Do I really have the right to complain?

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Do I really have the right to complain?

Unread postby octoberlove » 22 December 2018, 02:36

Hi everyone,

I have a question regarding how low testosterone affects gay relationships. I can't seem to talk to anyone about this in person (no one I know personally has experienced this problem), so I have turned online for help.

My partner and I have been together for a little over a year now. A few months into the relationship, I realized that his sexual habits were far less than my previous relationships. I chalked it up to the fact that he was 46 (I am 25), and that was that. However, when the sex became so infrequent that it was maybe once every two or three weeks, I noticed that was when it became a problem for me and I found myself snapping at him over little things, becoming annoyed with just sitting and watching TV, or even suspecting him of cheating on me.

With a great deal of shame, he told me that he had been diagnosed with low T a long time ago, and I felt horrible for how I had acted. He said that - treatment wise - Viagra just didn't work for him and the testosterone pills he once took made him very aggressive as a side effect, so he stopped taking them. As such, he currently is under no treatment for the low T, and after a series of bitter arguments between us, he has decided not to treat the issue. I suppose, I am expected to accept the issue as it is and accept what sex is given to me - be it once every few weeks, or once a month.

My question is this: if everything else is going right in the relationship, do I really have a right to complain? He has a good job, he works hard and comes home every night, the bills get paid. I myself recently graduated from college and he was very supportive in that process over the last year. He is otherwise caring and loving, and I know that there is always a give and take in every relationship. It is a 80/20 rule, if you have ever heard that expression. If life-wise, he takes care of everything he is supposed to as a partner, is it okay if he lets the sex slide as it is?

If it is not okay, then what do I do about it? I don't think it is fair to leave a relationship over a lack of sex. I mean, eventually we will all get old and the sex will die off anyway. Should I accept the issue as it is at age 25 instead of 35? I love him, so I don't want to break up over not getting enough sex - when I think about it that way, it just sounds childish. But if it is not worth leaving over, and talking about only leads to resentment and bitterness from him because he feels like I am "nagging" him about it - his words, not mine - and he doesn't want to seek treatment to boost the T levels, then what is a couple to do?

I feel like people don't talk about these things, especially not in the movies. It's like, gay couples...you're supposed to be having sex all the time, especially in the beginning of the relationship, but that is just not the case in reality. In fact, I would say three months into us having sex, it tapered off and I was left feeling confused, unwanted, and my self-esteem was super low.

I appreciate your thoughts and replies in shedding some light on this frustrating issue. Thanks.
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Re: Do I really have the right to complain?

Unread postby BlackBoi666 » 22 December 2018, 02:54

just buy a dildo, jerk off, and reap the economic benefits he gives you. and considering that all relationships come to an end, either by break up or a partner's death, (90% of the time, the first option) you'll have a new chance to be with another man, once that goes into effect.
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Re: Do I really have the right to complain?

Unread postby mxguy01 » 22 December 2018, 05:02

I would say that only you can judge if it is at a point in which you leave the relationship or not. There are always other ways to be happy. Use of toys, something. But I guess if you have low sex drive then your partner isn't exactly working his part there either due to lack of interest?

Honestly I think a relationship built more on finances rather than on the love in the relationship (call it sexual or not), then I think it is doomed for failure. I guess that depends upon the individual, what you value and how much your value those things.

Also, I think rather strongly you have every right not to want to be in an asexual relationship. Oh and by the way, sex does not have to die off when you get older. Taking care of yourself goes a long ways there. Remember that for yourself as well.

What to do: Well consider your options. Discuss them with him. Think seriously about it yourself. Decide a way forward between the two of you. Maybe perhaps you both should see a sex therapist.

Oh and he really should have disclosed that way before getting as deep into a relationship. I'd be upset about that as well.
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Re: Do I really have the right to complain?

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 22 December 2018, 16:38

Diagnosed with low T? Isn’t that just...aging?
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Re: Do I really have the right to complain?

Unread postby Eryx » 23 December 2018, 20:19

@mxguy01 said it all, there's nothing else to add.
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Re: Do I really have the right to complain?

Unread postby octoberlove » 24 December 2018, 15:23

No, i’ve already brought up therapy and he thought that was ridiculous. Any time ai bring it up or ask for sex, it just turns into an argument. So i’ve learned to stop talking about it with him.
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Re: Do I really have the right to complain?

Unread postby mxguy01 » 24 December 2018, 20:28

octoberlove wrote:No, i’ve already brought up therapy and he thought that was ridiculous. Any time ai bring it up or ask for sex, it just turns into an argument. So i’ve learned to stop talking about it with him.


Well not talking about it is certainly going to fix it... You said

I don't think it is fair to leave a relationship over a lack of sex


I'd disagree. I'm the older guy in this my case. I don't have that problem yet, knock on (morning) wood every day! Joking aside if I were him and I wanted to keep you, I would find some way of getting you what you NEED! We can all understand the difficulties he's going through but still he should be understanding of your needs as well. Frankly if that is the case then you need to start at couple's counseling or just give up and move on. Letting it just fester will make it absolutely horrible for the both of you until neither can take it anymore. Want to end it that way?
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Re: Do I really have the right to complain?

Unread postby Vertical » 31 December 2018, 21:02

You can demand from your boyfriend that he takes all the standard diagnostic and therapeutic steps that can help to improve his sexual performance.

I find it strange that he finds it difficult to discuss this topic with you because his behaviour obviously endangers the relationship. So we have a biological and a psychological problem.

If you are happy with the relationship but need more sex than he can offer he should agree to a sexually open relationship, which isn’t unusual in cases like yours.
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Re: Do I really have the right to complain?

Unread postby Aunty Eva » 1 January 2019, 01:28

A relationship without sexual contact or lack of it is very stressful if you have a high sex drive. Sex also brings intimacy and makes you feel loved and wanted. The other things you mention, finances etc, though important are just materialistic and not essential.

I was in a similar situation before. I loved my ex partner with all my heart but he just couldn't give me what I wanted or what I needed to feel complete.

In the end, it got nasty. I resented him for not trying to do something to repair the fractures in the relationship. He resented me for wanting more than he was prepared to give and neither of us were prepared to open the relationship.

I ended it, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But, it was the right thing. Looking back, I wish I had done it sooner and we may have stayed friends. Instead we don't speak. We have mutual friends and if we're both invited to an event or party it becomes awkward because we just can't get on. I've tried but resentment runs deep.

I know sex isn't everything but mental health is. Sex is a key component to keeping me mentally and physically healthy. We were having sex once a month of I was lucky. He had no drive at all. It just stopped becoming pleasurable and I felt unloved, unwanted and unattractive.

You need to find a solution, try again to talk about it. Make it clear that it is creating a wedge between you and it may be the end of the relationship because he's not meeting your basic need for affection and intimacy. Be prepared to walk away.
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