Are my ex and I meant to be?

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Are my ex and I meant to be?

Unread postby DragonBurr » 8 September 2020, 18:23

Hello everyone.

I recently got out of a relationship that lasted about 4.5 months. Even though it was short we both felt like we were soulmates and had found our true love. Sure it was a lot of infatuation in the beginning but even after that phase passed we both were still very happy together. Also let me mention that he is 23 and I am 31 years old. He was mature in the way he viewed life and how to approach things but still cared more about video games and social media and was unemployed. He claimed to love guys older than him because of how immature everyone was his age. I asked him if he truly loved me despite our age difference and he always claimed yes. We both had been through similar childhood trauma as well and this was another key thing that brought us together. We understood each other's minds so well. I thought he was very clingy though in the beginning. I told him he didn't have to feel like he had to be with me every second yet he told me he wanted to. I thought that was unhealthy but I'll admit I loved being with him so much I never told him that it was unhealthy and enabled it.

One thing he didn't like was the fact I had other platonic gay friends. He got so jealous just because they were gay. Despite me showing him that there was nothing sexual about it. I'll admit I used apps like Grindr to talk to these people, but always showed him that it was platonic. Looking back that was stupid of me yes and I eventually stopped talking to these friends, but either way we still continued to love each other so deeply.

I also had periods of depression where it would bring me down for a few hours and I couldn't really open up about it. I know it looks like I don't care to open up to him but that wasn't the reason. I just had trouble explaining the depression. I told him please trust me that it had nothing to do with him. I had a negative mindset a lot of the time due to my past and it would always ruin the rest of his day even when I would cheer up fairly quickly.

He also had mood swings and suicidal thoughts due to his past occasionally which would bring him down. I was always there to comfort him and tell him it's ok. He would feel really bad about it and I would always tell him that there's no reason to feel bad. I'm his boyfriend and I'm here for him. He always thought it bothered me though despite me telling him it did not.

Despite this we remained so in love and happy overall with each other.

About two months in my ex began to feel a little uncertain due to our core hobbies being different. Yet he kept it a secret. I personally didn't care about our core hobbies being different because we had so many other things in common and the love we shared was definitely real. I know no two people are exactly the same and I tend to focus on things like mentally being able to connect with your partner and understand their feelings rather than personal interests. I could tell he was getting annoyed by me not being a gamer though. He would nicely try to say things to hint at the fact he didn't want to spend every day together. Now obviously I am fine with that, but if the reason is because he is unhappy with me then that's a whole other issue.

However I picked up on this quickly and I'll admit I didn't mention it to him either because I didn't want to break up. That was stupid of me yes. I assumed he was going to leave me and just couldn't handle the idea of being without him. so I made the stupid mistake of flirting with another guy online. Never had any intention of meeting him or physically cheating on my ex, it was just an emotional irrational action in the moment, but I know it was still wrong. He found out and was upset obviously, however we quickly opened up to each other about how we were feeling and why we did the things we did and made up immediately. I just felt like this was a sign we were truly meant to be.

Over the next couple weeks though he would bring up what I did. I would always say I was sorry and tell him he means the world to me. However I would also try to use logic and bring up the fact that what he did as well by not expressing his true feelings was wrong in an attempt to help him realize we both just acted on emotions and made a stupid one time mistake. He never liked this however and never took responsibility for his actions. Despite all of this the arguing stopped as I proved to him he could trust me by never keeping any secrets from him. We continued literally not being able to keep our hands off each other and sharing so many special memories together.

Then he eventually broke up with me out of the blue three and a half months into it. Claiming he just couldn't handle our differences anymore and that he had mental issues he needed to get over including an irrational mistrust issue and paranoia. I tried to reason with him and tell him it's ok nobody's perfect, we all have negative traits and I'm willing to work with him because we love each other so much. He told me I just don't listen and want things my way. I'll be honest I feel the same way about him but realize that's just human nature. I've just never seen someone be so happy and in love while secretly claiming to have been so miserable. It just confused me so much.

We continued talking after the breakup a few times and some bad things were said. Then when I finally got the strength to tell him I am over him he begged for me to take him back. Which I of course did because we were still crazy about each other. The next month was just as wonderful as ever.

Then once again he decided to dump me two weeks ago claiming the same reasons as the first time. He told me he still loved me and would consider getting back together in the future but nothing was certain and I should just leave him alone. I'll admit I was devastated and begged for him to take me back for a few days. I know this never works but he kept responding to me telling me he loved me so much as a friend and cared about my feelings. I eventually stopped texting him and when I did he started asking me if I was upset at him when I didn't respond right away. I told him I was just finally giving him his space and was ready to move on and thanked him for caring. I was confused why he cared if I was upset or not because what he always wanted was for me to leave him alone. However I took it as a message he still wanted to give it another chance. Well we met 4 days ago at his suggestion for a sexual encounter as friends and it just turned into a big argument where a lot of rude things were said and he told me to get out of his life forever. I told him he needs to stop giving me mixed signals, he said I just always misunderstand things.

Anyways since then he has still told me once that he loved me and we both apologized for what we said to each other. We obviously both care about each other soo much and he told me he would talk to me again when he was ready. I am moving on as well. I mean it seems like some movie we're in with all the shit we've been through yet still love each other. I am still deeply in love with him but we both claim we love each other as friends now. We've been in no contact for a couple days now and tbh I just feel like it will eventually work out again once we both make the changes we need to make on ourselves. Nothing is certain though of course.

Sorry for the long post but just wanted to hear people's opinions. Thanks everyone I greatly appreciate it.
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Re: Are my ex and I meant to be?

Unread postby Jryski » 8 September 2020, 21:22

Tbh, he doesn’t sound mature at all. He’s a insecure little whiny brat and it’s best to move on. I feel like you are working way too hard on the relationship than he is. He might grow up a bit as he ages, but unemployed gamer just screams petulant child. Don’t mean to be mean, but he also sounds manipulative. Being upset when you say you need time alone and then acting in a way so you don’t get your alone time because you have to focus on giving him attention is toxic behavior. Your feelings feel like an rollercoaster ride and you mention to him that he’s giving you mixed signals but he turns that around on you being crazy and taking everything wrong is called gaslighting. It’s a manipulation technique to disassociate you from the reality of something. Over time, what that does is that it erodes away at your trust in your judgements and perceptions which makes it easier for someone to come in and dictate how you should or shouldn’t feel. I can pick apart all his behaviors but this is what I see already by simply skimming through what you’ve written.
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Re: Are my ex and I meant to be?

Unread postby DragonBurr » 8 September 2020, 21:39

Well thanks I appreciate it. He was actually quite wise in a lot of ways. He helped me see things in a much more positive way. The people he lives with enable his behavior though. They were very sweet to me and called me family. It was kind of a weird situation he had though. He still lived with his ex boyfriend and the ex boyfriends mother. He moved in with them in 2018 shortly after he got together with his previous boyfriend. They are just sweet people and wanted to take in a sweet struggling young man. He worked until January of this year but lost his job due to being a victim of a sting operation when he sold alcohol to a minor. He also had mental health issues like myself so he decided to take a break from work. He and his ex broke up just before we got together this past April. His ex and the mother continued supporting him and allowing him to live there because they are sweet, but they seem to not care at all that he doesn't have a job still after 8 months. Also even though I was considered family even after we broke up, the people he lives with decided to stop talking to me after our last fight. I guess they were just lying about considering me family. Kind of ironic, they still considered him their son after he broke up with his previous ex. They also considered me a son but apparently when I was dumped by him that label was quickly revoked. Just so emotionally stressful since they were my only family as well. I reached out to them for support and they didn't care.

Even though he is unemployed he is a hard worker and so loving. He does a lot to help out with people when they need help. I'm not rich by any means and he still loved me so much. Idk I just can't seem to criticize him because I look for the good in people.
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Re: Are my ex and I meant to be?

Unread postby Jryski » 8 September 2020, 22:12

Everyone’s wise in some ways. I’m sure there are positives to him but unacceptable behavior is still unacceptable behavior. The other family may be sweet but I wonder what it is about your last fight that made them stop talking to you. Bumming off of someone for 8 months is not acceptable even if it is offered. As an adult if that has happened to me, I would’ve gotten a job at mcdonalds or some random place for the time being. You may not be able to criticize him, but I don’t think what you’ve described is a good fit for you. Go for someone that is independent and can have adult conversations without flying off the handle. Jeffrey Dahmer once said, “Why are people racist? We all taste the same.” I thought that was eerily wise. Does that mean that he’s a good partner? No. Not at all.
Last edited by Jryski on 8 September 2020, 22:29, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Are my ex and I meant to be?

Unread postby DragonBurr » 8 September 2020, 22:23

Yes you're very right. It doesn't matter I just need to get over him. I appreciate it. I just have this emotional attachment to him because of his charm and how we were both there for each other in difficult times. I know that's not all that matters but it's just hard to get over.
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Re: Are my ex and I meant to be?

Unread postby Jryski » 8 September 2020, 22:28

DragonBurr wrote:Yes you're very right. It doesn't matter I just need to get over him. I appreciate it.

Just a word of caution. What I’ve said is only something to consider and think about. I’ve never met this kid and can not properly evaluate your situation. I’m only basing my observations off of what you have said. Only you know your situation best and it’s up to you to sort out your feelings, trust yourself, and make an educated and healthy choice for yourself. Good luck! :)
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Re: Are my ex and I meant to be?

Unread postby DragonBurr » 8 September 2020, 22:35

Yes I know. I really appreciate your help. I keep getting told the same thing that you have told me though and I refuse to accept it. I'll admit I have a hard time moving past emotional attachment from such deep love. I know it's illogical but I just feel somehow it will work. Tbh I sometimes feel like we were so alike mentally and emotionally and that's why we were so in love, but at the same time that can be a recipe for disaster. Like trying to argue with yourself I guess.
Last edited by DragonBurr on 8 September 2020, 22:42, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Are my ex and I meant to be?

Unread postby Jryski » 8 September 2020, 22:39

DragonBurr wrote:Yes I know. I really appreciate your help. I keep getting told the same thing that you have told me though and I refuse to accept it. I'll admit I have a hard time moving past emotional attachment from such deep love. I know it's illogical but I just feel somehow it will work.

It’s quite normal to feel that way. Codependency is very real and makes people constantly go back to people that are not good for them. This rollercoaster feeling you’re describing is a major sign that your relationship was destructive and toxic as hell. *hugs*
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Re: Are my ex and I meant to be?

Unread postby DragonBurr » 8 September 2020, 22:41

Thank you *hugs*
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