his worse -- having to have 5 bypasses about 8 years ago. He has seen me at MY worse when I almost died in the fall of 2018 from West Nile. When I saw my big beefy man break down and cry as he explained to me as I arose out of a two week sedation how I almost died, I knew that I had made no mistakes about who I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with. There is no amount of beauty or sexual stimulation that can replace the desire to be with someone who is there through the good and the bad times. He is a truly a keeper.

You may simply be experiencing holiday blues between seeing so many happy during the holidays and yourself alone for 4 months. Even if it is just a seasonal thing right now, realize that only you can decide what you really want in life in order to be happy. You said you were a serial monogamous. Are you feeling like you lost out on having a period of life where you had lots of wild sex with lots of different people? Quite frankly the hedonist life gets REALLY old.

Good luck, and know that if you really are unhappy in the path of life you are taking, change it -- for your own sake. Life is relatively too short to spend it going where you really don't want to go.
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Re: 40 and feeling a bit lost

Unread postby Scotsguy » 27 December 2019, 09:55

Thanks for that thoughtful response. You've misunderstood about me not wanting to settle down though, it's all I've ever wanted. I just don't want to settle (I.e. A lot of people as they get older settle for someone they're not truly happy with) it's certainly not all about looks or body it's more about a chemistry with someone, I need that spark and the feeling of being in love. I'm sure I'll be feeling a bit better now Christmas is over and hopefully I can start the new year right with the best attitude to finding someone I'll be happy with. Cheers.
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Re: 40 and feeling a bit lost

Unread postby Brenden » 27 December 2019, 10:16

Scotsguy wrote:You've misunderstood about me not wanting to settle down though, it's all I've ever wanted. I just don't want to settle (I.e. A lot of people as they get older settle for someone they're not truly happy with) it's certainly not all about looks or body it's more about a chemistry with someone, I need that spark and the feeling of being in love.

You can't base a successful long-term settled relationship on eros. It needs philia, which is mutually built up and sustained over time.

There's a reason why ⅖-½ of marriages end in divorce. People experienced "that spark and feeling of being in love" and then thought they didn't need to keep working for long-lasting love.

There's also a reason why a culture with arranged marriage gave us the Kama Sutra.
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Re: 40 and feeling a bit lost

Unread postby Scotsguy » 27 December 2019, 21:26

Brenden wrote:
Scotsguy wrote:You've misunderstood about me not wanting to settle down though, it's all I've ever wanted. I just don't want to settle (I.e. A lot of people as they get older settle for someone they're not truly happy with) it's certainly not all about looks or body it's more about a chemistry with someone, I need that spark and the feeling of being in love.

You can't base a successful long-term settled relationship on eros. It needs philia, which is mutually built up and sustained over time.

There's a reason why ⅖-½ of marriages end in divorce. People experienced "that spark and feeling of being in love" and then thought they didn't need to keep working for long-lasting love.

There's also a reason why a culture with arranged marriage gave us the Kama Sutra.

I get that to a point and I've had enough relationships to know that honeymoon period doesn't last, however, I feel like I need to have that feeling at the start of the relationship. I don't expect it to go on forever. The feeling of falling in love is important and I think there should be a strong spark to begin with.
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Re: 40 and feeling a bit lost

Unread postby Eryx » 30 December 2019, 06:16

I do think it's nice as well, and it's always very powerful when we feel it right from the get-go, but I've come to realize that sometimes it just so happens that the "eros", as Brenden put it (loved to read about it!), or the honeymoon period, as you put it, can develop late in a relationship after you've had the opportunity to talk and get to know someone more. It really does happen and it's just as intense, the only difference is it's a slower curve up rather than an explosion.

Give it a chance if you feel like it. It might benefit you, especially at your age! I've mentioned this here before, but I've had a boyfriend who was 39-turned-40 while we were dating, and it was just fine, but we worked together for almost a year before feelings and a relationship started manifesting themselves. And going in a different direction, I don't think you have to feel concerned for being that age, especially if, as you inferred, you're taking good care of yourself physically. There are still some very good years ahead!

Of course you don't have to spend months dating someone who doesn't make you feel special, but don't turn down anyone that doesn't at the first sight.
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Re: 40 and feeling a bit lost

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 1 January 2020, 00:04

Scotsguy wrote:Thanks for that thoughtful response. You've misunderstood about me not wanting to settle down though, it's all I've ever wanted. I just don't want to settle (I.e. A lot of people as they get older settle for someone they're not truly happy with) it's certainly not all about looks or body it's more about a chemistry with someone, I need that spark and the feeling of being in love. I'm sure I'll be feeling a bit better now Christmas is over and hopefully I can start the new year right with the best attitude to finding someone I'll be happy with. Cheers.


Yes, I guess I misunderstood that. I am sorry.

I would just say that the longer your list is for what you want to settle for, the harder it is to find someone. I would just say to prioritize what matters from what is really nice to have.

Case in point, I think smoking is a gross habit, and I also do NOT like the smell of coffee. I think it is revolting. However, plenty of guys who smoke and are addicted to coffee smells have wonderful hearts. Plus especially in the later, if I made a requirement that a potential partner hated the smell of coffee too, I'd probably be narrowing it too far.

I wish my guy didn't smoke. He had 5 by-passes about 7 years ago. All the doctors said his nicotine addiction was more responsible for his problems than his genes, his eating, etc. He gave it up for a while, but he still is stuck on it. He doesn't let me see him smoke, and he doesn't do it in the house. Still I can smell it sometimes on his clothes and in his truck. I just figure just like I';m addicted to food (especially carbs - and I'm diabetic) ; he has his addictions which are bad for him too.

On the other hand, I wanted someone who loved animals and kids. Though kids were not in the picture, we do have pets and livestock (not for killing). I also wanted someone who was monogamous. I know that it is very politically incorrect to say that, but I'm just not into having a timeshare for a relationship. Though I have ED now, I still have a VERY high sex drive. I always found it a hoot all these guys who want to screw around, yet seem to have a way lower sex drive than I ever did. I did a lot of jacking off even in relationships as I did not want to become a sexual burden, so you think they could at least keep their zippers up so that their drive isn't gone. I also knew plenty of guys who claimed their partners were absolutely fine with what they did, many times that was absolutely note the case.

So I guess we lead a pretty dull life from the standpoint since we don't go prowling around. However, that is just how we both like it. It is also interesting in prior relationships, I tended to compromise on what my type is. I prefer hairy over smooth. I do not do well with really short skinny guys. I once fell asleep with a little skinny guy on top of me, when I woke up, I freaked out because for a moment I thought I had fucked a boy. I am ABSOLUTELY NOT a pedo! It wasn't his fault, but that kind of scares me away. I also prefer muscles over slender. If someone wasn't that hairy, I was fine with it as long as they were masculine and muscular. Well, my partner actually is very much my type: hairy, muscular, manly. Plus, I'm naturally a top, and he loved to bottom. When I first started gay sex, I was told I couldn't be a top because I wasn't hung. I hated sex as a bottom.. It was so "not me". A lesbian would make a better bottom than I would. Also I crave MEN -- not their penises. Penises simply come with the territory of sex with other men. So I';m glad he was fine with that.

Mentioning so much about sex, you would think my priorities are on the physical, sexual, but that really isn't the case. I enjoy calling him to ask if I need to pick anything up for him. I love simple things such as watching him "think". I also love how he can get so excited over his hobbies -- such as coin collecting, gardening, etc. i love how he is so enthusiastic when his son and family visit. Having a family was never an option for me since I am so infertile. I'm so happy that part of him will continue way after we are both gone from this earth.

We may not have romantic dinners, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think how lucky I am. Yes there is eros, but as someone pointed out phillia is more important for the long haul. Sure we are getting older, and not at our peak attractiveness, but that is ok.

Perhaps think of this analogy: You can put on a very beautiful pair of patent leather shoes. They are shiny and look so good. However, I'd turn them down for my old comfortable shoes. They may not be so beautiful, and new as they are broken in. Still they feel so damn good and are so comfortable to wear. So I may give a glance at a beautiful pair of shiny shoes, but I have no desire to actually wear them. Those days ended a LONG time ago.
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