Complicated Friendship

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Complicated Friendship

Unread postby EthanSummers » 16 May 2022, 01:33

I've created a complicated situation with a friend of mine. We've known each other a few years, we met through work and became pretty close. I've always been attracted to him but the timing never really worked out. When we met he was living with a boyfriend, we had a moment right after they split up but nothing really came of it and for the last few two years he's ben seeing a new guy. I'd pretty much given up on the idea that anything would happen between us but then last year things got a little complicated.

For context, we're both in our 30s (me 32, him 34) his boyfriend is younger (24). Last year the boyfriend has to spend a year abroad to finish his masters program. While he was away we spent a lot more time together. I love hanging out with him, he's smart and we have really similar taste in restaurants, movies, music etc. He's incredibly bright and one of the only people I can have a genuinely stimulating conversation with about politics or business or art. The thing is during this time hanging out three or for times a week we also started hooking up. Their relationship was open at the time so that was allowed, but i guess I let myself enjoy it too much. It was just really nice having this great handsome smart guy. I've never had great luck with dating so I guess I fooled myself into thinking of him as a boyfriend instead of a friend with benefits. (I know this is dumb)

Anyway, predictably, his boyfriend moved back to the states early this year and now they're living together. Obviously we're no longer hooking up (I'm not sure if his boyfriend is aware of it but that's between them.) We still spend a lot of time together but I've been trying to curb that a bit. I hate dating but I do want something real for myself and I'm not going to find it if I'm quasi-dating my best friend. Still, i feel like things have changed. We talk a lot more and, maybe I'm projecting, but I feel like he's leaning on me for what he's not getting from the boyfriend. He really is a nice kid, but he's young and very sheltered and I just don't know if they have an intellectual connection. My friend threw a party recently and it was very clear that the boyfriend felt a little out of place with all of his other friends. I actually found myself trying to bring him into the conversation because it felt so awkward.

Anyway, last night my friend and I went out to dinner and then hit some bars and one thing led to another. We were at this after-hours place in Brooklyn just chatting and he leaned over and kissed me. I guess they're open again. He asked to come over but I told him I had an early day the next day but we did make out a little more. We were drinking a bit so it was all a bit blurry but I feel kind of messed up about it today. I don't really want to pick up whatever we were doing before, especially with his boyfriend living here again, but I also don't want to lose him. I love having him in my life but I don't want to be just filling in whatever he's not getting from his boyfriend. I guess ultimately I want him to choose me but it's so embarrassing to admit that. Part of me feels like I'm just waiting for them to break up which is stupid and kind of shity and might not happen.

I'm not even sure why I wrote this all out or what I'm expecting. I know there's not a good solution. I guess I just wanted to say it to someone and I don't want to admit it to any of my actual friends because it's all pretty embarrassing and juvenile. Anyway, thanks for reading this long post, i'd welcome any advice if you have any, or at least a bit of sympathy haha.
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Re: Complicated Friendship

Unread postby Bluefish » 16 May 2022, 22:42

I'm sorry you're going through this. I do have sympathy, I went through a tiny slimmed down version of this a while ago and it hurt, a lot. Catching feelings for someone who's taken is so, so hard. I'd be wary about wanting them to break up, what you have with this guy sounds nice but hanging on for too long might stop you from finding something of your own.

Of course this is just a stranger's take but I hope you end up okay and not getting too hurt from this.

And it's okay sometimes it helps to just vent.
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Re: Complicated Friendship

Unread postby colby100 » 16 May 2022, 23:38

Sorry to hear that. I had a situation like that happen a while ago so I know how you feel. I wish you luck with your problem. Hoping good things will come from it.

If you ever want to chat, you can send me a message.
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Re: Complicated Friendship

Unread postby CityofTroye » 17 May 2022, 06:35

Sorry to hear you're going through that. I dealt with a similar situation last year and it was not fun. My biggest piece of advice is to focus on yourself. It's easy to find yourself going out of your way to make the relationship closer to what you want it to be, but try to use that energy to enjoy the other parts of your life instead.

Treat yourself with compassion! Take care.
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