Crush on bartender

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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 31 January 2019, 22:30

Brasileiro wrote:You can always ask if he wants to grab a bite with you. Everybody needs to eat...


Indeed!
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 31 January 2019, 22:31

mxguy01 wrote:
BlueBoy19 wrote:Thanks, mxguy01. Yeah, I would be elated at first base. Home Run is not even on my radar yet. I will try to chat him up some more and find out an interest outside the bar. Hmm, maybe I need a couple more scouting trips to do research before I actually ask him out.


That's the idea! OMG, I get to use this one again -
Luck is What Happens When Preparation Meets Opportunity
!!!



Great quote!
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 4 February 2019, 22:38

Ugh! My special guy is STILL on vacation! He was supposed to be back a week ago. Now I'm getting nervous that something is wrong and he's either sick, has quit, or worse! It's been about three weeks since I last got to enjoy a beer at his bar. I have been building up my courage over the last week to ask him out and now I'm just spinning my wheels since he is still AWOL and it's making me even more crazy! I am not sleeping well and have the biggest ache that's eating me alive. That is all. Just need to vent. Thank you for reading, from your callow fellow.
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby Stardust » 4 February 2019, 22:53

BlueBoy19 wrote:Ugh! My special guy is STILL on vacation! He was supposed to be back a week ago. Now I'm getting nervous that something is wrong and he's either sick, has quit, or worse! It's been about three weeks since I last got to enjoy a beer at his bar. I have been building up my courage over the last week to ask him out and now I'm just spinning my wheels since he is still AWOL and it's making me even more crazy! I am not sleeping well and have the biggest ache that's eating me alive. That is all. Just need to vent. Thank you for reading, from your callow fellow.


Are there any other members of staff or regular customers you could ask about him? There's no harm in enquiring and they don't have to know why you're asking :)
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 4 February 2019, 23:08

Stardust wrote:
BlueBoy19 wrote:Ugh! My special guy is STILL on vacation! He was supposed to be back a week ago. Now I'm getting nervous that something is wrong and he's either sick, has quit, or worse! It's been about three weeks since I last got to enjoy a beer at his bar. I have been building up my courage over the last week to ask him out and now I'm just spinning my wheels since he is still AWOL and it's making me even more crazy! I am not sleeping well and have the biggest ache that's eating me alive. That is all. Just need to vent. Thank you for reading, from your callow fellow.


Are there any other members of staff or regular customers you could ask about him? There's no harm in enquiring and they don't have to know why you're asking :)


I have asked three staff members, and got different answers. One said he'd be back a week ago yesterday, one said he'd be back middle of this week, and another wasn't sure when he was coming back. But thank you for the suggestion. Yeah, I tried to be very casual when asking, and didn't elaborate. Of course, I also wonder if they may mention it to him and I just hope he doesn't think, "oh, great, somebody's stalking me!" LOL
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 5 February 2019, 22:58

OK now i'm really confused and still sad, but in a different way. After almost non-stop burning and aching, it all almost entirely stopped. Overnight. I slept more last night than I have in days. I got up this morning and just went on with my day without all those intrusive thoughts which have haunted me for weeks now.

Is this normal? What is happening to me? I guess I am glad that I am no longer feeling so "sick" -- but then, in a way, I am disappointed and sort of miss that feeling of being "under the influence" so to speak.

Yikes, what a ride!
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby Eryx » 5 February 2019, 23:43

That's pretty much a crush... If you spend time enough without seeing the other person around and the feelings haven't developed enough to stick around or be deeper, some time away from the object of affection is enough to make things subside.

You'd probably feel it all over again once you see him come back, in which case you'll be back to where you either make a move or move on.
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 5 February 2019, 23:45

Eryx wrote:That's pretty much a crush... If you spend time enough without seeing the other person around and the feelings haven't developed enough to stick around or be deeper, some time away from the object of affection is enough to make things subside.

You'd probably feel it all over again once you see him come back, in which case you'll be back to where you either make a move or move on.


Yeah, it's been about three weeks since I last saw him. I guess that makes sense then that my little party with myself would die out after that long!

I guess I am glad for the "break" -- because truly, I was really getting worn out!

Looking forward to seeing him again and seeing what happens.

Thanks again Eryx (and everyone else). I appreciate your feedback so much!
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 11 February 2019, 17:58

Well, yesterday was "D-Day". That's "D" for daring and depression. Mostly depression. I'll get to that later.

So after almost a month of not seeing my crush (found out he was on vacation in Hawaii) I finally see him working back at the bar. Yay! I chat him up and ask about his trip and so forth and it's an easy back-and-forth chat. I feel good about that.

I order a beer, then a second, and before I know it, I've downed four large glasses! I'm feeling rather relaxed -- yet tense because I'm gearing up for the big "ask him out" moment.

So I decide to take the leap. As casually as possible, I say something like, "hey I'd like to hear more about your vacation, but you're so busy (he really was -- running around taking care of everyone), maybe after your shift you can tell me more".

He says, "oh, I think I might have to work a double shift today".

OK. So I just remember to play it cool and honestly I can't really remember exactly what happened then because I was rather buzzed, and had just done something I'd never done (ask someone out -- in a very roundabout way, but still, I put myself "out there").

I had already paid and I gave him a $10 cash tip although like I say I was in such a fog after the bomb went off that I was just kinda like a zombie.

So then I think OK I need some food in me and I obviously can't order food at his bar and sit there some more, cause I wanted to make a clean break and get out of there. So I stop at another restaurant, get something to eat (oh, and have a couple glasses of red wine...)

I walk back to my car -- still in quite a "state" -- and then, in the privacy of the car, I lost it. I mean big time. Like nothing else ever. I must have just bawled and choked (almost thought I was gonna vomit) and let the tears roll down my face and it was like a combination of crying and screaming and just incoherent babbling.

I got home (ugh -- hour drive) and my housemate could tell something was wrong but since I'm not out to him and because he's got his own life issues, I just didn't feel like getting into it. I just went to bed early and took some Benadryl to knock myself out. But it was a hellish night. I was so depressed, yet agitated. I kept waking up every few hours and God there was such an ache inside and my mind was telling me, "this is the end of the world".

Ugh!

I took a LONG walk this morning which helped. Jumped into work and I guess I'll be OK. But it still hurts A LOT and GOD I want to see him again, but I know it's probably not good for me to just go sit at his bar and be sad.

I'm sorry, I am in a real state but I just wanted to let you all know what happened in this saga of mine. THANK YOU so much for reading and for just letting me feel I am not alone.

~David
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby Eryx » 11 February 2019, 18:14

Okay, there's some things to unpack here.

First off, his response isn't necessarily a turn down from just reading it. I guess the way he said it and what he did after could give the reader more of an idea if this was an excuse or simply him telling the truth. After all, he was on vacation, maybe he needs to make up for the lost time to save some money and pay his bills? Or maybe he's just covering for someone else. Do you feel like it was used as an excuse?

Secondly, the men and women who do hit on others often are people who learned how to deal with rejection. A lot of these people even get rejected more than are reciprocated, because others don't always want to go on a date, many people are already in relationships and sometimes the focus of affection isn't interested in the person hitting on them. Learning how to handle being rejected is a life skill that should be worked on.

This is only the first time you've been shot down, I'm surprised with how affected you were. It is - I'm sorry to say it - an overreaction. The world isn't going to end and he's not the last man on the planet. Other crushes will happen in your life. You've taken an important step to get out of your comfort zone and communicate that you want to get to know him better, but as he said no, it's not a big deal. In fact, you could have stayed there. Your approach wasn't awkward, and as long as you kept acting like yourself, he shouldn't be phased by it either.
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby Brasileiro » 11 February 2019, 18:59

If this is how you react to a diappointment, I hate to see you after a break up.
It is only so devastating because you made such a huge build up and had expectations, maybe dreams.
You like someone, want him and he does not want you. It happens. You would not date just anyone either, I would think.
As Eryx said, you need to learn to deal with rejection.



I worry about the ease you drink wine after beer and top it up with anti histamine "to knock yourself out" as if you have experience with that or do not even care what might happen. If you have no respect for your body, why do you expect others to treat you well? You will be an easy victim to abuse. Be careful there.
Wear your crown with pride, man, do not let people knock you over. If it happens, straighten your wig (so to speak) and strut on! Make the world your runway. Someone will see how fabulous you are and date you.
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 11 February 2019, 20:49

Eryx wrote:Okay, there's some things to unpack here.

First off, his response isn't necessarily a turn down from just reading it. I guess the way he said it and what he did after could give the reader more of an idea if this was an excuse or simply him telling the truth. After all, he was on vacation, maybe he needs to make up for the lost time to save some money and pay his bills? Or maybe he's just covering for someone else. Do you feel like it was used as an excuse?

Secondly, the men and women who do hit on others often are people who learned how to deal with rejection. A lot of these people even get rejected more than are reciprocated, because others don't always want to go on a date, many people are already in relationships and sometimes the focus of affection isn't interested in the person hitting on them. Learning how to handle being rejected is a life skill that should be worked on.

This is only the first time you've been shot down, I'm surprised with how affected you were. It is - I'm sorry to say it - an overreaction. The world isn't going to end and he's not the last man on the planet. Other crushes will happen in your life. You've taken an important step to get out of your comfort zone and communicate that you want to get to know him better, but as he said no, it's not a big deal. In fact, you could have stayed there. Your approach wasn't awkward, and as long as you kept acting like yourself, he shouldn't be phased by it either.


Thank you, Eryx!

Yeah, a lot to unpack. Thank you for helping me do that!

I suppose his response is not necessarily a turn down, strictly speaking. I guess I took it as one, because I was sort of expecting it to be. I am not sure if it was an excuse or not. I did walk by the place later and took a peek inside and noticed another bartender there. But maybe my guy was still there too. I just don't know.

Yes, dealing with rejection is a life skill I will have to work on. I am new to the whole dating scene, and I realize I did overreact.

Thank you for affirming that my approach was not awkward. I am proud of myself for keeping my composure. He doesn't have to know that I cried like a baby later.

Thanks again for your feedback, Eryx! I really appreciate it.

~ David
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 11 February 2019, 20:55

Brasileiro wrote:If this is how you react to a diappointment, I hate to see you after a break up.
It is only so devastating because you made such a huge build up and had expectations, maybe dreams.
You like someone, want him and he does not want you. It happens. You would not date just anyone either, I would think.
As Eryx said, you need to learn to deal with rejection.



I worry about the ease you drink wine after beer and top it up with anti histamine "to knock yourself out" as if you have experience with that or do not even care what might happen. If you have no respect for your body, why do you expect others to treat you well? You will be an easy victim to abuse. Be careful there.
Wear your crown with pride, man, do not let people knock you over. If it happens, straighten your wig (so to speak) and strut on! Make the world your runway. Someone will see how fabulous you are and date you.



Thank you, Brasilerio, for your feedback!

Yes, I think I built up my expectations way too much. I am a real novice here but I'm glad for the experience so I can learn from it. I thought I was prepared to deal with rejection, but I guess my heart of hearts wasn't!

I am sure drinking all that beer AND wine AND taking an antihistamine contributed to my "gross" feeling this morning. I will admit, I have a problem. I drink much too much and have even thrown in some oxycodone on occasion.

Thank you for encouraging me to wear my "crown"! I appreciate the vote of confidence as well as the constructive criticism!

~David
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby Eryx » 11 February 2019, 21:01

We can only get anywhere by trying. You're already a champ for being collected about your first attempt at reaching out. When someone does respond positively, the thrill will most definitely make up for this small disappointment. Don't feel discouraged to keep talking to people and letting them know how you feel. :)

As for the alcohol, honestly I think I drink more than you in casual situations, but I don't top it all off with benadryl, so my hangovers are probably a little less taxing. Don't feel bad about how you drink on the weekends, but do beware of the effects of strong medicine WITH alcohol. Those don't really mix well. And being healthy translates to being happy!
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 11 February 2019, 21:50

Eryx wrote:We can only get anywhere by trying. You're already a champ for being collected about your first attempt at reaching out. When someone does respond positively, the thrill will most definitely make up for this small disappointment. Don't feel discouraged to keep talking to people and letting them know how you feel. :)

As for the alcohol, honestly I think I drink more than you in casual situations, but I don't top it all off with benadryl, so my hangovers are probably a little less taxing. Don't feel bad about how you drink on the weekends, but do beware of the effects of strong medicine WITH alcohol. Those don't really mix well. And being healthy translates to being happy!


Thank you Eryx! Your support means so much to me!
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 15 February 2019, 20:55

Quick update: I am doing much better now. I had three days of hell -- feeling like a plane that was headed in a real nose-dive, then crashing into the ocean and feeling like I was drowning. But, thanks to you all, my parents, and some wonderful friends, I made it through.

I don't think I mentioned it earlier, but this last Monday was the day that I "came out" officially to my parents and a few friends. It was about 30 years coming. So -- this whole crush I think is the catalyst that unleashed a whole lot of stuff!

Perhaps this is the blessing in disguise. The unprecedented intense crush was the key to unlocking this door that had been locked up so tightly for so long.

I am seeing a therapist tomorrow and hope that will bring further healing as I explore this new road.

Again, thank you to you guys out there who have helped me along so far!

Yours,
David
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby Brasileiro » 16 February 2019, 08:53

Thank for the update and goodluck.
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby BlueBoy19 » 21 February 2019, 02:24

So it's been 10 days since I casually suggested hanging out with my bartender crush after his shift. But, he had to work a double shift, which pre-empted any "date" that evening. However, as Eryx mentioned, it wasn't necessarily a turn-down; my guy truly could have had to work. Of course, it could have been an excuse. I'm really not sure whether it was or not. And, since I sort of panicked (but kept a chill demeanor) and left the bar, I didn't take the next step and suggest another time, or even stick around for a bit and keep chatting.

I realize now that I overreacted and let the situation throw me more than it needed to. Fortunately, I've stabilized and feel "reset" after a few days of extreme emotional turbulence. I believe I was in such a crisis mode because I was coming out to myself and to my family and a few close friends, after 40-some years of holding it in.

Anyway, my question now is this: do I dare go back to the bar and see my guy again and pick up where I left off? I mean, just keeping it light and casual and chatting him up, and letting us get acquainted more? And then -- perhaps suggesting again that we hang out sometime over a bite or drink or something?

I do NOT want to go through any more "turbulence" -- because that was truly hell! But I also don't want to "give up" on him. Furthermore, I sincerely desire to just be friends first. I really am interested in his person foremost, not his body. I mean, a physical relationship would be awesome, but just as awesome would be to get to know him as a fellow gay guy. I really feel such a connection with him. Is there a way to ask him out initially as just a "buddy" and not a lover?

Let me reiterate that I am just completely new to this whole scene and am so green and inexperienced. I so appreciate the support and advice from all of you!
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Re: Crush on bartender

Unread postby Brasileiro » 21 February 2019, 10:40

You really need to find out what he does in is spare time. If he goes to a gym f.i. you can join the gym and chat with him there and maybe suggest to go for runs together or something like that.
If he does something else, see if you can be involved in that too. Ask him if he can introduce you to it.

You could ask for his help chosing movies. This way you get to know what he likes and also you have a subject to talk about next time and at some time you could ask him to go to the cinema with you, maybe even with more friends, to make sure he knows it is not a date kind of thing.

Do be sure to pick up on signs of unease and rejection, though. You do not want to be a stalker...
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