Breakup - Heartbroken need advice

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Breakup - Heartbroken need advice

Unread postby Chapters5 » 2 May 2019, 15:35

Hello everyone. I'll try to make it as short as possible. I'm here to get advice because me and my boyfriend recently broke up and it's been a very hard journey on me emotionally. About in mid December he started having crisis and threatened to leave me because he was having problems of his own and started shouting at me, but then calmed down as usual. Then again he threatened to leave me two weeks after that, and calmed down again and told me I was the best boyfriend and that he wouldn't leave me. The next day another argument and threatened to leave me again. Note during that time i lent him money (110$ then 100$ then 60$ then 15$).

Fast forward to the day it was over, i went to his place that night and I flipped out and shouted at him and insulted him because 1. He wasn't doing anything sexually for me, and not being affectionate or kissing as before, always being moody and on his phone.
2. Always testing me to see how I would react to him meeting another guy , when I told him I don't accept this ( and showed me his countless DM's when I specified to him not to talk to other guys )
3. He still owed me 185$ and wanted to give me 150$ instead ( when I'm always the one paying for him when we went out cause he had no money, and I still payed for him while he didn't give me the money back. Note that money is a big issue and problem with him and his family )
So while I was shouting at him I blocked him on fb and told him to not talk to me anymore. Went home and felt relieved. Then the next day I figured we'd get back together as usual, but he gave me a call and said it's finished and he can't continue anymore.
I loved him so much and couldn't let him go even if we had fights. Note that I also stressed him out during our time together but I did so much for him that he never did for me. ( got him a ring, a rose for valentine, an expensive perfume for christmas, countless restos etc) I know he didnt have money, but he couldve given me anything (little gift) and I wouldve been happy.
I don't know why I'm still holding on and still want to talk with him. Seems pretty hopeless at this point but I am so upset and restless.
Thank you so much if you read this far.
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Re: Breakup - Heartbroken need advice

Unread postby erti » 2 May 2019, 18:03

Sounds like you guys have problems to began with. Your ex was threaten to leave you multiple times just to get his way. But then again it your relationship wasn't exactly a happy one and both of you two threatened to leave each other when you two fight without seeing each other out. whether it was for good reason or not i do not know. You guys kept coming back to each other. This time it sounded like you've already broke up with him before he said he couldn't continue. Both you y'all are playing emotional games on each other but you've put up a lot of his bullshit for a long time and you blew up on him. Not knowing his side, he'd probably would said he'd put up with your bullshit too. A relationship is about compromises and seeing each other out even in difficult times when you're not at your best.

The relationship sounds unhealthy for the both of you two. Maybe leaving him is for the best. If he told you he wanted to get back together i'd not go back to him no matter how much you "love" him because the same thing is going to happen. you can't change someone and when you go into a relationship you gotta accept him as is flaws and all. Hes just going to use you and continue to ask money from you and expect you to give it to him. lay down the law. tell him no. I had to do that with my stepmom and dad who kept asking money from me for pop and cigarettes. I told them i wont be lending them money unless they truly needed it like groceries so my niece has something to eat. They've yet to ask money from me after that. i guess at least they're honest but don't have their priorities straight?

Lending money you have to be a pessimist and not expect it back but if they don't give it back don't lend them anymore money. Also when giving out gift that's what it is, a gift. It sucks he never bothered giving you gift to show his appreciation. I stopped giving my dad and stepmom gifts too for special occasions like mothers/fathers day and Christmas and birthdays because they've not given me anything for my birthdays and Christmases in a long time and when they promised to give me something for Christmas/birthdays a week afterwards they didn't.

I can understand feeling hopeless and wanting to do nothing but talk to him. I felt that way when my ex broke up with me after a 6 year relationship. I was sad and thought i could never love anyone more than i've loved him. however after long while i moved on. You can move on too but it may take some time... find someone who'd appreciate you and find someone that whose flaws you can work around with. I'm not sure how much helpful my advice is but i wish you the best and hope you can move on and find someone else.
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Re: Breakup - Heartbroken need advice

Unread postby Chapters5 » 2 May 2019, 20:31

Thank you for your advice and taking the time to reply. It does help alot :)
I guess I just feel so bad for being used and not having a proper closure. And also that he was playing the victim and discarded everything that I did for him because of our last argument while I was shouting at him. It's so hard to move on when I'm angry at him and the situation.
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Re: Breakup - Heartbroken need advice

Unread postby erti » 2 May 2019, 20:45

Being angry at him is a natural response. It's fresh and wounds take time to heal. you may never get that closure however you can clean that wound and put a band-aid over it and give it time while also consistently cleaning that wound and replacing the band-aid with new ones for it to heal.
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Re: Breakup - Heartbroken need advice

Unread postby René » 2 May 2019, 20:58

It does sound like this was for the best... this guy clearly isn't stable enough to be in a relationship. He should seek counselling. It isn't healthy for either one of you for things to go on the way you've described.

Hang in there :hug:
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Re: Breakup - Heartbroken need advice

Unread postby Chapters5 » 3 May 2019, 14:09

Thank you all for your replies and support.
It feels like it's me who needs help if I regret a relationship that didn't bring me much. I should feel free & be happy it's over and move on, but I feel imprisoned by these thoughts of him and I can't get him out my mind. When I broke up it was the right choice for me but the next day I already regretted it and it went downhill from there :/
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Re: Breakup - Heartbroken need advice

Unread postby Eryx » 3 May 2019, 16:20

It's normal to feel like you're making a mistake right after a break-up, especially if there are still feelings. We start forgetting the bad parts and only remember the good ones. You have to power through it though, because it's only your brain messing with you. If you backpedal, all of those bad things will start rushing back and you'll find yourself in the same place you were at the beginning.

You know there was a reason for all these break-ups, you understand that you two are playing games with each other (all the threats and psychological abuse being thrown around), so just keep that in your mind and move forward. Getting back with this guy won't do any of you any good, you don't seem like you can change with each other and there will be a lot of resentment.
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Re: Breakup - Heartbroken need advice

Unread postby Chapters5 » 3 May 2019, 17:19

I guess it's just that I feel so lonely and when he called me to be friends the fights just escalated because he was telling me stuff like "he's happy that he cut me off, that he made a good decision to leave me..." And now realizing that he's gone for good and not even as friends is just traumatizing. Cause the breakup was so sudden after enduring the stress of this relationship for so long... and feeling depressed and wondering if I'll ever have a special connection again with someone. Wish we could've stayed friends, but he kept calling me nonstop after the breakup and wasn't ready for that. However after our last call I'm pretty sure he wouldn't even want to be friends anymore.. I wasn't in happy relationship and it seems like I'm unhappier than I was before... it's just too much for me.
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Re: Breakup - Heartbroken need advice

Unread postby Eryx » 3 May 2019, 17:30

Remember, everyone goes through that at some point in their lives. You will find someone better, there are so many guys out there, and one of them can actually make you happy, stable and help you in your life, while you do the same for him. Sticking around with someone who's toxic won't make your life better and won't bring you happiness in the long run, so it's not worth it to keep going just to not be alone.

My first break-up I also thought I'd never meet anyone ever again and that I could be making a mistake, but it was the best thing I've ever done and the person I'm with right now actually makes me happy at every moment we spend together. It's completely different, and I don't think past me would be able to realize how dramatic that difference is.

Just take deep breaths, watch some cheesy flicks, be around your friends, do whatever you have to do, but just keep going, the cloud will dissipate at some point. The next one will be better. You deserve mental health and stability, and someone who isn't using you for money or getting into fights with you at every moment.
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Re: Breakup - Heartbroken need advice

Unread postby Chapters5 » 3 May 2019, 18:57

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice and taking the time to reply. It does help me feel better to have advice to convince myself I made the right decision and not live in regret.
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