Advice : dealing with homophobic father and childhood abuse

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Advice : dealing with homophobic father and childhood abuse

Unread postby Alienated » 2 March 2019, 11:34

I’m a 26 year old gay male living in NYC. My fathers a Narcissist that has always been extremely homophobic. I don’t remember him ever not smoking a cigarette (inside) or being sober from Alcohol , along with several other substances. A few i also find myself stuggling with now.

Ive had extremely bad Anxiety and sever Depression for about 2 year now which has left me unable to function properly . I’m realizing now where all of this is coming from and how much of a toll the trauma i endured from my childhood has and is effecting me. I’ve always been a somewhat sensitive as a kid and preferred art over sports.
I came out at 13 as gay but I’ve always felt alienated somehow and somewhat uncomfortable within the gay community.

Here’s why.

Without going into all the details ... Im realizing how much my dad was extremely abusive towards me emotionally , psychologically even purposefully left out or neglected by him. I was yelled at, beat and punished regularly for everything I’d do if my siblings did the same thing. I was called a faggot daily .. forced to watch lesbian porn with him while He would ask me shit like how couldn’t i like pussy, why do i have to be a faggot for, just constantly dehumanized and ridiculed relentlessly. I’ve only had 1 serious boyfriend ... and I’m starting to realize how much I’ve really internalized it. Since my mom past I’ve have very little contact with him. He doesn’t call me and has Never helped me or support me in anything . I was diagnosed with HIV about 3 weeks before my mom past (they asked me not to tell her) he never once call me to Check on me for two years even thought i called. I Have a questioned my sexually, my gender , My preference for bottoming, why i don’t get aroused in front of people for the first time, but masterbate constantly alone... even though find men attractive. some other personal issues.....

. I can’t help thinking about all the burnt bridges and relationships I’ve unconsciously ruined with other gay men because of it. i feel like my reputation is tarnished and so now all my relationships with people are suffering greatly for it and i don’t know what do about it.

/ I now know the root cause to a lot of my problems and will be starting therapy within the month./

Does anyone have any advice for how i should go about mending relationships within the community? I don’t want to just dump my issues on people... but i feel like i need to share what’s been going on with me. What do you guys think?
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Re: Advice : dealing with homophobic father and childhood abuse

Unread postby Eryx » 7 March 2019, 16:07

I think therapy is the best thing you can do right now. Your issues are a little more complicated than most people can help with. But things are never as bad as they seem. Stay strong and never hesitate to seek help! As for your father, personally I wouldn't try to keep a relationship going, with everything you've said about him. It's probably healthier for you if you forget about him altogether. There's no mending things with narcissists, and he doesn't seem like a pleasant person to be around anyway.
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Re: Advice : dealing with homophobic father and childhood abuse

Unread postby Delishes » 14 March 2019, 01:18

I relate to you a lot with this issue.You have guts to come out at 13 with a father like that ,if you can do that i think you can overcome anything so just think that nothing is over and just go to therapy(i was born in istanbul and have muslim family,i went to hypnosis center to become STRAIGHT ,my mother knew it when i was 11 too and sent me to hypnosis to FIX ME. And ofc hid that from my dad to not out and put me in danger ,she really thought this was an illness...)
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