Concerned boyfriend defined by sexuality

Ask questions and discuss your relationships with partners or parents, family or friends.

Concerned boyfriend defined by sexuality

Unread postby Mikey2829 » 5 February 2021, 00:16

Hi,

I've been seeing a guy for a few months now. I do like him and find him attractive, however we don't really have much in common.

I'm quite sporty and not really into gay culture. He isn't sporty and loves gay culture. RuPaul, Britney Spears etc. I don't have a problem with that, but it's just that he doesn't seem to have any actual hobbies, and that everything he watches to or listens to has to be gay-related. His best friend is a girl, he likes shopping. He doesn't seem to have any male friends or like any male bands. He lives up to every sterotype, it just doesn't feel natural. He just seems obsessed with all things gay.

Usuallly I can just brush this off but I feel I may end up resenting him more for it. He is a bit camp but not overly camp. I feel it would be harsh to break it off because of this but sometimes I don't feel we're the right fit.

Any advice? Thanks. And to anyone who thinks I'm an 'internal homophobe', that would mean I disliked him for being gay. This is more about gay culture etc
Mikey2829
 
Posts: 2
Joined: 5 February 2021, 00:09

Re: Concerned boyfriend defined by sexuality

Unread postby René » 5 February 2021, 00:21

There's nothing homophobic about being a more typical guy who's into more typical guy things and attracted to other guys like that.

How did you fall for someone you seem to have so little in common with? I feel like I would likely have been annoyed by the stuff you describe from the start and would never have felt he was a good match.
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 7601
+1s received: 2755
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Maryland, USA / Lanarkshire, Scotland
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Concerned boyfriend defined by sexuality

Unread postby Mikey2829 » 5 February 2021, 00:26

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. Now I wonder lol. The first time we met I did think he would be too camp for me, but I honestly did grow to like him. I've been negative about him, but he is very caring and we can talk about anything, we're also politically aligned which is something in common I guess, but then you can have friends who you agree with politically
Mikey2829
 
Posts: 2
Joined: 5 February 2021, 00:09

Re: Concerned boyfriend defined by sexuality

Unread postby René » 5 February 2021, 00:49

I would also say "defined by sexuality" isn't really accurate, since (as you know) what you describe isn't the definition of gay, just stereotypes which don't actually apply to most gay guys but do apply to a subset, including your boyfriend. :)

I suppose you're gonna have to decide if your bond with him outweighs the stuff about him that you aren't crazy about. If you think you could maybe bridge the gap between yourselves somehow, whether that means looking past things or (both) trying to keep an open mind and maybe see what it is the other likes about the stuff they're into... and if you could create a sustainable situation in which you're both happy in the long term, without any resentment developing.
ImageImageImageImage
User avatar
René
Administrator
 
Posts: 7601
+1s received: 2755
Joined: 20 December 2012, 20:12
Location: Maryland, USA / Lanarkshire, Scotland
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Concerned boyfriend defined by sexuality

Unread postby Eryx » 5 February 2021, 02:30

Rather than being bothered by that fact, I think there should be a reciprocal effort to enjoy each other's stuff more. My boyfriend and I don't like all the same things. The stuff we had in common and just being attracted to each other helped make it begin, but what makes it fulfilling today is all the stuff we've learned about each other and found out about because we met.

There's music I listen to that I wouldn't otherwise, there's places I like to go that I never even thought about, I've made heaps of friends that think differently than mine and are of different ages, I've traveled to cities that I would never consider... and so on.

In other words, relationships are about expanding ourselves too, especially by learning from our partners. If he's not into the stuff you're into, you should try to introduce it to him from time to time, and sometimes you should try watching his shows with him or listening to something he likes (even if it's not exactly what you'd put on your own playlist).

If that's something neither of you -- or one of you -- is interested in doing, then maybe the relationship should not continue or just be a friendship. Otherwise, opening up is often a fun experience. I've gone from a camp and pop-obsessed 18 year-old to an indie-loving stoned 25 year-old and before Covid I was going to raves with my boyfriend.

The sad thing is if "sporty" is all you've got to describe yourself in a few years. And it will suck for him just as much if you or his future boyfriend only have RuPaul and Britney Spears to use as references to his personality.
ImageImageImage Image Image Image ImageImage

You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
— Harlan Ellison
User avatar
Eryx
 
Posts: 2953
+1s received: 1908
Joined: 20 December 2012, 21:48
Location: Belo Horizonte, MG
Country: Brazil (br)

Re: Concerned boyfriend defined by sexuality

Unread postby Jzone » 5 February 2021, 04:37

Welcome, Mikey. I can totally relate.

My ex was very into gay culture, which was new to me at the time. It became an issue of friction for me (and not the good kind), and was honestly one of the main reasons I ended our relationship. I just wanted to be a couple, but he had to emphasize that we were a GAY couple. When we showed up for a party (pre-covid) he would shout, "the gays are here!" when we came in the door. That was entertaining for a week or so. After that I confronted him on it, but he didn't change his ways.

We are in our 50's, so I can understand that he lived through some crazy years at your age, 25 years ago. He was a bold, front-line, gay man in the 1980's. I get it. I suppressed my sexuality for decades, and only came out when it seemed at least a little more socially safe.

I don't know if there is a path for the two of you to share and enjoy. I hope so.
Just an everyday boy — doing everyday things
User avatar
Jzone
 
Posts: 1319
+1s received: 1508
Joined: 21 October 2017, 17:58
Location: USA, Washington State
Country: United States (us)

Re: Concerned boyfriend defined by sexuality

Unread postby lufia » 12 February 2021, 16:23

I have always been a person that tries not to play into stereotypes. Though I do have some traditionally feminine and/or gay things I enjoy, I do not feel the need to broadcast my sexuality to everyone I meet, nor be defined by it. Most people outside of my inner circle have no clue that I am gay, unless I tell them. I don't deny it or go out of my way to hide it, but I don't believe in putting myself in a position to be judged by people who have no business knowing what I do in my bedroom, or who I do it with. In my experience, most guys that try to match every stereotype or broadcast it to everyone generally do so because they are actually insecure about who they are, and do it as a defense mechanism. Internally, they believe that making it front and center to every person they meet protects them from any criticism. In the process, they make many heterosexual people feel uncomfortable and disrespected around them, while expecting those same people to show respect to them in return. Stereotypes and the people that play into them are a big part of the reason that we face a lot of the discrimination and derision that many of us deal with on a daily basis. We are all defined publicly by those stereotypes. When it comes to this guy, you have two choices.

1. Get out now, before it becomes any more difficult. If you are not comfortable being the center of attention everywhere you go, then end it now before any more feelings get involved. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will become.

2. Sit down and talk to him. Tell him how it makes you feel. Talk to him about his life, how he grew up, and what he feels on the inside. If you want this relationship to work, then tell him you love him, and tell him you will be there for him. Tell him that you want him, and that he doesn't have to prove how gay he is for you to be with him. Tell him that you want to have more in common with him than his sexuality. Tell him that you want to know the real person behind all of that. Tell him that he can drop his defenses and just be himself. This may or may not work, but it is the only choice you have if you really want this relationship to last long term. If he truly loves you and is able to accept himself, then he will. If he doesn't love you enough, or isn't willing or able to be at peace with himself, then he won't. His reaction to it will tell you all you need to know.

I wish you the best.
lufia
 
Posts: 73
+1s received: 28
Joined: 17 March 2020, 22:27


Recently active
Users browsing this forum: CommonCrawl [Bot], Eos, ughj and 64 guests