Advice please! I’m confused...

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Advice please! I’m confused...

Unread postby TBG131 » 27 March 2019, 00:11

Hi guys! New guy here!
So, I have something I need to talk about and your advices are most appreciated (as long as they are not diminishing or hateful).
Here it goes. I am 28 years old! Never had a very serious relationship and all the ones I had and took seriously, were, unfortunately, bad experiences.
Just a background, I always dreamed about a boyfriend and do all those cute and cheesy things that a couple do. I am romantic and, well, you know. I believe relationships are meant to be taken seriously and I don’t believe in open relationships. One to one only, no add ups. That doesn’t mean that I will judge any other relationship, as people find happiness in different ways other than mine and if they are happy with their choices I am not someone to meddle.
Continuing... when I finally accepted my sexuality (at 21), I found this guy who I fell in love. We met via Facebook, we connected. He was that kind of guy that would make lots of jokes and send a very cheesy good morning message in the morning. But he was still attached to a recent ex boyfriend whose relationship had break recently. I knew it but still hoped we could be together. For months we never met, but when we were to meet, I found out they spent the night together (it was valentines). I was heartbroken and somehow moved on but never forgot him. A while after I went after him (blame it on the youth) and we started talking again. I was happy! And we set a date to meet. The day came and we met. I guess he wasn’t happy to see a guy like me (I guess he was expecting a taller guy even though we discussed it before and I said I was 5’5’’). After that we just continued talking and one day when I tried to meet up again, he said I was annoying! I said I was done, he said we would meet sometime, but I was done. And then I eventually went to study abroad (best decision I had)! Well, from that first time he broke my heart, I kind of felt cheated because he was dedicating his time to me (even though via texts) but we kind of connected. And then when he broke my heart again (on the second time) I just kind of start feeling that my trust was gone! I just couldn’t trust a guy again. I tried having boyfriends, but either I have been using apps to meet them (which I ended up realising that men there just want to use you) or I just find wrong guys!
Nonetheless, I have been shown only bad examples of gay relationships! I started believing and feeling that gay relationships are very sexualised and revolve around sex and promiscuity! That, somehow, might have changed me! I don’t feel like mh old self anymore! I wish I was more laidback and things were simpler! That true love and honesty, loyalty were real!
I’ve given up on relationships, as I tried having them but I either couldn’t feel connected anymore or wouldn’t trust the guy. I also have the feeling that my last boyfriend was cheating on me as I caught him up when he was about to show me something on his phone and I found out that one of his last searches was the website manhunt and he first said it was a long time ago. I didn’t buy it and then the next day he said he was deleting his account. I disunity it either. He tried showing me a screenshot of the deletion of the account but hidden the date. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but I couldn’t trust him as he lied again and again afterwards. I broke up with him.

With this sad life of mine, I have also taken refuge in porn and Twitter/Instagram/Tumblr (where I normally follow guys with onlyfans accounts) and that all kind of made me kind of sexually active.

I still dream about having a serious relationship, I do. But sometimes if I am going into and knowing a guy or even when I think a guy I kind of like, might like me back, I start thinking if I could have a relationship. And then, I start having thoughts that they will cheat on my eventually! Also, now, even when I am in a relationship, I cannot have rest when we are apart! I always think they might be cheating me somehow!
I am also sharing a house and I am afraid to bring a guy I like in, afraid that one of my flatmates might want to seduce him (it might also be because I heard a similar story between two lesbians living with other couples and one of the lesbians was actually bisexual and started having sex with a guy from another couple). Just thinking about it, makes me anxious and afraid to bring my boyfriend home.
I also have OCD and I know that these fears might be related to it too.

It sounds stupid, but I kind of would like to ask for your opinions. Please help me if you can.

Best,

Tiago
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Re: Advice please! I’m confused...

Unread postby Eryx » 27 March 2019, 02:01

Hey, Tiago!

Cheating sucks. A lot of us have gone through it or will go through it in our lives. I had that experience and it changed me forever. I'm in a relationship right now and it took me months to get over the jealousy, because my boyfriend used to be promiscuous and went to a lot of parties. He knew lots of people from the bars we usually go to and every once in a while he'd say he hooked up with someone passing by. Those things drove me crazy and I thought I wasn't going to be able to handle it. I felt the urge to look through his phone, or check who he liked on Instagram.

Eventually, however, those feelings faded and left room for other, better feelings. We went through some stuff together, we took some time apart, and we realized we both wanted each other and loved each other the same way.

It's common for us to think, after a bad relationship, that the next person will make the same mistakes and act the same way, but that isn't true. Each person is unique and the way they feel about us is as well. You won't fall for every guy you find attractive. You mentioned you can't feel a connection when you try, but that's not because there's something wrong with you, it's just because there was no spark.

If you feel like you can't trust a partner right now, and that you'd feel insecure when he went to do things apart from you, then maybe you need to take some time for yourself and let the wounds from the past heal a little more. When you do meet someone who reciprocates your feelings (and that is totally by chance, we can't force it to happen), they will do things that will let you know you can trust their intentions. And then it wil get easier.

I hope I helped. It's hard to talk about something like this, but anyway, I don't think you should lose hope, just keep looking and have fun while you're at it.
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Re: Advice please! I’m confused...

Unread postby TBG131 » 27 March 2019, 12:41

Thank you Eryx,

I did feel better after reading your reply and I appreciate that you shared your personal life with me. I do believe I have to be less attached to my past and allow more to come to me!
I will do my best to make it happen!
It’s a very good and true thing you said: we are all unique and different, and we just have to wait to find the right person!

I am still afraid and I will be a bit reluctant in the beginning but I will need to let myself relax when I start another relationship.
Also, one more question if you don’t mind.
Being single and having had so many bad examples shown to me, I am afraid I will become like these promiscuous people. I mean, I haven’t had any good examples and sometimes I think to myself if I am letting myself go with the flow of it. I am single so I am not thinking about anything and I see myself many times, ‘thirsty’/attracted and aroused for many hot guys I see in the street or that come to my work. I then comment with my friends at work. But I then think to myself if I am just going towards that path and becoming that type of guy who objectify other people. I then think if I will be like that when I start a relationship and it scares me because I want to be in a relationship where my attention will go towards my partner and no one else..
am I going too crazy in here?

Thanks,

Tiago
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Re: Advice please! I’m confused...

Unread postby Eryx » 27 March 2019, 15:22

Feeling attracted to other people is universal, and the more comfortable you get with yourself and being gay, the more you'll be able to feel that way towards other guys. It never stops and it's completely normal. What does happen is that when you're really in love with someone, you kind of just stop looking for a while, and there's a state of mind where you acknowledge other men are attractive, but don't really feel like pursuing anything because you already like what you have with your significant other.

There's nothing wrong with being promiscuous for a while, and it's not a path you can't return from. As I said in my previous comment, my boyfriend had been promiscuous and single before I met him, and that went on for 11 years of his life. The moment he realized he had deeper feelings for me and that he was being reciprocated, it wasn't really too difficult for him to just change his behavior. It took some time, but it was natural.

What you need to be sure to control is to never deceive people you're with, be honest with your own feelings and intentions. Don't cheat, don't accept to get into a relationship you don't feel strongly about, and don't feel like you're forced to behave a certain way. When you do feel strongly about someone and notice they feel the same way, you won't be interested in being available to other guys anymore.
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You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
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Re: Advice please! I’m confused...

Unread postby TBG131 » 28 March 2019, 13:27

Hi Eryx (again),

Once again, thank you for your advices! I truly loved reading them and it gave me peace of mind!
I was afraid I was getting ‘broken’ because of how my life went and is going, so much that I was about to start to give up.
Like you said, cheating is not an option for me and neither do I want it to happen to anyone! It does leaves you damaged, broken, hollow! It takes things from you.
However, after all these things you told me, I am starting to believe again that somewhere out there I might find a decent guy and that I might find the one I dream about. Not that I will be actively looking for a boyfriend, but when it comes to that, I might find the one!

Thank you for your words of encouragement!

You know what!? These thoughts came even stronger recently after I need to move places and I found a room (yes, because I live in London and it’s too expensive to rent a place on your own) in a shared flat. The flat is new and all refurbished and has amazing conditions and I fell for it. But the problem is that I would need to share with 5 other people. I was told they are nice and all although one of the rooms is moving out as well and I will need to see how the other new tenant is going to be. Anyways, I really want to take it, but then I thought to myself that what if I take a boyfriend (in the future) and someone tries to seduce him or if they end up cheating on me.. this all came out of my insecurities given to me from my past experiences and also after a friend of mine told me something similar happened in her place (same amount or similar in regards of people) and a ‘lesbian’ (bisexual) girl hooked up with a boyfriend of another girl. Both partnered.

That really started these crisis now. And even though I am not with someone, I cannot stop worrying, which is stupid I know. I should just start worrying when I have someone. But on top of this a friend of mine told me a few days ago that worrying will attract it and it just made me even more worried. :rofl: :(

If you could please just give me one more piece of advice, I would be so much appreciated! Because somehow I truly feel at peace when I read your comments, especially because they are based on a personal reality (for which, again, I am truly honoured to be told about).

Thanks in advance Eryx!
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Re: Advice please! I’m confused...

Unread postby Eryx » 28 March 2019, 13:36

Dude, if you get a boyfriend and you both like each other, there's no reason he would do that. Granted we're men and sexual, but that doesn't mean we'll jump at any chance of a sexual encounter. If your future boyfriend does something like this, he needs to go, and you'll need to move. You can't keep yourself from having a boyfriend over because of your fear of being cheated on, because if you're dating someone who's capable of hooking up with a flatmate, they're probably cheating on you elsewhere anyway.

So, work on that self-confidence and prioritize yourself over minor details. The rest falls into place!
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You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
— Harlan Ellison
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Re: Advice please! I’m confused...

Unread postby TBG131 » 28 March 2019, 14:00

Sorry, I feel like I stretched the rope!
But I can say that you made me think and of course you are absolutely right!

I do need and I will change my way of thinking! The past is in the past and I cannot think like it will happen again! I need to live life without fear! When the right person comes he won’t cheat!

Thanks once again for your words of advice!

You were great and very patient with me!
I’m very grateful!
TBG131
 
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Re: Advice please! I’m confused...

Unread postby Eryx » 28 March 2019, 18:33

No worries! Good luck :)
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You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
— Harlan Ellison
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Eryx
 
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Re: Advice please! I’m confused...

Unread postby TBG131 » 28 March 2019, 18:34

Thank you!!!
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