Am I overreacting ?

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Am I overreacting ?

Unread postby Safigooner » 23 January 2020, 18:15

Hey guys, I have been dealing with a problem in my relationship that I would love some advice on.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 20 months, we are in a closeted relationship, live 20 minutes apart, both staying at our parents' at the moment. We both live in a very homophobic society to keep in mind. We had our ups and downs along the way but we are happy.

We have sex twice on a daily basis, it's nothing that we agreed to, it just the way it shaped to be. We see each other twice a week and most of the time we have sex at least once.
Lately, I found out that he has been masturbating at least once a week between the time we get to see each other.
I personally don't do that, since I don't have the need to. I am satisfied with our sex life and I don't see a reason to masturbate especially when we have sex twice a week.
This issue bothered me, I felt not desired, not sexy, like I am not giving him what he wants and worst of all, I felt like he "cheats" on me. I actually got to the point of believing he rather jerk off than have sex with me. I addressed this issue with him, he told me I am acting crazy and since he has been jobless for the past 3 months, staying up all night , sometimes he gets bored, or can't sleep or feels horny and gets the urge to masturbate.
Even though I understand where he comes from, this issue still bothers me.
How would you guys deal with it ? And am I overreacting here ? I know I have insecurity issues and I try to deal with them but do I have a valid point here ? Am I entitled to feel this way ?

Thanks,
Safi
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Re: Am I overreacting ?

Unread postby Frigid » 23 January 2020, 18:44

You’re overreacting. Everyone has different levels of libido. Him masturbating has zero to do with you.
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Re: Am I overreacting ?

Unread postby René » 23 January 2020, 18:45

Don't be jealous of his hand. If it's not getting in the way of your (apparently very active and satisfying) sex life with him, then there shouldn't really be a problem — maybe he just has a slightly higher sex drive than you do, and maybe he's actually thinking about you all those times (though even if he didn't and watched porn or something, it's a far cry from cheating on you).

You have to realise that being insecure about things like this is actually likely to make him feel put off and make you less desirable to him, with the possible end result that he might actually go off you and want to be with someone else.

It doesn't mean you're not giving him what he wants at all. His explanation is very normal and very common. :)
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Re: Am I overreacting ?

Unread postby Safigooner » 23 January 2020, 19:01

I never actually thought he be cheating per say, it just it feels that way.
I know it is stupid and silly but it just bothers me, I look at myself and sometimes I too feel horny and wanna jerk off, but I say I better save it till we meet the next day or couple of days, he on the other hand doesn't.
And maybe I should have mentioned that I get the feeling that most of the time I am the one who initiates sexual act, this too had me thinking that because he masturbated a day before or so, his sexual desire diminishes.
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Re: Am I overreacting ?

Unread postby René » 23 January 2020, 19:44

It's quite common for one person to be the one who generally initiates, and it doesn't necessarily mean anything bad.

Regarding the effect of masturbation on sexual desire, I've often found the opposite is true: if I jack off, I'm more likely to get a random hard-on and want to do something in the next 24 hours. It's like it puts me in a pattern of getting turned on more often. So it can also be the other way around :D
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Re: Am I overreacting ?

Unread postby Eryx » 23 January 2020, 20:07

You're overreacting. Masturbation is a normal part of day-to-day life and it isn't at all weird that he does it while also being with you. You're the different one for not doing it to be honest. If that's something you can't handle, I think you should really work on getting over it, because if you break up with him over this, the more likely scenario is that every guy you meet after him will also like masturbating while they're not with you, and it's insane to ask someone to stop masturbating just to get into a relationship lol.

If someone asked me to stop jerking off just to be with them, I think I'd just choose my hand and get with someone else who isn't so high maintenance. Plus, if he's performing well -- I mean, you meet twice a week and you have sex four times! -- there's no issue here. You're actually being more sexually active than most people. You do you, but I don't think you should be complaining.
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Re: Am I overreacting ?

Unread postby Safigooner » 23 January 2020, 20:12

I think you guys misunderstood me. I am not mad at him, or definitely not asking him to stop jerking off. It's me, the problem is within me and I admit it, I wanted advice on how I should deal with it not him. I don't want it to bother me since it's perfectly normal, but for some reason that I can't quite figure out, it does.
That's what I wanted some tips on.
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Re: Am I overreacting ?

Unread postby Eryx » 23 January 2020, 20:14

Start jerking off yourself, then you'll realize it doesn't change your feelings for him and you're going to naturalize the behavior. Plus you'll get to orgasm more often and learn new tricks. And it's also pretty good for the mood in general. I always feel relaxed afterward. :)
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Re: Am I overreacting ?

Unread postby xeil » 27 January 2020, 16:51

Yes. You are overreacting. It doesn't mean anything. Maybe he just likes masturbating. Plus I remember having sex more times in a day and masturbating the same day because I felt so horny after all the good time I had that day. So stop worrying.
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Re: Am I overreacting ?

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 29 January 2020, 06:53

Safigooner wrote:I think you guys misunderstood me. I am not mad at him, or definitely not asking him to stop jerking off. It's me, the problem is within me and I admit it, I wanted advice on how I should deal with it not him. I don't want it to bother me since it's perfectly normal, but for some reason that I can't quite figure out, it does.
That's what I wanted some tips on.

My initial response was going to be to answer the topic's question and say you're overreacting, but that's been done and you've pointed out where you want advice.

I really think this is something you're going to have to come to terms with. In my experience - not a scientific fact, so hold off on the pitch forks - it's rare that two parties in a relationship have the same drive. One seems to generally be higher than the other.

As pointed out by Eryx, 4 times a week is a good amount of sex - especially if you only see each other twice a week! I also second what he says - masturbate a bit more yourself as well.

Maybe this is also something to take into account: if your boyfriend is used to getting off x amount of times per week and he has to suddenly decrease that amount, chances are he won't last as long when you guys have sex either.

I also support his reasoning behind it. He's bored, is at home a lot etc. Masturbation is a great way to pass the time! If you guys were living together and he then decreased your sex time so that he can sneak in a quick handy on his own, then you have an issue.

In short, whip your bad boy out and flog it whenever the mood strikes! :)
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