Break up is killing me

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Break up is killing me

Unread postby Gaycraig » 29 January 2019, 13:18

Sorry if this is a long post. I don’t know what to do

I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years. It wasn’t the healthiest of relationship towards the end but never the less I loved him and still do.
We split in December and I’m struggling to cope without him. I’m the keep texting him whereas he didn’t he want that.
As of Monday he has blocked me on everything and I have no way to contact him. I don’t want to be that crazy boyfriend who keeps trying to talk to him but I’m so upset and lost without him that I’d rather not be here.
He treated me badly and cheated on me but I have no friends or family who I can talk to about this and he’s my best friend in the world. I’m distraught

He’s moved on so quickly that it makes me feel 10x worse. I just wish he was finding it as hard as me no matter how cruel that seems

Is there anything I can do to cope. I wish we never met so I didn’t feel this heartache
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby DannyBoy99 » 29 January 2019, 13:49

Just gonna say straight off the bat, this aint a long post at all dont worry haha.

Honestly the fact that he has blocked you off of everything is a big help. it may not seem it now but thats going to be the quickest way to try and get over him. Best thing for you to do is find something to put your energy into now. I.e work, uni, hobbies?

He may seem like he's not finding it hard to be without you, but you just have to think about yourself and how you plan on coping yourself. You can never fully know what anyone is thinking so it's best for you to just think about yourself from here on out.
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby Eryx » 29 January 2019, 13:55

I don't think coming back to him is the answer, buddy, clearly he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. At least not anymore. Now it's time for you to find yourself again, focus on what you like to do and your own projects, go out more, meet new people, create new friendships and relationships so that you can feel like you're stepping into a new chapter in your life.

Activities, exercise, outdoors, new bars if you indulge, new friendships... That's the way to go now.

It sucks, and it hurts immensely right after it happens, and we feel lost and directionless... but it passes. You can make it pass quicker by focusing on yourself and your projects or you can drag it out and feel miserable for a while, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. I don't recommend it.

I hope you get out of this and feel better soon. I know at this point it may feel like you'll never meet someone special again, but your brain's lying to you. There's someone else out there for you, and they can always be better than something that ended.
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby Gaycraig » 29 January 2019, 15:50

Thanks both for the nice replies
I think the hardest thing is that I don’t have friends at all so I can’t go out and forget him

It’s not the case that I want to be back with him because I know we don’t work but equally to not have him there as my friend or someone to talk to is horrible. I’ve lost my best and only friend and now everything I do I have to do alone with nothing to share.
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby Eryx » 29 January 2019, 16:35

You can try making new friends, no?
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby mxguy01 » 29 January 2019, 19:51

Gaycraig wrote:.... I’m the keep texting him whereas he didn’t he want that ...


I think that is somewhat telling. What I'll say is I broke up with a guy and when he wasn't respecting that we moved our relationship to "friendship" I closed the door totally at that point if you understand that expression.

So yes, you need to work on moving on. Not always easy but needs doing and no one else but you to get it done. Get up, get out and make some friends. Really not hard when you set your mind to it. But setting your mind to it is required.

Last note, after some time passed we are back together with a better understanding of each other, on both accounts.
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby shadow_x » 29 January 2019, 20:28

Both all great words of wisdom so I won’t add anything else just sending you some gay hugs :hug:
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby mastmck » 29 January 2019, 22:29

Hi
I've never had a boyfriend so I'm not experienced in break ups but my opinion is :
- Constantly trying to contact him wasn't helping so him blocking you will make it easier for you to get over him
- To help you cope just tell yourself that if he mistreated you and cheated on you then you are better off without him
- And as for having no friends, you do, you have everyone on this forum
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby Midlifewotsit » 29 January 2019, 22:48

I can relate to your situation as something similar happened to me. A six year relationship came to an end because it's what he wanted. One day I had a boyfriend, a family and friends, the next our friends were now his friends, our family were his family and I was pretty much alone. Just as with you I couldn't understand how he could move on so quickly while I was struggling just to find my feet again.

If I have some advice it's to be selfish, only do what you want to do, don't be an ass but it's ok to put yourself first for a while. Also don't think too far ahead, just keep yourself ticking over for a while. It's a total cliche but time is the best healer Any form of distraction is good, for me it was to go back and continue my education but that was specific to me. I also found video games a good way to wile away some lonely hours.

I wish there was some pearl of wisdom I could impart that would give you guidance on getting over it but I haven't found it myself.
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby Vertical » 29 January 2019, 23:41



I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years

he’s my best friend in the world

but I have no friends or family who I can talk to about this

You didn’t lose only your main service provider, you lost your only service provider, because you lack (1) a best friend, (2) other friends and (3) a surrogate family. You were too lazy to do your homework in the last 8 years. Relationships often begin with love and very often end with hate – does that surprise you? The most difficult part of the relationship competence examination comes when the relationship is over. Climbing a mountain can be difficult, but the descent can be even more challenging, and there is no more motivating anticipation once the peak experience is over. The suicidal lover hopes for an easy solution. But there is no easy solution. Just do your homework. And find a new boyfriend.
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby EleniDoSorto66 » 29 January 2019, 23:44

Honestly, guys, is it really that easy to make friends - with other gay men I mean? lol

I mean from personal experience if I talk to a guy he generally thinks I'm trying to hook up with him.

Most of the gays I met at the bars/clubs were some really cool dudes lol. Some people met - not so much (snobby old jaded queens). I would advise that if one goal is to go out and meet others to be careful; this may actually cause more problems due the possibility of facing rejection - and we're trying to build you up here, not tear you down. Perhaps, then, maybe you should have some downtime to yourself and reflect on what you would like out of life? Figure yourself out. However, I do agree that keeping yourself preoccupied is the best option for you.

Try and stay strong. It'll get better
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby mxguy01 » 30 January 2019, 00:04

EleniDoSorto66 wrote:Honestly, guys, is it really that easy to make friends - with other gay men I mean? lol

I mean from personal experience if I talk to a guy he generally thinks I'm trying to hook up with him.

Most of the gays I met at the bars/clubs were some really cool dudes lol. Some people met - not so much (snobby old jaded queens). I would advise that if one goal is to go out and meet others to be careful; this may actually cause more problems due the possibility of facing rejection - and we're trying to build you up here, not tear you down. Perhaps, then, maybe you should have some downtime to yourself and reflect on what you would like out of life? Figure yourself out. However, I do agree that keeping yourself preoccupied is the best option for you.

Try and stay strong. It'll get better


Honestly limiting it to just gay friends would make it way harder. Although you might argue that a gay guy might understand better, I'd argue it would be easier to find a straight person capable of understanding.
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby RJD » 30 January 2019, 00:58

mxguy01 wrote:
EleniDoSorto66 wrote:Honestly, guys, is it really that easy to make friends - with other gay men I mean? lol

I mean from personal experience if I talk to a guy he generally thinks I'm trying to hook up with him.

[...]


Honestly limiting it to just gay friends would make it way harder. Although you might argue that a gay guy might understand better, I'd argue it would be easier to find a straight person capable of understanding.


I agree that limiting to just gays would make it a tad more difficult; any friend in general can offer some empathy or an opinion. I think that location matters as well; besides a drag queen, I have never met any of my good gay friends in our "gay spots". Sports, events, downtown, wherever, just going up to people and striking up a conversation helps to measure whether or not you think a friendship can bud. From there, just set up times to hang out. If there is confusion, clear it up quickly; unclear expectations can be rather bothersome.

As for the OP - breakups can be pretty damn painful, and you will grieve the loss of your relationship a little differently every time. The advice given here is good, but I would add find the thing to do that puts the breakup a bit further in the back of your mind, and do that more often (assuming it is healthy and safe). I started mentoring budding designers and media productions would be's after one myself, that didn't work for the subsequent breakup and I had to find something else. It'll be different for each unique relationship; just know that the people here will generally always be wiling to lend an ear. Opinions tend to come whether you want them or not.
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby mxguy01 » 30 January 2019, 02:45

RJD wrote:
mxguy01 wrote:
EleniDoSorto66 wrote:Honestly, guys, is it really that easy to make friends - with other gay men I mean? lol

I mean from personal experience if I talk to a guy he generally thinks I'm trying to hook up with him.

[...]


Honestly limiting it to just gay friends would make it way harder. Although you might argue that a gay guy might understand better, I'd argue it would be easier to find a straight person capable of understanding.


I agree that limiting to just gays would make it a tad more difficult; any friend in general can offer some empathy or an opinion. I think that location matters as well; besides a drag queen, I have never met any of my good gay friends in our "gay spots". Sports, events, downtown, wherever, just going up to people and striking up a conversation helps to measure whether or not you think a friendship can bud. From there, just set up times to hang out. If there is confusion, clear it up quickly; unclear expectations can be rather bothersome.

As for the OP - breakups can be pretty damn painful, and you will grieve the loss of your relationship a little differently every time. The advice given here is good, but I would add find the thing to do that puts the breakup a bit further in the back of your mind, and do that more often (assuming it is healthy and safe). I started mentoring budding designers and media productions would be's after one myself, that didn't work for the subsequent breakup and I had to find something else. It'll be different for each unique relationship; just know that the people here will generally always be wiling to lend an ear. Opinions tend to come whether you want them or not.


Funny thing is sometimes that is all it takes to start a friendship. Motocross and exercise are activities I used (and still use). Exercise is my alone time and feel good time. It's a time I don't bother even recognize the existence of others. My headphones are always on and I'm tuned out during so no conversations can interrupt. Motocross however I will start talking with pretty much anyone who is not a shit. Believe it or not your typical moto guy (even person as there is a small female faction) is a pretty decent person. Sure they would kill you to win the race but off the track they are actually human LoL. I'd say my one moto friend is now in that "best friend" stage. That doesn't happen often for me. He's straight. But what would you prefer an gay guy you don't connect with or an straight guy you connect with but well "relationship" is out <- just making my point because answer is obvious.

In my case I am going rather slow with the friend thing. They can be as much to deal with as relationships tbh. My friend circle is horribly small. I only have so much patience to do the friend thing so really a small circle of friends is enough for me.

So, I'd stress, as point out by others, the importance of finding activities to immerse yourself in to an extent. Idle time tends to not go well, at least for me.
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby Stardust » 30 January 2019, 08:18

mxguy01 wrote:So, I'd stress, as point out by others, the importance of finding activities to immerse yourself in to an extent. Idle time tends to not go well, at least for me.


My mind tends to wander when I'm not occupied too. And I'm an introvert. Maybe it's a more universal feeling than I thought. I always felt okay alone when I was younger, maybe not because I was okay but because I didn't feel like I had a choice. But it's not a healthy way to live for anyone.
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby Brasileiro » 30 January 2019, 16:51

You could sign up with www.workaway.info . Volunteering is a good way to be apreciated, to get to know yourself and other people and to go to unusual places and learn new skills. Change of inviroment and people around you and being thrown of your own routine and learning new skills is a great way to overcome just about anything.

There is nothing against a wandering mind as long as it does not stop you from being productive in some way (that can also be thinking out plans or something).
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby mxguy01 » 30 January 2019, 18:13

Meetup.com is working for me.
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby explorers » 31 January 2019, 00:02

I’ve been there too. It’s very difficult. Look, it may seem that your ex has moved on very fast, but I’m sure after 8 years it took him a long time to make his decision, and by the time he told you, he has already grieved for the relationship and moved on. You have only just received this news so you are only starting this process, whereas he has finished and has moved on.

Honestly, he did you such a favour by blocking you on all social media because it’s going to help you move on faster. Get out now and experience the word and start working on all those little projects you love to do, travel, volunteer, fitness, study, whatever it is. You will make more friends though all of these activities.....force yourself.

What I had to do was limit the amount of time I spent thinking about my ex. I wore an elastic band around my wrist and I snapped it anytime I found my thoughts wandering to my ex and start feeling sad.

Give yourself 20 minutes to think about you ex every day and no more. Set a timer, and during that time you can cry and think about what you lost. When the time is up put back on the elastic band and force yourself to move on.

Life is about living and loving and you are very luck that you got to experience love. An 8 year relationship is magical. You are also lucky to experience heartbreak, and with time, to get over heartbreak. It will help you be stronger and help you empathise with so many people now who have been through what you are going through. You will experience sad love songs in a whole new understanding and find movies that speak to your soul during this experience.

Finally, you will learn so much from this relationship and this heartbreak that it will make you a better person for the love that you will end up with. Work on yourself first, and then you will find him.

Wish you the best x
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 7 February 2019, 06:16

Eight years is a good chunk of time. I see from your bio that you state you are 26, so if you started with him at 18, he may have been your first love. It is sad when a first love breaks up, but it tends to be the case.

Anybody who tells you that dealing with a breakup is anything but horrible either is in denial or has never really been in love.

You may not see it this way right now, but you are at a young enough age that you WILL get over this even if right now you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Note that breakups do not get easier with age. Some eventually build walls around their heart to avoid having it broken multiple times. I hope that never happens to you. Giving all you got to another human being is risky, yet the ultimate experience.

You got a lot of good advice from all the comments. They are all right that he cut things off completely. If you ever had a breakup that was piece by piece, it is even more painful. Plus, you tend to then cling to "hope" that the other guy will change his mind because he still hangs on, which makes the healing process SO much more lengthy and difficult.

It is also important to make friends and to have hobbies to occupy your time so you don't feel so alone. Do you have pet(s) that might take your mind off this? Obviously, they cannot talk to you, but they can give you lots of comfort as they love unconditionally. If you do want to develop hobbies and make friendships. Realize that you probably want to avoid getting romantic with anybody for a while. It is so difficult to deal with romance when you are on the rebound. Plus you start to unconsciously start compare them with your ex, which just isn't right.

If you don't start to see some relief from the heartache, don't feel like you are somehow sick or inferior if you seek to talk this out with a counselor. If you ever feel that life has no meaning now that you are alone, all the more reason to find a counselor.

Always remember that you as a human being have value, and if your ex didn't see that then he simply wasn't the one for you. There are plenty of other young men who would be tickled pink to be your partner. You just have to take your time to find such a mate.

Best of luck!
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Re: Break up is killing me

Unread postby RJD » 7 February 2019, 22:32

NobodySpecial wrote:Eight years is a good chunk of time. I see from your bio that you state you are 26, so if you started with him at 18, he may have been your first love. It is sad when a first love breaks up, but it tends to be the case.

Anybody who tells you that dealing with a breakup is anything but horrible either is in denial or has never really been in love.

You may not see it this way right now, but you are at a young enough age that you WILL get over this even if right now you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Note that breakups do not get easier with age. Some eventually build walls around their heart to avoid having it broken multiple times. I hope that never happens to you. Giving all you got to another human being is risky, yet the ultimate experience.

You got a lot of good advice from all the comments. They are all right that he cut things off completely. If you ever had a breakup that was piece by piece, it is even more painful. Plus, you tend to then cling to "hope" that the other guy will change his mind because he still hangs on, which makes the healing process SO much more lengthy and difficult.

It is also important to make friends and to have hobbies to occupy your time so you don't feel so alone. Do you have pet(s) that might take your mind off this? Obviously, they cannot talk to you, but they can give you lots of comfort as they love unconditionally. If you do want to develop hobbies and make friendships. Realize that you probably want to avoid getting romantic with anybody for a while. It is so difficult to deal with romance when you are on the rebound. Plus you start to unconsciously start compare them with your ex, which just isn't right.

If you don't start to see some relief from the heartache, don't feel like you are somehow sick or inferior if you seek to talk this out with a counselor. If you ever feel that life has no meaning now that you are alone, all the more reason to find a counselor.

Always remember that you as a human being have value, and if your ex didn't see that then he simply wasn't the one for you. There are plenty of other young men who would be tickled pink to be your partner. You just have to take your time to find such a mate.

Best of luck!


This is awesome advice. I didn’t put the age and time together; nothing like a first love :). I had a pretty abrupt and rocky breakup with mine, it took a tad over ten years but he eventually became one of my best friends again. They always take time, but things do eventually get better.
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