Dating with mental health

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Dating with mental health

Unread postby Plan z » 23 October 2018, 20:09

Would you guys date someone who has borderline personality disorder ive read quite alot of bad experiences on reddit wondering what you guys think?
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby Satsuma » 23 October 2018, 20:25

It's hard for me to say. I've been told over the past few months I might have some kind of personality disorder, and although that might not be the case I've lived most of my life with mental health issues affecting me.

Personally I would say yes, although it would depend on the person. BPD is an illness, not a reflection of who someone is. The person suffering from BPD is better than their disorder. Everyone living with mental health issues has to go through a lot just to get themselves through day-to-day life, and it can be debilitating for them. Especially with a personality disorder, many people find simple things everyone else would take for granted difficult, like building school or work relationships, dating like you say, or interacting with family members.

I'm absolutely no expert, but for me again it would depend on the person. I haven't read the things on Reddit you have, but I do have first-hand experience of mental illness in my own life and I once prevented a bipolar friend of mine from harming themselves at university by just talking to them and understanding. Some people with BPD may be unfriendly for other reasons, but for those who are suffering understanding, patience and help from others are what they need.

It varies, but it definitely wouldn't put me off if the person was right. Heck, that person could even be me.

Edit: I respect the views expressed below but again, I'd just like to emphasise that people with bipolar and personality disorders are people too. They're not manipulative, they seem that way because of what's wrong with them. They don't enjoy acting the way they do, it's the only way they can interact with the world and again; they are clearly ill and not bad people in themselves. Feel free to say you wouldn't date someone like that and why, but all these answers tainting these people so badly and others like them are pretty upsetting. I thought there was more compassion than this in the world; I was obviously wrong.
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby Yeauxleaux » 24 October 2018, 00:33

I'm kind of low key about it (because I hate burdening people with my problems) but I've actually dealt with depression ongoing for quite a long time. It comes in waves, I can have periods where I function pretty normally without any help whatsoever, then sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming. I do worry sometimes about it affecting my chances of dating really long-term, but at the same time I know when I'm not in the right place mentally for a relationship. I'm currently trying to really get my ducks in a row and get myself as consistently well as possible (and get some things together in my life generally), before I really give dating another chance. I think I'll probably have more success then, and I'll be able to give whoever I date a better version of me.

Because of my circumstances, I am open minded to dating other men who go through this sort of thing and supporting them through it, but I do have my limits. I wouldn't tolerate anyone who lets their illness become a justification for abusing or totally depending on me. I'd expect them to give life the best shot they possibly can the way I want to, without constant excuses and crutches.
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby netflix_n_chill » 24 October 2018, 00:49

I think it depends. If the person is receiving treatments and stable enough. As someone who suffer from mental illness, I would say it'll be harder than dating a "normal" person and it'll take lots of patience. And sometimes you might wonder why they are acting the way they do, but it could be the illness that is messing up in their mind, so it's very important to understand the illness someone is suffering from before decide to commit to a relationship with them.

I think many people often shy away from people with mental illness because they might be scared and have a bad impression about their illness based what they hear about it. Any relationship would need lots of work to be strong, solid and healthy. So I think it's totally possible to date someone with mental illness. If you have feelings for the person, I would say go head and give it a go.
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby azgayguy » 24 October 2018, 04:59

BPD people are downright dangerous, they are masters of manipulation and wreaking havoc in the lives of everyone they touch. My mother had BPD and ruined the two relationships that killed my desire for gay sex and lots of it. When I was with either of the two women the desires left. My high school sweetheart was told I died in a car wreck while I was out of town working, when I returned her and her family had moved to another state so they could be near her when she went to school to become a veterinarian. I was going to go with them. Mom gave me a typed letter saying she met someone in school and was going to marry him and did not want me to follow her, I respected her/my moms wishes. Reconnected with her a few years ago. I met her family and we both cried for a hour. We had plans.

The mother of my child came right after my high school sweetheart, met her at work and we hit it off that day, Her only issue was drinking as her dad molested her when she was growing up, her dad raped her and my teen neighbor raped me and that made us stronger. I had arranged treatment for her and she agreed to go and then she just disappeared, I chased after her and was told to leave her alone or go to jail so I left. I found her on facebook about 6 years ago and checked her profile often. When I reconnected with her a few years ago, actually I just showed up wanting answers why she left when a woman that looked like her walked through the door and stopped, she said I know who you are and I have been waiting for you, do you know who I am? I looked at her and knew and began crying. I said you are my daughter and she said yes. Her mom said she left because my mom visited her at work when I was out of town for two days and told her she knew she was pregnant and that while she was in rehab I was going to court to have her declared incompetent and that I was going to take the baby and keep her from ever seeing it. She bolted that night with a lesbian woman from work who convinced her it was going to happen. I had no idea she was pregnant at the time. I had a chance to get my daughter when she was 12 but that's when I died in my second car crash arranged by mom, Court officers didn't check when they came looking for me when my daughter was taken away from her mom. My daughter was sexually abused by the women in her moms life and was taken away. She became a heroin addict and I got her into rehab to keep her two children from the same life, she died in rehab. Her ex has the kids and I am working on getting to see them.

So would I have anything to do with anyone who has mental issues? Hell no, my life was ruined by a mother with BPD. They are dangerous. She got rid of the most beautiful woman I ever dated who has 4 beautiful children. She cost the life of a wonderful woman who was scheduled for treatment for alcoholism, she died of liver cancer, I held her hand as she died. I never stopped loving her. None of her lesbian friends came to see her in her last six months they were so offended I was there to help her. At least I got that last six months with her, it was like we were never apart. Mom put my daughter in the hands of women that cared nothing about her, just wanted to use her.

Mom has dementia and is in a nursing home. I confronted her about it during a moment of clarity she had when she said she hated me from the moment my dad put me in her and that I ruined her life and dreams. That's BPD for you.
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby GearFetTwinkRomance » 24 October 2018, 11:15

Plan z wrote:Would you guys date someone who has borderline personality disorder ive read quite alot of bad experiences on reddit wondering what you guys think?


Sorry to say so, but not even any more consider just knowing someone closer, who had precisely this disorder.
I made the experience to know someone with borderline before, he was very manipulative and even possessively, and his mood swings were unpredictable. As long as you talk to their views, you're their best buddy, and if you said something they didn't like, you could as well go right to hell, you're the enemy more quick as you could look again. Experience has scared me, and this guy wasn't more than a 2-years acquaintance .

Of course one can not judge over every borderline case from one or another. I don't want to become a doctor of psychiatry or counsellor. I know some folks with other, less 'awesome' mental disorders, though. Mainly depressive and PTSD-related.

No, I would not want to date with a borderline personality.

I completely understand and respect people, who would not date me because of Aspergers or being weird mentally, too.
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby Tommiebee » 24 October 2018, 14:42

Hard to say.
Considering that homosexuality was considered a mental illness until not that long ago, it's tough to throw stones living in a glass house, but...
With any behavior disorder that borders on having dangerous-to-others behavior I would be very cautious.
The problem comes in sussing out who might be dangerous far enough in advance to protect yourself.
Having and maintaining healthy boundaries plus not being afraid to shut it all down and walk away to protect yourself would be a valuable asset. I have had to wall some people out of my life to protect myself. Face it, not many seriously disturbed people either recognize it in themselves or announce it to you ahead of time.
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby Sherri » 25 October 2018, 23:31

No. I dated a guy with bipolar disorder, a much less severe mental illness, and in doing so found my cutoff for mental health. It was a hellish couple of years of off and on and when he was great he was so fucking great and when he was bad I was a clingy bitch for even wanting to text him good morning. He was very manipulative and he hurt me badly. I don't harbor ill will toward him now but it took years of very poisonous feelings toward him and letting those go to get to that point.

I've had friends date BPD folks and it always ended poorly. One ended up married to her guy and he had a break, couldn't recognize her, threatened to kill her for being a fake version of his wife, etc. I'm not fucking with any manner of that.
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby PopTart » 26 October 2018, 05:07

Like everyone else here, i think it would depend largely on the case and the Individual. Some people manage their conditions better than others and some people use it as a justification to be asses.

I expect a degree of ups and downs in any relationship, i tend to believe that most people have some form of depression or anxiety issues at some point in their lives and that, being a partner is partly about being there to support and go through that with them. But there has to be a willingness and desire on the part of the person with mental health issues, to actually want to work on it.

That isn't always the case.

I too can experience bouts of depression, anxiety and confusion about my own emotional state and I'm very much aware that must he difficult for some more grounded to want to contend with.

As such, i try to be.open minded. I try to be patient as i would hope someone would be with me, but as yeauxleaux and Sherri both said, there are and i think have to be, limits. Without them, it's a free pass for a significant other to regard that which is unreasonable, as being reasonable.

When that happens, you can be certain that things will soon start to spiral out of control and long term happiness or even contentment, become all but impossible.
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby GearFetTwinkRomance » 26 October 2018, 06:48

Thing is, to add, all the compassion one could possibly generate, doesn't help to safety in such situations. Not everyone can be, or likes to be a professional handler of mental disorders characteristics, while dating or engaging into a relationship to someone. The difficulties that may arise in a 'normal' relationship, may ask for a decent level of patience already. Difficulties that come with mental disorders, especially from the schizoid spectrum and psychosis related, can be significantly higher.

I found this article, it's pretty descriptive on borderline characteristics in context to relationship:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/loving-som ... -disorder/

Excerpt :
Nothing is gray or gradual. For people with BPD, things are black and white. They have the quintessential Jekyll and Hyde personality. They fluctuate dramatically between idealising and devaluing you and may suddenly and sporadically shift throughout the day. You never know what or whom to expect.

Their intense, labile emotions elevate you when they’re in good spirits and crush you when they’re not. You’re a prince or a jerk, a princess or a witch. If you’re on the outs with them, all their bad feelings get projected onto you. They can be vindictive and punish you with words, silence, or other manipulations, which can be very destructive to your self-esteem.

They’re desperate to be loved and cared for, yet are hyper-vigilant for any real or imagined signs of rejection or abandonment. It is common for them to cut off relatives or friends who “betray” them.

For them, trust is always an issue, often leading to distortions of reality and paranoia. You’re seen as either for or against them and must take their side. Don’t dare to defend their enemy or try to justify or explain any slight they claim to have experienced. They may try to bait you into anger, then falsely accuse you of rejecting them, make you doubt reality and your sanity, or even brainwash you as emotional manipulation. It is not unusual for them to cut off friends and relatives who they feel have betrayed them.


Reflects a lot of said experience. It doesn't change reality, that they may not act on intention, but as lead on by their malfunctioning mind. For someone in a relationship with them, it does not change the intensity of getting hurt eventually. One may end up getting hurt from any kind of relationship, if it doesn't work out, aye. But knowing, it will be almost certainly the case, it's legitimate to decline.
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby Satsuma » 26 October 2018, 16:05

GearFetTwinkRomance wrote:-snip-


Sorry :( I think I overreacted. I may have misread what other people were saying. In a relationship, I totally agree the main thing is to keep yourself safe. I was just worried that fear of these kinds of people in general may lead to them becoming 'others', and that people may be forgetting that their disorder is just as hard for them as it is for those around them. This might not be the thread for arguments like that =/

So sorry again :( I just hate to think of these people as totally discarded for the rest of their lives, and people like them forever tainted. With the right help, some of these people can enter relationships and bring happiness but you're right, most people aren't mental health professionals. I think it's important to realise both that safety comes first and these people are ill. Maybe everyone already knows that. This topic just touches a bit close to home for me, so I got a bit emotional when writing my response.

To the OP: I would echo what everyone else is saying here. Keep yourself safe first, if you don't want to get involved with someone with BPD or bipolar then please don't, but please don't treat them harshly or think bad of them either. That's all I have to say :)
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby PopTart » 26 October 2018, 18:25

SplashySploo wrote:
GearFetTwinkRomance wrote:-snip-


Sorry :( I think I overreacted. I may have misread what other people were saying. In a relationship, I totally agree the main thing is to keep yourself safe. I was just worried that fear of these kinds of people in general may lead to them becoming 'others', and that people may be forgetting that their disorder is just as hard for them as it is for those around them. This might not be the thread for arguments like that =/

So sorry again :( I just hate to think of these people as totally discarded for the rest of their lives, and people like them forever tainted. With the right help, some of these people can enter relationships and bring happiness but you're right, most people aren't mental health professionals. I think it's important to realise both that safety comes first and these people are ill. Maybe everyone already knows that. This topic just touches a bit close to home for me, so I got a bit emotional when writing my response.

To the OP: I would echo what everyone else is saying here. Keep yourself safe first, if you don't want to get involved with someone with BPD or bipolar then please don't, but please don't treat them harshly or think bad of them either. That's all I have to say :)

I did wonder if your comment, in the other thread (what made you frown) was in relation to this but wasn't sure.

I don't think anyone is saying that people who suffer with any kind of mental health disorder, should be cast to the wind or regarded as broken things, not worth the time.

As I mentioned previously, I think everyone is just a little bit mad. :P Many of us experience mental health related issues in our life times. The opinions expressed here, I think tend to refer to those people, who are unaware of their problems and the impact it can have on the people around them or people who choose to do nothing about it. Either because of a lack of awareness of themselves or of mental health in general, or because they have found a way to make their condition work for them.

Not everyone is decent, honest and kind. Some people do indeed have a desire to control, dominate or even, simply to get what they want, at the expense of others, emotionally, pyschologically or financially.

We might refer to such people as narcissitic in mentality. Are they terrible or evil (a word I really don't like) people? No, but that doesn't mean they are easy to form meaningful, healthy relationships with and some people may choose to avoid doing so, having had bad experiences in the past.

I do believe that, before anything else, we each have a responsibility and duty to attend, as best as we are able, to our own mental health and well being, before expecting others to do that for us. We can ask and hope for support, we can seek guidance and comfort, care and attention. But what we shouldn't expect, is that other people will do the "heavy lifting" for us. Or simply put up with our "baggage" for lack of a better term, so that we don't have to confront the issues we are sadled with. To use our issues, as a means to bully, cajole or gain some advantage in a relationship, be it romantic or otherwise. All that ofcourse is to say that "in and ideal situation" people would be that way.

But life is anything but ideal and we all are trying to muddle through, find our way and live happy lives.

It can be hard for people with mental health issues to do that and it can be hard for others to contend with someone elses, when they might be dealing with some of their own (who isn't right?)

I hope you understand that no-one is sayng that people with BPD, depression or any other disorder, should be shunned. But that sometimes, people with mental health issues, don't always realise that their condition can have a profound and sometimes detrimental impact on those around them and sometimes, sadly, some people don't care. It's sad, but it's true.

Hence, why it's important to take each person and their situation into consideration.
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby René » 26 October 2018, 18:32

SplashySploo wrote:I just hate to think of these people as totally discarded for the rest of their lives, and people like them forever tainted.

There's no need to think of them like that, e.g. in the case of BPD / EUPD:

Zanarini et al. wrote:The longitudinal course of borderline psychopathology: 6-year prospective follow-up of the phenomenology of borderline personality disorder.

OBJECTIVE:
The syndromal and subsyndromal phenomenology of borderline personality disorder was tracked over 6 years of prospective follow-up.

METHOD:
The psychopathology of 362 inpatients with personality disorders was assessed with the Revised Diagnostic Interview for Borderlines (DIB-R) and borderline personality disorder module of the Revised Diagnostic Interview for DSM-III-R Personality Disorders. Of these patients, 290 met DIB-R and DSM-III-R criteria for borderline personality disorder and 72 met DSM-III-R criteria for other axis II disorders (and neither criteria set for borderline personality disorder). Most of the borderline patients received multiple treatments before the index admission and during the study. Over 94% of the total surviving subjects were reassessed at 2, 4, and 6 years by interviewers blind to previously collected information.

RESULTS:
Of the subjects with borderline personality disorder, 34.5% met the criteria for remission at 2 years, 49.4% at 4 years, 68.6% at 6 years, and 73.5% over the entire follow-up. Only 5.9% of those with remissions experienced recurrences. None of the comparison subjects with other axis II disorders developed borderline personality disorder during follow-up. The patients with borderline personality disorder had declining rates of 24 symptom patterns but remained symptomatically distinct from the comparison subjects. Impulsive symptoms resolved the most quickly, affective symptoms were the most chronic, and cognitive and interpersonal symptoms were intermediate.

CONCLUSIONS:
These results suggest that symptomatic improvement is both common and stable, even among the most disturbed borderline patients, and that the symptomatic prognosis for most, but not all, severely ill borderline patients is better than previously recognized.

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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby Plan z » 4 November 2018, 23:57

Thank you for the responses i wrote this thread part curiosity part desperation its interesting to hear at least one person has had a relationship with someone with bpd it can be a terrible beautiful thing at times
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby VanessaWal » 5 August 2020, 20:59

It is really interesting question. I had this experience, but it was very difficult and for and for my girlfriend. She was a very hard type of this disorder, we always tried to make her feeling better, she always was passive and sad, it was like permanent depression. One time I have read about kratom for energy, we were so desperate and decided to try it. And thanks God, it worked. She started to wake up easily in the morning and had energy all the day long. If you are in interested to read more, here is the link : https://www.ethnobotanicalcouncil.org/b ... -euphoria/
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby Jasper1 » 6 August 2020, 09:32

Personally I wouldn’t go there. Like some others have already posted, for me it’s important that my partner has their shit together. You need to be happy within your own skin to make someone else happy.

Relationships are difficult enough after the initial lustful period so I would want to start out in the best place possible.

I understand that people tend to not reveal everything about themselves at the start of a relationship and sometimes hides the things they think will put off a partner and this is normal but if someone is dealing with these types of problems, it’s best to seek professional help to find a happy place before embarking on a relationship, which could potentially make the situation worse.
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Re: Dating with mental health

Unread postby Eryx » 6 August 2020, 13:56

azgayguy wrote:Personal story
Jesus christ.
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