Do I say something?

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Do I say something?

Unread postby jamesuk43 » 4 February 2020, 11:10

Hi all

I wondered if you can advise me on whether or not to speak out on this one or just move on and let it go. It’s a little complicated so please bear with me.

I met the most amazing guy at the beginning of 2019 and despite some tricky times sexually we have formed the most incredible relationship and one that is like no other I have had before. We are close on a level I have never known.

The early days were tricky, not least because of intimacy issues on his part which I think we are overcoming and working on. He was very sexually active before meeting me, not least online with other guys.

The early days brought up a lot of trust issues for me. He was still heavily using Grindr (for chat) at least 6-8 weeks after we met. In those early days I was very suspicious of him and how he used his phone (lots of hiding of the device, turning away from me when using it, being over protective etc.) I was convinced for a time he was still using sites like Fabguys/Fab Swingers and Grindr for sex chat.

I was very honest about my concerns at the time. He always denied he was seeing anyone else and or talking to anyone.

Since June last year we turned a corner and moved into a fully committed relationship. He is much more open with his current phone. We both share passcodes and look at each other’s phones. We even tell each other if we receive messages from past guys or exes.

…BUT despite this current openness and the love I have for him I can’t get one thing out of my mind.

Because we are so open with phones (and yes I was casually looking at his phone) I discovered just before xmas, messages from April/May last year (A few months after we started dating) to another person (a female friend) asking to arrange a threesome with her, and another guy (not me). It’s clear he was drunk in the messages and it’s doesn’t appear anything actually happened.
It also appears he had some form of sexual relationship with this female friend for 6 months a year earlier.

I also discovered a conversation with a friend in which he was talking about a guy he was dating and pictures of someone else. This was 2-3 months after we started dating! I was shocked to see there was someone else in his life in this period

While I am confident he is 100% faithful now I am sad to discover this. It has coloured my view of him today and I can’t let it go. I don’t know whether to move on and let it go or say something.

I don’t want to end the relationship over this but I do feel sad he was not honest with me in this period.

Weirdly it has also vindicated me and confirmed my suspicion at the time was bang on.

I accept that many date multiple people at the same time before making a firm commitment and I know that today we are really good but I just can’t get out of my mind that the first few months of our relationship weren’t as I thought they were. It feels like a lie.

I am scared that unless I let this go I will mess up all that we have today which is 100% good and amazing.

Your thoughts are very welcome – thank you
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Re: Do I say something?

Unread postby René » 4 February 2020, 11:32

I'm sure you'll receive great advice from others but I just want to note one thing first: unless I've misread, it sounds like all the apparent transgressions occurred before you were officially in a "fully committed" relationship, which wasn't until June 2019. Were there actually any lies involved or was he pretty much operating within what he thought were the parameters of your relationship at the time? Can you deduce that he meant to cheat on you?

A lot of people get stuck in this frame of mind where having sex with lots of different people all the time is the most normal thing in the world, and I don't agree with it at all, but it sounds like he's grown out of that. Maybe we can't judge him for anything he did before he made that transition, and before it was understood that you were in a fully committed relationship... maybe we should think of it a bit like idiot stuff we did as teenagers which we would never do the way we are now.

This was a bit of a ramble but I hope it helps :keke:
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Re: Do I say something?

Unread postby jamesuk43 » 4 February 2020, 13:06

Thank you for your reply.

I am inclined to agree with you and have often thought very much the same thing myself. It's good to hear it from someone else.

What drives me mad is I can be ok with it one minute and accepting that this is past behaviour...but the very next minute my mind starts chatting away and I can't stop thinking about it.

One way or another I need to find peace with it once and for all
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Re: Do I say something?

Unread postby René » 4 February 2020, 13:15

Yeah, that's clearly not sustainable. Do you think talking about it with him would help you come to terms with it? Are you sure that would end badly?

Maybe the best way to bring it up would just be to link him to this thread? You've certainly made clear how much you value your relationship and that you fully trust him not to violate the commitment he made to you.
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Re: Do I say something?

Unread postby Eryx » 4 February 2020, 15:31

Yeah, I feel like having a conversation about it would be the best way to go. It's complicated when people look at our phones because things don't have a lot of context and something simple, which just isn't a big deal, could end up causing a whole thing. There's a lot of personal stuff I like to talk about with my friends, and that includes my relationship, so I think that if I knew my boyfriend had full access I'd probably just end up deleting a bunch of conversations. That can leave holes that would make him suspicious, when it's in fact all innocent and simply private.

But since you guys do share your phones and are open about it, the best way to put everything past you is to ask him what it was about and what he was feeling back then. And then, when he reassures you, you need to be able to believe it. Else you're going to be feeling like this all the time.

It really is complicated. I'm sorry you feel the way you do right now.
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