An inexperienced gay looking for advice

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An inexperienced gay looking for advice

Unread postby canadian_guy486 » 16 October 2021, 16:14

I’m not sure what to do anymore and I’m hoping others have been through the same and can offer some much needed advice.

This might be a bit long so I apologize in advance. I’m in my late 30s, and a very late bloomer. I’m currently in my first and only long term relationship, and I’ve been in the closet my whole life until about 3 years ago when I started dating my current bf. I live in a small-ish city and my family comes from a very traditional European background. My first experience with a man came when I decided try out tinder while I was on vacation in Florida many years ago. I just wanted to see what it was like to talk to some guys, but didn’t actually meet up with any of them. I ended up clicking with one guy unexpectedly, and it turned into a long distance thing for a bit. We met in person a few times over the course of 3 years and treated it like a relationship. He was younger than me and this was really new to both of us. He was my first everything: kiss, sexual experience, love, etc. I lost my virginity to him and opened my heart for the very first time. All of this at the ripe age of 32.

Over time the long distance thing took a toll. It was difficult not being able to see each other regularly, and me still being in the closet and keeping him a secret from everyone in my life caused a lot of frustrations. Eventually he ended it abruptly. I knew this day would come at some point, but it was still a shock. I asked if he met someone else and he assured me he didn’t. After about 2 weeks I discovered he did meet someone else while we were still a thing, and it completely broke me. I had never been with anyone else before him, and never even tried any other experiences because I was “with” him. I was pretty devastated and desperate to fill the void he left.

After that was when I decided I would actually try to meet guys locally. I ended up meeting someone new on tinder and we hit it off right away. I’m not sure why I didn’t give myself a chance to finally be free and have more experiences, but I had it in my head that I needed to find a solid long term relationship. So when talking to this guy he knew all of this. I made it clear I wasn’t looking for hookups and wanted something solid. We went out a couple of times and after the third date we had sex. My second ever sexual experience, and the first time in a year. I was really falling for this guy (I was very heartbroken and lonely so that was affecting my emotions). Literally the day after we had sex he ghosted me. Once again I spiralled and was desperate to find someone to fill the hole in my heart.

Two weeks go buy and this guy re-emerges. I was ecstatic thinking he wanted to be with me. Completely missing every obvious red flag, I agree to have sex with him again. And once again he ghosts me literally the next day. After that I learned my lesson and was done with him.

But once again my desperation to find a partner took hold. Again, I don’t know why I was so eager to start a relationship so soon after my heartbreak, but that was my goal. I was in my mid 30s at that point, and all the heteronormative concepts that were fed to me my whole life told me this was what I was supposed to do. So back to the apps I went and was just met with creep after creep. Finally after thinking hope was lost, I found a decent guy, we chatted and agreed to meet.

This time I took it slower. We went out a few times and just fooled around a bit in the car. After a month he was ready to make it official. I was still hesitant because I was still just a mess of emotions, which I probably should have been up front about with him but I wasn’t. So I agreed to make it official and become exclusive. I finally came out to most of my close friends, and was in my first official relationship.

Fast forward 3 years later and we are still together. We are and have always been completely monogamous. He’s a wonderful guy, very loving and caring. All of my friends adore him, and if I were out to my family, I’m sure they would love him too. His family is so wonderful to me and has welcomed me with open arms. However, herein lies my problem. He’s only the 3rd guy I’ve ever been with in the short time I’ve accepted my sexuality. I never had that stage in life where you experiment, and date, and flirt, and meet people. I never gave myself that chance to figure out who I am or what I want. Because of this, I’m finding myself yearning for what else is out there.

I’m finding my mind wandering a lot, thinking about being single and having fun and hooking up etc. I’m not saying I’m bored with my bf or that I don’t love him. I love him very much, and I know that he is the person I should be with. But I can’t stop thinking about “what if…”. I find myself fantasizing about being with other men a lot, actually becoming jealous of people who are free to explore their sexuality. Like a permanent case of fomo. This feeling is fleeting. It ebbs and flows from time to time. I’ll go a while and not think about it, but then the feelings keep crawling back. I don’t want to break up with my bf, but how can I think about a future and life with him when these thoughts are constantly there?

There’s nobody to blame but myself for putting myself in this situation. Because of my upbringing, and years of internalized homophobia, I denied myself that experience that every young gay man should have in their lives. So here I am in a relationship that many people strive for, and I’m on the brink of totally screwing it up. I’ve never had this convo with my bf because I don’t want to hurt him. We’ve discussed our past briefly, and he’s well aware of my significant inexperience. He’s mentioned to me that after ending a previous bad breakup, he went through a “slutty phase”. And as sad as this sounds I actually feel envious of him for that. One time early on I made a joke about having a threesome and he got really offended at just the thought of that. He’s made it very clear that opening up this relationship is a definite no, and if we were to ever break up, that he would likely cut me out of his life forever.

So I am here now asking for advice, because I don’t have a single gay friend in my life (another consequence of my own actions). I don’t discuss this with my straight friends as they just wouldn’t understand. How do I make these feelings go away? How do I see and appreciate what I have in front of me, and stop pondering the thoughts of being with other men? If these feelings haven’t gone away after 3 years, will they ever go away? I’m worried that over time I will grow to be resentful and unhappy.

Sorry for the long post. I literally just searched google for gay relationship forums and found this place. Hoping others can provide some insight. Thanks for listening.
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Re: An inexperienced gay looking for advice

Unread postby pozzie » 16 October 2021, 19:10

Welcome to the forum!

It's really hard to say what your future will hold. We lack crystal balls in our own lives, let alone the lives of others. Yet the fact that you write about your (lack of) experience and desires the way you do suggests that you already know the way forward.

It's entirely possible you two could build a good, happy, fulfilled life together and you'll forget all about your lack of a 'slutty phase.' That said, the way you write about being ghosted and then getting back together with the guy a few days later really confirms a lack of experience. While gay men might be a bit more willing to enjoy one-night stands, this is hardly the exclusive province of gay men: it's common in younger straights as well. One of the things many of us learn as we 'date' (and I mean going out for dinner either with or without something sexual following) is that not every encounter has to lead to something longer lasting or on-going. Some do. A lot don't. Also, some people believe in things like the "two day rule" (don't call for at least two days after a date, but never wait longer than four) and other such 'common sense' that might be just common non-sense. Still, as we date, we learn such ins and outs, for better or worse, hopefully long before "for richer, for poorer".

There are also the issues with internalized homophobia and not being out with your family of origin that are pretty concerning. These give me even more pause (about getting into a relationship) than your general lack of sexual and romantic experience. (Age isn't as relevant as you might think - we all develop at different rates and it's perfectly okay to do it later than the majority.) Will your family be more understanding if you're in a committed relationship? Or do you risk estrangement because they aren't ready to deal with your sexual orientation? If those around you are unaccepting and you do commit to this guy, then you're really left with only him - that's probably not the best approach.

The fact that you're interested in, pining for, some more experience before committing is the most telling. My hope is that you are able to find the answer within yourself, and, if you decide to wait to settle down, your current bf can be understanding and supportive. If not, then I have to wonder about his motivations and emotional maturity on some level. They say, "If you love something, set it free." Then there's the whole "If it's meant to be ... " aphorism as well.

Either way, I wish you the strength to decide for yourself what is the best way to proceed both with your family and with your boyfriend(s). Don't rush - whatever choice you make, it's better to feel confident you are doing what you really want to do.
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Re: An inexperienced gay looking for advice

Unread postby katzgar » 17 October 2021, 18:13

your first step is to fish where there are a lotof fish. Do you live in a large gay community? Try and find social venues with positive people like PFLAG or volunteer at a gay youth shelter.
Last edited by katzgar on 19 October 2021, 09:03, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: An inexperienced gay looking for advice

Unread postby dseag2 » 19 October 2021, 03:55

I was in lots of relationships when I was younger. Many were toxic and many were "one night" where I couldn't understand why I was ghosted afterwards. I did meet my soul mate in the early 90's and we have been together for 30 years. In retrospect, I should have read this and you should absolutely read it as well. The Velvet Rage is an absolute must for anyone who is gay...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjHeRVZSFB0
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Re: An inexperienced gay looking for advice

Unread postby katzgar » 19 October 2021, 09:04

dseag2 wrote:I was in lots of relationships when I was younger. Many were toxic and many were "one night" where I couldn't understand why I was ghosted afterwards. I did meet my soul mate in the early 90's and we have been together for 30 years. In retrospect, I should have read this and you should absolutely read it as well. The Velvet Rage is an absolute must for anyone who is gay...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjHeRVZSFB0


one night stands are not relationships.
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Re: An inexperienced gay looking for advice

Unread postby pozzie » 19 October 2021, 18:54

That may be true, but I can also say I had one-night stands that left more of a long-term impact than someone I dated for a few months. Not all one-night stands are quickies: it may also be a moment in time where two people shared some hours together and then parted for whatever reason.
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Re: An inexperienced gay looking for advice

Unread postby dseag2 » 21 October 2021, 01:46

katzgar wrote:
dseag2 wrote:I was in lots of relationships when I was younger. Many were toxic and many were "one night" where I couldn't understand why I was ghosted afterwards. I did meet my soul mate in the early 90's and we have been together for 30 years. In retrospect, I should have read this and you should absolutely read it as well. The Velvet Rage is an absolute must for anyone who is gay...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjHeRVZSFB0


one night stands are not relationships.


So glad to have an expert on everything on this forum. :gayblahblah:
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