Alone and Struggling to Meet People

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Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby Unknown_Gay » 1 October 2021, 13:38

I am 26, almost 27 actually. And I am really freaking out.

At the start of last year I moved to a new city. To do this, I left behind a boy in my life which every day I have forever regretted. I was relocating for work, and in my head I was thinking well, this work opportunity is harder to come by, more important than the boy I was with. In hindsight, I was all wrong. The right person is harder to come by. And it seems, without even knowing it, that person, that opportunity, came and went, and it is all, my, fault.

2 years on and I am still in this new city. I have very few friends. No one in my life who at the end of the day reaches out to me, wants to hear from me, wants to see me, wants to spend time with me.

At first I wasn't looking for a boy to date, but I have been craving it more and more, especially lately. I am on several dating apps, and hookup apps, and follow people on instagram. And still, no one is interested?

For the few I have had interested in me, some I have wanted to only be friends with. Some have wanted to call me boyfriend after the 2nd time we've hung out. And no matter how delicately I treat the situation, they all end up ghosting me, and I'm the one left feeling alone and hurt.

What am I doing wrong? What can I do differently? Mates and dates and dates and mates just doesn't seem to go down well together. Or is it me?
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby Eryx » 1 October 2021, 17:03

This kind of thing is completely random for the average person and there's no way of knowing how long it will take you to meet someone new who clicks with you. And if you're actually doing something wrong, we would only be able to tell if we actually enjoyed your company for longer than one forum post...

Anyway, just take it easy and don't give up. Let things happen, someone will come along. And it's always difficult to move cities, the only way to actually get a group of friends who care for you is actually spending a lot of energy on that. Since you're frustrated with dates, why not meeting groups of people with different interests, making some random friends and trying to have fun with that whole socializing thing (especially now that Covid is giving us a bit of a break)? That often also creates opportunities for relationships.
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby pozboro » 1 October 2021, 20:05

First off, you never know which trade off would cost you more in life and it's easy to assume it would have been better if you chose differently. "The grass is always greener ... " What if this chance is your one opportunity to go somewhere in your field? You could have stayed for love and ended up being let go in a year. It's also known some companies are pretty competitive and employees only get one chance. While you should know something like that about your employers, some of the other stuff is impossible to know.

It's also important to remember the last two years haven't been like the two years prior. Maybe your Mr Right has sworn off dating until the end of pandemic. While it does seem that more people are worried about coupling right now, I'm guessing more people are worried about dating right now as well, so maybe consider the context a bit more.

You mention dating apps and such. Maybe get out and do some things where you can meet people (when that makes sense in your city).
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby McTaggartfan » 1 October 2021, 21:45

Unknown_Gay wrote:I am 26, almost 27 actually. And I am really freaking out.

At the start of last year I moved to a new city. To do this, I left behind a boy in my life which every day I have forever regretted. I was relocating for work, and in my head I was thinking well, this work opportunity is harder to come by, more important than the boy I was with. In hindsight, I was all wrong. The right person is harder to come by. And it seems, without even knowing it, that person, that opportunity, came and went, and it is all, my, fault.

2 years on and I am still in this new city. I have very few friends. No one in my life who at the end of the day reaches out to me, wants to hear from me, wants to see me, wants to spend time with me.

At first I wasn't looking for a boy to date, but I have been craving it more and more, especially lately. I am on several dating apps, and hookup apps, and follow people on instagram. And still, no one is interested?

For the few I have had interested in me, some I have wanted to only be friends with. Some have wanted to call me boyfriend after the 2nd time we've hung out. And no matter how delicately I treat the situation, they all end up ghosting me, and I'm the one left feeling alone and hurt.

What am I doing wrong? What can I do differently? Mates and dates and dates and mates just doesn't seem to go down well together. Or is it me?


Hmmm. Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but, maybe stop calling men "boys?" Personally, I'd probably ghost you if you decided to refer to me by that word.
Last edited by McTaggartfan on 1 October 2021, 23:35, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby PopTart » 1 October 2021, 22:02

Get to my age and being called a boy is genuinely flattering. It also strains credulity and makes me wonder what the person in question is after, but I'm usually too busy gushing like a teenage school girl to pay those things much mind. :shrug:
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby McTaggartfan » 1 October 2021, 22:21

PopTart wrote:Get to my age and being called a boy is genuinely flattering. It also strains credulity and makes me wonder what the person in question is after, but I'm usually too busy gushing like a teenage school girl to pay those things much mind. :shrug:


How?? You're only 38, so it's not as though you're an ancient, decrepit husk that'll turn to dust the second someone so much as touches you.
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby PopTart » 1 October 2021, 22:30

McTaggartfan wrote:
PopTart wrote:Get to my age and being called a boy is genuinely flattering. It also strains credulity and makes me wonder what the person in question is after, but I'm usually too busy gushing like a teenage school girl to pay those things much mind. :shrug:


How?? You're only 38, so it's not as though you're an ancient, decrepit husk that'll turn to dust the second someone so much as touches you.

I've lived alot in my 38 years :P But more specifically, I've noticed a reduction in physical capability, in part due to major surgery a couple of years ago, but time too. Little things. Aches that I never used to get, a hill that leaves me breathless, where once it didn't. How I can be the oldest person in a bar, if I choose the wrong establishment. The ever increasing number of gray hairs upon my head. Being invisible to anyone under the age of 20 :lol: (That last one is kind of a boon, kids annoy the fuck out of me)

But I can no longer pretend to myself that I am a precocious youth.. well, and not feel like I'm slightly cracked and trying to lie to myself.

You ever seen a middle aged man, wearing clothes that belong on a person half their age? There is nothing sadder my friend.
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby McTaggartfan » 1 October 2021, 22:47

PopTart wrote:
McTaggartfan wrote:
PopTart wrote:Get to my age and being called a boy is genuinely flattering. It also strains credulity and makes me wonder what the person in question is after, but I'm usually too busy gushing like a teenage school girl to pay those things much mind. :shrug:


How?? You're only 38, so it's not as though you're an ancient, decrepit husk that'll turn to dust the second someone so much as touches you.

I've lived alot in my 38 years :P But more specifically, I've noticed a reduction in physical capability, in part due to major surgery a couple of years ago, but time too. Little things. Aches that I never used to get, a hill that leaves me breathless, where once it didn't. How I can be the oldest person in a bar, if I choose the wrong establishment. The ever increasing number of gray hairs upon my head. Being invisible to anyone under the age of 20 :lol: (That last one is kind of a boon, kids annoy the fuck out of me)

But I can no longer pretend to myself that I am a precocious youth.. well, and not feel like I'm slightly cracked and trying to lie to myself.

You ever seen a middle aged man, wearing clothes that belong on a person half their age? There is nothing sadder my friend.


Eh. I rather guess I just wouldn't worry or think about it so much as you do. The body is overrated; it's incredibly needy, constantly complaining about something or other, and overall just not that great. Far greater is the mind than the body, just as its offered pleasures and delights are of exceedingly greater value than those promised by the body. Perhaps I'm unusual in this respect, but I look far more to the former in my own life, and in judging others, than I do the latter.
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby McTaggartfan » 1 October 2021, 22:48

McTaggartfan wrote:
PopTart wrote:
McTaggartfan wrote:
PopTart wrote:Get to my age and being called a boy is genuinely flattering. It also strains credulity and makes me wonder what the person in question is after, but I'm usually too busy gushing like a teenage school girl to pay those things much mind. :shrug:


How?? You're only 38, so it's not as though you're an ancient, decrepit husk that'll turn to dust the second someone so much as touches you.

I've lived alot in my 38 years :P But more specifically, I've noticed a reduction in physical capability, in part due to major surgery a couple of years ago, but time too. Little things. Aches that I never used to get, a hill that leaves me breathless, where once it didn't. How I can be the oldest person in a bar, if I choose the wrong establishment. The ever increasing number of gray hairs upon my head. Being invisible to anyone under the age of 20 :lol: (That last one is kind of a boon, kids annoy the fuck out of me)

But I can no longer pretend to myself that I am a precocious youth.. well, and not feel like I'm slightly cracked and trying to lie to myself.

You ever seen a middle aged man, wearing clothes that belong on a person half their age? There is nothing sadder my friend.


Eh. I rather guess I just wouldn't worry or think about it so much as you do. The body is overrated; it's incredibly needy, constantly complaining about something or other, and overall just not that great. Far greater is the mind than the body, just as its offered pleasures and delights are of exceedingly greater value than those promised by the body. Perhaps I'm unusual in this respect, but I look far more to the former in my own life, and in judging others, than I do the latter.


But, frankly, my therapist does keep insisting that the extreme degree to which I prefer the mind over the body not only makes me often despondent, but also will one day lead to my death. So, take what I say with a grain of salt, I suppose. :shrug:
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby PopTart » 2 October 2021, 07:26

I think the mistake you make is in divorcing the mind, from the physical body. How can you willfully deny that entire aspects of the self are defined, by our physiology? Not only in terms of the mechanics of our thinking, but in the shape of our identities, influenced by wider society, which is very much concerned with the physical world and all that walks about in it? You might aswell declare, that, olfactory senses are base and lurid, lacking the sweet and elegant sophistication and nuance of vision and thus, you will eschew that, most often offensive sense.

All your doing is cutting your nose off. You don't get a better interaction with the world around you, you get less. Then wonder why the wine has lost it's flavour and why others recoil at the faeces, that in your olfactory impaired state, is a wonderful, if unconventional, thing of beauty, if you just think about it in the right way?

Why am I alone? Why doesn't anyone understand me?

Plus, Plato was all about denying the physical and Plato was an idiot.
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby PopTart » 2 October 2021, 07:35

Anyway, I have contributed to this thread twice but not in relation to the OP's issue and that is rude. My apologies.

I can't add much beyond what Eryx has said, which I think is sage advice.

I will add, try if you can, not to let your regret about this boy you left behind, overcome you. Such regrets can be powerful motivators for change, but similarly, that change can be very negative in a powerful way, if you nurse it, rather than learn to accept it and move past it. Which in truth isn't easy.

Don't dwell, keep going. Put your head down and set off in a direction and you might look up in a while and be surprised to find you have escaped the dark cloud under which you had been so unhappy and the world looks a little brighter.

Infact, have you been in touch with this boy you left behind? Have you spoken to him since? Has he moved on? Is there something precluding you from reaching out to him? While I'd advise against getting your hopes up, maybe he might remember you fondly too. Maybe he misses you as much as you miss him?
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby Kemontol » 8 October 2021, 18:16

McTaggartfan wrote:
Unknown_Gay wrote:I am 26, almost 27 actually. And I am really freaking out.

At the start of last year I moved to a new city. To do this, I left behind a boy in my life which every day I have forever regretted. I was relocating for work, and in my head I was thinking well, this work opportunity is harder to come by, more important than the boy I was with. In hindsight, I was all wrong. The right person is harder to come by. And it seems, without even knowing it, that person, that opportunity, came and went, and it is all, my, fault.

2 years on and I am still in this new city. I have very few friends. No one in my life who at the end of the day reaches out to me, wants to hear from me, wants to see me, wants to spend time with me.

At first I wasn't looking for a boy to date, but I have been craving it more and more, especially lately. I am on several dating apps, and hookup apps, and follow people on instagram. And still, no one is interested?

For the few I have had interested in me, some I have wanted to only be friends with. Some have wanted to call me boyfriend after the 2nd time we've hung out. And no matter how delicately I treat the situation, they all end up ghosting me, and I'm the one left feeling alone and hurt.

What am I doing wrong? What can I do differently? Mates and dates and dates and mates just doesn't seem to go down well together. Or is it me?


Hmmm. Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but, maybe stop calling men "boys?" Personally, I'd probably ghost you if you decided to refer to me by that word.


I'm with you. Unless it's a matter of different cultural terms.

If I went on a date with someone who told me that he was looking for a boy who's .....; that's a big turn off. How you adressed your future partner tells your expectation of the type of person you want to be with.

Also, it was quite a weird time the last two years. Making friends and dating weren't quite the same since pandemic. Give it some more time.
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby ethanroy011 » 13 October 2021, 05:14

Yahh.. sometime i feel struggle to meet people when i am at new environment but not all the time.
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 19 October 2021, 18:19

I have to admit I don't really follow the turns this thread has taken. Yes, "boy" sounds weird for over the early 20's, but at lest it wasn't "boi". However, I don't follow mentioning old in the late 30's. Age is relative, and whatever age, it DEFINITELY is better than the alternative: 6 feet under.

As to wearing age-inappropriate clothing, I'm not sure what that is. I don't stare at the youth, but from what I have seen, young men still wear shirts, pants, shoes, maybe socks just like everybody else. Sure it would look weird if an adult wore pajamas with themes like Batman with built in covered feet. However, I've never seen that. Sometimes people wear way to tight fitting clothing ,but does it matter if the overweight person is young or old? (On a personal note, my partner once bought a pair of blue jeans way too big for himself. They are also too large for me too. However, he couldn't return them, and I didn't want them go to waste. So I simply bought suspenders -- a belt made to hold up large jeans looks weirder than suspenders. Luckily, suspenders are not a fad amongst the youth -- though not common among older either. ;) However, I suppose it gives me that rural farmer look! ;) Oh well, as long as my partner doesn't mind, who cares? They ARE comfortable -- albeit not fashionable by any standard.

Personally what I find so much sadder (whatever age-inappropriate clothing is) is a man wearing women's clothing -- or what they think women would wear. Who wants to wear panties that were not designed to hold a cock and balls crotch configuration? While many of us are not completely flat chested like a board after a certain age, who wants to wear a bra? Many women don't even like to wear them. High heals likewise, many women don't like them either. I don't care if a dude is young or old, many of them look really weird when they try to imitate what they think a woman looks like. I suppose even sadder(or more appropriately called pathetic) than that is men (many supposedly straight) who find guys in such apparel that sexually appealing.

If I guy wants to look weird, why not do something like dress up like some humanoid found in sci-fi like Star Trek or Star Wars universes? For example:

https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/p__/i ... rotagonist

As to my own clothes, I wear whatever fits and is cheap - like Salvation Army cheap. They arrange them by size, not by age. Next time I'm there I'll see if they have any T-shirts that have any youthful themes just so I can pass for younger! ;)
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby pozboro » 19 October 2021, 19:41

yeah, I think it's weird when the adults at the local newspaper talk about things like adult onesies but it's happened at least a couple times. Guess it's a thing. I'm also not so sure that some younger folks (early 20s) wear things that seem more juvenile, sleep in the same superhero sheets they loved as a kid, etc. I'm not so sure that it means anything other than we are getting old(er).

I have occasionally seen one of my younger neighbors (very early 20s) wearing clothing that I thought odd - and frankly, it's too difficult to describe here. Just always assumed he worked in some sort of child-facing setting (daycare, parties, those kid-themed restaurants I avoid like a literal plague, etc). Hard to say.

It's not surprising but a tad disappointing that you are so put off by cross dressing in it's various forms. It's not my thing either, but I try to live and let live. Whatever floats the other's boat, it's no skin off my nose! (Gee, do we have an aphorism for death-by-too-many aphorisms? ;) )

But yeah, how did the conversation come to this? :lol:
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Re: Alone and Struggling to Meet People

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 19 October 2021, 23:34

Cross dressing used to bother me much more than it does now. For most of my childhood I was raised in a household of women -- my mother and grandma -- grandpa died when I was 7.5. So I always found cross dressing as an insult to women. Yes, I know that some one wrote an essay that said cross dressing is NOT like black face, but regardless of reading it, I would say they are both offensive.

To be honest, most of my recent years of dislike for cross dressing comes from my experiences on another board. People who are of the mind that they love cock, but not men. A subset talk about how they love trannies - chick with dicks because it is the the best of both worlds. (Or they themselves have to dress up before they have sex with me. I guess that is being kind of hetero-normative so toe speak. You never hear them talk about wanting to raise children, or any of those possitive typical female traits. They just want to be some str8 man's bitch and get his cock off..._

An individual that was bi leaning towards being a transman said that only liking cock wasn't an insult to just men for being put down except for their cocks (by these so called "str8 dudes who only like cock", but also to individuals with a vagina as it some how makes a vagina so much less desirable. So when y9u see dozens of post bombarding about how pretty and desirable trannies are, it gets really old. I'm not like most gay guys, i never craved cock. Sure I had an affinity for the back side, but even for that my primary thing was wanting a man's love. So I don't fit in nicely with any "group"..

Again, I have my guy, so I'm fine. It is just being bombarded with these alternatives gets old. Someone who craves cock attached to someone who wants to be a woman or wants to imitate a woman is not gay in my books, but NEITHER are they str8. Sometimes I think guys like to crave anything they want as long as they can convince themselves (and others) that they are not a fag/queer/whatever they deem as the lowest of lows. That will always bother me big time.

Note, I have nothing against the female form. I could probably have married. At least i tell myself that. For me I couldn't imaging coming home every day to a household where there was no men. I remember coming home to find out my wonderful grandpa died. I was only 7.5 years of age. He was a wonderful grandpa, and I missed him so much. (His life is ancient history as his 115th birthday would have been yesterday 18-Oc.; still I never forget him.) I remember remember hanging around my cousin one summer (I was 4.5 years old.), and I was so sad when he had to leave. (He was there for a few months to get him away from his dad that seemed to dislike boys. His dad was so sweet to his other children -- all daughters, but so mean to his son. I remember loving my dad who was not part of my life, except for 3.5 years in my early teens, only to find out he was a very dis-likable 0erson -- EXCEPT when he was drunk. Again, I'm way past all that at my age. I simply know how it affected my emotions and sexuality.

It sounds like I must cling to men for dear life. However, that isn't so true. For instance, I don't cling to my partner. When he gets off work around 11:30pm, I let him watch his TV and do his interests while I watch my TV and whatever I want to do. However, the fact that he comes home every night is such a big comfort. The fact that we "Sleep" together= every night also is a comfort. So again, I have my piece of heaven on earth.. To know that he is around is enough for me. I don't have to follow him around like a lost puppy.

I just find no comfort being around so-called guys with all these various "not gay, but gay sexing" hangups. I'm not looking for anybody other than my partner, but that doesn't mean I want to hang around such other people.
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