Break up

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Break up

Unread postby Brasileiro » 23 January 2019, 21:13

I very recently broke up with my boyfriend. We were in a relationship that lasted 6 years but has always been well, erm, turbulent. We met in an hotel while I was in therapy and because I was basicly homeless (just because I traveled) I moved in with him and his parents pretty soon after. A few months later I was beaten into a coma. I came out of it disabled, so I was not quite the guy he fell in love with, but he stuck with me. This is also why we kept trying. He felt he should care for me, I felt I should be grateful (which I still am). But,also because of my past (for which I was in therapy), I have some issues with love and trust and that does not help. We had counselling throughout the relationship and we seperated for a while and got back together, but now we just sat down and had a talk about it and decided that it was best to make a clean break so we could each move on. I am 26 and he is 2 years younger than e and I feel he deserves to explore a bit more (I am his first boyfriend). There are no hard feelings. We still love eachother, but the relationship was just not working.

But now the question: I do not seem to feel anything. I do not know if this is still to come? Or is it normal because we have been to being apart before (I traveled alone too) and it was a mutual decision?
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Re: Break up

Unread postby PopTart » 23 January 2019, 21:26

I'm sorry to hear abut your break up Bras, and your rough go of things in general :( :hug:

Being so recent a break up and after a pretty long relationship, I think it's to be expected that you are still in that numb phase. It's not unusual to feel that way after a long and passionate relationship, one with such depth and range of emotions too, is going to leave a keen absence in its wake.

Do you feel this hollow, flat or numb feeling in general, at the prospect of new relationships, or about your ex in particular?

The reason I ask, is that as you say, it may not have sunk in yet, perhaps it hasn't really hit you yet.

It could be that, having come to this conclusion together, you have already accepted that this is indeed for the best for you both, that the relationship, has just passed into something other than the love of partners.

What do you feel is more accurate, how do you feel about your ex now?
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Re: Break up

Unread postby Brasileiro » 23 January 2019, 21:54

I care about him. I hope he finds what he wants. But I do not think about him much. I am staying with a ladyfriend that I have known for a long time. In Europe, so I put a literal distance between us as well.
She is very good at entertaining me, that might be a factor too. I just let her take me everywhere. I do not have to think. I nap a lot too.
I am not sure if I ever want a relationship again. I feel sort of "finished" if that makes sense? Like all I needed to do has been done.
Sort of waiting for what will happen next.
I am not afraid for next steps, I just don´t feel like taking any yet or something.
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Re: Break up

Unread postby PopTart » 23 January 2019, 22:01

Brasileiro wrote:I care about him. I hope he finds what he wants. But I do not think about him much. I am staying with a ladyfriend that I have known for a long time. In Europe, so I put a literal distance between us as well.
She is very good at entertaining me, that might be a factor too. I just let her take me everywhere. I do not have to think. I nap a lot too.
I am not sure if I ever want a relationship again. I feel sort of "finished" if that makes sense? Like all I needed to do has been done.
Sort of waiting for what will happen next.
I am not afraid for next steps, I just don´t feel like taking any yet or something.

From what your saying, you seem to have moved past the relationship. Time will tell if that is a genuine closing of a door on your love and desire for him, or if your still coming to terms with the ending of a relationship, that by it's nature, was prone to periods of contention.

I would say that your feeling of being done for the time being, could be a result of a kind of emotional fatigue. I think some people deal with a relationship ending in such a way. Taking time, to take stock and organise their thoughts and feelings, before entertaining the idea of something else, later down the road.

I wouldn't worry too much about it just yet, if this is your way of dealing and coming to terms with things, then let yourself be, in that regard. There is no "right" way to deal with a relationship ending, only the best way for you and for you, this might be your process.

I hope you manage to sort through things Bras. Take your time and don't stress yourself with thoughts of what you ought to be doing.
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Re: Break up

Unread postby Brasileiro » 23 January 2019, 22:30

Thanks. Your posts have been really helpful.

In general I am not an overthinker, I live in the moment, and am an optimist and true to myself, but reading and hearing about other break ups I could not relate to that at all, so I wondered if that was still to come or if my situation is that different, or I am just different.

Emotional fatigue sounds logical to me.
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Re: Break up

Unread postby PopTart » 23 January 2019, 22:35

Thats alright, your welcome.

You may well find you reach a point where your batteries recharge and your become receptive again to a new relationship, but it will happen when it happens. ;)
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Re: Break up

Unread postby Brasileiro » 20 February 2019, 21:14

So here is an update: He is flying over this weekend. For him it sort of felt the same, as if I would come home eventually. He did not feel free to date, although , just like me, he did for a bit, and , just like me, did not really like it.
He called and asked me how I was doing and to my surprise I broke down in tears.
Seems we belong together. We´ have been through so much together and we know eachother so well. Nothing can top that.
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Re: Break up

Unread postby Eryx » 20 February 2019, 21:39

Brasileiro wrote:A few months later I was beaten into a coma. I came out of it disabled, so I was not quite the guy he fell in love with, but he stuck with me.
If you don't mind me asking, what happened? Was this here or abroad? How have you been dealing with it?
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Re: Break up

Unread postby mxguy01 » 21 February 2019, 00:21

Brasileiro wrote:...been through so much together and we know each other so well. Nothing can top that...


I wonder if part of it is that perhaps you feel a bit guilty (don't know that is quite the right way to phrase it) and that you feel there is perhaps more for him out there, without you? If so, have you considered how he really feels about that ?

At any rate just a question as "food for thought" and really just wanted to send some best wishes to someone who deserves them.
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Re: Break up

Unread postby Brasileiro » 21 February 2019, 10:29

Eryx wrote:
Brasileiro wrote:A few months later I was beaten into a coma. I came out of it disabled, so I was not quite the guy he fell in love with, but he stuck with me.
If you don't mind me asking, what happened? Was this here or abroad? How have you been dealing with it?

I lived in the USA at the time, with my boyfriend and his parents. I practised capoeira (and that makes me extra angry, to know it did not help me, and the fact it is taken from me) every day at the same place, so I was an easy target for someone who would have followed me for a while. I had a few stalkers at the time. Some from the past, 1 recent , and my dad wants me dead. And it could have been a homophobe, since am the type you spot from a mile away, and had been open and educating some local youth about homosexuality. But there is no evidence leading to anyone in particular, the case went cold.
I was most likely struck the first time from behind, on my head, with a baseball bat or something similar. Once on the ground I was kicked and hit more. I was probably even been in a car, since they could not find dragmarks (maybe the plan was to burry me, but that is speculation) and found on the roadside by a neighbour. He only recognized me because I had the name of my boyfriend on my necklace. My face was a bloody mess. I´ have been in a coma for two months or something (I went to a stage where they kept me under to heal too, there were many broken bones and they had to take my spleen out).
I had to learn everything overnew. It was a dark period. I have been depressed and angry. Especially because before that time I was very active. Jumping about like a flee. :D
I lost three years of memory, including how I met my boyfriend. He wrote a lot down, from what I had told him from the period before we met and from the time we had together, so I had a sort of external memory :D
At first I could not talk, language was confusing and I was in diapers in a wheelchair and had to be fed and helped with everything, but I got better and better. Now it is as good as it gets, I have the use of the left side, the right side does not really work. I can walk with a stick. I have tried some capoeira jumps, but that did not end well. :D I think I have to really give up on that dream.
I can talk and write, my english (first language I learned back again) is good, my portuguese reasonable and my dutch , well I can read it , speak it, but not write it. (I am raised tri langual so it was there somewhere.)
Doctors are amazed by my recovery and put it to my age (I was just 20 at the time) and determination.
I am positive and embrace life again. I had loads of therapy and we had couple counselling, because the dynamics of the relationships had had changed, ofcourse.
I was the older experienced one and suddenly I was a big baby. And he was 17 turning 18 at the time!!!! Not to mention I had no filter at first which meant I could be extremely rude and cruel (without intention), and I was difficult out of frustration. A lot a tantrums...
His parents (proper saints) have played a big role for both of us.
Tomorrow it is exactly 6 years ago.

mxguy01 wrote:
Brasileiro wrote:...been through so much together and we know each other so well. Nothing can top that...


I wonder if part of it is that perhaps you feel a bit guilty (don't know that is quite the right way to phrase it) and that you feel there is perhaps more for him out there, without you? If so, have you considered how he really feels about that ?
.

That is exactly it.
He loves me. He wants me the way I am, and apparently needs me too.
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Re: Break up

Unread postby Eryx » 21 February 2019, 12:34

That's really rough. Makes me angry. :(
I hope you keep recovering and I love the positive outlook you have on things.

Here's to you and your boyfriend!
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Re: Break up

Unread postby mxguy01 » 21 February 2019, 16:07

Well that made me cry a little bit. I'd say you deserve a good BF. :hug:
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