Autistic and Wanting a Relationship

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Autistic and Wanting a Relationship

Unread postby rfitzhen83 » 19 August 2020, 21:38

Hello,

One of the things I have been thinking about is looking at having a relationship with someone. This too I have been thinking about for several years. The problem with this is I do not want a conventional relationship layout and what makes it difficult too with this is being autistic which means that forming relationships is not easy. There is also the sexuality issue as well as I worry that they may not accept the fact that I am bisexual.

From this I do not want to get married, nor do I want children. I do not want cohabitation either. I would like it to be a case of that we meet up when we want to and are not living in each other's pockets. Other possible arrangements is that the relationship is either the traditional open relationship where we have different sexual partners if we want to or a polyamorous relationship. I do not really believe in monogamy. I will start looking soon online for some websites but where to start I do not know. A friend of mine has suggested that I look for websites or facebook type groups directly for people with autistic tendencies and that I look for 'Aspie and Autism' groups. She says it's not unusual to want a partner but not want to live with them, certainly in those circles. She also said that she was not necessarily suggesting that I find a partner with similar attributes, just that I would be able to speak up about what I'd like without being dismissed.

I am posting this to see what others would think and if they have any ideas that might help.
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Re: Autistic and Wanting a Relationship

Unread postby René » 20 August 2020, 12:21

Married Aspie here. (Actually in a committed three-way polyamorous relationship with a husband (who is actually bisexual and also has Asperger's himself) and a boyfriend.)

I don't see why being bisexual would be an issue for anyone per se.

Having Asperger's also doesn't seem to be an insurmountable stumbling block if you're able to adapt to some extent and have enough patience to wait for someone who likes you and matches you to show up.

Personally though, I can't imagine the end goal of a relationship not to be living together and growing old together. I don't see the point otherwise. If being with someone with whom you have an emotional and sexual connection enhances your life, why wouldn't you want that all the time? And to have that security, always being there for each other, looking out for each other, pooling resources, having extra income to fall back on should one person become temporarily or permanently incapacitated, only having to pay one set of utility/mortgage/rent bills for 2 or more people, more disposable income, etc. (I can think of many more reasons that appeal to me, but these seem like some relatively objective ones.)

I mean, you do you :D I just don't get it, and I imagine most people feel the same way because the above just makes practical sense, in addition to satisfying emotional longings that most people have, and that's why it's relatively hard to find someone who doesn't, and even harder to find someone like that who's compatible with you if you have an autism-spectrum condition.
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Re: Autistic and Wanting a Relationship

Unread postby rfitzhen83 » 22 August 2020, 11:58

I agree with most of what you have written but the one part I do not agree with is that you need to be with someone all the time. There are a growing number of people in relationships that are choosing to not cohabitate and one of the reasons for that is finance and I think you can be with someone growing old together without necessarily living together. Living with someone does not appeal to everybody.

You are right in saying that having Asperger's doesn't seem to be an insurmountable stumbling block if you're able to adapt to some extent and have enough patience to wait for someone who likes you and matches you to show up but some people on the Autistic Spectrum have great difficulty with adapting.
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Re: Autistic and Wanting a Relationship

Unread postby René » 22 August 2020, 20:57

rfitzhen83 wrote:I agree with most of what you have written but the one part I do not agree with is that you need to be with someone all the time. There are a growing number of people in relationships that are choosing to not cohabitate and one of the reasons for that is finance and I think you can be with someone growing old together without necessarily living together. Living with someone does not appeal to everybody.

It's not so much a matter of agreeing of disagreeing - note I didn't say you need to be with someone all the time, just that I'm trying to understand why you wouldn't want to if you enjoy being with that person or those people. And it's not like it would really have to be all the time; you could still be doing your own thing a lot of the time, possibly in a completely different place, in different company, or alone in a different room, or even in the same room but not interacting (much).

rfitzhen83 wrote:You are right in saying that having Asperger's doesn't seem to be an insurmountable stumbling block if you're able to adapt to some extent and have enough patience to wait for someone who likes you and matches you to show up but some people on the Autistic Spectrum have great difficulty with adapting.

I'm sure I'm very lucky in that respect.
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Re: Autistic and Wanting a Relationship

Unread postby René » 23 August 2020, 17:25

rfitzhen83, I'm trying to understand some of the post reports you have submitted to the moderators regarding this thread. Did you mean to report my immediately preceding post as well as the one you yourself made before that for violating the forum's rule on being mature and respectful? :glasses:
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