Am I completely wrong about dates ?

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Am I completely wrong about dates ?

Unread postby Eos » 27 December 2019, 21:19

Hi guys !

I would like to know if I'm acting badly concerning how I date.

I've seen too many people being overly excited about me.
And the weird thing is that I don't feel any good about being wanted.
Instead I just feel like there is some kind of wall between us and that we keep building until I don't want to them again.

I'm always honest, I keep telling that I don't feel anything yet and that I need time.

For one guy he just kept being enthusiastic so I couldn't go further, especially since he was too physical to me (nothing terrible, like tapping on my shoulders, trying to hug me) but since I didn't wanted it it didn't felt comfortable (and god knows how I'm looking for more physical contact).

The second guy understands it and never tried again. But he is really worried that his love doesn't match mine. I told him the truth that I don't feel like him right now, and if he is insecure about that we can stop right now. But I won't lie to myself. I don't know if it can go further, I just know he is nice. I don't if there is something he is missing so I can fall for him. I don't have anything to say on him that I do not like.

Anyway, am I wrong for needing time ? I feel like a lot of people will run away from me if I'm like that.

I feel that I'm always lacking in experience. And it is stupid but I feel bad about being still a virgin. I know some of will say that I shouldn't but it is how I feel, that I am not good to find people. I will not change the fact that I will not lose my virginity with a stranger.

Thanks for your answers.
Eos
 
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Re: Am I completely wrong about dates ?

Unread postby leleart » 28 December 2019, 08:59

Hi, Eos.

I can understand your confusion. Your experience is relatable to mine.

I used to have a similar so-called "relationship" like yours, where I did not have the same level of arousal as the other part did, it just like a piece of rotten fruit dangled on the brach for so long, and of course it ended up with a break-up. In that relationship, I was the slow ruuner that seemed to turn things off. At that times, I always ate and hang out with my partner, and basically, that's it. He clearly wanted something more and explicitly and impilicitly told me that, but I was quiet comfortable staying there at that times and rejected all his proposal for further action (such as kiss and more) .

After a while, both of us burned out, I did not know why I was still in that relationship since I was not feeling anything, and he was frustrated by the place where we were. At a point when he had to leave for another place and cannot physically be with me like we used to be, we mutually agree to broke up peacefully. We still chat online and meet up when he comes back casually.

After the break up. I went through a series of "introspection" or "self-reflection", and I realized that relationship was not what I want back that time. Back then, I just want to be with somebody, like a kind of companionship, instead of a relationship. Although seemly he did nothing wrong, I was still not able to feel the same way he felt me because I was not intend to or ready for that.

I also found out later as life went on that I am a slow type which means I have to have some time to know the person as a whole to actually develop further relationship. So don't feel there is anythings wrong with that, some people are just like that. I learned to accept this fact, and I believe you will think this through.

I am not a relationship guru or something alike, and like you said
Eos wrote:I feel that I'm always lacking in experience. And it is stupid but I feel bad about being still a virgin. I know some of will say that I shouldn't but it is how I feel, that I am not good to find people. I will not change the fact that I will not lose my virginity with a stranger.


Honestly, I even have less "experience" than you, and I don't know if it will make you feel better, I am still a virgin as well. Do I want change that? Absolutely YES, but does that mean that I will randomly give my very first time to someone I really don't know about just to change the fact that I am a virgin? Nah, I think I will pass that. FYI've tried NSA, not working for me, just can't do with that.

I believe it is not about the "experience" because there were a handful of people have all kinds of relationship before and maybe have 100 ex lined up in front of his home door but still can't get himself together. It is more important to figure out what you want first, and then go for it. You want to know what kind of personality you would like to be around and what words came from his mouth that may make you giggle. It's all about YOU to figure out what YOU want, and communicate together to find the spark.

I still remeber a quote I learned from my Human Sexuality class that
Relationship is not about change a person to make him or her fit you, but a mutual experience where both parts willingly shared with each other.
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Re: Am I completely wrong about dates ?

Unread postby Eryx » 30 December 2019, 06:00

I didn't read much of leleart's comment and I might review my reply after doing it, but I think you're just a good person to be around, and you probably have good values. Plus being attractive helps (though I'm assuming that, since I don't know how you look). So people will be naturally drawn to you and develop feelings.

I don't know if I'm doing it too easily or if it's just my luck, but out of my four ex-boyfriends, I've never been dumped. I can say I actually loved two of them, though I'm not even sure, because I'd still jump at one of my best friends if he ever told me he might be also interested in men. The guy I'm currently with is honestly miles ahead of all of the exes in pretty much every aspect, but for some reason I'm still warming up to it. I've had some jealousy crises while in the Northeast of the country though, so I'm suspecting that my feelings have developed into an intensity I haven't truly realized yet.

What I mean to say is that maybe you're just someone who is doing alright with how you treat people and share about your life, so you get people to develop affection with you quicker. Nothing wrong with that, actually it's quite the contrary. I guess all it takes is patience to thread through what you really want to do and keep looking for that person who gets you to go crazy. Or if you feel like someone might be worth sticking around and going deeper for love to develop, do it and you might surprise yourself.

My boyfriend isn't perfect, but the way he's making me behave and think about him are definitely signs of something I haven't felt in quite a few years. And it took a little while.

Good luck with figuring this out! But be patient and try not to get frustrated, something will spark up in time.
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Re: Am I completely wrong about dates ?

Unread postby Eos » 30 December 2019, 22:56

Thank you both for your replies, your stories will definitely help me understand myself better. I think you saw me well Eryx.

Well yes I definitely have good values(omg I hate saying that, but saying I'm an asshole would be lying), the first thing that would come to my mind is my honesty, the thing is that most people tend to sympathise with my past as well (even tough I won't talk about it by myself). A lot of people like the fact I am really shy (and it make even more shy I hate it lol).

I don't know if I'm cute but my self esteem is still a lot better than it was a couple years ago, the only thing that I dislike about myself are my teeth (I even learned to live and hiding them as much as I can).

I started falling in love some months ago but we both realised it wouldn't work out (he was too intellectual for me and I wasn't enough for him). Never felt like that ever since, tough I definitely miss that time. This "relationship" did need some time to develop, we were seeing each other very often since we were close, 2/3 weeks later I would have the need to see him (this feeling was cool but super weird at the same time since it completely vanished right when I saw him).

Anyway, today I'm still a bit confused about what I will do in the coming months, as I took a break from school (which will end next week) and never mixed up work and dates. But I still know that I want only true love, and I still know where I'm gonna work so there is that ^^
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Re: Am I completely wrong about dates ?

Unread postby Eryx » 2 January 2020, 17:17

Good luck! Keep us updated if you ever need someone to talk about it.
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You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
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Eryx
 
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