A little bit lost and confused

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A little bit lost and confused

Unread postby Bluefish » 8 April 2022, 22:40

Hey,

Sorry for the silly length of this.

I'm just finding stuff a bit hard generally at the moment, thought I'd make a post about it in case anybody can offer some advice, I hope that's ok! I hope this is in the right part of the forum, I wasn't sure if this was more relationships or sex and sexuality related

I've already droned on about myself a bit on here, but any advice or comments would definitely be welcome

So I struggle with casual sex but I'm not sure a monogamous relationship is for me either. I'm attracted to the idea of the security of monogamy, and of the innocence of a romance with another person, but in reality I'm not sure I could be with one person for the rest of my life - at least exclusively. That sounds really callous to me as I write it - and I'd be happy to prove myself wrong in an ideal world. But the fact I still pine for the casual thing I almost had recently while a part of me still wants something more makes me wonder if a traditional partnership is for me.

I mean that's all pretty meaningless by itself but I guess it stops me both motivating myself to look or chase after casual stuff, and from thinking about dating too. So I end up doing neither.

At the same time though I like the idea of love and I'm scared of ending up used and alone. And when I look at other people's secure long term relationships it makes me feel like a bit of a failure.

I struggle with the idea of casual and of sex as a throwaway thing too. I sort of posted a little bit about this in my intro thread but I met a guy in an open relationship recently and I've struggled with feeling used. But now it's fizzled out, even though it's not completely gone, I miss it and feel like I've let myself down by not taking advantage of the offer for something regular.

Dealing with feelings is hard though especially when my libido is at a low point and I crave intimacy more than actual sex. I think the fact I need a connection and some caring too doesn't help. I try to be clear headed but when I feel so strongly for people I act off and drive them away. Become insecure and clingy and sad. Without meaning to. I end up isolating myself even more.

I struggle with my mental health too. Various people think I'm depressed and I have a long mental health history, of anxiety, social isolation and depression. It's hard to motivate myself, to feel desirable or confident enough to go for casual or serious alike feeling like this. Not having many friends or much of a social life, it's hard to feel worth someone's time.

I spend most of my evenings sitting alone, and even though there are a few important people in my life I still feel lost and know I have to stand on my own two feet as much as I can emotionally. I feel isolated but too anxious to go for anything more, and while trying to use Grindr for example I'm often too terrified to send people photos of myself, as the idea of sharing photos liberally on there makes me anxious about who could be noticing me while I'm out. To the average person that probably sounds stupid but it bothers me.

For the same reason I don't even join different apps that require photos like Bumble or even friendship apps like Bumble BFF - sorry I'm not sure if they're separate apps or not but you get my point :P

I'm just so painfully lonely at times but seem to constantly sabotage myself and just feel so unsure of what to do, all the time.

A lot of this is probably total waffle but I guess it helps to get stuff out sometimes. I overthink literally everything but it's so hard to just go with things. I just agonise over everything
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Re: A little bit lost and confused

Unread postby colby100 » 9 April 2022, 01:51

I'm dealing with the same stuff. I was really amazed that I could relate to your post. I've never known anyone whose going through the same problems as I am. If you want, you can message me and we could talk.
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Re: A little bit lost and confused

Unread postby Brenden » 9 April 2022, 09:36

Life often boils down to having to compromise and give up some things for other things that are more important. So you have to weigh what is more valuable to you, and you also have to think about how different factors might affect that value in the future.

For instance, when you're 55 and no longer look as good as you did at 25, 35, or even 45 and your sex drive is diminished (or perhaps you have ED), would you rather be in a relationship that's been built for the last 20 or 30 years with someone who cares about you regardless of anything? Or would you rather be alone and trying to date people with the aforementioned handicaps?
Disclaimer: All views expressed in my posts are my own and do not reflect the views of this forum except when otherwise stated or this signature is not present.

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Re: A little bit lost and confused

Unread postby Bluefish » 9 April 2022, 14:56

Brenden wrote:Life often boils down to having to compromise and give up some things for other things that are more important. So you have to weigh what is more valuable to you, and you also have to think about how different factors might affect that value in the future.

For instance, when you're 55 and no longer look as good as you did at 25, 35, or even 45 and your sex drive is diminished (or perhaps you have ED), would you rather be in a relationship that's been built for the last 20 or 30 years with someone who cares about you regardless of anything? Or would you rather be alone and trying to date people with the aforementioned handicaps?


Absolutely 100% rather be in a relationship to be honest. No question.

I often feel chaotic, like I did when I wrote my post. But to be honest, and I've spoken about this with others, most of the time casual doesn't bother me. I think with the person I've been thinking about, it's more because I'm into them than because I miss the specific situation. But when I'm feeling so low, it's easy to get confused and think that casual is something I have to chase after if I want to keep certain people interested in me.

I can't remember everything I wrote, but the depression and anxiety don't help. The low self esteem. The obsessive concern as to how I come across to others. It's crippling and easy to revert to unhealthy ways of thinking when I'm like that.

It's worse at night too. During the day I can get by, rationalise, think healthy thoughts. But in the evenings and at night, when I'm just sat around by myself, feeling too bad mentally to do much, that's when it really gets to me and my thoughts start to run away from me fast.

It's like I have it all together and then it all falls apart, I start to question everything and then think hey maybe I should just give in and think about going after a sexual thing. I think the fact I've been browsing Grindr too much doesn't help. I've found a few nice people but the hypersexual nature of it and all the perfectly presented photos and forward attitudes kind of throw me and I think what's wrong with me, why am I incapable of being like that?

Yeah my thoughts are pretty muddled but at the end of the day I would much prefer something emotional to something sexual. I just get this irrational feeling that I'm running out of time and that the way I am just isn't good enough.

It's really hard to just take things as they come. I get so restless and I can't logically explain why.

colby100 wrote:I'm dealing with the same stuff. I was really amazed that I could relate to your post. I've never known anyone whose going through the same problems as I am. If you want, you can message me and we could talk.


I'm so sorry you're going through something similar. Especially if you're affected by feelings similar to anxiety and depression too, they're never fun.

That's a nice offer though, thank you :)
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Re: A little bit lost and confused

Unread postby colby100 » 9 April 2022, 21:04

Thank you for the reply. Yes, I am affected by anxiety and depression. I'm seeing a therapist for them, but I still have feel lonely sometimes. The thing that sometimes (not always) helps me is listening to positive music. Mostly songs that have a positive message, like you're perfect just the way you are. Just a suggestion.
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Re: A little bit lost and confused

Unread postby Bluefish » 10 April 2022, 00:45

colby100 wrote:Thank you for the reply. Yes, I am affected by anxiety and depression. I'm seeing a therapist for them, but I still have feel lonely sometimes. The thing that sometimes (not always) helps me is listening to positive music. Mostly songs that have a positive message, like you're perfect just the way you are. Just a suggestion.


That's true positive music definitely helps

You don't have to thank me though I should thank you!
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Re: A little bit lost and confused

Unread postby RenĂ© » 11 April 2022, 22:36

If I were to do anything casual, to be honest I would mainly be doing it for hugs/touch, much more than sex. And indeed the only time I did, that was a much bigger part of it, which it still is now that the guy in question is my boyfriend. :D :heart:

There's nothing wrong with seeking casual cuddles. There are definitely guys who want that. And who knows, you might meet someone you really like and connect with on an emotional level too! (Perhaps Tinder would be a good place to look for that. Definitely less hypersexual than Grindr in my experience. You'd just want to be very clear about what you're looking for.)

Plenty of guys can't do the Grindr sex thing. You're not weird. :hug:

And you're certainly not running out of time! (I'm assuming you're 24 based on your profile.) :runaway:
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