Crisis of 6 years of relationship

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Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby ualerroix » 9 April 2020, 20:58

Hi. I am from Ukraine writing this here since we have no normal board to discuss such things in my country. So here i am.
After some 6 years of rather normal relationships i feel like everything is going down the drain, for the last time i feel like my boyfriend is becoming more an more aggressive. I write this here cause of one more reason: he does not speak English well, so i hope he will not find this thread. I dont wanna him to.
So the situation is that i have been in normal relations just twice, he is my second boyfriend. We started with only 3 datings and then he moved into my home. He knew i am a bit of addictive person, for that time i was on antidepressants and different kinds of drugs. Also he was supporting me when i decided to drop it, so for 4 years i am clear. We went through few more troubles, including my and his lovers and problems with sex. But i must point this out: he has never said that he wants to finish and leave me. For now the situation seems to change dramatically.
For few last months we argue more and more, since november i suppose. Few times he threw me out of our house, so i had no place to go, so i had to stay for night at my job (luckily i am working at the hotel), and after few days or weeks he contacts me and we make up. Always, it happens the same way. For the last time he started to claim that i am on drugs again, he tolds me that i am high even if i behave as usual. But this is not his own idea. His mother started to tell him that she thinks i am high and that she saw me hiding some substance (which is rubbish of course), so i went to the clinic to take tests. The result was as if i am on methamphetamine. I know it is only possible if i was given some meth or medicine without my notice. And he again threw me out. Only after i took tests for the second time i was clear. But he didn't want to apologize and said that i am just a filthy lying addict and it is only matter of time when i start it again. So i took a pause, i thought he has to apologize for his words, and after 2 weeks he did it. We made up again. And just in few days a new fight, because of nothing, and again he wanted me to get out, even though he knows it is crucial time now, with coronavirus, and i cannot even go to my job since hotels are on quarantine now. And also i had no money that time. Seems like he always waits when i am endangered and then tries to down me. Well, i played a fool again and we made up that time. Soon after that he slapped me on my face for the first time for nothing, again, and tried to apologize. I am just a stupid one, i realize more and more as i write this. So i forgave him and again we are together. But he scares me last days. His hobby is hiking around the town, and few days ago when we were climbing hills far away from the town, and i still was a little depressed by our quarrels, he said that i have nothing to be afraid of, because if he wanted to get rid of me,he could just push me down and no one would find me here. But he won't do that now. It was the first time i was really scared and i cant get it out of my head now. I don't know what to do. I said i have to think it over and for now i am staying at our home alone, he's went to his parents. But i dont know what to do and can i overcome this crisis?! People say it happens in relations at this time, and i know everyone is nervous now, but it has started long time ago. I am sorry for mistakes and my English but i really need an advice. I want this realtionships to live but not in that way!!
Seems like he looks for excuses to argue with me but doesn't want to part.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby Eryx » 9 April 2020, 22:39

None of this happens in relationships all the time. He's beaten you, that's physical abuse, that's where it needed to stop. You don't have to forgive everything and from what I understand, it's your house? Change the locks and get him out of your life. NOW.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby PopTart » 9 April 2020, 23:02

For Those Who Couldnt Face the Wall of Text
Hi. I am from Ukraine,
I'm writing this here since we have no normal board to discuss such things in my country. So here i am.

After some 6 years of a rather normal relationship, i feel like everything is going down the drain. For the last time i feel like my boyfriend is becoming more and more aggressive. I write this here cause of one more reason: he does not speak English well, so i hope he will not find this thread. I dont want him to.

So the situation is that i have only had two relationships, he is my second boyfriend. We started with only 3 dates and then he moved into my home. He knew i am a bit of addictive person, for that time i was on antidepressants and different kinds of drugs. Also he was supporting me when i decided to give up drug, so for 4 years i am clean.

We went through a few more troubles, including both our lovers and problems with sex. But i must point this out: he has never said that he wants to finish and leave me. But now the situation seems to have changed dramatically.


For the few last months we argue more and more, since november i suppose. A few times he threw me out of our house, so i had no place to go, so i had to stay a night at my job (luckily i am working at a hotel), and after a few days or weeks he contacts me and we make up.

Always, it happens the same way. But the last time he started to claim that i am on drugs again, he tolds me that i am high even if my behaviour, doesnt change ornsuggest such. But this is not his own idea. His mother started to tell him that she thinks i am high and that she saw me hiding some substance (which is rubbish of course), so i went to the clinic to take tests.

The result was positive for methamphetamine. I know it is only possible if i was given some meth or medicine without my notice. And he again threw me out.

Only after i took tests for the second time i was clear. But he didn't want to apologize and said that i am just a filthy lying addict and it is only a matter of time when until I start it again.

So i took a pause, i thought he has to apologize for his words, and after 2 weeks he did just that. We made up again. And just a few days in we begin to fight, because of nothing, and again he wanted me to get out, even though he knows it is crucial time now, with coronavirus, and i cannot even go to my job since hotels are on quarantine now.

And also i had no money. Seems like he always waits when i am most vulnerable and then tries to down me. Well, i played a fool again and we made up that time.

Soon after that he slapped me on my face for the first time for nothing, again, and tried to apologize. I am being stupid in going back, i realize more and more as i write this. So i forgave him and again we are together. But he scares me over the last few days.

His hobby is hiking around the town, and a few days ago when we were climbing hills far away from the town, and i still was a little depressed by our quarrels, he said that i have nothing to be afraid of, because if he wanted to get rid of me,he could just push me down and no one would find me here. But he won't do that now.

It was the first time i was really scared and i cant get it out of my head now. I don't know what to do. I said i have to think it over and for now i am staying at our home alone, he's went to his parents. But i dont know what to do and can i overcome this crisis?!

People say it happens in relations at this time, and i know everyone is nervous now, but it has started long time ago. I am sorry for mistakes and my English but i really need an advice. I want this realtionships to live but not in that way!!
Seems like he looks for excuses to argue with me but doesn't want to part. End Quote

I found that hard to read and some people are put off by unparagraphed walls of text. So I've broken it up abit and changed some words to better convey your story. I hope you dont mind.

But as Eryx says, this is a toxic relationship, if ever I've heard of one. You may want to keep this relationship going, but the guy has hit you, he casts you out of your own home and has alluded to (hinted at) killing you.

Leave him and do what you have to to protect yourself.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby ualerroix » 10 April 2020, 06:55

Eryx wrote:from what I understand, it's your house? Change the locks and get him out of your life. NOW.


Thanks for replying.

No, we rent a house, and he normally pays for it. So it is rather his dwelling. I have to notice my landlady if i change something and give her a spare key. Which he can take from her, as it happened before.

We had a fight this night again and for now live in separate bedrooms. That's better than nothing.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby René » 10 April 2020, 06:56

I certainly hope you can see this isn't gonna work out... and also that you deserve better.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby ualerroix » 10 April 2020, 07:06

PopTart wrote:I found that hard to read and some people are put off by unparagraphed walls of text. So I've broken it up abit and changed some words to better convey your story. I hope you dont mind.


Sure, thank you, i have been to places like this years ago and forgot how it has to be. And thanks for correcting me.

PopTart wrote:But as Eryx says, this is a toxic relationship, if ever I've heard of one. You may want to keep this relationship going, but the guy has hit you, he casts you out of your own home and has alluded to (hinted at) killing you.

Leave him and do what you have to to protect yourself.


I know it is toxic, but it wasn't toxic till last time, i was sure he's not a psycho. For now it is hard to believe for me, i cannot believe it is over and he will never be the same.

As i said, this is rented house, i have no own place for now. So he have rights to cast me out, even though i would not do so with him if he was in such situation.

For now he is very sorry because of our last fight, and won't leave me alone, he said he has to take care of me and lives in second bedroom.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby PopTart » 10 April 2020, 07:06

ualerroix wrote:
Eryx wrote:from what I understand, it's your house? Change the locks and get him out of your life. NOW.


Thanks for replying.

No, we rent a house, and he normally pays for it. So it is rather his dwelling. I have to notice my landlady if i change something and give her a spare key. Which he can take from her, as it happened before.

We had a fight this night again and for now live in separate bedrooms. That's better than nothing.

I'd be very concerned that this guy has alluded to being able to kill you. Now it may have just been talk, but do you want to take the chance?

He clearly has control issues, he seems to be quite cruel in his treatment of you.

In your place, I would get out. Fast.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby ualerroix » 10 April 2020, 07:11

René wrote:I certainly hope you can see this isn't gonna work out... and also that you deserve better.


I had issues in my life that don't allow me to be picky, so i thought it is the last chance. Maybe he realized it and started to behave like now. But the problem is in me, if so.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby PopTart » 10 April 2020, 07:17

I don't really know what to say, he may have changed his tune for the time being. Perhaps he really has decided that, he was treating you poorly and has decided to do better.

But I'd be wary, he clearly changes his mind very quickly, his mood is volatile and he is prone to violence and cruelty. I get that you have no place to go and that perhaps, due to past choices, you feel you don't deserve or could hope for better, but your choices are stay and ride out the fear inducing uncertainty, forever under his power, or escape.

Neither of those things is an easy prospect and all I can realistically do is ask you to be safe and to look after yourself.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby ualerroix » 10 April 2020, 07:33

PopTart wrote:I don't really know what to say, he may have changed his tune for the time being. Perhaps he really has decided that, he was treating you poorly and has decided to do better.

But I'd be wary, he clearly changes his mind very quickly, his mood is volatile and he is prone to violence and cruelty. I get that you have no place to go and that perhaps, due to past choices, you feel you don't deserve or could hope for better, but your choices are stay and ride out the fear inducing uncertainty, forever under his power, or escape.

Neither of those things is an easy prospect and all I can realistically do is ask you to be safe and to look after yourself.


I want to leave, honestly. Just i still have hope all will be fine, but i don't know how to make it fine again. So i cannot be firm enough in my decision. It is easy to trust again if someone is just being very sorry, like he does today. And also i suppose it could be bipolar disorder, say. If so he also needs help.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby Eryx » 10 April 2020, 14:36

You can always find someone better. Don't ever think it's your last chance.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby ualerroix » 10 April 2020, 15:30

Eryx wrote:You can always find someone better. Don't ever think it's your last chance.


Would be nice, probably. I am afraid i am too old for this, and still in my country there is tendency to hide orientation. Damn, looks like i am moaning.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby René » 10 April 2020, 15:57

ualerroix wrote:
Eryx wrote:You can always find someone better. Don't ever think it's your last chance.

Would be nice, probably. I am afraid i am too old for this

Dude, you're 29. You're young.
I'm 31 and seeing a really cute 36-year-old. None of us are too old for this. You're not even 30 yet :P

Is this whole "last chance" thing about insecurity surrounding your age???
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby ualerroix » 10 April 2020, 16:11

René wrote:Dude, you're 29. You're young.
I'm 31 and seeing a really cute 36-year-old. None of us are too old for this. You're not even 30 yet :P

Is this whole "last chance" thing about insecurity surrounding your age???


This year i turn 30)
But yes, age is only one side of the problem. It is hard to break up after long term relationship. Also i have issues in my past which turn out people normally, and i am hiv+ and was imprisoned twice. That is a big concern for normal partners, so i was happy when i met my boyfriend and he told me it is okay.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby Eos » 10 April 2020, 16:22

If this kind of person (which is violent, morally and physically, and that is able to kick his so from his house) has been able to understand your past then I can guarantee you that a lot of nice people will be able to do the same.
Right now it's not life to live. Start living for yourself.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby ualerroix » 10 April 2020, 16:59

Eos wrote:If this kind of person (which is violent, morally and physically, and that is able to kick his so from his house) has been able to understand your past then I can guarantee you that a lot of nice people will be able to do the same.
Right now it's not life to live. Start living for yourself.


Usually he is nice and calm. Just this fact makes me think most people have their moments of fury,so he does. But i am about to consult a psychologist.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby René » 10 April 2020, 17:02

ualerroix wrote:
Eos wrote:If this kind of person (which is violent, morally and physically, and that is able to kick his so from his house) has been able to understand your past then I can guarantee you that a lot of nice people will be able to do the same.
Right now it's not life to live. Start living for yourself.

Usually he is nice and calm. Just this fact makes me think most people have their moments of fury,so he does. But i am about to consult a psychologist.

Most adults are stable enough not to have periodic moments of fury. It's not normal. This guy probably needs some form of therapy (possibly including medication) to learn to behave like a normal human being. You don't need to keep subjecting yourself to this if he won't acknowledge and seek help for his problem.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby ualerroix » 10 April 2020, 18:03

René wrote:Most adults are stable enough not to have periodic moments of fury. It's not normal. This guy probably needs some form of therapy (possibly including medication) to learn to behave like a normal human being. You don't need to keep subjecting yourself to this if he won't acknowledge and seek help for his problem.


We agreed that he has to visit a specialist. Hope this will work out.
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby ualerroix » 9 November 2020, 12:11

ITS me again.
The same situation happened again, with my next bf.
He started to beat me even earlier but now it's total terror. I don't know maybe reason is in me. We are together for 6 months for now. Just can't understand what went wrong. He has 18 y.o.son who told me that was beaten too. Maybe i better stay alone?
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Re: Crisis of 6 years of relationship

Unread postby René » 9 November 2020, 14:10

:runaway:

Where are you finding these people?
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