Breakup Anxiety

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Breakup Anxiety

Unread postby JPMorley » 28 March 2019, 10:00

Hi.

I was in a long term relationship that ended on 30th December '18. We were together just over 6 years, engaged for 5 of those. We had also lived together for 5 of those years, 3 of which in a house we bought together.

The 1st year - the honeymoon period - was amazing and I lived for the weekends he came over to mine and the occasional meet up half way to catch up over a beer. I fell head over heels in love with him, I was so happy. We got engaged after 1 year together and he moved in to my house. Then the cracks started to show..........

A friend of his came over one evening and we all got on well. I happened to ask this friend how they had met (my now ex wasn't in the room at that time) and was told they had met in prison. My ex had done 4.5 years for armed robbery. I was shocked and spoke to my ex about it later on - he just tried to play it down as something from a long time ago and he didn't want to talk about it. So it got swept under the carpet. I also found out my ex's ex was HIV positive. We had been having unprotected sex and I panicked. How was I to know my ex didn't have it? I had a test, thankfully negative and I mentioned this to my ex who said he told me about it at the start. He didn't! Why would I have waited so long to get the test?

Over time, we started to grow apart I think. Lack of trust (what else don't I know about him...). Not having much in common, not communicating. We split several times for short periods but always got back together. In January '16 after a month of split, we got back together and decided on a new start - buy a house together. I put in all the equity (he contributed nothing financially) and have been paying around 70% of the mortgage and house costs. He always said he couldn't afford anymore but I noticed he always had money for the latest mobile phone, new clothes etc. Who's the fool here? Me!

Fast forward to 30.12.18 - I asked him if he was ok. He would never talk to me about his feelings, he was so unemotional. We didn't have that emotional link that we had in year 1. He said he was unhappy and couldn't see a way forward for us. I asked what I could do to make him happy as I had spent my entire life in this relationship giving him everything he wanted but it never made him happy. He didn't have an answer. He also said he was no longer in love with me. That hurt so so much. So we split up but had to live together for financial reasons. The house went up for sale (still unsold).

Life became unbearable for me in that house. He changed to someone I didn't recognise. Within 3 weeks he was taking Prep meds so that he was protected from HIV if he had sex. He started hooking up with randoms for casual sex - and told me this when I asked. Why did I ask??? I was also grieving for my dad who had passed the year before so I have been in a very low state. Lost 3 stone, diagnosed with anxiety issues. A month ago I asked him if he would move out as I couldn't cope emotionally. He moved out 2 weeks ago and we have no contact.

I feel better for not seeing him but am so so heartbroken. I feel the relationship was pretty toxic. Re the prison sentence, he told me recently that he mentioned this at the start of the relationship. He most certainly didn't! I feel like I am going mad. I wasn't happy in the relationship myself as I felt unloved. He never once surprised me with anything he had planned for us. He was so selfish.

I know I'm better off without him. I've accepted it but I feel so lonely. I've joined a choir group, rejoined the gym and see friends as much as I can so I'm doing all the right things but I just can't stop thinking about him.

But why do I miss someone who was so not right for me? I would appreciate any advice or thoughts.

Thank you.
JPMorley
 
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Re: Breakup Anxiety

Unread postby Eryx » 28 March 2019, 13:25

It's self-indulgence. When you spend so long with someone else, things seem comfortable and safe, because you're not all alone in the world and there's someone to fall back on if anything bad happens. When you get separated from that other person, it feels like life is incomplete, something's missing, and you forget about all the bad moments with that person.

You've grown used to him being there, but just remember the reasons you're no longer together, and remember how bad he made you feel with the way the relationship was. Over time you'll get back on track and be your own person again.
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Re: Breakup Anxiety

Unread postby JPMorley » 28 March 2019, 14:44

Hi Eryx

Thank you for your reply. I remind myself everyday as to why the relationship needed to end. I've made lists of the negatives and could find very few positives so that says everything really. I wanted to end it myself but having had low self esteem for so long, I guess I panicked and favoured 'putting up with things'. Wrong I know.

I know I'm better off without him in my life. He moved out of the house 2 weeks ago at my request and I feel tons better being in the house without him being there. Getting used to the 'living alone' bit isn't easy but I am trying to build up a new social life and re-connect with old friends.

My ex became so different after the split - he signed up to the PRep trial within 3 weeks and was having casual sex with random strangers - he even told me this. I found it all too difficult to deal with. I guess I miss the companionship to some extent but certainly not the person he became.

Time is the healer - I know this. Grieving the loss takes time. I'm sure I'm at the acceptance stage already. I just want so much to forget about him. He's not worth my time thinking about. He won't be thinking about me!

Jonathan
JPMorley
 
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Re: Breakup Anxiety

Unread postby Eryx » 28 March 2019, 18:35

I like your approach! It's difficult, but this is one of those things that only time can fix. As for your self-esteem, seize the opportunity to work on yourself physically and mentally, so you'll feel more confident for when it's time to meet someone new. :)
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