Awkward situation with a contact from an app

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Awkward situation with a contact from an app

Unread postby Nerevar » 2 February 2019, 00:15

Hi everyone.
A while ago I chatted online on an app with a guy of my age. We met and we chatted. He was not my type, actually, and I mean that on a broad level (I am shy and introvert, he is the reverse) but chatting with him was not uninteresting because of shared areas of interest (PhD research, teaching), even though I felt he was a bit peculiar sometimes.
We chatted on an unregular basis from time to time despite that. Some time afterwards, we met again, he showed me his flat and although I was not really in the mood we had intercourse. It was during a period when I was quite depressed because of work and other things, and I had some encounters I did not really ponder about much.
Since I'm quite socially awkward, I have sometimes a hard time telling someone if I am really interested or not. And it can be hard to dissociate the chatting (which can be OK), the will to meet and the will to have fun. I have also problems with reciprocity of the will to chat and to meet. With this guy, it was always he who initiated the talking. Actually, we never chatted much except in a café the first time... but somehow through the apps he got my Facebook.

A while ago he admitted that he had problems. Actually he has had a trial about an affair, something with a student apparently, and I admit that this could explain his bitterness and oddities. He seems to be in a kind of probation (if this is the right word). Of course he did not give details. But I admit I felt really bad and awkward when he told me that.
He chatted again today after a long silence and I am really quite embarrassed.
This guy is unquiet, troubled, by his situation, of course. I don't judge him and I can't judge him. He seems to be lonely, else he would not talk with me, even though we don't really know each other. But I feel bad for several reasons : I feel ill-at-ease when he wants to chat with me. It's not a friend, I don't really know him and I don't want to be rude but it's surely a "natural" reaction to be embarrassed because of his situation. On the other hand, he alludes to the fact to have fun again sexually while I'm no longer interested at all.

But how to tell him that ? It's as if I would reject him in a harsh way in this strange circonstances, while in a normal context it would not be a problem (it would be a matter of respectuously saying that he is not my type, or that we should stick to the chatting). I am uneasy about this and I don't really know what to do...
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Re: Awkward situation with a contact from an app

Unread postby PopTart » 2 February 2019, 00:20

Be upfront. Don't let this guy labour under the impression that there is more going on, than there is.

If he is a decent sort and is open to friendship (if thats something you want) then tell him you'd be open to that, but your not looking for anything intimate with him.

It's usually better to be open about such things, if he gets upset and cuts you off, his loss. He has lost out on a friend. If not, perhaps the two of you could talk, without you feeling like there is this huge elephant in the room.

Be sensitive about it, respectful and if he asks question about why you aren't interested in him sexually, you can either give it to him straight (you just don't feel that way) or you can be gentle and put it across that you aren't really feeling into anything sexual with anyone in particular.
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Re: Awkward situation with a contact from an app

Unread postby Nerevar » 2 February 2019, 00:38

Thank you PopTart.
The thing is that we're really, really, different. Even though I'm shy and introvert, I can be OK with the fact to chat and to discover someone new, but... there are people you're OK to meet while thinking "Why not ? After all" and others you're more in a "I want to see him" way of thinking. And I frankly thought he was thinking the first thing too. I am the kind of person who can't mimic a friendship, of course, but who has also problems to tell a resolute "no" so that not to get into complicated situations.

I've told him that indeed I was not interested sexually with anyone these last months, which is almost true.
I guess it's my fault, I should have said to him that we had had a good conversation at the start but that it was all. :( I know it can be annoying, but it's quite the norm about this kind of meetings through websites and applications (many told me that and it was OK for me... but I was not in a crisis).
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Re: Awkward situation with a contact from an app

Unread postby PopTart » 2 February 2019, 00:43

You have to think of it like this, would you want someone in your life, that didn't really want to be there, but was there out of a sense of obligation or pity?

Would that be what you needed? Even in a crisis?

Tell it to him straight, you don't have to be mean about it, You can make a reasonable excuse, otherwise your there under false pretense and that kinda sucks.

I guess only you can decide if he would cope with such a thing, but ultimately, if your not feeling the friendship, what kind of support can you realisticly give long term?
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