Am I just desperate?

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Am I just desperate?

Unread postby Jackalra55 » 23 September 2020, 15:31

Hi everyone,
So first of all, a little bit about me: I've known I was bi for about 6 months now but have only recently properly come out last week. I've never had a relationship before in my life (not sure if it's because of my face or because I was just never interested in that sort of thing) and I also very rarely ever get crushes. In my 20 years of life, I've had two proper crushes and neither have seemed to go well (the second is still ongoing but I'll get to that)
So recently, I've been really wanting a relationship. I know people say that you shouldn't just look specifically for one and one will find you naturally but when it hasn't happened for years, you begin to lose help a bit... I've tried tinder in the past once for a few months when I thought I was 100% straight but I just got rejected or ignored and it was extremely demoralising.
I think one of the main problems I have is that I'm probably being very choosy. It's probably why I've only had two crushes before. I feel like I need to know the person before I would want a relationship with them and I really need to trust them and get on well with them. I've found people hot in the past but I've never been properly romantically attracted to them - only my two crushes.
I really oughta explain a bit more about these crushes because it's one of the things that is complicating everything. So my first crush has been and gone and that was on my best friend during high school - ironically she found out about the crush last week but that's all fine. It's the second crush which is a lot more problematic.
So, I met the guy online around about the same time I started questioning my sexuality and we got on really well - he was sweet, we had shared interests which was rare for me because people don't tend to like the same things I do, and it also helped that I find him extremely attractive. Like the most handsome person I have ever seen in my life. We spoke daily for months and there was a bit of confusion at one point with certain stuff that made me question things but one thing led to another and I'm now living with the guy in university. Another thing which he never mentioned whilst I talked to him was that he had a long-term boyfriend. So I had a few nights feeling down because of yet another unreciprocated crush but everything got even more confusing surprisingly. You're probably wondering how confusing this all can get by this point.
So as a person, I'm a worrier. I tend to worry a lot about my friends and make sure they're ok and I can get quite prying into people's lives but I mean it with good intentions. And I'm worried about him quite a lot. From talking with him, it made my crush a whole lot more confusing. Like I still really really like him and I can't help that but also he goes against what I would want in a relationship; he isn't looking for serious things I don't think whereas I need that emotional fulfilment.
That's basically the entire story. It's a massive confusing mess and I just wondered if anyone has any advice at all for me? What should I do about my crush? Will it get better over time? What about the desperation because I really don't want to do something stupid? And also, is it normal to have these high expectations for relationships from people and to need to feel a connection? And if it is, how the hell do people date when they feel like this?
Thanks everyone!
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Joined: 23 September 2020, 15:11
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Re: Am I just desperate?

Unread postby dragonfire » 23 September 2020, 16:53

I don't know the details of your situation except for what you've written obviously, but it seems like a bad idea to get together with somebody who already has a long-term boyfriend. Especially if he has communicated that he's not looking for anything serious. That seems like a recipe for heartbreak on multiple levels to me.

As for your questions:

Personally I don't think you should pursue your crush. There will be others. That's just my opinion though.

Yes, it will definitely get better over time. Some scars never heal, but even they will become less painful as life goes on.

A question for you - are you desperate to get together with your crush, or with somebody in general? Either way, rushing things won't do you any good. I know it's cliche but you need to focus on yourself in the meantime. Talk to friends. Pursue hobbies. Do things you enjoy. Obviously you can look for dates, etc. but serious relationships take time and there may be many false starts before you find somebody you truly want to be with.

I feel like it is relatively normal, yes. The need to feel a connection is very valuable and you should listen to yourself there. Having high expectations is okay, but you need to be prepared for disappointment too. For your own sake.

The next person you date could be the one, or you could go through one hundred others before you find someone you have a real connection with. Either of these scenarios is fine. Love is messy, and slow.

I would maybe set your bar a little lower in terms of what you expect from a date. Go in expecting nothing. Obviously make sure they treat you well, you get along, etc. Always respect yourself and keep your dignity, no matter how desperate you may feel.

Dating is partly a waiting game unfortunately. Attraction is not something you can force. You just have to be willing to play the game. It can be hard at times, but also worth it if you're genuinely looking for something.

But only when you're ready. You need to be in a good place yourself first. Put yourself first, make sure you're happy in yourself and who you are, and then go looking for somebody else.

That's just my opinion anyway.
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