Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help please

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Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help please

Unread postby Hornysam2 » 4 September 2021, 13:37

Ok, so I have just joined and done an introduction, yet I already need advice as I am finding things hard and very confusing.
I have been a member of the hookup site Squirt for a couple of years but never met up with anyone.
In May this year a fit younger guy contacted me saying he was interested, I could of died he was so fit and good looking. I told him about me and he said he wasn't bothered I was older he liked older guys, also he wasn't bothered about me being a bigger guy.
Anyway we kept chatting online and even had some horny moments where we did what guys do online. We swapped dick pics etc etc and so things went on. He said he was interested in meeting me and wanted to have hot sex, not just a one off but regular sex, then we could see if it moved onto anything longer term.
We chatted about all sorts and have a lot in common with each other as it turns out.
He revealed that he had previously been an abusive relationship and been single as a result for a long time. He doesnt just sleep around for the sake of it, which I liked to hear. I told him I too had been in an abusive marriage but stayed with it until my daughter finished her A levels.
Everything was great and I actually found myself fancying him, I hadn't had that happen before, then I couldn't stop thinking about him every day and night I was besotted with this gorgeous fit guy. He kept telling me how much he wanted me and were going to meet up in the next couple of weeks. I was in dreamland.
Suddenly last weekend he stopped talking to me or answering any of my messages or emails. I begged him to just let me know what was going on, he came back and apologised saying he hadn't been well and in bed. I was relieved to hear that. However after assuring me he was still interested and wanted me, he did the same again. I was so upset and hurt which is new to me I'm not used to any of this yet. I mean I've never even fancied a guy before him.
I have left messages and emails on all the different things we use to chat. I've told him I'm really upset as I had opened up to him. He knew how hard a time I was having wanting to take the final step in coming out but being terrified to do it. He WhatsApp me on Tuesday this week simply saying hey, nothing else. I said hey back to him and asked what was going on as I was so confused.
He has just ignored me ever since. I'm not stupid I get that for whatever reason he must have changed his mind about me for whatever reason. I cant get him out of my head though, I'm not sleeping because I cant understand why he would do this to me. It's horrible I feel sick to the pit of my stomach, I don't understand why someone would do this to someone? Do I just forget about him, or leave it a while and then ask him Why?
I feel so let down and vulnerable, I just want someone to hold me, comfort me and tell me it won't always be like this. I just don't know what to do, do I forget about it all, I cant go through this again it has been torture and making me ill. My ex wife used to do stuff like this, if i said something she didn't like or I wouldnt do what she wanted, everything stopped she wouldn't cook meals, or speak for days on end even leaving the room if I walked in. It was torture for over 20 years.
I never expected this from the first guy I started trying to build some type of relationship with, its like sheer purgatory! Have I just been unlucky or is this going to be how it is for me.
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Re: Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help pleas

Unread postby pozboro » 4 September 2021, 15:18

It's really impossible to explain exactly what's going on with him and why it's happening. I don't believe there is anything unique to your situation other than it's you that's experiencing it - in other words this happens regardless of meeting type, orientation, location, age, size, etc. Many of us have had hot budding relationships suddenly disappear and we wonder why.

I know it can be kind of hard to get one's emotions in check after a jolt and then potentially a jilt. But from experience I can say the sooner you get a handle on your emotions the better. Don't dwell on what ifs and whys: we can't control what other people do - only how we react. We know that's easier said than done as well, but hang in there.

Either way, don't keep contacting him and if he contacts you, stay cool, don't badger with questions about why he went quiet, etc. He said he had been ill, assume that might still be the case - so when he resurfaces, ask if he's feeling better and getting back to 'normal', but otherwise keep it cool and let him take the lead.

(I'm specifically avoiding speculation about what's going on with him since it would be just that - a big guess.) I do hope you're able to find your feet again soon and are able to focus in other areas of your life. Wishing you well! :)
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Re: Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help pleas

Unread postby Hornysam2 » 4 September 2021, 16:36

Thank you for taking the time to reassure me with all thats happening, I appreciate it. Its a long long time in fact 35 years since I was a single guy that tried to conform to what was expected of me. ie. find a girl, settle down, marry, have kids etc.

I dont remember ever being as affected by something as this. In fact I would have just said oh well her loss in those days and moved on. So I don't know if it's just the fact that this is the first guy I actually fancied, or just a culmination of everything that's going on my life right now?

I'm living alone now that my daughter has gone to University, for the time since I was 18, thats been hard to cope with. I know what I want but don't know how to go about getting it, I have nobody to talk to about any of what's happening, I don't know how I tell my daughter that at nearly 55 I'm gay, all the questions that could lead to terrifies me. So in a way I'm living a lie and that gets me mentally as I hate lies.

My health isn't the best and all the stress that is giving me doesn't help, although I realise it's probably of my own making. I just never imagined I could get into a position like this, I'm usually the guy that sorts everyone else's problems out.

I think I'm just feeling a bit lost at the moment, I've spent the last 18 months inside away from Covid as I am immunocompromised and I don't think that helps my mental state. I still hardly go out as I'm so worried about getting it

I have however thrown the ball into his court today. I've told him how I'm feeling and that it's up to him now, I won't contact him again but if he wants to contact me at all he can and I will not ignore him, as he has me. I also said that I understand he has had a bad experience before but I'm not like his ex. In fact I'm the complete opposite and I would never set out to deliberately hurt him or anyone else.

I just hope I have the strength and determination to follow that through!!
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Re: Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help pleas

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 4 September 2021, 20:30

Switching sides at 54 with decades of a married life sounds like a very hard thing to deal with. Being an American, I don't know much about your life in the UK (England). Does your health care system include counseling of some type? I don't know if you are open to that, but sometimes with major life challenges it doesn't hurt to have someone who is trained to help you talk this through.

I'm 61 and a half years old. I never went the str8 route because once I found out I was infertile, I couldn't imagine marrying a woman. I had seriously thought of that back in my 20's because my encounters with men had never been anything lasting back then.

I have been in a long term monogamous relationship now for almost 18 years. In the US we have a holiday called Labor Day. It is coming up on this Monday. It was 18 years ago on Labor Day that we finally met. (We remember it by Labor Day because we never memorized the date -- it is the first Monday in Sept). Anyway, we have our ups and downs, but I couldn't imagine life without him.

I had a horrible experience with someone before him. This man from my past was practically a gay virgin at the age of 49. I was in my late 30's. It took me a long time to get over him as one morning he up and told me he had never loved me. That was after two years of saying and acting otherwise. I bring this up because being practically a virgin yourself, you may not know what you really want in a man or in an m2m relationship. You don't like to be hurt like this guy did to you, but realize you may hurt someone yourself inadvertently until you know what you yourself want . Being new to all this, you may find yourself like a kid in the candy jar. You might not want to hurt someone, but until you have a good understanding of your "gay" self and what you want, you may end up hurting someone. All the more reason you may want to sort your feelings out with a professional.

Note, many of us have to deal with low self-esteem issues. You said you think you are ugly. Realize that many of these things are in the eyes of the beholder. Issues can be from weight, height, cock size, masculine/feminine traits, etc. It varies on what many of us think is wrong with us.

Feeling devastated after a breakup is not uncommon, and being isolated because of COVID cannot help matters. On top of my suggestion of considering counseling, does the UK have LGBT hotlines where you can just talk things out? Messaging is great, but sometimes if you feel real down, it helps just to talk to someone. If COVID was passed, I could also suggest looking to see if there were support groups to attend, but who knows when COVID will be behind us. I also think it helps to be in situations where you are around gay men that is NOT oriented to finding a pickup.

Again this too is an after COVID suggestion: In many areas you can find gay running groups, gay men's choruses, etc. It helps so socialize with gay men where you don't have the pressure of trying to find how to pick one up. Odds are if you have hobbies, you MAY find some interest groups for that hobby. Of course, the more rural you may be located the more you have to travel to get to such, but travel at least lowers the concern that your family and friends find out since you prefer to stay in the closet for now.

I know that I may come off as coming from a point of strength and confidence. However, my "strength" (although it sounds way too co-dependent) is that have a loving partner. We have seen each other in good times and bad, health and not so healthy. If he were to die, and I was back on the market, I wouldn't be any more confident than you are. While they say it is better to be alone than with the wrong person, all I can say is as someone who tends to be a loner by nature, having my man rocks my spirit every day. God bless him.

Sadly, I don't get to have sex with him much as I have chronic ED. I miss so much being inside him -- not to get my rocks off at his expense, but because for MY gayness being inside a guy is the closes thing to becoming one. However, at least one thing I learned with this disgusting ED is that the fundamental beauty of a relationship with another man isn't the abundance of sex, but being loved and loving. That should always be the core of a good relationship -- gay or straight.
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Re: Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help pleas

Unread postby pozboro » 5 September 2021, 01:23

Hornysam2 wrote:My health isn't the best and all the stress that is giving me doesn't help, although I realise it's probably of my own making. I just never imagined I could get into a position like this, I'm usually the guy that sorts everyone else's problems out.

I think I'm just feeling a bit lost at the moment, I've spent the last 18 months inside away from Covid as I am immunocompromised and I don't think that helps my mental state. I still hardly go out as I'm so worried about getting it


Since Covid also poses an unknown level of risk to me as well, I too am pretty much a shut in. Thus why I signed up here. A lot of the users are younger and have a different set of life experiences, but a few of us are older. I too have considered myself gay most of my adult life, but have had friends who 'came out' after a long marriage. Like the prior poster, connecting with such men in a support group would be ideal. I'm just not sure where to point you to find them.

On a more personal level, I know it's tempting to look for love when we're feeling lonely and maybe even troubled. I personally decided to stop since I wasn't finding it very rewarding and I only have so much energy to put towards all the things that life requires, especially when we're on our own. I agree with the prior poster that finding ways to socialize with others who enjoy things you enjoy would be a great outlet, but we've just got to be patient in relation to Covid. As they say, you've got nothing if you don't have your health: it sounds like making a healthier you (mentally, physically, and sexually) would be the best place to start. Finding a way to have confidence in your learned experience and self-worth is important - and honestly, crucial in the competitive world of online dating!

Don't hesitate to ask questions. Most users try to be helpful, especially when they see a real need. But I'm sure some things will find a more receptive ear than others - don't take that personally, people don't usually post "I don't know what to tell you ..." type responses. Also, trying to limit the scope of questions helps or even just one question to a topic. And while coming out is different for someone who was in a heterosexual marriage, coming out is coming out. Read through those topics and get an idea how other have dealt with it, okay?

Hang in there! I know none of this stuff is easy, but you just can't let it get you down. It's okay to have a bad day - when I do, I always try to remember it's just one day. Tomorrow can be better. (Or in a couple days if you landlord surprises you with a rehab project). "This too shall pass." ;)
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Re: Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help pleas

Unread postby Hornysam2 » 6 September 2021, 12:47

Thank you guys for your support and taking the time and trouble to answer me. I know you are both right in what you say, it just seems so hard at the moment.

It doesn't really help being a bit of a loner, I'm not the sort of guy to go out to bars or clubs, not now anyway. Living where I do in the UK, it's a lovely town and on the coast but there is no gay scene, so it's even harder to meet someone, unless you want to get a quick bunk up off something like Grindr. While that might help broaden my horizons, it's not really me. Even I was a young guy I never did the whole one night stand scene.

I'm sure things will get better for me in time, I suffer with depression anyway so I think what's happening to me is making that a bit worse. I didnt think I would feel like this, having decided to admit to myself that I am gay. In my mind I took the first step into a new world and someone would come along put an arm round me and we would live happily ever after. Obviously that was never going to happen but I didn't expect to feel more alone than I ever have in my life.

Its like I have decided to make this massive life change and now I just don't know what to do next? I have no one to talk to about it, I am not much good with talking to strangers on the phone so can't ring a helpline. I feel quite lost at the moment, like I have done something so wrong in finally admitting I am gay but I cant go back because that would be going back to living a lie.

I have spent hours googling different things looking for sites where you can maybe just chat to other guys, without it being all about hooking up and a quick shag at the end of it! While that might be nice in one way, it's not me!

There are times when I think about ending it all as I am in so much pain inside, I dont see any light just a long dark tunnel in front of me. I thought about going to see my doctor but it's not that easy here now. You can't get face to face appointments and I don't think I could sit there and tell her I am now gay!!

I'm not going to do anything stupid, even though I have thought of it, as I realise that is not the answer and I couldn't do it to my 20 year old daughter either. I guess I just have to keep going from day to day and hope things get easier and maybe I will find someone at some point, before I am too old to enjoy it.
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Re: Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help pleas

Unread postby dee_rose » 6 September 2021, 18:55

Hornysam2 wrote:Thank you guys for your support and taking the time and trouble to answer me. I know you are both right in what you say, it just seems so hard at the moment.

It doesn't really help being a bit of a loner, I'm not the sort of guy to go out to bars or clubs, not now anyway. Living where I do in the UK, it's a lovely town and on the coast but there is no gay scene, so it's even harder to meet someone, unless you want to get a quick bunk up off something like Grindr. While that might help broaden my horizons, it's not really me. Even I was a young guy I never did the whole one night stand scene.

I'm sure things will get better for me in time, I suffer with depression anyway so I think what's happening to me is making that a bit worse. I didnt think I would feel like this, having decided to admit to myself that I am gay. In my mind I took the first step into a new world and someone would come along put an arm round me and we would live happily ever after. Obviously that was never going to happen but I didn't expect to feel more alone than I ever have in my life.

Its like I have decided to make this massive life change and now I just don't know what to do next? I have no one to talk to about it, I am not much good with talking to strangers on the phone so can't ring a helpline. I feel quite lost at the moment, like I have done something so wrong in finally admitting I am gay but I cant go back because that would be going back to living a lie.

I have spent hours googling different things looking for sites where you can maybe just chat to other guys, without it being all about hooking up and a quick shag at the end of it! While that might be nice in one way, it's not me!

There are times when I think about ending it all as I am in so much pain inside, I dont see any light just a long dark tunnel in front of me. I thought about going to see my doctor but it's not that easy here now. You can't get face to face appointments and I don't think I could sit there and tell her I am now gay!!

I'm not going to do anything stupid, even though I have thought of it, as I realise that is not the answer and I couldn't do it to my 20 year old daughter either. I guess I just have to keep going from day to day and hope things get easier and maybe I will find someone at some point, before I am too old to enjoy it.


I feel for you, I can somewhat relate to what your going through. I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff expect a therapist. I met a guy a month back from grindr and only seen a few times. He was at first constantly texting me asking how I was and says he has an interest in me other than just sex. Then I don't hear from him for about a week. It seems if I want to see him I have to contact him. But there were a few times he asked to see me and I didnt want to make the trip. Even though he is really great at sex.

I been really depressed lately and being with him helped. My therapist suggest meeting someone else at a bar but I don't have the confidence for that and stick to dating apps.

I hope you find someone who makes you happy.
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Re: Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help pleas

Unread postby Hornysam2 » 7 September 2021, 09:26

Hey Dee_Rose, thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I can sympathise greatly with your situation, I am really struggling at the moment with all of this I dont understand why he just ignored me? We were getting along so well and had a lot in common, it was him that contacted me first as well and that makes it even more confusing. I am so down and upset by what has happened and I know that's probably really stupid as we never even got as far as meeting.

I am just so alone at the moment and can't understand why people aould be like he has? If he contacted me and said f**k off and don't contact me again, I think I could accept that so much better. Its the not knowing why he chose to just ignore me.

I'm sorry you are in a similar situation to mine, I can at least sympathise with your situation. Although I wish I had the bottle to go on Grindr and meet someone, good for you for being able to do that. I know what you mean about going out to a bar, I don't have the confidence for that yet and we don't have any gay bars here anyway.

I am hoping that as time passes I can get over this rejection and that it hurts less but at the moment it isn't, it feels worse as each day goes by. How I will ever meet someone I just don't know now. Maybe I am just destined to remain alone for the rest of my life and without any love or affection.

I look at my ex wife and the way she abused me for all those years. I stuck it out, so my daughter could at least have a home life with 2 parents and get through her education. Now she is shacked up with her first ever boyfriend and living the life of Riley. That makes me so mad and wondering if there is any justice in this world? As I am sat here alone with all this confusion going on in my head, terrified to let the world know that I am even Gay! I hate my life, the thought of being alone for the rest of it makes me so unhappy but I dont know how to even start to change it, I am so unhappy.

I hope your situation gets better for you and your guy stops being a prick! I would say typical of a guy but I don't think it is, or I at least hope not.
Take care, Sam
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Re: Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help pleas

Unread postby dee_rose » 7 September 2021, 14:14

Hornysam2 wrote:Hey Dee_Rose, thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I can sympathise greatly with your situation, I am really struggling at the moment with all of this I dont understand why he just ignored me? We were getting along so well and had a lot in common, it was him that contacted me first as well and that makes it even more confusing. I am so down and upset by what has happened and I know that's probably really stupid as we never even got as far as meeting.

I am just so alone at the moment and can't understand why people aould be like he has? If he contacted me and said f**k off and don't contact me again, I think I could accept that so much better. Its the not knowing why he chose to just ignore me.

I'm sorry you are in a similar situation to mine, I can at least sympathise with your situation. Although I wish I had the bottle to go on Grindr and meet someone, good for you for being able to do that. I know what you mean about going out to a bar, I don't have the confidence for that yet and we don't have any gay bars here anyway.

I am hoping that as time passes I can get over this rejection and that it hurts less but at the moment it isn't, it feels worse as each day goes by. How I will ever meet someone I just don't know now. Maybe I am just destined to remain alone for the rest of my life and without any love or affection.

I look at my ex wife and the way she abused me for all those years. I stuck it out, so my daughter could at least have a home life with 2 parents and get through her education. Now she is shacked up with her first ever boyfriend and living the life of Riley. That makes me so mad and wondering if there is any justice in this world? As I am sat here alone with all this confusion going on in my head, terrified to let the world know that I am even Gay! I hate my life, the thought of being alone for the rest of it makes me so unhappy but I dont know how to even start to change it, I am so unhappy.

I hope your situation gets better for you and your guy stops being a prick! I would say typical of a guy but I don't think it is, or I at least hope not.
Take care, Sam


Thanks, I always think to text him to hookup but I think I'm just being hard on myself and saying he's not interested. Idk if he will jus contact me one day or if I will work up the nerve to get in touch with him. All I know now they're are other people out there and it was just sex I want. It was hard at first cause he was the first guy I was with and he was so intimate and patient with me.

I had the same mindset as you before therapy. "I'm going to be alone forever." Always being negative and expecting the worst to happen. Thinking all I need is myself to be happy. But I know that's not what I want and want to be someone in a relationship more than sex.

Try doing what you love or take up a new hobby. I haven't been working so its been kind of hard at first constantly thinking but what helps me is reaching out to friends talk to them about their problems to take my mind off of my own.

Maybe try talking with your daughter. Take care Sam.
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Re: Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help pleas

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 8 September 2021, 09:01

Its GMT-5 here (US Central Daylight Saving Time). I think there you are GMT+1 British Summer Time... Nevertheless, I couldn't sleep. I think it is great that you won't do anything awful as you know how hard it would be on your daughter.

I can be prone to melancholia, but think God I don't consider it as strong as bi-polar. My mother was extremely bi-polar as was her biological mother. Extreme enough that my biological grandmother was institutionalized a good portion of her life. I never knew her, but I went with grandma to her funeral. (The woman that I love and call grandma was the woman who raised me. She was genetically my biological grandmother's younger sister..._)

I think it is natural to be oriented a bit towards melancholia if your personality is introverted and you live a lot inside your head. Anyway, it was never my professional field, but dealt with it so much in my family. If you think part of your depression is a chemical imbalance, only a medical professional can help you there. Now if part of it is under your control, then I have always found for myself that one just HAS to get out of their own head. Being in ones own head with way to much time to think simply exacerbates the issues that have you depressed. If you have hobbies or interests (they don't have to be gay oriented), that is something to consider.. If you don't like to mingle with people that much do you have a pet? I bring this up as while your daughter may be a comfort, the fact that she is off to school may mean that she may not be around as often as you need to be out of your own head. I'm blessed to have my partner. However, when i was dealing with rejection from an ex, maybe 5 years before my long term partner now, I could barely make it through the day. I wanted to so much crawl into bed and just sleep all the time. However, I couldn't afford to loose my job.

I confess that I wasn't a model person as it came to sex. I wanted so much to have the love of my life and live happily ever after with just that one special man. When I was young and naive I used to think if only I had that special man I could accomplish so much.. Finally, I grew up and realized it didn't matter if I took on the world. What mattered only was good to those who came into my life. Fame, fortune, etc just aren't that important. Still I was no goody to shoe. I took complements from men to mean that they really liked me, but later realized that most of the time nice talk is simply a way of seduction.

Anyway, I'm writing way too much as is my nature...

The reason I mentioned talking to someone on the phone is that sometimes when you are down, it may be a wait before someone responds on a forum/bulletin board -- even if people from all over the world get on a forum. Sometimes, just hearing a voice that is willing to listen gives some relief when you need it. When I was younger I used to bother some friends about my love disappointments. However, I stopped that on my own years ago. I realized that it is one thing to be a young pup reaching out for help. However, I didn't think it was appropriate to come across as having the same problems years later. I think the last time I bothered in person friends was after that break up some 23 plus years ago.

I really do hope that you find whatever you are looking for. Just realize that if it is a companion those come when you least expect it, and you may need some self discovery of what you want in a partner. Sometimes you have to compromise so that you are not eliminating all the possibilities there are. For instance, I'd rather not have a smoker. However, when I met my partner, he was a smoker. He was such a good man, that I couldn't just punt him. He quit for a while after he had to have 5 bypasses, but he started up again, but he never does it around me. He really is a good man -- much nicer man that I am. I cannot understate just how wonderful he is for putting up with me all these years.

Speaking of which though I have insomnia, I want to crawl back in bed next to him. Sometimes when I cannot sleep and light is already coming into the window I like just to watch his face as he sleeps. I hate having chronic ED, but it did make me realize that the true joy of homosexuality (or for that matter any sexuality) is having someone to love and be loved by. That is the truly lasting part.
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Re: Falling for someone online, or am I being messed around help pleas

Unread postby Hornysam2 » 18 September 2021, 07:48

So it's been over a week since I last posted on here. Things are a lot better for me, though something positive always brings with it new and different questions!! It provides new worries but also brings some joy into my life and makes me feel happy and alive.

So I am going to start a new thread so people can share my new experience with me and offer their thoughts. My new thread is; Happiness but at a cost, can it work?
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