Advice please

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Advice please

Unread postby ActiveDoc » 9 March 2021, 00:10

Hi all, referred here by a friend who said y’all are good with advice.

I’ll preface by saying I’m extremely frustrated, so that will probably color my retelling of events.

The background:

I (28F) met a wonderful woman (25F) in January 2020. She’s charismatic and funny, a small business owner (which I really admire), we have similar future plans, and enough differences to keep things fresh. Our families even love each other, which has been wonderful!

Now for the (long, sorry) story:

We dated up to the pandemic shutdowns, and then, decided that we’d try to weather it together. She was, at the time, living with a roommate who insisted (even still insists) that COVID-19 isn’t real, so we were bunking mostly at my place and sometimes at hers. Things were going fantastically well until around end August (early September) when I noticed she was acting strangely (7-7.5 months in).

Then, in September, she dropped a big financial bomb after her roommate FB messaged me, trying to get ahold of her: she hadn’t been paying rent at her small business and had missed a month of rent at her apartment.

As I mentioned earlier, she’s a small business owner, and the pandemic has undoubtedly hit that business hard. However, she had lied to my face about it several times (prior to the bomb drop) when I asked how everything was going. We had a long talk about it then and came to a resolution. Shortly thereafter (like, one day after), the roommate asked her to move out so her room could be sublet (a little shitty to not give my GF any time to recover and repay, especially given the eviction moratorium, but it is what it is). So, we moved her out, half into her parents and half into mine (which is not a big change from what we were doing before). We also discussed and made a plan together to correct her financial course, including calling the leasing company and negotiating a payment plan that had several months of rent forgiven (I used my background in legal to help her secure this).

A couple of months pass, with me regularly checking in, and her giving me the thumbs up that the plan is working. She went as far as saying that she had almost paid everything off. With that progress in mind, we signed a new two-year lease together for a bigger place (600 sq ft is just not enough, esp with WFH), talked about adopting cats, what we wanted our future lives to look like, children, marriage, the whole thing. It seemed like things were going really well and that she was almost out of the woods! To me, I kept falling harder for her each day because I admired her grit and also just adore her personality.

Then, one night (late November 2020), her mom called and asked to come over while my GF was at work. I said yes, because it seemed like something was wrong. Her mom brought over a piece of certified mail from my GF’s leasing company for her business. Obviously, her mom didn’t open it, but certified mail is a bad sign. We discussed it, and decided that I’d ask about it when my GF came home. So, I did and she refused to open the letter and said nothing was wrong, that she’d been paying. Later, after pushing, we opened it and it was a letter threatening to default her lease due to A LOT of back rent being owed (i.e. she hadn’t made one single payment). She apologized again, and we talked about everything again, rehashing the plan for more accountability and also reaching out to the leasing office (again).

Since then, her grandmother passed away from COVID (almost a year exactly after her other grandmother died unexpectedly), she almost lost her business license because she missed a bunch of deadlines, she hasn’t been able to find supplemental income that she can hold down (3rd shift was too much so she quit after two days, hated the 1st shift job so she quit after three days, subbing has very little available work so she’s only gone twice, only considers untenable options otherwise). She’s also had symptoms of depression (understandably, especially with her pre-existing anxiety), and we’ve talked about getting her some help, but she’s not pursued it.

Meanwhile, I’ve been paying all our rent, utilities, groceries, and doing almost everything else (including 90% of the household chores, doing stuff for her business and, once, getting her car out of repossession so she could work). Her business is still open, but somehow, isn’t turning a profit or breaking even. She won’t let me help her with the books, so I don’t know why that is. Obviously, given all this stuff, our once fantastic sex life has also suffered (it’s been almost two months now).

I’ve tried talking with her and I have worked very hard to help her, both in physical labor (repairing things for her business, for example) and monetarily (I’m a little less than 4000 in at this point, not counting the rent/utilities/groceries that we’re supposed to be splitting). I’m also the shoulder she cries on and have been tirelessly advocating for her mental health in hopes that she will eventually seek help for her anxiety and depression. However, it just feels like very little is changing. The major change in all this time is that now she doesn’t lie to me when I ask about the finances, and sometimes will let me know ahead of time.

I spend most of my time oscillating between confused and frustrated. I adore her as a person, and certainly still love her. However, the situation frustrates me deeply, especially on days when she doesn’t seem to do anything, even if I ask (symptom of depression, I know), while I’m juggling our whole home and my demanding job, at a minimum. I’m so frustrated that she isn’t working harder, and that she asks things of me when she often doesn’t do even the small things I ask of her. I’m extra frustrated when she wants me to spend money on frivolous things and then is upset when I say no because I have to mind our bills first. She doesn’t push me usually, she just gets upset.

We still do have fun together, and, we both obviously have feelings for each other. I just miss her without all this other crap going on and I’m so exhausted from the stress of being an unwilling passenger on a sinking financial ship (which wouldn’t be happening if she hadn’t lied to me about her ability to contribute). For my part, I’ve noticed that now, when she mentions marriage, I’m just not sure I want to anymore.

The preceding sentence is the only thing (so far) that we haven’t talked about together because I don’t want to give her an ultimatum (I think that’s an overall shitty move). But, I also don’t know what else to do to motivate her to shape up, get the help she needs and start contributing to our household and our relationship like she did before the pandemic knocked her down.

Any and all advice appreciated.
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Re: Advice please

Unread postby Raynethemagi » 9 March 2021, 01:50

That's very very rough. First of all, it's ok to feel like the frustrated party. You're trying to carry the relationship, but she's obviously not willing to meet you halfway. I think that's going to be a major problem going forth. You have put her needs before your own, but instead of her trying to reciprocate the same to you, instead it seems like she's just kind of.....existing.

So, whether you like it or not, you're going to have to put your foot down. And, it's not because you're trying to be mean or bossy, but when it comes to being in a relationship, both parties are supposed to be happy. Or, the opposite could be true to, that both parties are sad. It's not ideal to be sad, but if both of you are upset, at least you're upset together. But no, this is about the survival of your relationship, and it sounds like you do want to be with her through thick and thin.

I understand not wanting to give her an ultimatum. That's awfully kind of you, and that's ok, I don't suggest that either. But, you will have to sit down and talk this whole thing out. Like I said, she should be able to at least meet you in the middle. Maybe you can come up with a plan that'll satisfy the both of you. Maybe while you're out trying to fix this financial disaster, she could clean the house up. Pick up after herself. Make dinner. That's the least she can do.

The point is, I always say that a good relationship should be 50/50, and it should be that way most of the time. I understand that sometimes it becomes a 60/40, but the goal is to try to be on equal terms. This way, no one is doing, or outdoing, what the other one does. Think of it as kind of like a balance of powers.

Regardless of what you do, I would just sit down, explain what's going on, and work out a plan on how both your needs are met, and get to a place where both of you are on the same level. You should both be able to speak to eachother about anything, including your individual needs. I wish you the best of luck, cause I do not see an easy way of bringing this up period.
Here's an example of the Universe trying to tell you that you need healing in an area of your life:

Someone who struggles with showing emotion. This person, in their lifetime, will constantly struggle with this, and that is because, they choose to ignore or disregard the fact that they have trouble showing emotion. Most people will ignore this issue, and will continue to fracture themselves. And this goes with pretty much any problem that happens in your life that is recurring. Don't pass up an opportunity to make you "whole" again.
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Re: Advice please

Unread postby ActiveDoc » 10 March 2021, 00:23

I appreciate this response so much. Thank you!

Honestly, it was good just to put it all out there somewhere that wasn’t just within our relationship, and to hear that I’m not an asshole for being frustrated (never been accused of that by anyone but my own thoughts, to be clear). I’ll try to have another conversation about it and see where it all ends up... hopefully somewhere better than now.
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Re: Advice please

Unread postby Raynethemagi » 10 March 2021, 01:26

Oh, no you should never feel that way. When you're frustrated, you're frustrated, and don't ever be afraid to be frustrated. It's ok to have negative emotions, it's honestly human!
Here's an example of the Universe trying to tell you that you need healing in an area of your life:

Someone who struggles with showing emotion. This person, in their lifetime, will constantly struggle with this, and that is because, they choose to ignore or disregard the fact that they have trouble showing emotion. Most people will ignore this issue, and will continue to fracture themselves. And this goes with pretty much any problem that happens in your life that is recurring. Don't pass up an opportunity to make you "whole" again.
Raynethemagi
 
Posts: 199
+1s received: 62
Joined: 27 February 2021, 13:37
Country: United States (us)

Re: Advice please

Unread postby Jryski » 14 March 2021, 15:09

She has to get it together for the relationship to work. I would suggest a therapist. Stuff like that could get you dragged down into the hole with her. It’s rough supporting another adult human being when they’re not contributing anything.
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